


Glow

by jointrose



Series: Glow [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Blood Drinking, Blood and Injury, College Life, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Dorks in Love, Drunk Sex, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fanfiction, Fantasy, First Love, First Person, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Ghoul Cannibalism (Tokyo Ghoul), Graphic Description, Love, Manga & Anime, Mild Blood, Mystery, Non-Consensual Touching, OC focus, OC-centric, Oral Sex, Other, POV First Person, Romance, Romantic Angst, Sex, Sexual Content, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, University, University Life, Unreliable Narrator, Vaginal Sex, Youth, first person POV, it's not really a spin off but it's very "side character focused", long chapters, long fanfiction, long fic, romantic sex, tokyo ghoul fanfic, tokyo ghoul spin-off, vague timeline, when Kaneki was in the 11th Ward, young adult, young adult life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 39
Words: 135,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24106267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jointrose/pseuds/jointrose
Summary: Nagachika Hideyoshi roamed the 20th Ward in search of something more. While investigating the truth behind Kaneki Ken's disappearance, he befriends those that he never thought he would, discovering new emotions. It was uncharted territory, and his curiosity only led him further into this odd part of the human world.“I’m just a normal university student.” I shrugged, glancing at her.She reciprocated with a sneer. “So am I.”Uchiyama Mirélle was trying to get by in her everyday life, finding trouble in navigating through her feelings and strained history. While she’s a closed book to most, she experiences a unique warmth in a candid guy who, more than not, shares the same interests that she does.
Relationships: Hide/Female OC, Hide/OC, Hideyoshi Nagachika/OC, Hideyoshi/Female OC, Hideyoshi/OC, Nagachika Hideyoshi & Original Female Character(s), Nagachika Hideyoshi / OC, Nagachika Hideyoshi/OC, Nagachika Hideyoshi/Original Character(s), Nagachika Hideyoshi/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Glow [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739281
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. ⦋ Intro: Part I ⦌

**┌────────** ∘

𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐈 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐓𝐕. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐓𝐕, 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐰𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬. 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐢𝐠 𝐠𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐛𝐨𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝, 𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐲, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐊𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐬. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐢𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐲, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐨...𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝.

— _"𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐂𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐨", 𝐁𝐨𝐣𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐇𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐧_

****∘ **────────┘**


	2. ⦋ Excuses ⦌

_— **2015**_

**_word count_** — _2014_

♪

The music festival that I had been part of organizing finally happened not too long ago. It was one of the best distractions I had – or so I thought.

It wasn't enough to keep the demons away; to keep the melancholic thoughts of my 'missing' best friend away. Despite the fact that I was supposed to be enjoying myself, talking to people, hitting up hot girls, and maybe even scoring a date or two (heh, I wished), I passed the majority of my time alone. After all, I had spent three weeks straight with the festival committee, and if I were being honest, I just wanted a break from their ugly mugs.

_And simply being around Nishiki for that long gave me sleep terrors._

Night was about to fall and there were still so many acts that evening; if I were lucky, it would end at exactly twelve A.M and I'd finally be able to go home and have a good night's rest. 

I smiled and nodded at every person that called out to me as I walked through the crowd farthest away from the stage, waving at the cute girls that beamed at me.

Still... _still..._

_I'll go back to normal and mingle. Just gotta give myself a few minutes. Maybe get a girlfriend tonight?_

I missed him too much, and I wished he were here.

In all honesty, he would have had an awesome time at the concert. He would have stood on the sidelines with me (or alone as I danced with others and made friends in the crowd), stared at the pretty girls that passed by us, listened to my jokes about him staring at them and not actually _doing_ anything about it, rolled his eyes at my remarks, listened to the music, reveled in the atmosphere...

_This may not be the type of thing Kaneki does often, but he would definitely like it. For the first five minutes. Then he'd get bored and go home to read a book._

Pulling out my phone, I checked to see if I had received any new messages from him, only to be greeted by an alert-less inbox. Me and clingy went along like pencil and paper; I just hoped he'd reply to my hills and mountains of unlimited messages soon, even though a part of me knew that he wouldn't...

"Excuse me,"

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see one of the pretty girls glancing at me. And if I were being honest, she was _damn hot_ – I mean, beautiful, of course. I wasn't checking her out. Not her luscious thighs in that short dress or the curve of her waist...

 _Ah, definitely,_ not hot.

Shaking my head to release myself from the trance that I was in, I cleared my throat. "Yes?" I questioned with a wide smile. I had never seen her around campus, except for the one time she stole my gaze in the lunchroom with a girl I was barely familiar with.

_She must be from a different department...fine arts?_

The thought didn't feel right. There was a certain sharpness to her.

"O-oh, hello," she gave a short bow as she smiled, the flower thing on her head almost falling off her brown hair.

 _Huh, how endearing. Maybe I should ask_ _her_ _out?_

I bowed and greeted her in return, taking notice of her bare feet and her bright summer dress. Her skin was a lot darker than mine – _maybe a lot of tanning trips? –_ and pigmented freckles dotted her face, scattering down to her arms. I couldn't tell what the colors of her eyes were in the dim light around us.

_Was I staring?_

My brain once again registered how physically attractive she was the more that I looked at her. _Pretty eyes, pretty lips...what a bod...totally out of my league._

With a cigarette held between her two fingers, she scratched her forehead and asked, "Do you happen to have a lighter?"

Her accent was hard to place, and I wondered where she moved to Tokyo from.

_Ah, of course that was all she wanted. Why did I make a big deal out of it in my head...?_

_'_ _Because you're delusional',_ Kaneki would say. Only to get back at me for calling him that on multiple occasions.

"Sure, of course!" I grinned, patting my front pockets until I felt something similar to a lighter to pull out. "Are you enjoying the festival?"

"Yeah, very much." She nodded enthusiastically. "It's very well put together."

I began to brag while she wasted no time in lighting up her cigarette.

_There's no harm in a little self-promo._

"Y'know, we, my university's festival committee were the ones—"

Her ringtone interrupted me and she didn't hesitate to answer it. Bowing, she uttered a gentle "thank you" and hurried away.

_Oh, she has my lighter._

♪

The concert was over when the zeroes lined up the twenty-four-hour clock and soon, the stadium was nearly empty. There were a few couples that littered the area, and a few groups of friends still sitting down and conversing loudly. My own friends had offered a ride home right after the festival ended but I refused; I stayed back, knowing that the committee needed to in order to take care of wrapping up the venue.

_Clean up duty..._

_Why didn't I ask her out when I had the chance?_

With my head hanging low, I walked towards the stage, looking at my feet. My green shoes were covered in grass and unknown objects stuck to them. I groaned at the sight; just thinking about the amount of time I had to spend cleaning these gave me a headache.

"Excuse me," a voice said from behind me, followed by a tap on my shoulder.

When I turned and saw no one, I began to walk again, and a sharp giggle came from my left.

"Hey, I'm over here."

I turned once more to see the girl that was on my mind; the girl from earlier. 

_Why's she still here?_

_"Pardon,_ I didn't mean for that to happen." She stumbled slightly, probably drunk, but she still bowed in proper greeting.

_French?_

"It's fine," I beamed, feeling ecstatic, albeit a little embarrassed, as I returned the salutation. "Are you all right? Have you had too much?" I used my hand to gesture drinking.

Steadying herself, she shook her head. "No, they didn't serve drinks at the venue. It's a natural high, _je pense..._ or I'm tired. _Pardon._ "

"Don't worry about it! You're from earlier, right?" I cleared my throat and straightened my posture, not knowing what the expression on my face was. "I didn't get your name that time."

"Hm? Ah...it's Uchiyama." She said, nodding.

I squinted my eyes and tilted my head. "Given name?"

"Mirélle." She answered with a sly grin, as though she knew what was on my mind.

"Mirélle-san, huh? Did you want to see me again? Is that why you're still here?"

The atmosphere made me feel a certain, unfamiliar way; as if this were the first time my nerves threatened my honesty.

"What? No..." she covered her face with a sudden bashfulness, but the smile reached her eyes as she changed the subject. "You have a nice style, _je pense..._ it must have stuck with me."

I didn't know whether she was being sarcastic or not. I also didn't know which part of my attire she meant: my blue jacket, my slightly dirty, exposed white t-shirt, or my beige pants? Or maybe she _was_ being sarcastic and meant my shoes.

"Thanks." I chuckled, still embarrassed, feeling the heat beneath my cheeks. "You should see how I dress up on dates."

_Was that too subtle or too straightforward? Did I give the right hint?_

"Actually, I forgot to give you your lighter back." My lighter rested in the palm of her outstretched hand. "We were going to leave but I'm glad I stayed long enough for me to find you and return it."

I was about to take it but it was abruptly out of my sight when I heard her say "Wait."

"Huh?" I frowned in confusion as she glanced back with wide, curious eyes. 

"Are you willing to make a trade?" she stepped a bit closer, smelling like something familiar. Coffee, maybe.

"A trade? What kind of trade?" I murmured, growing tense despite trying to calm down my overactive imagination.

She hesitated for a second, but then her eyes lit up with the same shine she had earlier that evening. "Anything?"

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Sure, why not? Unless you want my social security number or something."

She laughed at the lame joke. The conversation had shifted along with the ambiance surrounding us; it went beyond the lighter at that point, and she knew it did. I had a good feeling about it.

"Well?"

"Um...can I have your LINE info?"

My eyes widened, not realizing until a bit after that I was smiling from ear-to-ear before bursting out into a fit of laughter. _She's joking, right? She must be!_

"You're funny," I pulled back, wiping off tears that weren't actually there. "Don't tease me like that."

"I'm not teasing you," she protested. "I...I just think...we'd be good friends," she scratched her face again, not meeting my eyes. "Don't you think?"

It wasn't every day that a girl asked for my info, so naturally, I was surprised. Nor was it every day that a girl talked to me the way she did—it was usually me doing all that: asking girls out, asking whether or not they were single, and asking _everything_ at first glance.

Kaneki would know: I'd embarrassed him with it on many occasions.

"We could," I grinned. I was about to ask her out, but instead I said, "Give me your phone."

_Play it cool, Hide. Don't want to scare her off with your enthusiasm, do you? Gotta make it look like girls ask for your LINE all the time._

I didn't know what I had said exactly, but a smile flew up her cheeks as she nodded. "Oh, but the battery's going to die." She pulled out a clear cased phone that had flowers decorating it and a kitten charm hanging from it. Cute.

Once she handed me the phone, I quickly typed out my number in the search bar, but I wasn't quick enough; her phone went black, resulting in my complaints. "I didn't save it..."

Giggling, she scratched the back of her neck. " _Comment tu_ _t'appelles?"_

"Ah! I know that! _Je t'appelles_ Hide." I grinned, handing her dead phone back as she handed me the lighter. "Can you please keep the French to a minimum? At least until I learn more."

She let out a laugh, bending forward. "It's ' _je m'appelle_ Hide', not _t'appelles._ You said, 'I call _you_ Hide'." She couldn't stop.

"Man, all right. I said I was still learning!" I actually stopped learning French the more I learned English.

Sighing, her giggles came to a stop as she straightened herself, pushing the hair out of her pretty face. " _Alors..._ just Hide?"

"Nagachika Hideyoshi, Uchiyama Mirélle." I bowed grandly.

"All right. Now I'll know how to find you." She said it as if it wasn't creepy, but it made me smile.

_Pretty girl going to stalk me now. Dream come true...or is it?_

"Do you usually look up people that you first meet?"

"You _don't?"_ A catlike grin emerged along her features. "It was nice meeting you, Nagachika Hideyoshi. I hope I don't find anything off-putting." She winked, bowing before turning around and rushing towards the group of people that I had noticed in my peripheral vision.

_They must've been waiting for her._

"I'm clean! And just Hide is fine, Mirélle!"

She twirled, still beaming. "And just Miri is fine, Hideyoshi!"

And she turned away again, rejoining her group of friends. From where I stood, it looked like she was walking with some people that _I_ knew from university — people from the festival committee. Not Nishiki.

_Hmm...maybe I got lucky._

_Mirélle._

_...A Ghoul?_


	3. ⦋ Basic Instinct ⦌

— _**2016**_

 ** _word count_** — _2047_

♪

For some reason, I had expected to see a missed call or an email from Kaneki.

As I laid in bed, wide awake and unprepared for university, the events of last night reoccurred to me. That girl...

A part of me was waiting for Kaneki to make fun of me; as if he had known what's been going on in my everyday life.

 _'_ _I thought hotties were impossible?!_ _'_ He'd say, teasing me about what I said to him the day his date entered that one little café a long time ago. Then again, he _did_ end up going out with her...and then some.

Maybe Mirélle was a Ghoul as well...?

 _Nah. No way! I would certainly be very_ dead _right now if she were._

Either way, it didn't matter. A girl like that would easily forget me overnight, as they have before, and that wasn't something surprising. It was a long shot and, despite her claim of not being so, she probably was really drunk. 

_She was already out of my league to begin with._

Still, I couldn't help but feel some sort of sadness at the thought. She _did_ ask for my info, and it must've autosaved _somehow._

_And to actually think I had a shot with her?_

_Damn it Kaneki, where are you to tell me_ _"I told you so_ _" and accuse me of being "that" guy? Getting back at me for calling you 'a delusional basket case'?_

_...Where are you anyway?_

♪

The morning had been a long one.

I peddled along the streets, eager to get home and put up all the information I had heard on the Aogiri Tree and other Ghouls, connect the dots and try to make sense out of the gibberish my hand would scribble from quickly gathered intel.

It was the weekend and surely, I'd be heading out with a couple of friends from university. Just a break from this busy life of mine – I was desperate for one, after all. From the haunting thoughts of Kaneki's life to the Ghouls that almost had the city in their grasp, a night out sounded like the best thing at the moment.

Stationing my bike at the staircase near my apartment door, I stalked straight into my room and pinned up the latest news on Ghoul attacks and sightings.

 _It may seem like I was on the bad side, but I truly wasn't..._ I think.

Maybe by the time I'm with the investigators, I could be _more_ useful: I could help _more_ , in some way—

My phone began to buzz from my jacket pocket, sending vibrations up the fabric.

"Yo, Jin-senpai! What's up?"

"Ah, Nagachika, you on for tonight, right?" the voice on the other end exclaimed.

Harada Jin was a great guy that I met when I joined the Festival Committee during Kaneki's absence. On my first day, he gladly showed me around and thoroughly explained to me my role(s). I thought that we'd only be friends temporarily—until Kaneki got back—but apart from a few others, he was all right to hang with.

_At least, compared to Nishiki._

"You bet I am!" I replied before pausing. "But what's on for tonight? Don't tell me the red light district? I regret the last time I went with you guys. And that was an accident to begin with."

He laughed wholeheartedly. "No, not tonight. Maki, Norio, and I are heading to this one Italian style café,"—sounded boring—"I'll send over the directions just in case, so check your LINE. A couple of cute girls are joining us too. They're, ah, friends of Maki's girlfriend, Esashi Hana...you met her, right? You in?"

 _Domoto Maki._ Not someone I liked to associate myself with at the best of times.

"Yeah, I met Esashi before and of course I'm in! How could I say no to _that?"_ I continued, exaggerating the chuckle at the end of the sentence. "What time?"

"How's six?"

I looked below, where a digital clock rested on the desk at the foot of my bed. Six was two hours away, so I definitely had time to myself before I had to head out. "Sounds great!"

"Good!Don't be late, Nagachika!" 

♪

I took a big sip from the odd form of cappuccino in front of me. Honestly, I didn't know how to pronounce the drink's name, nor did I think that the pretty waitress knew either.

I tried getting some sleep before heading out but that proved to be entirely useless – my sleeping pattern was a mess due to the 'research' I had myself occupied with.

"Don't be late, Nagachika." I mocked under my breath.

Jin wasn't the type to be punctual, that much I knew, but I didn't expect to wait an entire fifteen minutes for him and his friends to arrive. Not that I had even been paying attention to time – not that I was even _sure_ fifteen minutes had passed; for all I knew, it could've only been three minutes. My mind wandered from the CCG to the Aogiri Tree, to the Ghouls within the ward and then to Kaneki.

_Overthinking again...this is insane._

Releasing a sigh, I took another sip from the heavily foamed mug. The lovely waitress came up to me once more and asked if I needed anything else. Shaking my head, I scoffed when she left. Did I look _that_ lonely? 

_Maybe she noticed me checking her out and she's interested in me..._

_All right, that's it. If Jin and his buddies don't make it through the doors in the next two minutes, I'm getting out of here._

I stood up and just then – as if the universe was making fun of me – a tall man and a slightly shorter one entered, followed by a couple and two more females on their tail.

The tall man, Harada Jin, always wore the same black sunglasses wherever he went. I don't think I ever once saw him without them on. The other man, Fujisaki Norio, was always dressed in formals, so it wasn't a surprise to see him in a blue blazer and a man-purse over his left shoulder.

Behind them were the couple, Domoto Maki and Esashi Hana. The remaining two on the far end I couldn't see quite well, even though I had craned my neck over everyone else.

"Oi, Jin-senpai! You're late!" I stood and exclaimed as he walked over to me, simply nodding before he began to explain himself.

"Ah, Nagachika...my bad," he rubbed the back of his neck. "We sort of got lost on the way here from one of the girls' houses. She lives kind of far and the directions weren't very...clear." He glanced at Norio as he said this.

Shaking my head, I patted his shoulder and extended my arm to gesture them into the seats. "It's no problem at all, but don't tell me not to be late when you're going to be late!"

"Ah, sorry, sorry! Won't happen again. Promise."

I rolled my eyes and greeted Norio, Domoto, Esashi, and the girl behind them; she was adorable, too, in a green dress that _really_ complimented her figure.

_Damn! Are those even real?_

"Nagachika Hideyoshi," I bowed, smiling at her. "But just Hide is fine!"

She bowed in return, grinning. "Delafose Sumie, but you can call me Sumie."

I was about to ask if she were single, but my eyes caught a glimpse of the girl behind Sumie. A familiar girl — beautiful, at that, looking just as appealing as she did the day before in what looked like a short, black jumpsuit that all but had everyone stare. 

My smile instinctively stretched as I felt a heavy thump in my chest. "Mirélle?"

Her features brightened up as well, and the odd uneasiness I had felt before immediately washed away; simply by her expression, I felt relieved. She advanced towards me as she exclaimed, " _Bonsoir!"_ going into a ninety-degree bow. Sumie sat down just then.

My eyes had widened at her formality; warmth filled my cheeks as I countered her movements, stuttering a greeting. I was about to stand up straight but she did it before me, and we ended up bumping heads – actually, it was more like her head crashing into my nose.

_Man...seriously?_

With a groan, I cupped my nose, waiting to feel liquid drip into my palm.

"Ah..." she forced a grin to her features, rubbing the area where her skull met my nose. She was somewhat taller, unlike during the Festival when she was barefoot.

But once our eyes met, we began laughing and apologizing simultaneously, bowing farther away from each other the second time.

" _Pardon,"_ she giggled adorably. "I shouldn't have stood too close to you. I underestimated my heels."

"No, no, it's my fault!" I removed my hand from my face and scrunched my nose up a couple of times, getting used to the dull ache. "I got too excited when I saw you. I didn't know you'd be here."

_In fact, I never thought I'd see you again._

"Me neither," she returned my excitement as she scratched the back of her neck endearingly _,_ and sat on Sumie's side. "I mean, I didn't expect to see youhere. I didn't think we had any mutual friends."

"Exactly! What are the odds?" I continued to grin as I also sat down. "Wait, when you were leaving, were you walking wi—a-ah! Norio, what was that for?" Norio, seated on my right, nudged and pinched my arm. I rubbed the area he had pinched, my eyes shifted to Mirélle once more. She covered her mouth as she laughed, and boy, she was just...so...

_'What? Cute?'_

_Yes, cute. The other girls are cute too._

"It's Norio- _senpai_ to you." Said Norio before tugging the sleeve of my jacket.

"OK, Norio- _senpai,"_ I replied, trying not to roll my eyes as I exhaled and ran a hand through my hair.

"So, you two know each other?" Jin directed his question to me and Mirélle as he put his hand up to call the waitress.

Mirélle smiled and shrugged, glancing at him beside Norio. She was bouncing all over, and it was hard to look away. "Hmm...not really."

"We met yesterday at the festival." I said.

"Eh? You were at the festival?" Domoto asked Mirélle, to which she nodded.

" _Ouais,_ how could I miss it? I need to support the local artists!" she looked at me once more. "But I met Hideyoshi for a brief moment. I had to ask...for, um..."

"It was a lighter, right?" Sumie had uttered abruptly, making Mirélle's smile slowly fade.

" _Lighter?"_ Norio questioned suspiciously. "Don't you carry about three or seven of those wherever you go?"

_I liked Norio to a certain extent, but he was acting strangely. More than usual, at least._

"I didn't have one yesterday," Mirélle replied swiftly, scratching the back of her neck. "So I asked him for one..."

"Nagachika," Jin said slowly. I looked at him, raising a brow. "I didn't know that you were a smoker, too."

I blinked, caught off guard. "I don't smoke. Besides! That wasn't all...she wanted to know about the opening acts, too!"

"Then, why did you have a lighter?" Norio, flipping his blond hair, asked aggressively. "You just _happened_ to have one?"

 _Honestly...I knew that Norio didn't like me that much because I was a chatterbox, but today, he was_ especially _hostile._

" _Yes,_ " I responded as calmly as I could. "But like I said, she wanted to know about the acts there, too!"

"OK, yeah, yeah, a lighter brought them together. Does it matter? Anyway," Domoto interrupted with a wave of his hand – and I was glad that he did. "How was the Festival, then?" he leaned closer to his girlfriend on his left.

I grinned widely. "It was awesome! If you weren't there, then you missed out. There was so much food to choose from..." 

As the conversation continued and they each spoke of their night, I pulled the phone out of my jacket, opening then closing applications consistently. The topic quickly shifted as both groups began to discuss what they wanted to order and complaining about how the waitress wasn't with them yet. I half-listened and half-watched them speak, cutting my focus between my phone, Mirélle, and the rest.

_It would be complete if Kaneki were here!_


	4. ⦋ Conflict of Interest ⦌

— _**2016**_

 _ **word count**_ — _3435_

♪

I was caught off guard each time our eyes met, as cheesy as that sounded. I hadn't noticed until then that her eyes were hazel; _very_ hazel if eyes could be _very_ anything.

"It's scientifically proven! You can't argue with science, Domoto-san." Said Mirélle.

"Yeah, but what about..." Domoto's voice faded from my thoughts.

Nighttime was rolling around much slower than I had expected – it was only eight when the café began to pack with several customers. The seven of us stayed in our place; our waitress visited us often and asked if we wanted any food – minor details aside, I was sipping on my second cup of cappuccino while Mirélle drank out of a cappuccino mug as well _(it felt good that we were both drinking the same thing, for some reason)._ Domoto and Norio had ordered grilled sandwiches, while Esashi and Sumie ordered milkshakes as they continued to argue.

"That's honestly the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Grunted Sumie.

Mirélle knew I was looking at her. 

"Hide has a point, though..." she muttered.

Our eyes met several times and each time, a slight smile was brought to my face, disappearing just as quickly as it came. But she was acting nonchalant about it, I guessed. Hastily, she would look at Sumie or Jin, or anyoneelse, and hide her expression by pressing her lips together or saying something out of the blue. We were all chatting with one another, however, the notion of the subtle tension between us made it a little bit awkward.

_What would she want with a guy like me, anyway?_

"Do you think Ghouls exist, Sumie?" asked Esashi.

Raising a brow, Sumie shrugged. "Gee, I don't know. Do vampires exist?"

Mirélle groaned, slumping her shoulders. "Argh, not this again..."

"A non-believer!" My laughter was unstoppable. "How rare."

I couldn't help but blush and feel thrilled at the idea of her liking me back, though; my palms were already sweaty as I reached for my phone again, emailing Kaneki like my life depended on it. I had to tell him every single thing because I wouldn't possibly be able to tell him all of it when we were to meet up. He was one for detail, after all.

_I'll just save it to my drafts._

" _Quoi?"_ Mirélle's voice grabbed my attention again. "What animal attacks? You watch too many shows, Sumie."

"What 'Ghouls'?" Sumie countered. "You guys watch too much TV. It's all propaganda."

" _Yeah,_ we watch this show called _The News."_ Even though he was chuckling lightly, Jin was serious.

As our jokes and conversations clashed, I bent down to the bag near my foot to pull out some unfinished notes and ask the guys about it, but I was abruptly distracted by the sight of her crossed legs.

_I was_ not _staring...her legs were_ right there.

_Her thighs looked...hmm..._

Her right leg kept bouncing as if she were nervous or annoyed, producing a jingling noise from the anklet she wore.

"Hideyoshi, are you looking for something?" I heard her ask.

In a moment of panic, I rushed to the surface, hitting my head on the table.

_Gah, really? Second time tonight!_

"Ouch...ah, sorry, I was...getting out some papers!" I forced out a laugh and rubbed the area of the head-bump.

She giggled and leaned back. "Where are they?"

"Where are what?"

"The papers?"

"Ah, right! Turns out I didn't bring them," at that moment, she almost curled her lip, appearing as though she got excuses like that a lot. I wondered what kind of reasons guys came up with when they checked her out. "By the way, why didn't you send me a message on LINE?"

She hummed in question, crossing her arms.

_So good..._

I shook my head, looking into her eyes. "I gave you my info, but I didn't see a message from you. If your phone _did_ autosave it, that is..."

"Ah! No, it didn't," she exclaimed, her features lighting up as her brows furrowed. "I _completely_ passed out last night anyway. And this morning, afternoon, I was so busy with uni and work, _t'sais..._ everything was all over the place. I hope that gets me off the hook," she put her hands together, pouting. _Fucking adorable_. "I would have sent you a message if I could have."

"Fine," I rolled my eyes and exaggerated a groan. "But only this time! I better receive a message from you tomorrow! In fact, why don't you send me an essay about the history of Japan in twenty pages, font size ten, double-spaced, and an excel sheet—"

"Ah _bon,_ just pass me your number and I'll read it to you over the phone!" she said loudly, running her fingers through her hair. "Why don't I add in a powerpoint presentation while I'm at it?"

"What's that I detect in your tone? Throw in the presentation, and it better be about fifty slides, Uchiyama!"

She gasped, shaking her head in disbelief. "I've been reduced to _Uchiyama_ now...? Where did I go wrong..."

"When you didn't text me!"

"OK, that's it, then. I'll email you and text you every day, from here on out!" I could tell she wasn't kidding, even though she was giggling. "Take my phone and put in your number and call yourself."

"All right, Uchiyama."

"I'm still Uchiyama..."

"You've gotta _earn_ it!"

"Earn what?! First name privileges?"

"Obviously!"

"Whatever, Nagachika." She sighed, crossing her arms again.

I feigned a sharp gasp, liking how our conversation was going. Besides Kaneki, there weren't many people around me that understood the way I joked around.

"You've gotta earn it, _ouais_ _?"_ she smirked, raising her brows.

"I would have if I were the one that took your email and LINE! For the record, I would've sent you a message as soon as I got home, even if I were dead tired."

She pouted. "Argh, can you take my phone and save your number already? _Nagakchika_."

Laughing, I took her phone. "Do you trust me enough to give me your password?"

"It's not that important. I have nothing to hide! It's 1223."

"So bold!"

Wondering what the numbers meant, I was greeted with a photo of her and two other girls as the wallpaper; neither of them was Sumie or Esashi.

"Oh, is that you?" I questioned aloud, turning the phone to her. "You look so small."

She appeared similar, only with bigger eyes and cheeks, curlier hair, and a wide, brace-faced grin.

"I wasn't small. About thirteen, or twelve...or maybe ten, _je crois_..."

"You were so cute."

Unimpressed, she pursed her lips. "I'm still cute, Nagakchika."

I chuckled as I entered my number, saving myself as **'** 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝙲𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝙶𝚞𝚢𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎 **'** and calling myself. My phone rang and I returned hers, unable to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. "Thanks, Uchiyama."

" _Arée_ , Nagakchika! If we weren't kidding around, I'd feel like we're in a business meeting. _Sérieusement_." The contentment in her expression didn't waver.

"Come on, you know I'm playing around!" I winked and she rolled her eyes. "Just Miri."

" _Merci,"_ she put a hand up to her necklace while her other hand held up her phone, allowing her to take a quick photo of me. "It was a pleasure doing business with you. I hope you're ready for spam messages, a full inbox and thirty calls a day."

"Huh, that's nothing compared to what I get on the daily," I remarked jokingly. "All these girls hitting me up and sending me messages...it's tough being so popular..."

"Oh, _tais-toi,"_ only a hint of her smile remained."Why aren't you out with _them_ , then?"

"Because I'm here with you."

"You didn't even know I was going to be here, _con."_

"Well, now I do...so I'm staying, obviously!"

Her eyes rolled once more as she shook her head. "Whatever, Nagakchika."

"You're sticking with that?!"

" _Ouais,_ Nagakchika!"

"It's a mouthful..."

" _You're_ a mouthful."

"I can be." I shrugged, beaming and winking at her again.

Dropping her phone, she covered her eyes with her arms and leaned back on the chair, laughing. "Ah, _putain."_

I stared at her, watching her shoulders bounce with every giggle that dug her out. I mean, she was nice to look at and fun to talk to. Girls generally – but not always – went the other way when I'd try to talk to them; then again, my sentences almost always began with 'do you have a boyfriend' or 'are you single?'

_Which reminds me..._

But before I could've asked, she abruptly stood up and smiled at us, her eyes lingering on Sumie the longest. "I'm heading out for a smoke," she sighed, placing a hand to her chest and going up to her necklace again.

"I think you're allowed to do that in here," said Norio. "There are no signs. Just ask the staff or something."

She glanced at me and then back at Sumie, seeming somewhat discouraged. " _Ce n'est pas grave_. Don't want to pollute your _fresh_ _air_." She giggled and strode to the door.

"Sorry about that." Said Sumie, looking at me. "I wasn't really listening to the conversation but if she said anything strange, we all apologize on her behalf. She arrived back from traveling only yesterday morning and she's been sort of...adrift." 

_Who the heck travels in the middle of the week?_

"I swear," Sumie continued with a sigh. "The first thing she did was call me to head over to the festival. No jet-lag whatsoever. Or she was on autopilot mode."

"No way, dude! What do you mean by that? She's fun," I retorted, waiting for Mirélle to appear behind the glass window. "It's happened before, the whole head-bumping thing when bowing at the same time, so it's nothing to apologize for!"

_I'm actually having a great time. And it's been too long since I've had this much fun._

"Huh? What are you insinuating?" Norio muttered, his face suddenly blocking my view. "You're all...doe-eyed, like some sort of love-struck tween."

"Doe-eyed?" I questioned, wondering if I appeared as infatuated as he said. "I'm not trying to force anything, man. She's been sweet and she laughs at all my jokes..." Norio was about to respond but I spoke again before he could, directing my gaze to Sumie. "How come she can speak Japanese so well? Accent aside."

"Biracial." She answered. "Her father's Japanese and her mother's French. She was born and raised here but goes to France every once in a while, then comes back, all Frenched-up. So, if one day she randomly kisses you on the cheeks, just know that she's greeting you...nothing more, all right?" She cut her laughter short.

Jin sighed, as though with longing. "I missed her. It feels like something's missing when she's not here."

"Of course you would say that." Sumie shrugged.

His tone was accusing when he responded. "I'm surprised you wouldn't."

"How long have you known her?" I asked Jin, raising my voice. "You never introduced her to me. You really should have!"

"This is why," Sumie answered, gesturing to all of me. "Everyone we introduce to her, they end up acting how you are acting right now, and she doesn't like attention from guys she's not interested in. _We_ are the ones that need to clean up the mess. _Merde..._ "

_Sumie speaks French, too?_

_Shouldn't be a surprise, given her last name._

"She seemed interested, though," I replied, rubbing my face. "We were flirting a ton just now, in case you missed it!"

"That's what they all say." Huffed Sumie. "You should learn the difference between being nice and flirting."

"I think I know the difference, contrary to popular belief. I'm not as dumb as I look, you know!"

"Think you have a chance with her then?" Norio smirked as if he knewotherwise.

I scoffed. "Yeah! I don't really see why not!"

Sumie hummed. "I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but you don't. Not really, anyway. She doesn't ...'date' anyone. You're better off asking out someone more available..."

"I'm just picking up on her hints," I directed my attention to Jin, hoping to find some sort of aid. "She kind of made the first move last night, y'know. Besides, what would a girl like that want with someone like me? I don't want to be 'that' guy,"—like Kaneki—"So I'm not saying something that's _entirely_ far-fetched from what I've seen. I won't know until I try!"

"Wait, what do you mean, 'she made the first move'?" Sumie demanded, widening her eyes. 

"Nothing big...she just asked for my LINE info. That warrants something!"

"You mean when she wanted to return the lighter?" it almost sounded like Norio was swallowing his words; as if he didn't want to say what he was saying. Then he turned to Jin as a frown emerged. "Damn it,you see! I _knew_ she took longer than she should have."

"Regardless," Sumie commanded silence as she pushed her brown hair back, although she looked almost as perturbed as Norio. "A small warning, Nagachika, that's all. You might get hurt in the end. Just ask Norio."

I peered at the blonde to my right, seeing his blue eyes study the creases of the sleeves on his crossed arms. He appeared somewhat unwilling to tell the story but ended up nodding anyway. "It didn't work out with Mirélle for me. That's all you need to know." He looked up at Sumie just then, giving her a death glare.

"So? We're different people. I'm still going to ask her out." I shrugged.

Jin cut in between the three-way conversation, addressing me sternly. "Another thing you should know if you want to ask her out...be sure that it's not for shallow reasons, like her appearance or her body. If there's one thing she's had enough of, it's specifically that."

Norio muttered something under his breath, but I was focused on the sudden change in atmosphere. While we had been joking around before, suddenly, everything seemed so tense.

_Aren't they being a bit too dramatic? I'm sure Mirélle didn't need them to act or speak this way on her behalf. The fact that she's not even present – she's probably not even aware of the way they talk about her._

_Besides, she looks like she can handle herself._

I nodded. "She _is_ cute, but I know better than that!"

"You literally stare at every pretty girl that walks past us and then you don't hesitate to ask them out, you headass." Norio protested, annoyed. 

I had almost forgotten that we went to the same university, but the argument within itself was ridiculous to begin with. I opened my mouth to protest, but was cut off before I could even take a breath.

" _What?"_ Sumie exclaimed. "Then _don't_ ask out Miri. God. Don't even _think_ about it. You're like everyone else who expresses interest in her."

"Oh, come on," I complained, shaking my head. "You can't be serious! As if you don't ask out someone that you think is cute? Norio-senpai, Jin-senpai, I'm sure you do! You find someone you're attracted to and find interesting, then ask them out. You two are extremely popular on campus, anyway."

Sumie and Norio were shutting me out, and Jin told them both to calm down before we could draw more attention to ourselves.

"Look, Nagachika," he said quietly. "We don't want to see either of you getting hurt, that's all. Knowing her and knowing the way you act could cause anissue. She especially hated that type – a chaser."

"What kind of lady doesn't?" Sumie retorted. "Especially as an adult. No one has time for that. You want someone you can just play with? Be with someone younger and less resilient."

With a sigh, I squinted my eyes at her. "I never said that!" I glanced at Norio and Jin. "What knowledge of my history gives off that kind of image?"

A part of me was pained by their accusations, especially when I looked up to see her on the other side of the glass.

"We go to the same uni." Scoffed Norio, curling his lip. "Our buildings aren't that far apart. And also your interactions with the girls in the committee."

 _My image had been trashed because I asked a few girls out and checked them out? I don't have a chance with Miri because of_ that? _Give me a break! As if these guys were any better._

I couldn't wrap my head around it. "I was never in a relationship with any of those girls. A man changes when he's...really interested in someone."

"Yeah. And a man changes just as fast when a hot piece of ass walks by." Norio continued. He was passionate about it, and it was understandable.

"I never said that," it was a weak argument against the blond's statement; a relationship was never something I was in to understand what it was like, but my moral compass wasn't so corrupted that I couldn't tell right from wrong or even blur the lines and that much I knew for a fact. 

_A man like that...was simply not a man._

"It's true, everything you said, but it also applies to everyone here on this table, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, right." He scoffed.

"It does." I muttered, tension wrapping around my neck. 

Jin put up his hands like he had nothing else to say to counter my statement.

"Whatever." Sumie shrugged, leaning back in her chair as she crossed her arms and legs. "And if she rejects you or doesn't reciprocate, are you going to ask me out next?"

"We'll just have to see about that, won't we?" I commented, almost in defeat.

"Then I hope she does, so we can see what happens."

A strange feeling crawled up my spine.

Norio shook his head. "Out of _everyone_ she could've shown interest in, it just _had_ to be you."

_I've dug myself into a grave of hatred, and I only just met these people. Well, just Sumie._

_'It's all right...besides, hotties are impossible, Hide. Don't fret.'_

"Shut up," looking out the window, I stood up. Mirélle shifted, visibly shivering as she rubbed her bare arms and blew out from her second cigarette. "I wouldn't hurt her. You don't even know me when I like someone!"

"Confidence will only get you so far," Sumie noted, looking up at me, still agitated. "And if she rejects you?"

" _When_ she rejects him," Norio said hotly, feeling the need to correct her. "He'll come back in here with his head hanging. Rightfully so."

They were so highly against the idea of me asking her out and I would be lying if I said that it wasn't discouraging me.

Shrugging, I blinked away their distasteful glances and took a step towards the door, when the sound of a chair squeal brought my attention back to the group. Jin was standing, leaning over the table slightly before he strode to me and placed a hand over my shoulder.

"You understand, don't you?" he muttered sympathetically, walking with me.

"Of course I do man," I argued, annoyed. "I'm not some bad-boy player-type, like, are you kidding me? So what if I've asked a few girls out and called them cute? Theymake it sound as if I'm out here, dating all the girls I meet at the same time, getting gifts from them, seeing a different girl every day."

"That's not me, that's you _and_ Norio! Both of you have literally so many girls on campus give you gift boxes and Bentos. Sure, you're not dating them, but what's wrong with being popular?" I shook my head, looking away as I tried to free myself from his arm. "I know that if someone I care about is by my side, I wouldn't hurt them! Never intentionally, at least. Come on, dude. I'm not so low or depraved. I'm not some weirdo."

The thought almost had me laughing.

_If Mirélle were to ever reciprocate...as if I'd ever take my eyes off her._

Jin let out a sigh. "Yeah, I get it. But that sort of thing matters to Miri. Just a heads-up for future reference, if things somehow get serious."

It already felt serious.

"I've known her for a really long time," he continued. "And I know that it would upset her if you were to stare at other girls and what have you—"

"Of course! I'm not stupid, and I'm not a caveman, Jin."

"She can be really emotional sometimes—"

I shrugged out of his hold. "Got it."

"Good luck," I heard Norio say out from behind us. " _You'll_ need it, Nagachika."

_...Was any of this even worth the trouble, at all?_


	5. ⦋ Fingertips ⦌

— **_2016_**

 ** _word count_** — _4325_

♪

Grunting under my breath, I sped up against the cold wind to where Mirélle stood, shivering slightly as she inhaled from her cigarette. Admittedly, she didn't look very appealing when she smoked, yet I was still attracted to her – I guess pretty girls could pull off anything.

_Moral of the story, kids._

She took notice of my arrival before I had said anything. With a gentle smile, she stood up straight, waving at me.

"Uchiyama," I bowed mock-grandly, the way I had at the Festival.

" _Hide..."_ she whined, pouting and turning away. 

"I'm just messing with you!" laughing, I strode towards her; the warnings of the group hung over my head as a reminder. _Jeez, as if._ "Don't you think you've been out here long enough? It's cold."

Glancing at her feet, she scratched her black heels on the gravel. "I just needed some air."

"Is there something on your mind?"

"I was just thinking." She looked at the sky, as though she were part of a different place: that the only thing keeping her tethered to Earth was the cigarette. I stared at her, trying to find a way in, but she interrupted and spoke in a voice so low that I had to move closer. "It's a bit different here, compared to France."

"Yeah? In what way?" I instantly removed my jacket once she shivered again.

"What are you doing? I'm fine," she put her hands up.

"You're _cold,_ I'm not!"

"But I—"

" _Really!"_

"It'll smell like smoke."

"Honestly _,_ it's all right!"

She hummed, gradually giving me another smile as she wore it. "Thanks, _je pense_. And I mean the cultures. _Comme_ France, to me,feels a lot less confined in a way," she bit her lip, running her fingers through her brown hair. "Every time I come back here, I need a bit of time to adjust to the differences and etiquettes again, or I slip up and people stare and talk."

"In what way could you slip up?"

"Hmmm..." she gazed at me. "When I first entered, I was about to greet you in a different way; in France, with strangers, with friends, family, people that are close to you or people you just met, _etcetera_ , it's normal to greet with a kiss on either cheek. It's called _'La-Bise'."_

"Really?" I exclaimed as my eyes widened. "That's a thing? A _kiss?_ To everyone?"

"It's not _exactly_ a kiss, it's more of... _alors_ , do you mind if I show you?"

My cheeks abruptly went degrees higher as I forced out a chuckle, scratching the right side of my face. "Well...no, I guess I don't mind."

Turning her cigarette to the other side, Mirélle put a smile on her face and tilted her head. " _Salut,"_ she chirped, leaning in close and placing her cold cheek against mine. She _did_ kiss me, but there wasn't exactly a moment of when her lips actually made contact with my cheek — until she moved to the other cheek, where she lingered for a few seconds longer.

I wondered if that was also part of it or if she did it to tease me. Or if she was still flirting with me. For an instant, I couldn't think straight as something hot unraveled inside me; all my senses focused on how near she was. She smelled of smoke, but also of perfume and flavored coffee: bittersweet.

_"Comme ça._ That's what's a bit disorienting about going back and forth, sometimes." With a shrug, she sat on the small space against the windowpane. "I think that's why I accidentally stood so close to you."

Shaking my head, I let out a chuckle. "But I stood close to you, too."

Mirélle rolled her eyes; still playful, still smiling. "And if I had greeted you that way, _et après?_ Who would be to blame?"

" _Fine._ It's a good thing you didn't 'la-bise' me."

She laughed before taking a drag out of her cigarette. "You're lucky you're cute."

_!!!_

"Oh?" I raised my brows, suddenly excited. "You think I'm cute?"

She shook her head, exhaling smoke. "I think you _know_ that you're cute. Didn't you see how Sumi was looking at you?"

A big part of me was hoping that she'd mention something about herself – thinking that I was cute or liking something about me other than my style – and not her friend. Not that her friend wasn't pretty or hot, or, admittedly, _pretty hot_ , but...

I was more interested in Mirélle.

"Sadly, I didn't notice." I said, but in reality, I did notice. I shrugged, shoving my hands into my pockets as I sat down with her. 

" _Alors,_ how was it in there?"

A strong cringe convulsed me. "They're all so protective over you! If I said something out of line, they would've pounded me. Not that I would, but if I did..."

The subject piqued her interest. " _Quoi?_ What did you say to have them react like that? Did you tell them we were flirting? Ah, did you tell them that you're into some weird stuff?"

 _"No,_ what?" stiffening momentarily, a nervous chuckle escaped my lips. _So, she acknowledges flirting with me._ "Yes, I told them that we flirted, and...this is a bit soon, but I told them that I was a bit interested in you, and they were about to eat me, like a bunch of Ghouls." I shook my head quickly. "Norio-senpai said that it didn't work out between you and him, so they might've had the idea that the same would happen with me."

_I hope they're wrong._

"Oh...well..." She looked away, cracking her fingers. "It's not really the same scenario, is it?"

"Right," I nodded. "Is it OK to ask what happened?"

With a shrug, she bit her lip. "Nothing that was too serious. He asked me out a couple of times, I said 'no' for all those times."

"What is it that you tell him when he asks you? Do you beat around the bush?"

"No, _bien sûr que non._ I tell him that I'm not interested in him straightforwardly. Beating around the bush will just cause more unnecessary tension."

_The entire scene in the cafe was unnecessary tension._

I looked at her again, recalling Sumie's words. "Is your heart 'unavailable' or something?"

" _Non,_ I'm just...not interested in him in _that_ way, _je pense_. He's more of a colleague to begin with; always has been."

"Can friends ever be more than friends? Or colleagues be more than colleagues?"

" _Huh?"_ she questioned in a tone that said, 'that's a dumb question'. "Of course they can be more. That's usually how relationships start out, _ne?_ From friends to lovers."

"So that means Norio-senpai could be _more_ than just a colleague someday." It sounded like I was trying to fix her up with him.

She winced and said, "Not for me."

I laughed, and a moment of silence followed after. The only noises that were heard were the sounds of her inhaling and exhaling from the cigarette, the traffic, and the chatter of people on the street to our left. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why I compared myself to him, and more importantly, compared my chances with his.

"You don't think I'm cute?" I asked loudly, almost startling her. 

Confusion blanketed her features as she glanced at me. " _Quoi?"_

"You heard me!"

"What kind of question is that?" she snickered helplessly. "How would you feel if I asked you, 'you don't think I'm pretty'?"

"Well," I cleared my throat, squaring my shoulders. "I would answer honestly!"

"Ah, really? And what could that answer be?"

"You're the prettiest girl I've ever met, so..."

It lightened up the mood further; the slightly dark aura around her faded gradually as she giggled.

" _Bon d'accord,"_ she sighed, throwing away her finallyfinished cigarette. "I think you're cute."

_!!! Yes!_

"Hm...cute enough to go out with me?"

_Good. Subtle. Just throw it out there. As I usually do. What else was there for me to do?_

" _Hein?"_ she all but yelled."Hide, _c'est une blague?"_

I chuckled, not hiding my enthusiasm. "I like that you randomly talk French even though no one around you understands."

She let out another laugh and looked at the floor. "Sumichan understands. And maybe someday, I can teach you." Her hand went up to her collarbones, playing with her necklace.

I stepped in front of her. "Is that a promise?"

She glanced up at me and I instinctively stood closer, the heat finding its way to my cheeks once more. "I'm not really good at teaching, but...I could give it a try."

My body trembled; I hadn't noticed how close we were standing until she stood up as well.

"I was serious, by the way. Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?"

"We're having coffee right now." She hesitated.

"No, no. Just me and you! If not coffee, then dinner, or something else, if not dinner. On a date."

With a hum, she looked to the sky, "I'll think about it," and continued to speak before I could say anything. "Let's go back inside. They might be waiting for us." Turning away, she began to remove the jacket.

I forcefully kept it on her, placing my hands on her small shoulders. "It's OK, you can keep it on! I'm not cold."

She laughed. "The goosebumps on your arms would beg to differ _._ "

A wide smile stretched across my face as she walked forward, tightening the jacket around herself. Even though she hadn't given me a definite answer, even though I had no idea whether we were going to go on a date or not, I felt good.

But it was shortlived as the memory of my best friend rose to the surface of the road in front of me.

_...Kaneki, I wonder what would you think._

We entered the café and sat with the group again; they glanced up at us as their conversation died out. I nodded to each of them as I blew into my hands.

"You're cold!" Miri exclaimed, beginning to remove the jacket.

"I'm really not," I whined. "Don't take it off, I'm not cold."

"Tell me when you want it, _d'accord?"_

"Don't worry!"

"Hey," Jin called out from beside Norio, talking to the waitress. "Any of you want to order anything?"

I shook my head.

"Yeah, maybe just...hm, caramel macchiato," then she glanced at me, smiling shyly. "I'll just wash my hands first."

When she was gone, all of their eyes almost literally burned a hole through me, except maybe the couple that didn't quite seem interested in even being there. "What? Is there something on my face?"

Sumie clicked her tongue. " _No_ – aren't you going to tell us what happened?"

Shrugging, I sat down and scratched my head. "What?"

"Nagachika," Jin was the one to call me out at that time. "What happened with Miri? Did you ask her out or not? And what did she say?"

Rubbing my nose, I looked away. "She said she'd think about it."

I didn't think I mentioned anything worthwhile, but according to their reactions, I had. Sumie was the first to gasp and it caused half a chain reaction; as expected, Domoto didn't express anything and his girlfriend only mildly widened her eyes.

"No _way,"_ murmured Sumie with a scowl. "In the years that I've known Miri, she hasn't dated at all since her last ex. I heard about all the stories and she even shared some with me, but...I never got to be a part of her love life." When she looked at me, her eyes were accusatory. "What did you do to her?"

"I didn't do anything _to_ her!" even though I had responded sharply, my mind lingered on her words. _All the stories? Stories about Miri?_

"Honestly though, she hasn't shown any interest to anyone, even the guys that I knew all too well that _were,_ wholeheartedly, her ideal type. What _did_ you do to her?" asked Jin, almost lowering his glasses.

_It was serious enough that he'd take off his glasses?!_

"I really didn't do anything," I scratched my face. "You're all acting as if she said yes..."

"'I'll think about it' is very close when it comes to Miri," Sumie elaborated. "It's either 'no', or 'I'll think about it'. It's basically a 'yes'."

My face scrunched. "I don't believe you one bit!"

"This is unfair," muttered Norio, crossing his arms and scoffing. "She should have rejected your thirsty-ass."

"Can you shut up about that?" I huffed, almost shoving him to the side and off his chair. "Thirsty, yeah right!"

_The only one here that feels that way is you, Norio-senpai...clearly in love with her._

"I know you're against it," Esashi suddenly mumbled, gazing at us with wide, shiny eyes. "But you know what? Maybe it'll be good for her."

"I would've been the better choice," Norio continued under his breath, which resulted in me lightly punching his arm. "You want to fight me, Nagachika?"

" _Hey,"_ Jin almost yelled, nearly slamming his palm on our table. "Relax. Or take it outside."

"Get it through your head, dude," Domoto said. It was probably the most the couple had spoken on the topic. "She doesn't like you. There's nothing else to it."

"Besides," said Jin. "It's not a definite, concrete 'yes', so come off it."

My heart hammered as I looked away.

Miri was back before anything else was said on the topic, and Jin very casually began talking about something else to make it seem like we weren't backbiting.

"Did I miss anything?" she asked as her curious eyes landed on each of us. "I swear, if you had a really interesting discussion without me, I'll flip."

"We know to only debate when you're around." Sumie rolled her eyes as a smile stretched her lips.

"Good." Miri sighed, returning the expression. "So, _mon chou,_ you're in Kamii with Jin, right?"

"Yeah." I shook my head. "Wait, what does _mon chou_ mean?"

Giggling, she brought her hand up to her collarbones, playing with her necklace again. _Is that something she does when she's nervous or lying?_

"Nothing you need to know just this instant," she smiled, her eyes lingering on the features of my face - I did the same, and it made me tense.

"Didn't you say you were going to teach me some French?" I questioned excitedly.

"Just the important stuff, _t'sais._ That one's...not so important right now."

"I'm going to find out sooner or later since you called me that."

"Who says I'm _calling_ you that? For all you know, it could be another...random, unnecessary word."

"Doubtful!" I laughed, going back to her question. "I'm in Kamii with Jin-senpai, yep. What about you? What do you do?"

"Hmm..." she slowly removed the jacket and held it close to her chest, bringing it slightly up to her face - _smelling it?_ Maybe checking to see if it smelled like smoke. It was like watching a movie in slow motion. 

_Honestly, how cheesy could I get? And to think I was giving Kaneki some dating tips..._

"I work part-time and study if that's what you're asking. It's why I couldn't text you, remember?" she giggled. " _Et toi_ , Hide?"

"Huh?"

"Sorry; what about you, Hide?"

"I do the exact same! My shift is usually at night though, for four days a week. But I'm applying to different places right now and trying my luck."

"Then we're practically on the exact same boat." She grinned. "I was actually thinking of quitting..."

While listening to Miri speak, I took notice that Sumie was listening in on our conversation without addressing her. The rest of the group seemed to be talking about random things: Domoto and Esashi were whispering to one another and often made comments, while Jin and Norio discussed university topics. Sumie was left somewhere in the middle.

After I answered her question, I countered with my own. "What about you, Miri? What do you work and study?"

Sumie turned to Jin and Norio for a brief moment, but then back to us.

"Right now," Mirélle responded. "I write for the newspaper on upcoming events and festivals, kind of like an update article. But for uni, I'm a Junior in—"

"Wait, a _Junior?!"_

She was confused at my surprise. "Yes! Aren't you? I thought you were in the same class as Jin and Fujisaki-san...?"

"I'm a Sophomore..." I scratched my head. "You're older than me?"

"I'm turning twenty-two... _toi?"_

A deep sigh had me closing my eyes. "I'm turning twenty-one."

"That's not so far apart," Sumie remarked, almost squinting her eyes at me. "Being a year older isn't too much, right? Is it an issue for you, Nagachika? I'm younger than both of you."

I smiled, feeling my cheeks warm up. "Not at all! It's hot."

Mirélle burst out in laughter. "You say things like that so freely."

"What can I say? My parents raised me to be an honest man," when the realization hit me, I gasped. "Mirélle...you're my _senpai!"_

She covered her face, squirming and squealing silently. " _Tais-toi,_ Hideyoshi..."

"If she's your senpai, then I'm your kōhai." Sumie snickered. "Are you going to call her _senpai_ from now on?" Mirélle all but screeched at her words.

"I just might! Look at her reaction! Priceless!"

Things calmed down once the waitress arrived to place everyone's order in front of them; even though I had told Jin that I didn't want anything, another mug of... _something_ was placed in front of me. I glanced at him, and he smirked.

"Give it a shot." He nodded at me. "Vanilla macchiato."

He himself was drinking black coffee.

" _Anyway,"_ Mirélle stressed, rubbing the edge of the saucer. "My major is Computer Science and I minor in Music at Takayū University, but I also take courses of Cybersecurity online." Then she groaned. "Two hours of you two making jokes before we could get back to the topic."

"Wow," it took me a bit to recall what she had said the previous night; I connected the dots and found out why she said it would be easy to look me up and find my information _just_ by having my name, which was a bit scary. Did she use her skills for other things, the way I used mine? "You must be really smart, then! Why didn't you apply to Kamii?"

She shrugged. "I don't know...I know that it's one of the best universities in the 20th Ward, but I...just went somewhere else, _je pense."_ Her features were doleful. "It can't be helped."

I turned to the other girl."What about you, Sumie?"

"We study in the same uni, at Takayū," Sumie replied swiftly. "But I major in Liberal Arts and minor in Music, too, which is how and where we first met. I was a freshman, and she was a sophomore."

"Liberal studies?" I hummed. "That's almost similar to what I take! But wait, wait - Miri, isn't that a lot for you to do?"

"What do you mean?" Miri took a small sip of her drink.

"You know, with your part-time job, the festival committee, majoring _and_ minoring...woah, I'm getting a headache just mentioning them all."

"No; I do more for uni, too, but I can take it. I don't like not doing _something_. Plus, organizing those events means that I sometimes get to meet a lot of artists that want to do concerts in Tokyo. It's a lot of fun!"

I wondered what were the other things that she did — the things she didn't mention.

"Nagachika, what do you take?" Sumie asked.

I scratched the side of my face. "I major in Liberal Arts, in the Department of International Studies."

"Oh!" Mirélle's eyes widened. "We'd make the best team, us three." She masked her voice, putting a hand to her ear. "I've infiltrated the system."

I imitated her. "Target located."

"Quick! He's heading for the broom cupboard – for some reason!"

"Where in the world are you watching us from?"

"Security cameras! Move!"

Sumie giggled as Mirélle and I began making sound effects. When I looked to my right, Norio was glaring at me.

"But seriously," Miri cleared her throat, pushing her hair back but having it fall on the side of her face again. _So pretty._ "International Studies...I expect that you'd be traveling abroad too, sometime in the future."

"Ihope so! Going abroad sounds awesome. And I'm learning English, so maybe it'll be easier to communicate with foreigners."

She laughed, repeating what she said earlier. "I've infiltrated the system..."

"I'll infiltrate yoursystem."

And once again, she fell back on her chair, covering her face. She must've been hiding her embarrassment, and I really wanted to see it. " _Arée,_ don't say things like that. Ahh! _Putain...!"_

Something within me shifted as I glanced at Sumie, giving her a playful wink. She shook her head and rolled her eyes, at least seeming to agree with my crush on Miri.

♪

"What kind of music are you into?"

Mirélle's brows furrowed. "Um...my favorite bands are SukimaSwitch _,_ Panik _,_ and Eths _..._ a few other French singers too, like Indilaand Stromae, but I have to study a lot of classical music so I listen to that too, thanks to my minor _._ Sometimes, I make exceptions for English and Korean music, but the only English I listen to are the songs that are played on the radio."

Sumie agreed with a nod. "Me too, I usually only listen to that kind of English music, but I don't go out of my way to find anything new. For me, it's just a lot of J-Pop groups and some French musicians."

"Why French?"

"Right! She's a halfie like me." Mirélle smiled. "So she listens to them to improve her French! Even though I personally think that she doesn't _need_ to."

Sumie didn't look as foreign as her friend, even though they were both half Japanese and French; it was a strange idea, being exactly like someone and yet being completely different.

"You always say that," Sumie grunted. "But I really _do_ need to improve."

"So why don't you listen to all the artists that Miri just mentioned?" I asked, resting my head on my hands.

"They're not _all_ French," Sumie huffed. "They're German and Japanese."

Once again, I was taken aback. "...Don't tell me you speak German too, Miri."

I thought she was out of my league before, but in reality, she's on a completely different field. 

"A little bit." she chuckled. "My house in France is in Strasbourg, and it's right across a town called Kehl, Germany. I didn't study there but because we visited my family often, it was inevitable, but it's also not completely long-lasting. Ah, it's an entire history lesson, Hide. Do you want me to get into it?"

I shook my head vigorously. "No, no, sounds like too much! That's amazing, though. What about you, Sumie?"

"I'm from Angers, but we only visit once every year for a week or two, or a month, at most."

"We should go together," Miri said to her, leaning on the table. "And go on the tourist tours for shits and giggles."

"We really should!" Sumie sounded excited, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Nagachika, what kind of music are you into? You didn't tell us."

"Ah, right. I listen to a _lot_ of music, which is why I'm always equipped with headphones. But mostly English songs and singers, because I'm trying my best to learn the language. I really like The Backstreet Boys right now! I'm _almost_ fluent, I just don't know how far I need to go yet in order to learn it from the inside out." I grinned. "My best friend was interested in learning, too, but once he saw how much I was truly interested, he gave up."

"Now I wonder how deep you'll dive into the French culture," Miri smirked, raising a brow. "Maybe soon, we'll have full conversations in French!"

 _If it weren't for Sumie—and, admittedly,_ everyone _else around us, this would've been like our first date._

A specific moment stood out to me; sometime during the evening, when Mirélle and I were both fumbling with our mugs, my finger gently brushed against hers, and it was strangely otherworldly. I reached out to the rest of her fingers just to flirt, but I wound up wondering why my hand was suddenly so sensitive to the touch. Even though it was just our hands, my entire head was heating up.

When I glanced at her, she was also staring at our hands, gently playing with my fingers; it was like I could feel her touch me from the inside and it was strangely arousing. She looked up and it took her a second to regain her composure and close her mouth. Blinking, she pulled her hand away and covered her smile, shuddering, as if to shake off the lingering ambiance.

But it wasn't long before her fingers were back in my hand again. She started to trace the lines along my palm, and it felt like my innards shivered at her touch. I sighed, and she smirked.

"Let me see..." she said coyly.

"You read palms?" I asked.

"Shh, I'm trying to concentrate." She moved forward, biting her lip. "This is your love line, and that's your lifeline..."

Lifting up my hand, she studied it further and...I couldn't tell if she was joking or not. Leaning in much closer, her eyes almost crossed and shut as she continued to caress my hand.

_What's this curious...erotic sense..._

"Hey, Mirélle," Sumie said, rather loudly. It pulled Miri out of the odd trance she was in. "Mind coming to the bathroom with me?"

Mirélle shook her head and blinked rapidly, "Yeah," lowering my hand. "Sorry...forget that." And she hurried after Sumie, putting her hands up to her head.

I formed a fist, unable to erase the feeling of her fingers on my palm; unable to calm my heart.


	6. ⦋ Solitude ⦌

— _rewrite **2018**_

 ** _word count_** — _3586_

♪

If we were behind closed doors, it would've been dangerous.

Suspicions of her being a Ghoul clouded my mind, but I didn't want to believe it.

_Is this how Kaneki was lured in by that Ghoul, Rize? She must've seduced him into her trap..._

 _If_ _Mirélle_ _was a Ghoul, and if we had been in a closed area, would she have eaten me?_

I _couldn't_ believe my suspicions. Usually, my intuition was right and at that moment, nothing felt off; it felt more...warm. She couldn't have been a Ghoul: if she were, then everyone else at that table could've been one, too. 

But, who's to say that Ghouls and humans couldn't mingle? If Kaneki were still around, I would still be his friend, and he's a Ghoul...or half a Ghoul, or _something._

Was Mirélle doing that to size me up, or was it the simple intention of flirting with me?

I looked at my hand again, imagining my fingers on skewers.

_Do Ghouls grill up their humans sometimes, the way we do to animal meat when we go on barbecue trips?_

"Nagachika's probably day-dreaming about the date," I heard Norio mumble to Jin. "Jeez...ridiculous!"

"Oh God," Domoto moaned, while Jin halfheartedly chuckled. "Let it go already."

Norio continued to whine as Jin tried to talk some sense into him, but my attention was pulled towards Sumie, who strutted her way back from the bathroom. Mirélle wasn't with her.

_If she were a Ghoul, who knew about it? Did Sumie know?_

"Miri says sorry," she puffed as she sat down.

"Where's she?"

Her hands and shoulders went up. "She's...embarrassed."

That wasn't what I was expecting. "What do you mean? Embarrassed by what?"

After all, I could most definitely be wrong. She could most definitely _not_ be a Ghoul.

"Look," Sumie continued, sighing. "If there's something you need to understand about her, it's this: Mirélle's a very... _physical_ being. She likes to touch and hug and kiss, and sometimes hit and push, but it's how she expresses herself."

For some reason, I was blushing.

"It's sometimes hard for her to stop, or to find a boundary, and that's why a lot of people misread her intentions..."

"Explains Fujisaki," Domoto muttered with a short snicker. "Maybe she was so touchy with him that he thought she was into him."

"Yeah," Sumie agreed. "She'd push him or, in the middle of laughing, she'd hit him, and he'd think—"

" _All right,"_ Norio growled. "Is it time to roast me already? As if earlier wasn't enough? Fucking hell..."

"You get the point," Sumie nodded at me.

"So," I sighed. "What you're saying is, she wasn't flirting with me just now?"

Jin replied briskly, almost urgently. _Was_ everyone _watching us?!_ "No, no, she surely was, but—"

"She's just embarrassed for having touched you like that," Sumie almost whispered, shrugging. "I don't know, she told me that if I didn't stop her, it could've been worse."

Putting my hand up to cover my mouth from the ones sitting on my right, I whispered back, curious. "Worse? How worse?"

"I don't know, she would've either kissed or licked you. Maybe even sucked you. Take your pick." Her voice wasn't low enough, which resulted in the table making 'woo' sounds; except for Norio, of course. Even Domoto and Esashi joined in, teasing me. 

"Can you get hickeys on your hands?" Domoto asked stupidly.

"I know for a fact that she would've gone for his wrists. She likes joints or something, and it's apparently a sensitive area, the tips of your fingers or the middle of your palm."

"Ohohoh, how would you know, Delafose? Experience?"

"Not _my_ experience..."

"Can we please change the subject?" if my cheeks weren't burning red before, they most definitely were right then. "It was probably awkward for her..."

Almost as if Mirélle _knew_ when to be back, she was abruptly striding in our direction. I covered my face with my hands, understanding how she must've felt when she was trying to hide her embarrassment every time I flirted with her so openly.

_So if Sumie didn't say anything, would she have...?_

I shook my head, trying to rid my thoughts of the pictures that had bombarded my imagination at that moment.

_I guess she's not a Ghoul..._

_Maybe._

"Besides...how would _you_ know what she was doing, or what she wanted to do?" I hissed at Sumie, trying to act casual.

"I know a lot," her lips went up in a sly smile. "And she told me. Duh."

"What do you know?" questioned Mirélle gently as she sat down, not looking at me. "Who told you what?"

"A lot," Sumie repeated, nodding at me. "Everyone, everything."

When Mirélle gazed at me, her smile was controlled and it irritated me, so I grabbed her hand and gave her a wide grin.

"That was helpful, Miri!" I exclaimed, hoping to eradicate any of the discomforts she had felt earlier. "Please read my palm whenever you can!"

Her eyes gave away the profound emotions she felt at the gesture. Blinking, she shook her head as she allowed a genuine smile to decorate her pretty features. 

"Thank you."

♪

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚈𝚘, 𝙺𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚔𝚒!

𝙼𝚊𝚗, 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎. 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚏𝚏!

𝙸 𝚐𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚖𝚎𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔...

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚗𝚘, 𝙸'𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚎𝚕𝚞𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚎𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛!!

𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚎, 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚎! 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝?

𝙹𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚙𝚛𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚌𝚌𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚠𝚠𝚠𝚠

(𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚗? 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎, 𝚑𝚊𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚒𝚝?)

_And I'll just pray to myself that she isn't a Ghoul, too._

"Ready to go?" Jin said aloud as he addressed everyone, standing up.

It was about eleven thirty-five p.m when we split the bill. Initially, I assumed that it was time to go home and sleep, but clearly, I was wrong.

_Then again, who in their early twenties goes home at eleven on a weekend, of all days? The last time I went home that early was probably when I was still in high school!_

_Heck, even back then, Kaneki and I would stay out late, talking..._

"Where to?" Mirélle asked, getting up as well and putting on my jacket before realizing what she was doing. "Ah, wait—"

"It's cold outside," I smiled at her, waving off her concerns. "Keep it on, Miri-chan!"

She pressed her lips together before covering her mouth.

"The park near the abandoned buildings," Sumie suggested as a reply to Miri's question. "The place with the trees and the river, near the bridge. It was a lot of fun last time we were there."

"How long are you guys staying out for?" I asked, hoping that I could spend time with them as well but also hoping to somehow get home and have enough rest for the next day.

"Why?" Norio made a voice; an irritating one. "Is your mommy waiting for you?"

With a sigh, I rolled my eyes and ignored him, glancing at Miri.

"We usually stay out until three or four, but nowadays, we go home at about one-thirty or two..." she replied passively, gazing at the base of my neck. Maybe their timings changed when the Ghoul attacks and sightings became more frequent. "Unless we're going to someone's house; then we stay for as long as we want."

"Logically speaking." I chuckled, hoping that her mood would lift. She smiled at me, lightly punching me on the arm.

"So, it's decided?" Jin questioned. "Nagachika, will you join us this time?" There was a hint of mockery in his tone.

He must've known that I was going for Mirélle, _mostly_. Jin usually invited me out with him and Norio, and when I did join them on the weekends or other days that I'm invited, I usually cut it short and headed home early.

_Eh, whatever._

"Yeah, it's the weekend, after all!" with a grin, I ran a hand through my hair.

_I have the whole night after this_ and _the entire morning. I just hope it's not too late to try._

"Good then," he continued, still slightly teasing me. I wished I could see his eyes to properly understand the meaning behind his words. "We'll stick your bike in the back of my Jeep, good?"

"Or, I can follow you _on_ my bike." I didn't want to inconvenience anyone, especially not Jin; he could definitely see through me. "Would my bike even _fit?"_

"Nonsense! There's enough space for you and your bike. Don't say stuff like that. If it doesn't, I'll just have to dismantle it to fit it in."

"A-are you kidding? There's really no problem in me just following—"

He _actually_ shushed me. "It's fine, bro."

What really worried me were the seating arrangements: assuming that everyone had arrived at the café _with_ Jin, how were we _all_ going to fit? I voiced out my worries to him, but he only stubbornly insisted further. 

"Look, I'm going to dismantle your bike and we'll see about the seating once it's done. All right?"

"What can I say...it's not like you'll change your mind." 

With a chuckle, he headed out the door, nodding. "Right."

"After you," Miri said softly, gesturing for the door. I grabbed her outstretched hand and held the other one as well, pulling her close behind me. "H-hey," she was startled for a split-second but didn't say anything else as we walked out. We were the last two to leave the café; her breath danced along the back of my neck as my eyes followed my feet. I grew more nervous as the minutes passed.

_What do the next few hours have in store for me?_

The night was dark and all that illuminated the road were the yellow streetlights, as well as a few neon signs that belonged to supermarkets; there weren't as many people as I thought there would be. At the front, leading the group to their destination were Domoto and Esashi, while everyone else followed. Mirélle stood close behind me, and that was honestly all that mattered to me at that moment.

"I'll get my bike!" I called out to Jin, who nodded as he opened up the driver's seat to his _absolutely badass motherfucking black JEEP_. Miri let go of my hands and hurried to his side, her hair bouncing along with the sound of her voice as she spoke to him loudly.

_She runs well in heels._

"You know," I heard Sumie mumble from my side. "She _also_ has a thing for napes."

"Ah, you must be saying that because...?"

"The way she stared at your nape when you were walking in front of her," Sumie nearly laughed. "Like a kid looking at candy through a window."

"That doesn't sound bad at all!" In fact, it gave me endless fantasies. "What else does she like?"

"Physically? Hm...shoulders, I think," Sumie examined me. "You're not really her type, but for some reason, she has an interest in you."

"No, in general! What can I do to impress her? Wait, why am I not her type?!"

"She likes big chests, big arms, short hair, strong jaws! You are like a noodle. The only thing you use is your legs, right? At least you've got your thighs and calves going for you. Maybe she likes your ass?"

"My _ass?"_ I huffed. "A noodle...I don't have all the time in the world to work out..."

"Anyway, forget that; she has a thing for you already. I don't know why, but she does. Even though she usually went for Jin-types. Maybe it's just physical?"

With another sigh, I walked my bike to Jin's Jeep, Sumie by my side. "I lack most of the physical attributes that are her type, according to you!"

Her eyes rolled as if she were annoyed, but her expression changed when she pressed her lips together. "Remember what I told you? That Mirélle is very physical..."

"Yeah?"

"It's old news, but she really was a lot _more_ physical in the past, too. Her past relationships...a lot of them were just purely physical. I wasn't there, but she told me," Sumie must be talking about the 'stories' that she mentioned earlier. My insides tightened; it's not like I wanted to _hear_ about it. "So...I don't know, be careful. If you want something that's not _just_ physical, make sure she knows that. Make it clear to her. Unless you do, then have at it."

I looked up at the sky. "You're not against the idea of Miri and I anymore?"

"No...whatever. I don't really care. As long as she's happy, I guess." She did care, but I couldn't exactly tell about what.

Once we had arrived back at the Jeep, Jin opened up the trunk and absolutely dismantled my bike (all right, he only took off the first wheel) in order for it to fit into the Jeep, and that resulted in only _one_ available seat at the back, right behind the driver's chair. I whined about simply tailing them, but he ignored me as he did earlier.

They all began speaking to one another again as I stood back and watched. A sudden wave of sadness took over me; maybe it was the cold, bone-chilling wind or the blur of sound that awakened the bitter emotion. Whatever it was, I felt much heavier than I did only seconds ago. I pulled out my phone and texted Kaneki just for the sake of texting him – maybe it was the loneliness creeping up on me again.

𝚆𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞?

—was all I had typed, unable to click 'send' and unable to entirely erase it; simply staring at the screen, I wondered whether it would be some sort of invasion of personal space if I sent it, but what's the matter in being a protective best friend? Especially after not seeing him or hearing from him in a long time...

"Hey. Are you OK?" Miri asked abruptly, standing in front of me. I shook my head as if doing so would help in chasing away the dim thoughts.

"Yeah! I'm great, looking forward to the hangout!" I shoved a smile to my face but was only able to pull off a feeble grin; I avoided her eyes, not knowing how my own must've looked. "But I'm just a little tired, that's all! I didn't get much sleep last night." Staring at Mirélle's shadow on the ground, I still couldn't bring myself to meet her gaze.

"Oh," she muttered, making me tilt my head up. I half-smiled once more, making eye contact this time and seeing some sort of worry in her eyes. "Do you want to go home?"

_Home..._

Forcing my lips to stretch, I urged out a chuckle. "No, no! I think we're going to have a good time!" At that point, I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.

She stepped closer. "Hm?"

I allowed myself to sense whatever the hell my insides were causing, and I could _feel_ my features crumble slowly; I felt my gaze soften to the point of a gradual blur. Releasing a sigh, I brought my hands to my face and rubbed lightly, putting up another smile as I felt that there was no point in pretending completely. "Sorry if I made you worry. But...I don't think I should be alone right now."

Shame seeped into my skin and took residence upon my cheeks. It was always in the darkest periods of the night that I felt such a sadness; such solitude. My eyes went up to hers, and I was insecure about how vulnerable I must've appeared.

She half-smiled and tilted her head slightly. "Hide...you don't have to pretend to be OK around me all the time, _d'accord?_ I know we only just met about six hours ago, but...you're human..."

Her words felt like an ultimatum and all of my emotions suddenly rushed to the surface of my skin, flooding my eyes and blocking my nose.

 _Shit. S_ _he's...perceptive._

_Maybe as perceptive as I am._

Taking a deep breath, I stifled all of it back inside me and released an exhale instead, furiously wiping my face. Feeling a bit lighter, I looked at her, finding comfort in the little smile she was wearing. I hadn't realized how much weight my body was under; ever since the Ghoul issue arose in the ward, I was always on edge, always afraid. And when Kaneki left, I was always wondering and hoping...

Hoping for the best, somehow, someday, somewhere.

_Damn, I almost let it all out. In front of someone._

"Pretend?" I asked, exaggerating the movement of my brows. "Oh, what-ever do you mean?"

She giggled lightly, interrupting my train of thought as she poked my cheek. " _Tais-toi!_ That fake smile of yours can't fool me one bit!"

The fact that she pointed it out made me feel even more weightless; it was as if she found that dark place inside me and slowly dug it out, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to expose that place to anyone just yet.

"We've only met six hours ago! You can't tell if my smile is fake or not."

"It's not so hard to read people, you know...plus, I feel like I've known you longer than six hours. Is that weird?"

"Yes. Because you're a weirdo."

" _Eh, bien,"_ she shrugged. "Hey...if it bothered you _that_ much, _mon chou_ literally translates to 'sweetie'."

As she twirled to the Jeep, I grabbed on to her hand almost desperately, tugging her close to me once more. I didn't care about how much my body was shaking or how sweaty my hands were; another second was what mattered to me right now.

_Fuck. What's happening to me?_

_Not now. Not in front of people._

Her voice dropped, almost to a whisper. "Tell me what's wrong..."

I sniffed, pushing the hair out of my face as I shook my head. "I think my allergies may be acting up!"

Mirélle threw my hand away and punched me in the chest. I laughed, meaning it, as I reached out to her once more.

 _"Tu te fous de ma gueule?"_ her brows were furrowed, but she couldn't keep the frown. She studied my brown eyes curiously, maybe not so sure about what she's looking at – _who_ she's looking at. With a sigh, she shook her head, holding my pinky with hers. " _Bon d'accord,_ let's go see what they're doing. _Putain, pourquoi es tu si mignon?"_

"You're talking to yourself!"

"You heard me, you just didn't understand, _con."_

We walked to the side of the Jeep together, watching the others argue about seating arrangements. Jin suggested that Norio sit in the front with him, as he apparently usually did, while Mirélle and I sit on the remaining seat behind him. The others had no choice but to sit cross-legged on the folded chairs, keeping my bike company.

"Why can't Miri sit with me in the back?" Sumie ranted. "Me, Miri, Esashi, and Domoto in the back; Nagachika on that seat and Fujisaki and you in the front."

"There's no space, Sumie," Jin elaborated with a slight smile on his face. "Maki and Esashi are going to take up a whole space on the left of the bike and you either join them in that space or take the small space on the right, putting the wheel with the couple."

He sighed as if he didn't want to discuss it anymore. And truthfully, I couldn't blame him; the seating arrangement made sense.

"Hold up," Norio cleared his throat. "Uchi-san and Nagachika on one seat...? They wouldn't fit."

"Well, obviously," Jin chuckled. "She'll be on his lap. Or he can sit on hers. Whatever works."

I wasn't sure if it was Mirélle or Norio that gasped, but the thought definitely lit me up as well.

 _And why_ wouldn't _I want Mirélle to sit on my lap?_

"Why couldn't Delafose sit in his place instead?" the blonde continued. "Instead of having Uchi-san sit on Nagachika..."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I could sit on Sumie's lap, _je pense,"_ Mirélle mumbled, then laughed. "But I'm afraid I'd crush her. Maybe she could sit on mine?"

"What makes you think I'm not heavy, too?" Sumie countered, almost angrily. "Go sit on freaking-Nagachika."

" _Arée_ ,why are you so aggressive?" Miri yelled, hitting Sumie with the back of her hand as she let go of my pinky. They began to argue and Jin had to stop it.

"Furthermore, Nagachika's an honored guest...this is the first time he's out with us _after_ the main event."

Norio didn't say anything and exhaled heavily, looking away in sadness. Honestly, I wanted to pat him on the back; it was brave of him to even be out there with the girl he was clearly in love with, and that girl was flirting with another guy in front of him.

_Ouch..._

"Wait," Norio suddenly snapped. "Why can't Maki and Esashi sit togeth—"

"All right!" Jin interrupted, clapping his hands together. "Maki with Esashi and Sumie in the trunk, Nagachika with Miri behind me, Norio beside me. Good?"

"Bu—"

"Yes!"I insisted. "It's perfect! I don't see a downside."

"You just want Uchi-san to sit on your lap!" Norio accused, pointing a finger at me.

" _No..._ try to convince Jin to change the seating. It's all on him!"

Jin exhaled deeply, shaking his head. "C'mon, let's go. It's getting late."

Norio complained and whined to him, but Jin responded in hushed tones with an arm around his shoulder; he liked to do that when he wanted to comfort someone.

_I really wonder..._


	7. ⦋ Drive ⦌

— _**2018**_

 **_[ explicit content_ ** _2.5/5_ **_]_ **

**_word count_** — _3247_

♪

_I had no fucking idea what I had gotten myself into when I agreed on the seating arrangement._

No one ever sat on my lap before.

Not a friend.

Not a sibling.

Not a boy.

Not a girl.

The closest person to me would never sit on my lap and I would never offer it. But due to the lack of seating, I had thought that, _for_ _some_ reason, having my crush sit on me wouldn't be too bad.

_I was wrong._

Controlling my breathing was the least of my problems; there was something else that needed taming — _but it wasn't something I could control._

"Forty-five minutes," Jin had said when we were all settling into our seats after I'd asked how long it would take for us to get there. He lit a cigarette and opened up the window. "So, get comfortable."

All I knew was that I needed a bathroom. It was like that feeling I had gotten on the first day of a new shift or university: my hands were sweaty and I was shaking from the inside out.

Before we entered the car, she took off the jacket. When we first sat down, she bent forward in order to remove her heels, and the image closely resembled the beginnings of a few dirty videos I had seen back in the day. It took a lot out of me not to hold her hips or stroke her back or — well, _anything_.

I closed the door when the heat of her body filtered onto my thighs, and it was hard to focus on anything else from then on out.

"Ah," she sighed heavily, placing her hands near my knees as she adjusted herself on top of me, turning to the side. _Dammit._ "Finally!"

"Tired?" I chuckled, embarrassed. I couldn't help but _feel_ the awkwardness in my voice; the stiffness, literally and figuratively. If there were one thing I was thankful for, it was the fact that my breath still smelled of coffee.

"Not really, but taking off your shoes after a long day is always a treat." When she turned to me, she smiled. " _Salut."_

Biting my lip, I forced my eyes to the window after giving her a grin and greeting her back. More than anything, I didn't want her to think of me as a creep. It was a strangely desperate feeling.

"Hope you're comfortable, Nagachika," Norio scoffed.

"Thanks..."

"At least the rest of you are a _whole_ lot more comfortable than us," Sumie yelled, probably sitting right behind my chair, along with the couple. "It's cramped and the floor's hard."

"What did you expect?" Jin responded. "You could've sat on the other side."

"Whatever, we're already seated," Domoto muttered quietly, annoyed. "We'll be there soon anyway."

We were both silent as Jin drove and the music wasn't loud enough to mask even a little bit of the tension. Everyone else around us had been conversing: Jin and Norio spoke of university matters as usual, as well as Norio's work shifts. Domoto, Esashi, and Sumie were talking about random things, and it was the most I had heard from Esashi.

The quiet between Mirélle and I was unexpected. My hands were almost clenched at my sides as I looked at her and out the window, wondering why she wasn't saying anything; other than turning her head from time to time and playing with her necklace, she wasn't moving much either.

_This is probably making her uncomfortable, that's why..._

When our eyes met, she gently said, " _Pardon_ ," and brought her hand up to gather her hair to the right, leaving the entirety of her neck and the V of her button-down exposed to me. I felt myself and fought myself, wishing I could adjust my pants to make everything at least _look_ normal.

She leaned back against the door briefly, and I forced my eyes to her necklace from her chest and her mouth. _At least this is somewhere in between._

"It's a bird, in case you were wondering," she tilted her head and smiled, holding on to the handle above her and placing a hand around the chair I was sitting on. _I thought she was going to put her arm around me, shit._

Her body was slightly lifted off mine as well.

"Are you all right?" I questioned, clearing my throat. "You seem a bit uncomfortable. Do you want to move?"

"Where will I go?"

"...Right..."

"Plus, you look just as uncomfortable," she nodded to my arms and shoulders. "I don't think you moved your hands since we sat down."

That's when I realized how right she was: how, keeping my hands to my sides, really did me no favors. It wasn't as if my abdomen wasn't already exposed; I was just glad that she wasn't sitting so close to _it._

With a shrug, I hesitantly placed a hand on her back. She was startled for a split-second before easing up in my grip.

"Can you properly relax now?" I was partially telling myself, too. As she opened her mouth to say something, Jin had quickly driven over a hump on the road.

"Sorry, sorry," he said aloud, glancing at the back through the rearview mirror. "Lights weren't on bright enough. My bad."

"Maybe take off your glasses?" Sumie shouted back, frustrated.

Mirélle sighed, finally listening to me and relaxing, but I should've noticed how close she was after Jin recklessly drove over the hump; I should've noticed that her thigh was right above my...

Lava poured inside me at the notion and I felt myself grow.

_Fuck._

Everything was hot. She was in my line of sight when I looked at the window; our gazes crossed and _she really must've known,_ since her breathing was almost as stifled as my own _._ But she smiled as she slowly shifted her leg — _what the f u c k_ —, calling out to her friend behind me, not caring that she had interrupted their conversation. "Where's your hand, _ma moitié?"_

Sumie exhaled loudly as she replied, "Here. Flirting with me won't let you off the hook."

"What hook? I didn't do anything," then Mirélle looked at me again, and I wondered why she needed to hold on to Sumie. "You're very interestingly dressed, _t'sais."_

"Huh?" I questioned, focusing on her features as I recalled the first night we met and she said something similar. "What makes you say that?"

"I mean..." she eyed my clothing. "Bright green shirt, hot pink pants," she leaned to the right, to look at my shoes. Her hair swayed and the opening to her button-down curved outwards; my eyes led themselves.

_Yellow._

"Your shoes are _orange,"_ her smile was wide when she was back. "It's not really a common choice for adults to wear such eye-catching things. Unless you're an idol. You're so colorful, Hide."

Her tone was sincere and fond, so she must've meant it in a good way.

"I don't want to dress boringly," I shook my head, smiling. "There's more than just black, gray, and brown out there! Better make use of the whole color spectrum, ya know."

"It's no wonder you'd stand out,"

Taking my hand to her waist caused her back to arch slightly, and she laughed quietly. Sumie had abruptly cursed out loud from behind us, calling out to Mirélle.

"Sorry, Sumichan! _Putain_ , Hide, at least warn me."

"How was I supposed to know that you were ticklish there?" I returned her amused expression, placing my other arm over her surprisingly soft tummy. "I wasn't expecting you to be ticklish at all."

"Why's that?"

"You're really fit, so I thought that all your nerve-ends were numb to slight touches," I grinned, gently pressing into the tenderness of her midriff. She flinched before grabbing for my hand. "How are you so fit? Seriously."

"I work out a lot," she said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Being fit doesn't automatically dull your senses. _Con."_

"What are you fit for?"

"Just to stay fit, obviously..."

The thought made me realize how much squishier I was, especially compared to her - _especially compared to Jin_. Sumie wasn't wrong, after all. I was a noodle. "What do you do?"

"A _lot!_ Martial arts is a _must_ and just some basic training, every other day if not every day. Push-ups, pull-ups, boxing, punching bags, running..."

" _Fun_ ," I sighed.

"It _is_ fun," she frowned. "Once you get into it, it's tough backing out."

"Sounds like a cult."

She laughed. "It...kind of is, in a way."

"How long have you been training for?"

"Early teens, I believe."

"Well," I exaggerated a stretch and a yawn. "I've been running and biking since I was born, so...not to brag, but..."

She playfully grabbed my gut and in return, I squeezed hers. Laughing loudly, she hit my arm. The mood from the café had returned and I was glad — instincts aside.

It could have been my imagination, but it sounded as though Jin said "Finally".

"What's the strangest thing that happened to you on campus?" she asked, leaning forward. Her eyes kept darting around my features as if she were studying me; my eyes, my brows, and my nose. It was worse when she looked at my lips; I unconsciously stared back, thinking of her taste.

_It must be delicious..._

"It was a while ago," I started. "There's a group called the ORC—the Occult Research Club—that once investigated Ghouls on campus, or, more like the students that they suspected to be Ghouls."

"Oh..." she was chewing the insides of her lips. "How did you come to know about them?"

I ran my fingers through my hair, recalling how I had felt back then. "These two students came up to me and told me that they suspected my best friend of being a Ghoul..."

She gasped lightly. "Why? What made them come to such a conclusion?"

"That he hasn't been seen eating on campus."

"Ridiculous," she tutted. "If those were the only conditions, then even _I_ would be on that list."

"Exactly," I nodded. "I ended up investigating with them, mostly to get my friend in the clear. The ORC went all out with it; I don't know if they do so with their other themes too, but for the Ghoul theme, they really went nuts."

"What happened to your friend?"

"Ah, nothing. Once they saw snacks in his backpack, they probably took his name off their 'Ghouls in Campus' list. A lot more happened, surely, but that's the gist of the strangest things that ever happened to me."

"Did you look at the list?" it was Jin who asked, glancing at me from the rearview mirror. I was startled for a brief second as Mirélle turned to look at him. "I've seen a few of the ORC, but I never really checked them out or understood what was going on. I _especially_ didn't hear about their Ghoul expedition." He chuckled.

"I saw the list," I admitted. "But the names were all over each other! All scribbled in and overlapping. Maybe I saw Harada Jin somewhere in there..."

He let out a laugh. "Maybe."

And I didn't know if he was joking or not.

I told Mirélle that I needed a minute before getting out of the Jeep. When she glanced back at me over her shoulder, she gave me a smirk.

It was as though everyone had suddenly come alive once we arrived: Mirélle jumped off, singing to the last song that played on the radio. She was louder and out of tune, but she was still enjoying herself. Norio stretched and even cracked a joke, while Domoto and Esashi held each other by the waist, speaking amongst themselves. Sumie caught up with Mirélle and sang along with her. She even gave a weak beatbox.

_What a great night._

The area that we had parked in consisted of concrete stairs that led to a sandy beach; it was too close to the streets and the sand didn't look as deep, therefore no one really considered the place to be an actual, functioning beach. Kaneki and I had sometimes walked by, and I'd suggest a quick dip in the waters, but he had complained of how dirty it was and how it wasn't actually a place citizens could actually swim in.

_"You could get a disease or something..." He had said._

_"Come on, man! Live a little!"_

_"Swimming in there would be suicide. That's not living, Hide."_

There were also trees and bushes just across the pavement from the parking lot. It was like a beach-park, except, not really a beach and not really a park.

"Let's warm ourselves up," Jin's voice contained a tease. He pulled out a bottle of alcohol from somewhere in the front of his Jeep, along with a column of plastic cups. "It's cold out there."

Mirélle cheered, still jumping without her shoes on and grabbing for a cigarette at the same time Jin had lit one up. Norio was carrying a large mat under his arm as he followed the couple onto the flat surface of the sand.

"Nagachika, are you having a good time?" Jin asked me once I stepped out of the Jeep. I took the bottle from him as he locked the car. "I really hope that none of this is too much for you."

"Man, what are you on about?" I raised a brow, watching Norio place the mat on the sand. "Spontaneous is fun! Besides...it's been a while since I did anything fun with some friends. Mirélle and Sumie are pretty chill, too."

"What do you think of her?" he asked discreetly, inching closer to me and slowing his pace. "Mirélle?"

"I think it's pretty clear what I think of her," I had all but snorted at the question. "But now, all I gotta do is wait!"

Jin hummed quietly, removing the cigarette from his lips. "Think you can do that?"

I shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be able to?"

 _There was 'meeting someone and thinking that they were something', and 'meeting someone and seeing that they_ are _something'._

 _On top of that...I had been whining to Kaneki about wanting a girlfriend for_ years.

"Don't know," he shrugged as well. "It would be easier to find someone... _easier."_

"Now, where's the fun in that?" Clapping my hands together, I half-bowed to him. "I'm not too sure she's as into me, so...Jin, put in a good word for me, all right?"

He laughed, pushing his sunglasses up his nose. "She wouldn't have approached you if she wasn't into you, Nagachika-kun."

"That was _before_ tonight...things could change."

"Don't worry," he patted me on the back. "You're a good kid, most of the time."

"I'm only a year younger than you!"

He 'awwed' and pinched my cheek, allowing me to swat his hand away.

Mirélle had already taken two shots in the short time we had been sitting there. Norio took a shot as well, while Sumie drank slowly, along with Esashi and Domoto. I stared at my drink, taking sips from time to time. But Mirélle had already downed her third shot before she decided to have a _proper_ glass.

"Isn't underage drinking illegal?" Norio commented with a scoff.

"I'm not underage!" I shouted.

She was a lot touchier when she was tipsy — or drunk; I couldn't tell. She claimed to only be tipsy. In front of me on the right, the couple was still talking to one another and _only_ one another, sneaking in kisses from time to time. Right across from me, however, Norio was glaring, watching Mirélle and I closely as he drank and drank.

_It's been a night and I'm already not surprised._

"Be careful. Ghouls might come out at us..." Miri teased.

"Oh yeah, sure. And Zombies, too." Sumie parried.

When she pushed me down to the floor, Jin and Sumie immediately pulled her off of me. When she wrapped her legs around me, they had interfered once more.

"Here's tipsy Mirélle," Jin sneered. "It's like being around sober Mirélle, except amplified by fifty."

" _N'importe quoi,"_ she huffed, playing music on her phone and getting up.

The next few minutes consisted of Miri, Sumie, Domoto, and Esashi dancing to the beat of the songs. Even though they were mostly jumping, I could tell that Mirélle and Sumie were good dancers. When they made a move or two, there was a certain grace to it. Especially the girl I had a crush on.

And while drunk, she was suddenly fluent in the languages of the string of songs that played; be it Chinese, English, Russian, Korean, even a little bit of Hebrew.

"Can she actually speak those languages?" I asked Jin.

"Nah, she just listened to the songs enough to memorize them," he snickered, suddenly nudging me by the shoulder. "Palm reading was nothing compared to this, huh?"

I wondered, for a moment, if Jin were doing all of this on purpose: if he wanted something between us to happen, so he put us in strange situations such as the car ride, and then the drinking. _But_ especially _the car ride._

" _Absolutely,"_ I widened my eyes, nodding wildly. "Was it just me, or was it getting really hot?"

Jin laughed again while Norio growled. If I weren't mistaken, he was breathing heavily as the moon reflected his tearful, blue eyes. "Shut the fuck up. You're just like every asshole that's out there to get with her, aren't you?"

"Come on, Norio. Nagachika's genuinely interested in her."

"I can't believe you'd side with him, Jin. After everything..."

"I'm not 'siding' with anyone. I want her to be happy with someone."

"Even if it means it's not the best option for her?" Norio's voice was breaking, but he still finished his drink. No one kept count of how many cups he had consumed. "You're still risking her feelings with someone you barely know when _I'm_ the best option for her."

Exhaling heavily, I shook my head. "It's not a hit-and-run for me,"

But he wouldn't hear it. "I don't care. You don't even know her. You don't know anything about her. You're just here because you want something...I saw it in your eyes. When she sat on you...in the Jeep..." he clenched his fist and before I knew it, he had already punched Jin. "Why would you let that happen?!"

"Woah! Hey! Dude, relax!" I sat up to hold Norio back, but he already planned to attack. As he dove towards me, Jin kicked him in the legs to have him fall forward on the mat instead. Norio stayed face down for a bit, sobbing.

"Come on," Jin grunted, placing Norio's arm around his shoulder. "You've had a bit much..."

"I'm _fine,"_ Norio hissed, pushing Jin away from him. "I'm fine."

When I glanced to where the rest were, only Domoto stared back at me. The girls were huddled together in a circle, still dancing to the music.

Norio returned to his place, wiping his face and pushing his blonde hair back. "I'm the best option..."

Jin gently rubbed the area where Norio had punched him. "It's a lost cause," he said to me, keeping his voice low as he adjusted his glasses. "He knows she won't feel the same way, but he's desperate."

I shook my head. "I wouldn't have come between them if I knew something was going on,"

"Don't worry about it," he flinched slightly, adjusting his jaw. "She's as free as a bird."


	8. ⦋ Bliss ⦌

— _**2018**_

_**[ explicit content** 2/5 **]**_

_**word count**_ — _2950_

♪

It was silent once the moment passed; silent, except for the playing music that entertained the girls along with Domoto, who went back to them once Jin gave him a thumbs up on the Norio situation.

"Does she usually drink like that?" I questioned, watching Mirélle dance.

"No, just on some weekends." Jin was watching them with me. "She works really hard all week and the weekend is the one time she feels that she can actually...breathe. But the drinking really depends on her mood."

"Hm..." I took another cup. "Why aren't you drinking, Jin?"

"Designated driver," he smiled at me.

Once they returned, she was close and touchy again, hugging me from the back as she panted and turned off the music. It took another drink for me to get back into the mood she had brought with her. She relaxed by my side, taking yet another drink.

"Don't you think that's enough?" I lowered the cup from her lips. She pouted and it made me crumble.

" _Je pense,"_ she sat nearer to me, gazing at me a certain way before going back to her shenanigans as the group had a conversation. I was listening in from a distance when Domoto was talking to Norio.

Her fingers were in my hair, making me feel all kinds of high, and then she was abruptly poking at my cheeks. When she laughed, it was mostly because she was manipulating my face to pull an expression she probably hadn't seen before.

"Sumie thinks you're cute," Mirélle breathed from my left, squeezing my lips that were beginning to numb out. "But I also think you're cute."

"I _never_ said he was cute," Sumie was more aggressive when she drank. She sat on my right, frowning, mostly "That was _all you_."

"Whatever," Mirélle sighed, caressing the side of my face with the tip of her finger. "He's cute. He's cute. Either way, he's going to be cute."

With a laugh, I leaned close to her, feeling her breath on my lips.

_Ah...first kiss?_

"Cute enough to go out with me?" I repeated, almost feeling myself kiss her if it weren't for Jin pulling her away with a grunt.

"I don't know," she giggled fleetingly, her features returning to neutral as she eyed me from the floor. "I'm just scared of getting my heart broken again. I don't want only sex anymore."

What she said made my heart pound. I blinked, at a loss for words. "Uh..."

"Mirélle," Jin demanded her attention in a voice so stern, that he even caught mine. She gazed at him before rolling over to his side. The man joined her, propping himself up on his elbow to look directly at her. From where I was sitting, I could only see their bottom halves and couldn't hear what he was telling her, or what she was saying to him.

But it was difficult _not_ to notice him putting an arm around her waist. The gesture made me wonder if there was anything between them: first Norio, and now Jin, too?

Even mentioning the fact that Domoto stared at Sumie and Mirélle wasn't worth it.

_What a complicated group..._

"Jealous?" Sumie tilted to my side, speaking to me in hushed tones as she left Esashi somewhere in the middle.

"A little," I admitted, urging a smile to my face as the dizziness simmered down a bit. Trying not to make it obvious, I glanced at her briefly and then at Norio, who still often looked at me with a grimace. "Kind of wishing that was me..."

Sumie scoffed. "You, and a ton of others."

And I stared at Mirélle's legs, watching the way she moved when she laughed. At one point, Jin took off his glasses as he looked at her. My mind went off on a trip again on how close and intimate they must've been for him to be able to do that.

But I looked away when he put his hands on her knees, seeing that he was stroking her legs through my peripheral vision. Turning my back to them, I forced a grin at Sumie.

"Don't _worry,_ " it was Esashi that spoke.

"Or, worry a lot." Sumie snickered.

"No," Esashi continued, shaking her head. "Sure, they're close...but nothing between them."

"I'm just a bit dizzy," I scratched my head, rubbing my eyes. "It's been a while since I drank anything!"

My ears burned at the sound of Mirélle mentioning the CCG out loud. Returning to my original position, I watched her again, noticing him put on his sunglasses once more.

Not before long, Mirélle released a heavy sigh and stood up dizzily. Jin accompanied her as she strode to the shore and, abruptly, she dropped to her knees.

"Sumichan!" Jin called out, and the brunette beside me stood and ran to crouch beside Mirélle.

I got ready to join the trio as well, but Esashi stopped me.

"Just wait here," she said quietly. "There's a reason she's crying away from us."

"Crying?" Mirélle's body language gave it away; some part of me must have known.

"It usually happens when she's beginning to sober up," Esashi explained. She was more talkative when she drank. "It's like all the shit suddenly comes back to her. It's bad..."

I could only see their silhouettes from how far we were sitting, but Mirélle crouched to the floor as the two beside her rubbed her back, and probably tried to cheer her up.

When they returned with Jin's arm around her shoulder and Sumie's around her waist, Mirélle broke the connections and sat down beside me with a puff, not wasting another second to place her head on my shoulder and hold my arm. 

"Hey," I half-whispered as I glanced at her. "Are you all right?"

She hummed. "I'll be fine. Please, talk more."

I began with my favorite band and some of their lyrics. Sumie returned to her position on my right, taking a hold of her phone and playing gentle music in a low volume.

"Looks like there's some movement over there," Jin muttered grimly. "I'll be back."

"More active at night, huh..."

"What?" Sumie's voice startled me.

"Ah, nothing! I must have been thinking out loud again." Mirélle stirred and it caused me to put an arm around her shoulder, lightly rubbing her. "I wonder what movement he saw."

The girl on my shoulder moaned and before I knew it, she brought her head down to my thigh, groaning slightly as she adjusted herself to face me. "It's not as good as the view from here." Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled familiarly when she looked at me, every subtle movement she made awakened my insides.

"Or here," I returned her reflective expression, gently playing with her dry, sandy hair. She shut her eyes as I told her some stories of Kaneki and me. She made a few comments and giggled now and again.

"I'd like to meet him someday," she said under her breath. "This...Kaneki Ken."

" _No,"_ I hissed playfully. "You two would get along too well! In the end, it's _him_ you'll go out with..."

" _Tais-toi._ I don't get along with everyone. Besides, you're already in my sights, _con."_

I bit my lip when I grinned.

Jin was back soon, and it was time to leave. Mirélle stood by my bike as I sat on it, a hand on her necklace and one playing with a lock of her long hair. After cleaning up where we were sitting, everyone else went into the Jeep as they waited for her. Except for Jin, who, once again, had waltzed around the area for some time.

"I won't be sitting on your lap," she pouted adorably, allowing her fingers to intertwine.

"No," I chuckled. "You'll be more comfortable on the normal chairs! They'll be comfortable, too." A wave of emotion hit me as I scratched my head. "I've been a real inconvenience for everyone tonight..."

" _Quoi?_ No, not at all, Hide! If it was too much trouble, Jin wouldn't have done all that...he wouldn't have insisted on you riding with us in the car."

"Still," I brought my cheeks up in a smile. "They really must have been uncomfortable at the back. And Norio..."

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes. "It's one night. They'll live."

"Right!"

It fell silent for a moment before we both spoke at the same time, and followed it up with short laughter.

"Text me as soon as you reach home, all right?"

"Same goes for you, _mon chou_." She bowed her head and walked towards the Jeep.

_That's that, then._

A sigh escaped me as I turned the wheel to my bike, but the sound of her rushing footsteps caught my attention. "Hm?"

"Ah, _pardon_ ," she mumbled, leaning forward with a hand on my arm and giving me a kiss on both cheeks. None of that _la-bise_ thing. Just kisses.

I was magnetically attached to her as she pulled back, biting her lip and playing with her necklace. The innocence that gleamed through her gaze made it feel like I was back in grade school, courting my crush as she sent me mixed signals that even _she_ wasn't sure of.

"It was nice being with you tonight. Thank you for staying with us."

"I'm glad I decided to stay, too! I didn't expect to have as much fun as I did."

"Come out with us more often, then."

"I think I will. Oh...don't forget that paper, Uchiyama."

"Of course, Nagakchika."

"Can I kiss you?"

Her eyes widened briefly. "Huh?"

"I asked if I could kiss you." My grip on the handles of my bike tightened. "I'm...curious..."

She covered up her face and turned away, allowing her laughter to carve into my hollow chest. " _Putain,_ Hideyoshi. You're drunk."

"And _you_ must be tipsy," I commented, indeed feeling out of my right mind.

"Well..."

Her words mentally made a comeback. "Wait, I'm not drunk!"

"Woah," Jin walked up from beside us. "What's going on here? Nagachika...why is your bike out? Where's everyone?"

_Ah...did he want to drive me home, too?_

"They're inside, _mec,"_ Miri replied, glancing at me even though she was talking to Jin. It felt like a dream. "We were just waiting for you."

"No, no; why is Nagachika's bike outside?" he appeared mad as he stomped towards the Jeep, opening its door and yelling inside. "Everyone in the back - out, _now."_

His commands were met with several loud complaints and groans from the three that sat in the vehicle; Sumie the most. She even began cursing - in French.

"Jin," I muttered, getting off my bike and standing beside Miri as I tried to reason with him. "It's fine, really! You brought me here, might as well get _myself_ home, ya know!"

"No, man," his voice was strict. "You came with us, so you go back with us. Unless you've come with your own car, then I'm taking you back. How can you even bike after drinking?"

An action so humane and selfless made me feel so small; I _couldn't_ deny or change his mind and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to anymore. Questioning his general motives still played a role, but I knew to show more appreciation.

_Jin really cares about me._

Without saying another word, I walked my bike towards him; he quickly removed the first wheel, and, just like earlier, my bike was taking up space in the back of his Jeep.

"Jin..."

He waved off the tone of my voice. "C'mon, same seating arrangement, if that's all right."

"Definitely." When I turned to Miri, she was talking with a heated Sumie. It was then that I had seen some sort of resemblance between her and Norio.

Mirélle's eyes caught mine and suddenly, it was as though all her attention shifted towards me. I felt bad for Sumie, but I couldn't help but smile and before I knew it, I was walking towards her. Sumie walked past me, not without shoving my shoulder with hers as if we were in high school.

_It was funny because she was a lot shorter than me._

"Looks like I'm sitting on your lap after all." Mirélle grinned.

"Looks like it." The thought made me blush, however, a part of me feared what might happen. She was tipsy—if not drunk—and was already incredibly forward when we were chilling _beside_ each other; how would she act _sitting_ on me?

"Right, everyone in," Jin cleared his throat and pointed a finger to Mirélle when we approached him. "You," she laughed, which caused him to lose composure and chuckle along with her. After shaking his head and rubbing his temples, he cleared his throat and pointed at her again. " _Yah, you._ Watch yourself, you hear?"

Even though he was intimidatingly stern despite being swayed by her giggle, Mirélle playfully gave him a salute. "Yes, captain."

"Sumie," he nodded towards her as she lifted herself into the trunk. It didn't seem like she wanted to be there, judging by the way she rolled her eyes. He then turned to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Are you sober?"

With a shrug, I blinked up at him. "More or less."

He scoffed a "Great," then headed towards the driver's seat.

The ride home wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; still, she was close and tipsy, and wouldn't stop staring at me.

"Jin, can you please play that song - the one that starts with the car door?" she didn't even turn when she asked him; the scent of smoke and alcohol lingered between us.

But he obliged, and the song that sounded an awful lot like a love song played.

Her left arm reached for Sumie at the back again but this time, it was because Sumie demanded that she did so; her other hand lingered at the base of my neck and rubbed me lightly.

_She can probably feel my heartbeat._

The second time around, she didn't bother to adjust her position and sat _right_ on top of _me;_ at that point, I didn't care if she felt me get exceptionally hard.

"Is there something on my face?" I asked quietly, hoping that my breath didn't reek of alcohol or weariness.

Smiling, she shook her head. "No. You're so cute, so I can't look away."

"...Neither can I," I admitted, adding a frown. "Don't call me cute."

"What, then?" she looked dreamy.

"I don't know...but it sounds childish. I should be handsome."

"Hmm..." her smile turned sly. "You're handsome." And after guiding my hands around her soft waist, she used her free hand to touch my face again, the way she did on the sand. I unconsciously raised mine up to her shoulders and pulled her closer, waiting for an opening - for just a second, where I can kiss her.

But she began touching and squeezing my mouth; playfully at first, then her expression shifted to something along the lines of curiosity. She licked and bit her own lips, and I wished I knew what she was thinking.

I couldn't stop looking at her as my heart was beating straight out of my chest. Through my peripherals, I spotted Sumie leaning into my vision from the left, but my gaze was stuck on Miri, as was hers on me.

"What are you doing?" Sumie asked, to which Mirélle quietly replied with, "Nothing."

Sumie didn't leave, but we were both too tipsy to care - more her than me.

All we did was stare at each other, and I never knew I could be so relaxed with someone in the silence. The moonlight shone against her lashes, following them every time she blinked and painting her features so beautifully in pale blue; she was almost glowing.

_I like looking at pretty girls...but this was something else._

"Nagachika, is this the right place?" Jin questioned as he pulled up into parking. Blinking out of my trance, I glanced out the other window to see my building.

"Yep," a sadness brought my eyes back to the girl in front of me. "I gotta go."

She pouted, and I formed a fist.

_I was so absorbed by the idea of kissing her that I never actually forced myself to do it._

"I'll see you soon." I smiled at her. "Don't forget to text me."

"I won't," the sadness within me had reflected in her hazel eyes, almost glazed over by fatigue and intoxication. "Don't leave me hanging...all right?"

My brows furrowed. "Of course not."

"I'll help you with that," Jin mumbled as he got out of the Jeep, and once he was out, so was everyone else. He opened my door and all but dragged Mirélle out from over me, placing her in the driver's seat before helping Domoto with my bike. She never once took her eyes off me, and I only looked back.

"Thanks...and sorry," I muttered, pulling my shirt low as I grabbed the front wheel and assembled it back on the bike. "It won't happen again."

"Nagachika," Jin put a hand on my shoulder once again. "You're _asking_ me to hit you right now. It was really no trouble and I was glad that you came along. Don't be like that, you hear? We're friends, man."

_Jin's...really amazing._

Nodding, I held my bike and began walking it towards my building. "I can't thank you enough!" I called out to him.

"See you at uni!" he waved back.

If there were anything close to magic on the Earth that we live in, it was _that_ feeling, the one that had wrapped itself tightly around me that night.

Not just Ghouls.  
  
  


I received a text while I was in the shower before heading to bed, and the notification had me grinning.

Mirélle couldn't sleep, so we texted back and forth until the sun came up.

**𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚜𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚙 𝚗𝚘𝚠..𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝙸 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚛...

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚊𝚑! 𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞: 𝚠𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍!

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
**...𝚒 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝...𝚒 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚜𝚘...𝚒 𝚠𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗𝚝 𝚍𝚘 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚞𝚖𝚋.

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚗𝚘, 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢! 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚎𝚔𝚜!

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚔𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎..

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚄𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚢𝚊𝚖𝚊

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚒 𝚍𝚘 𝚊𝚗𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚞𝚖𝚋? 𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐...

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝! 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗𝚝. 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚜𝚔 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚠𝚠 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚠

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
**..𝚗𝚘 𝚠𝚊𝚢.. **  
**

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:  
** 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚎 𝚠𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚠𝚠𝚠

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚗𝚘 𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎𝚜..𝚗𝚘 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚘𝚏. 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 **  
**

Once she said texted me a 'goodnight', I turned my phone off and slept like a log. 

_Thank goodness it's the weekend._


	9. ⦋ Secrets ⦌

_**—** edited and rewritten **2018**_

_**word count**_ — _3681_

♪ _  
_

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚞𝚙 𝚢𝚎𝚝?

Getting ready only took a few minutes. I received a text from someone I knew that worked at the CCG. Sometime during the past few weeks, I had told him to keep an eye out for any sort of openings for me: if there was _anything_ I could do or any program I could join.

_There must be something I can do..._

The recollection of Mirélle mentioning it to Jin last night flashed in my head. With a sigh, I rubbed my face and checked my phone at the sound of a _ding._

**𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:**  
𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚑 ! 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚞𝚙 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝟾...𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚛𝚎𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚕? 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝?

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚒 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛. 𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚌𝚘𝚘𝚕! 𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒'𝚕𝚕 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐! 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚜, 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜

Driving around the 20th Ward on my bike was a routine for me. If I hadn't slept in, I would've been at it hours ago.

With my hat and backpack on, I stopped at every location that had filled up bulletin boards and walls covered in flyers and ads.

_These posters of Kaneki going missing aren't going to hang themselves up._

As I rode by place to place, it was hard to ignore the loud TVs and billboards of the news: there was a new Ghoul group that had been causing issues for the Ward and the CCG. It wasn't explained how big or how active the group was recently, but there were a few reports on two rotting bodies found last week, in some sort of abandoned building somewhere near the edge of the Ward. A couple of people reported that the bodies were killed a few days, if not an entire week, before being discovered.

A body of another deceased civilian was _not_ found. There were speculations about Ghouls having found the body and possessing it, but there was no way of knowing if that were true or not, unless they somehow found the corpse.

Continuing to listen to the news, it was revealed that there were, in fact, a small number of missing bodies that stirred the Police's and the CCG's curiosity. Most of those missing bodies consisted of criminals that were released either years ago or recently; some were also criminals that weren't caught by the police.

"A curfew may be effective immediately once again,"said the reporter. "However, corresponding regulations will be confirmed exclusively by the Higher Ups from the Ghoul Countermeasures Bureau, therefore, no such rule has been strictly proclaimed."

I rolled my eyes.

 _As if the Aogiri curfew hadn't_ just _finished..._

"It is reported that these Ghouls are clad in green cloaks and wear holeless masks of two set colors: black and orange. More on with..."

"Excuse me, you're blocking half the pavement," the TV store clerk shooed me and my bike away.

"Sorry!" I half-bowed and paddled off to the CCG, placing posters on the board outside the building as well as asking a few people within if they had known anything of this student's whereabouts. "Please keep this poster with you for future reference! My contact information is written on the back." I told the receptionists.

_News of the 11th Ward again..._

With a smile, she rolled it up and placed it under her desk. As I was leaving the building, however,

"Ah, Uchiyama-san!"

I glanced over my shoulder.

Mirélle was holding a bouquet of flowers, wearing a black dress.

♪

When the weekend was over and I had gotten back to university, I was surprised to find talk going around about... _me?_

As ridiculous as it was, two upperclassmen were questioning me about hanging out with Jin and his friends, and I was in a complete daze at the thought of why they'd be talking to _me_ instead of _him_ since they were in his grade. 

_He_ is _kind of intimidating._

_And why now, of all times? It's not like it's the first time Jin and I hung out outside campus..._

Having lunch with a few friends and minding my own business on the benches outside my building, the two had invited themselves to sit down with us. Behind them were a group of other students, probably thirsty for the answers they thought I was going to give them.

"Really?" I questioned loudly as I sipped my juice, still unsure of how I was supposed to act in the situation. "Where did you guys even see us?"

"At that café." The first upperclassman that sat down, Chuja Kinji, almost rolled his eyes. "C'mon Nagachika, you know that a lot from campus go there, specifically Harada and Fujisaki,"

I sighed. "OK. What about it? And why aren't you asking Jin?"

"As _if,"_ Chuja huffed. "You think he'd say anything about the girls he goes out with?"

"There were girls there?! Nagachika!" my friend, Juro, shouted, but I tuned him out.

"Exactly," agreed Asai. "The _only_ girl he actually hangs out with from Kamii is Esashi, and that's only because she's Domoto's girl."

"So, what?" my eyelids lowered the more unamused I was becoming. "You expect me to _give_ you something? I'm neither of you guys' wingman,"

"We'll pay you! Set us up with one of them. The one with the short hair... _so cute."_

"If Kinji's going for the girl with the short hair, then I'm clearly up for the one with the long hair," Asai trembled, glancing at his friend. "Did you see her? What chocolate goodness..."

"Chocolate?" I wondered, taking the last bite of my food and getting up. "I heard she's taken, so."

"Oh, you're done already?" my other friend, Susumu, mumbled.

Asai groaned. "What are their names?"

They weren't completely getting on my nerves, but I was beginning to feel annoyed. "Jeez, look up students at Takayū University!"

"Are you kidding me? It would take us forever...!"

"Too bad, then!"

They called out to me even as I headed back into my building, leaving my friends behind.

"Are you _really_ going to say that?! We're older than you! Show some respect!"

"Go ask Harada Jin! I'm busy!"

Before I could reach my bike once university was over, the duo confronted me once again, alone. More aggressively the second time. It appeared as though Chuja wanted to beat me up.

_Just for information on a few cute girls?_

_Then again..._

"Hey, guys! Just relax a bit..."

"You're forgetting your position, Nagachika."

"Aw Chuja, I was messing with you! This ain't high school, so it's easier getting girls in college!"

"Not when they're from a completely different one!"

Asai hummed. "What are their names?"

"The only single girl there was the one with the short hair, honest..."

"Dammit!" Asai yelled, to which Chuja shrugged.

"Better luck next time, Mitsuyo." He then glared at me. "Name?"

_Why's this happening to me right now..._

"Really, I forgot their names...I didn't spend much time with them."

"What kind of idiot do you take us for?" Chuja growled. _You truly don't want to know._ "You were sitting across these girls! That's bullshit!"

"All right!" I exhaled heavily, feeling cornered. "A-Amachi Suzuko, going into the second year, like me."

Asai was abruptly in front of me. "And the brown girl?"

"She's not really..."

"Name!"

"She's not single though," I scratched my face. "As I said, it's just the girl with the short hair that's single!"

Chuja clenched his fists. "Still. Just give him the name,"

As I stared at Asai, a sickening feeling bubbled up inside me. "Shinohara Megumi."

_Shinohara...must've been someone I've seen on TV._

He sighed like he was relieved. "Ah, so fitting..."

"Thanks," Chuja grunted as he turned away. "We'll get back with you on any updates."

Heading to my bike, I muttered, "I don't really care," before texting Jin.

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐..

 **𝙹𝚒𝚗-𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚙𝚊𝚒:**  
𝘕𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘬𝘢...𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘧 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵

I never really texted Jin much about anything other than Festival topics or hangouts. That was a first.

When I got home, I stared at the assignments that had piled up on my desk, along with the newspaper clippings of Ghoul news. Even though the sight made me cringe, there were a few subjects that I was actually looking forward to completing: British and French History.

_Maybe Mirélle could help with the latter, and we'd have a nice day together._

Every time I turned on the news, it was almost always the same thing: Ghoul attack, a few deceased, Ghouls captured by the CCG. By the speed the Ghouls were going in, sooner or later, the humans in the Ward will be wiped out...

♪

**𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚑𝚎𝚢. 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚎

It was Wednesday when Mirélle texted me, an hour before sunset.

**𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚞𝚙?

I was on the way home when the message came; it couldn't have been better timing.

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚘𝚏 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎! 𝚕𝚎𝚝'𝚜 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎  
[𝚕𝚘𝚌𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗]

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝. 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝟹𝟶 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚞𝚝𝚎𝚜. 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚗!! 𝚠𝚔𝚝𝚔

 **𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎 ~

The feeling of needing the bathroom once again had my insides in a tizzy, and clenching my fists repeatedly didn't exactly help in any way.

She came in from the left, hair up in a big ponytail, and a tiny red scarf around her neck. Even though this was only the third time I was seeing her since the weekend, I took notice of the fact that she was wearing long pants. It went up and over her hips, accentuating the curve of her waist that led up to a striped shirt.

_Hmm...looks good._

No heels either, just white sneakers and the same bag she hung around her shoulder back then. She appeared...relaxed, in a way. And pretty soon, I was grinning from ear to ear.

"Ah, you're a sight for sore eyes," she returned the smile, sighing heavily as she stood close to me. "With your yellow shirt and your red...orange? Pants. Green shoes? All you're missing is something blue and violet."

"Jeez Uchiyama, just bow like normal people. Living in _Japan_."

" _Chut!_ I already know that!"

"You were completely going to _la-bise_ me!"

"...It was an honest mistake," she put her hands up. "But in the end, I didn't do it."

With a snicker, I looked her over. "Thanks for admiring my wardrobe choices; you look...beautiful, too. You look more French. _La-bise?"_

She laughed as well, holding a hand over her mouth as she glanced at her feet. "Oh, _now_ you want me to do it? Is it the hair? The scarf?"

"Definitely the scarf, but still," I kissed my fingertips. " _T_ _rès bien_ _!"_

For some reason, she squealed excitedly and grinned widely, but almost immediately covered her face. My eyes expanded in confusion, but I couldn't stop myself from smiling either. " _Je crois que je t'aime,_ Hideyoshi."

"I'll learn more French and get back to you on that!"

Before exhaling, she shook her head and reached for the scarf. As she did so, her shirt lifted and I saw a strange mark near the bend of her hip, almost stretching up to her ribs. Absentmindedly, I pulled at her shirt. "What's that?"

"Oi," she pushed my hands away, frowning. " _C'est quoi ce bordel?"_

"Sorry, um..." I pointed to the smear."Sorry, I didn't mean to do something that would offend you."

She eyed me dubiously before pressing her lips together and shaking her head. "No, no, it's OK. I was surprised," slowly, she rose a little bit of her shirt and lowered the rim of her navy pants. "It's just a scar. I got it when I was younger."

I wanted to touch it, but I didn't; no matter how long ago it was, it was still prominent. The sight of it worried me slightly. "How did you get it?"

Her hand reached for the back of her neck. "A dog bit me. But more like _chewed_ on me."

"Dog bite? What the heck kind of dog would do _that?"_

"I don't know," she shrugged, holding up a smile. "I was really young and there was this bigass dog that belonged to my next-door neighbor. It came at me, I had _no_ idea what to do, so I just sat there and cried." Her laugh was feeble and almost appeared forced.

"Hmm..."

Sighing, she folded her scarf and put it into her bag. "So, where are you taking me, _mon chou?"_

"Oh, two hours to spare, right?"

She nodded.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"I don't mind it, but I was really hoping we'd go eat. I'm so hungry...and I forgot to eat breakfast. By the time I realized that I didn't eat breakfast, it was already too late."

"Ah!" I pointed a finger to the air as excitement built up inside me. "OK! I know this _great_ place! Kaneki and I used to go there to eat together."

"All right," as I stepped forward, she held my hand tightly.

"Hey," she muttered. "I'm sorry."

It felt like someone had tased me. "What! What are you on about?"

Biting her lip, she avoided my eyes. "I..."

"Aw," I held on to both of her wrists, feeling my insides tighten. "You're so cute! I just wanna kiss you all over!"

"O-oi," she wanted to cover up her face again, but I only pulled her closer to me. It was the first time I saw the color in her cheeks, even though she was turning to look the other way. " _Putain,_ you're so open about that..."

I traced my fingers to her palms. "What can I say? I'm an honest man!"

_Big Girl,_ the 'Promised Land' of Kaneki and me: good food and hot girls.

At first, I all but ridiculed Kaneki for wanting to bring Rize to such a place, however, looking back at it, I recalled wanting to bring my own date to Big Girl as well. It was a conversation he and I had long ago, and we seemed to have switched roles from time to time.

"The Pasta please," Mirélle ordered after me. "Extra meat and sauce, if that's all right."

Sighing, I placed my elbow on the table and propped my head on my hand, staring at her.

"What?"

"You are really perfect."

She covered her face as she laughed, but then let out a groan. "Don't say things like that so often."

"Your hair looks nice when it's up, too,"

" _Thanks,"_ she all but growled, cheeks still behind her hands. When the waitresses passed by our table, her eyes followed them. "There are so many cute girls here..."

"Yeah. Jealous?"

She said nothing as she simply stared me down before looking away, pressing her lips together. As I focused on her, I realized that it was probably the first time _ever_ that I didn't gawk at the waitresses. I was so used to it: watching their hips sway when they walked by my table, fantasizing things every time they bent over and their skirts fluttered...

I shook my head when the thought hit me. "You'd look great in that uniform!"

" _Hein?"_ her response made it sound like I had said something ridiculous, but I was dead serious.

"Rent one! Or, you know what? Maybe start working here yourself," Mirélle's thighs weren't as big as a few of the other waitresses, and neither was her chest, but she would've blended in perfectly with the staff. She was beautiful and sexy after all, and would really _wear_ that outfit. "You, in that uniform..." I let out a whistle.

_Irresistible._

Mirélle took in a sharp inhale, placing a hand on her chest. " _Merde_...is that your fetish?"

My entire head abruptly heated up. "Huh?"

"Absolute territory?"

"Honestly!" I scratched the back of my head, feeling utterly embarrassed. "Everyone has that fetish! There is absolutely no man out there that can resist it, all right!"

She laughed loudly. "Relax! I just didn't take you for that kind of man, that's all."

" _Everyone_ likes it," I huffed, avoiding her gaze. "You can't change my mind!"

"Right," her tone was still teasing. "I'll see about that. Oh, what about you? How was your day? What have you been doing?"

"Good! My British History prof's still rocking the poodle hair,"

Her laugh brought me out of my half-reverie. "What?"

_Thought I was sitting with Kaneki._

"I mean, he was completely bald at one point but suddenly started sprouting hair like crazy! It really was five poodle-worths of hair!"

"That's mean!"

I glanced at the bag that rested on the side of my foot, pulling out a rolled-up piece of paper and handing it to her. "And this, too."

"Ken Kaneki...huh, looks familiar. It even sounds familiar. What a distinctive face..." She studied the words at the sides of his photo, and her eyes gradually expanded. "Wait, Kaneki...your best friend's missing?"

Nodding, I pressed my lips together. "For a couple of weeks now. I've been putting these up to raise awareness; it was ultimately the university's idea. At least I could help, though."

"But...your best friend..."

"Yeah...I know."

"Maybe I could help?"

I gazed at her, curious. "How?"

She lifted her phone. "Technology? The internet?"

"That makes sense, but...still, how?"

Biting her bottom lip, she hummed.

When our orders arrived, Mirélle completely fell in love with her food — and I could say that _just_ by looking at her facial features, which were very expressive. As she continued to eat, my admiration for the waitresses' uniforms shifted to my steak burger.

Mirélle hummed. "So good..."

As soon as I was done with the burger, I asked if she wouldn't mind sharing her pasta.

" _Hein?_ Youate an _entire_ burger, _with_ fries! You didn't even bother leaving some for me, _con."_

"Aw c'mon, just a little bit! I never had the pasta here," I whined, pouting, intentionally irritating her with my constant groaning every time she rejected.

" _Arée_ _!_ Fine, even though I don't want to because I'm really hungry. You should be thankful that you're cute."

With a laugh, I reached over to her plate. "Ah, you really are my type!"

_And with that, it was confirmed that Uchiyama Mirélle..._

_Is_ not _a Ghoul._

When we were finished with our food, she pulled out her wallet and placed some cash on the table. I scolded her mildly, telling her that _I'd_ pay for the meal, _jeez._

"It's not a date," she rolled her eyes. "Don't guys only do that when they're on dates? So pay for me when we're on a date."

"So...is that a yes to being cute enough to go out with?"

The memory of the weekend flashed before my eyes. _"I'm just scared of getting my heart broken again. I don't want only sex anymore."_

I wanted to ask what she meant by the last sentence exactly, but I didn't have the courage to. I wanted to ask about why she mentioned the CCG to Jin and why she was there last weekend, but I bit my tongue.

"I'll think about it."

We left the restaurant and thanked the waitresses. There were only about thirty minutes left until sunset; once we had left the restaurant, I decided to take her to high ground in order to watch the sun go down. I walked in front of her, even though I would've liked to be the one behind her.

"So romantic," she'd teased once I mentioned it. "Never took you for that type of man, either."

"I'm _full_ of surprises."

She shoved me with her shoulder. "Guess who one of the opening acts is for the Korean Festival this weekend?"

My eyes widened as I turned around. "No way! Are you really going to perform? What will you do? That sounds great either way! Is that what you were rehearsing the past few days and the past weekend?" I grabbed her shoulder. "What are you going to do?"

" _Arée_ ,one question at a time! I'm getting a migraine," she laughed, then smirked as she raised her brows. "Dance. Sumichan and me with two other girls. It's going to be _very_ sexy, so you should be there and enjoy it."

I was impressed and it showed on my face, which was probably why she winked at me. "Uchiyama...when did you become so bold?"

"You put me in a good mood. Can't I flirt with you from time to time? Do you always have to be the one making me blush?"

Stopping halfway, I stared at her, eyes and mouth agape as laughter rose from my lungs. "Oh, my. What confidence and beauty."

She returned to being her bashful self once again. " _Chut._ We're also going to have a solo stage after the dance performance, so don't leave right after it, all right?"

"Aww, I was just teasing you, Miri-senpai," I poked at her waist.

Unexpectedly, she gave a (probably involuntary) little scream before firmly placing her arms at her sides. Her cheeks were progressively flushing. "Oi?!"

"Ah, right. You're ticklish. It must've slipped my mind..."

"As if!"

My laughter died down to a sigh as I shook my head. "Anyway...this weekend! Is it held by only your uni?"

"I mean..." she shrugged, eyeing my hands suspiciously. "I heard that it was supposed to be a collaborative celebration with Kamii, but because last weekend _your_ university held its own Festival, mine is being a bit petty about it. It's kind of like a competition, but don't take my word for it."

Rolling my eyes, I put my hands up behind my head. "Total bull. I'm sure the Chancellors'll both snap out of it since it's important for Kamii and Takayū to stay allies for business."

"I don't even know if the Chancellors are the ones in charge. Plus...it could just be a rumor. Do you want to see the original dance?"

"Nah, I'd like to be surprised."

"You... _really_ will be, then. Maybe I'll even wear a special uniform, just for you."

"Really now? Can you do that? Are your clothes not already decided by someone else?"

She shook her head, giggling. "Really, truly, honestly! I choose my own wardrobe," and she stepped ahead of me, blowing me a kiss.

_Finally, I was walking behind her._


	10. ⦋ Shiver ⦌

— _**2018**_

 _ **word count**_ — _5117_

♪ _  
_

"Where are you taking me?" she laughed, hesitating to enter the pathway that I was already in. "Are you planning something? Are you a Ghoul?"

"C'mon," I eyed her. "Would a Ghoul have scarfed down all that food? Besides...you can't just ask someone if they're a Ghoul and expect an honest answer."

"There can be honest Ghouls..."

My mind traveled back to the ORC and Cain, how he played Kiyama, Sankou and I like little fiddles. Shaking my head, I grabbed on to the ladder in front of me. "I'd like to meet this honest Ghoul that you speak of. Anyway, let's watch the sunset before it's too late!"

She followed me up the ladder on the side of the building, asking, "Is this allowed?"

"I don't know," I grinned, looking at her below me. "But does it matter?"

Still, the sunset had upset her. There was something about it that reminded her of a bad situation.

"Just think back to this moment instead," I said to her. "Whatever happened before during a sunset that gave you those bad memories, replace it with this memory! Unless this memory sucks just as much."

She laughed, covering up her face, "It doesn't. Thank you for...seeing me today. I didn't think you'd be free."

"Always free for you! Except when I'm a bit too busy."

"I'd understand," she smiled sweetly, turning to look at the setting sun once again.

A hefty sensation repeatedly dropped and elevated off of my chest, rising and falling continuously to the surface of my skin. The nostalgia of the feelings from last weekend came rushing in and pounced on me when suddenly, it seemed that my shoulder blades had shifted; the weight was lifted as I let myself sigh out my worries, up, on that rooftop with the girl I had a crush on.

The wind brushed my cheeks at almost the same moment she did. "Eh? You're..."

"Huh?" I blinked, noticing a tear fall. "Oh, dust must've triggered my allergies again. Dammit!"

Even though I was laughing, she saw right through it. Just like the first time.

"What is it?"

I gave in. "I worry about him sometimes, you know. He's someone I've known since elementary. I would really do _anything_ to help."

She didn't say anything for a while and only looked at my embarrassing, wet state.

_Ah jeez. Snot everywhere._

_Stop._

"I want to help, too," she then muttered. "I want to help you, help him. Let me help."

"It doesn't even sound like a word anymore," I chuckled, wiping my eyes. "Besides, it might be dangerous. I don't want to put you in any danger either."

"So what? If I could help, then it's better that I do, right? What good is a friend when they can, but don't? So, I'll help," she said firmly. "And we'll find him. And if he needs help, then we'll help him, too."

"You don't need to get involved," I'd said that, but wasn't sure if I meant it.

_We all need help sometimes..._

There almost wasn't any room when she stepped forward. "Hide, I was involved the moment we decided to become friends. And there's nothing I wouldn't do for a friend."

"Then you're as dumb as I am," I couldn't help but laugh, feeling weightless at the sound of her voice and the sincerity in each word she said. There was a light breeze that imitated the sensation beginning to swell in me, and the colors of sundown brought out the gold in the hazel of her eyes.

"Sorry," I rubbed my face again, patting my cheeks. "I must look pathetic right now."

" _Tais-toi,_ you make me want to hit you," she half-smiled, and I wanted to kiss her. "Care for a hug?"

Exaggerating a gasp, I placed a hand to my chest. "Are we at that level of intimacy already?"

Groaning, she rolled her eyes. "I don't normally hug, all right? It's weird. I've never even properly hugged Sumie. Take it or leave it, Nagakchika."

I held out my arms. "Ah, you're so hostile."

She closed the space between us as she apologized, and it was at that moment that I realized how intimate something as simple as hugging could be.

_A little sweet, yet faintly bitter, and a hint of cigarette smoke. Was that vanilla? Coffee?_

_...Her skin, her breath on my neck, her heartbeat in my hands, her chest against mine, something hot flowing inside me; blossoming. Ah, shit._

_Act natural._

The sun dipped below the horizon and when we let each other go, I couldn't help turn the other way.

"I'm sorry if I'm a bad hugger," she mumbled. "But I hope you're...comforted?"

"Yeah, no! I feel better! And you're very huggable, so don't worry about it!" I scratched the back of my head, somewhat embarrassed.

She giggled. "Thanks, that's my favorite compliment so far."

I looked up. "The sun's down...I think I need to go soon."

" _Merde._ Me too. I can't be late..."

We left the rooftop and hurried back to where we first met up. "Do you want me to take you somewhere?"

"No, no. I drove here." She scratched her neck, appearing overstrung. "I'll call you later. Or text you. Or both. _Mon chou,_ do you want me to take you somewhere?"

"A-all right," I snickered. _I didn't know she drove._ "You look like you're in a hurry, so it's fine! Take care on the road, OK? Don't drive too fast, even if you're late!"

"Of course," she then kissed me and ran back to the direction she came from.

I sighed, pulling a long face.

_Hm...la-bise. I just wanted kisses._

♪

The weekend had arrived; the one that Miri was going on and on about for the entire week.

I had no idea there were so many Korean students at Takayū; some of them were familiarly from Kamii as well. They were all so fluent in Japanese and their appearances didn't particularly stand out as Korean either.

"Kamii university!" I called out to a group of students I had recognized. "What a surprise to see you here! I didn't know you were Korean."

"Hide," one of the female students grinned. I didn't know all their names, but they surprisingly knew mine. "You're aware that not all of us are Korean, right? Just like how you're here—"

"And _you're_ certainly _not_ Korean," a boy called Minki continued, shaking his head but still smiling. "Just a few of us are. Some of us are half, too."

"What are you here for? I thought Kamii didn't take part in this Festival," another girl, Aki, muttered. "Are you visiting, like us?"

"It's the weekend, isn't it?" I beamed. "And it's a Festival! I'm here to enjoy!"

"I'm so excited to hear this," Chaewon all but squealed, pointing to a piece of paper. I glanced over curiously, reading the contents of the pamphlet. Her friend, Dowoon, disagreed, shaking his head.

"Nah, I'm excited for _that._ The stage is a bit small and the girls will be all up in our faces..."

"Hey, can you guys hand me one of those?" I pointed at the papers in their hands. "I don't know where to get one."

"Here," Minki passed one to me and I immediately looked through the schedule. The group of girls was to perform second from the first act, and after them was a group of boys.

" _Assuming_ that girls will be the only ones dancing to that."

"The names are written there. They sound all Japanese."

"Wait, there's someone called Fueki Yikyung and...Uchiyama Mi...Mirae."

"That doesn't sound so foreign though?"

"The L's are pronounced, so it's Mirélle," I clarified. "She's half Japanese, but not Korean."

Mirélle mentioned that she was having a solo stage; however, there was nothing of the sort mentioned on the sheet. Sumie was to definitely perform alone, though, and after her, was a PSA arranged by the CCG academy branch of the university. Mirélle's name was included in the service announcement.

_I had no idea that CCG assisted Takayū students as well..._

_Was Mirélle truly a part of it? Or was it merely for the PSA?_

"You know her?" Minki questioned.

"Yup, I'm here to support her!"

"Ah," Aki droned as if she found the answer to something. "Now, that makes more sense."

I pulled a face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"This wasn't the first Korean Festival held by Takayū," Dowoon explained. "We haven't seen you attend the others, so...you can imagine."

The short girl all but gasped. "Hide, is Mirélle your girlfriend?"

My eyes widened as I let out a brief laugh. "No, no! I wish! We're just friends..."

"Anyway," Aki cleared her throat. "I'm excited about the boy-group. And I love the song they're performing."

"Why were there more Korean boys than girls? What the heck, last year..."

I tuned them out as I gazed into the crowd, trying to find anyone else that I may have known from my university. My eye caught the two upperclassmen that dogged me for information on the Takayū girls, Chuja and Asai, along with their group, and I immediately turned the other way as I covered my face with the pamphlet and continued to look around.

The sight of a tall man in glasses made my insides spring. "I'll see you later!" I exclaimed at the group as I raced forward. "Jin!"

He turned around, having an unlit cigarette in his mouth. "Hm? Ah, Hideyoshi-kun!" _Finally! It's a step up from Nagachika! I'm getting somewhere!_ "Where've you been?"

"Other students from Kamii are here, so I was hanging around with them for a bit!"

"Surprising, right? Didn't expect to see so much from Kamii. It's a bit overwhelming. And kind of disorienting..."

"What, are you going to ignore your senior now?" the voice that sneered behind him belonged to Norio. I gave him a proper, ninety-degree bow greeting.

"It's nice to see you again, Norio!"

"Your definition of 'nice' and mine are clearly not the same," he scoffed, flipping the hair off his eyes. "You here alone, creep?"

Jin hissed and whispered something to him, resulting in Norio rephrasing his question.

"I meant...are you here alone, Nagachika?"

It wasn't long before Domoto and Esashi showed up as well.

"Yep! Although I did find a few friends around..."

"Let's move closer to the stage," Jin suggested abruptly, whilst I greeted the couple. "It'll start soon."

But every step I took filled me with jitters; I wasn't sure what I was going to expect. My heart was beating up a storm and I wasn't exactly even sure _why_ — after all, I was just going to see her dance _._

I tried to focus on the poetry reading, but I couldn't understand a thing other than 'hello', 'please' and 'thank you', and those were only said at the beginning and the end.

We stood at a fair distance from the stage, and I was a bit jealous of the ones closest to it.

"I hope they're not wearing short skirts," Norio muttered to Jin. "There are so many guys here..."

"Even if they were," Domoto replied. "They'd be wearing tights under them. Don't be so paranoid."

I sighed, beginning to sweat. When the stage lights went off, the crowd went wild, carrying pink and purple lights.

"You look nervous. You're as pale as a ghost," Jin said to me. "Don't worry, it's just a performance."

"Yeah, I know. I don't know why I'm so nervous!" I tried to laugh but still felt myself shaking. He advised me to take a deep breath since there were a few minutes of break time between each performance. "Do you know who they're opening for?" at that point, I was just talking to distract myself.

"Check the flyer, dude," Norio scoffed. "They're a very popular Korean band."

**[ ᴅᴀʏ𝟼 ᴄᴏᴠᴇʀ ʙᴀɴᴅ: ʀᴀᴛɪᴏ ᴏғ 𝟻 ]  
**

" _Dude_ , this is a cover band..."

"Ah! Harada-senpai!" a few more students joined and greeted us as I forced my attention to the stage. There was a moment of silence before absolutely everyone screamed their lungs out.

Four girls walked onto the platform with black, bootlike-heels, and tight, light-colored crop-tops. Sumie and another girl wore brightly colored jackets around their waists, hanging loosely off their shoulders. Mirélle and a redhead were decorated with black leather harnesses wrapped around their torsos, and Norio was mad about that.

_Really. It looked like they were about to film something else._

Almost everyone around us screamed the girls' names; it was acutely surreal hearing so many people scream out 'Mirélle' and 'Sumie'. The hot redhead, I had learned, was called 'Haru', and the half Korean one, Yikyung, had a lot of fans as well.

"Oh my God, they really look incredible!" Esashi exclaimed. "Ah, so sexy!"

"Aren't Uchi-san's shorts a bit too...tight?!" Norio growled. "Look! Look!"

"Fujisaki, trust me...we're _all_ looking." Domoto sighed.

"It's too much! Can we sabotage the stage? Is there a way to..."

His voice faded in the background as I trained my eyes on Miri. It was definitely what she said it would be: long, black socks that went up to _just_ below the ending of her (yes, really tight) shorts, revealing only part of her delicious legs.

 _She really went there. She_ really _understood what I liked._

"Sumie! You're beautiful tonight!"

"Haru! Have my babies!"

"Mirélle! Mirélle! I love you! Marry me!"

"Haru! Queen Haru!!!"

"Yikyung! Call me tonight!"

"Mirélle! I'd kill for you!"

"Sumie! My one and only! Sumie!"

"Yikyung! When you smile, I'm happy! Yikyung!"

"Take me, Sumie!"

It wasn't only guys screaming these phrases.

The girls were finally beginning their dance, turning around and —

"What the fuck?! Who choreographed this?!" Norio screamed over the others. "No! Why are they jumping?!"

"My temperature's rising!" I shouted, not sure if it were for my friends around me or the girls on the stage.

I didn't imagine that she'd be able to dance like that; it was kind of a shock at first, but after processing the sensual movements of her hips and the way she swayed her hair, I concluded that she may actually have several hidden talents up her sleeve. Seeing it up close and personal made it all the more astounding.

_She's so sexy._

And I couldn't stop staring – so much so that I was practically blushing.

The crowd of people screaming the girls' names turned into a crowd of people chanting to the song. It must've been very well known and very well learned, seeing how organized the chanting was. The performers were mouthing the words as well, slightly smiling at the audience singing along to the playback.

Still, there were those that kept screaming and yelling out their names. I thought I heard someone shout 'sit on me!!!'

 _She did say that it would be_ "very _sexy"...what was I expecting?!_

"Such a good dancer!" Esashi squealed. I didn't know who she was talking about, but Mirélle being the first to take center stage already stole my attention from the rest.

 _Oh jeez, and the faces she makes while performing...I never knew she was_ that _good!_

My heart was beating out of my chest as I exaggerated a cough. "Someone, save me!" and every time Mirélle took the center, I screamed louder.

"Hottest on stage?" I heard from my right; Jin's friends talking to one another.

"Her! Mirélle, obviously." He answered, and I mentally agreed.

"She's kind of dark though..."

"Man, who cares about skin color anymore? She's still hot as hell!"

"Gah! Look at that move they do with their hands up! I hope I dream of that tonight..."

"Maybe she'd be cuter if her skin were lighter."

I shook my head, screaming out to the stage. "Mirélle! You're fire! You're killing us!"

But I still heard them. "Who would you prefer?"

"Yikyung,"

"Aaahh!" the entire group exclaimed. "Yikyung! Fuck yes!"

"Sumie's pretty, too."

"Yo, hands down, real talk though: Yamashiro and Uchiyama are the prettiest. Don't even _try_ to convince me otherwise."

"Hey, you," they were abruptly addressing me. "You, with the blonde-orange hair,"

"Huh?"

"Yes, _you._ Takayū?"

"No, Kamii."

"Ah, even better: a third party observer! Who do you think's the hottest _and_ prettiest on stage right now? Point her out to us."

_As if my opinion would make a difference._

Lifting my hand, I aimed and followed to where my heart led. They began to cheer me on and gave me high-fives as a few of them agreed.

"My girl Miri, of course!"

They paused before laughing heartily. " _Your_ girl?"

"You're a laugh! What's your name?"

"Nagachika Hideyoshi, but Hide is just fine!" _I'm missing the performance..._

"Nagachika, just to save you the trouble: Uchiyama wouldn't go out with you!"

_Huh...sounds awfully familiar!_

"Beyond that...she already belongs to the king!"

At the sound of that, an image of Jin flashed in my head. "King? Who?"

"Yep! Nara Tsuneo."

"Wait..." my features all but screamed confused. "Tsuneo? The volleyball guy?!"

"Good, you know him! Senior here at Takayū. In addition to that, wouldn't dating someone from a different university be such a hassle anyway? You wouldn't get to see each other much or...sneak around..."

"Also," the other man chimed in. "If there's anyone that would suit her from _your_ uni, it would be..." he pointed at Jin, who was standing behind me.

_I'm not surprised!_

They all seemed to agree on the statement.

"Whatever!" I cried out, looking at the stage. "It's not like you guys will believe me!"

They laughed as though I had said a joke, but I ignored them.

Jin had kept his screaming to a minimum, until he suddenly yelled out, "Mirélle! Kamii shows support! Hideyoshi-kun shows his support!"

_Why did you have to say my name?!_

But it was probably the loudest I had ever heard him shout.

Mirélle took a second to find us but when she did, her eyes almost immediately fixed on me. And she winked, before giving a seductive look.

I screamed again, at the top of my lungs. "Mirélle! You're the! Most beautiful!"

The performance continued with her eyes almost constantly glued to me, and it felt a lot more personal than it did just seconds ago.

"She's looking at me!" someone beside me exclaimed. "Look! Uchiyama's looking at me!"

"Put a sock in it! She's looking at me, jeez!" I replied then cheered for the girls again. "It's...it's really getting hot,"

"With the way she's looking at you?" Jin teased, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I can't imagine. She's not even trying to hide it!"

Focusing on Mirélle had her gazing right back as she pursed her lips and rolled her eyes, making me all hot and bothered. My mouth had almost, if not entirely, completely dried out, but I continued to shout anyway. "Your looks could kill a man!"

 _As if everything else wasn't enough fuel for my fantasies_ — _now I'm virtually entirely equipped!_

A pleasant, warm sensation clouded my innards as the performance came to an end, and the last person she looked at was _me._

"Woah...maybe she really _is_ your girl, Nagachika..." the student from earlier commented quietly, close by me.

"I won't say you're wrong," I grinned back, watching as the girls stood in a line and bowed to greet us in Korean.

"Hello, we're students from Takayū University," it was Esashi speaking, translating what the girls were saying, to her boyfriend. I listened in closely as well. Each girl introduced herself and whenever they did, the crowd went wild with loud comments once again.

"Yamashiro! Haru! I'll give you the world!", "Haru! Your hair! Keeps me! Alive!"

"Delafose! Sumie! You're so cute!", "Your smile! Lights up! The darkness!"

I knew that Mirélle couldn't speak Korean, but she introduced herself in Korean and somehow, she sounded absolutely adorable.

"Uchiyama! Mirélle! I would! Lay down my life! For you!", "Please! Stare me down! Next!"

They must've noticed that her eyes went into the crowd rather than straight ahead, like the others.

Fueki Yikyung was met with the most screams and the most compliments; especially ones in Korean.

"Fueki! Yikyung! You! Are a Goddess!", "You've saved! This entire! Ward!", "Always! Stay happy! Yikyung-ah!"

She took over and spoke in the language I was only understanding thanks to Esashi. "Thank you for attending the Festival that celebrates the Republic of Korea! This year is a great success, even better than last year. We worked hard to make this Festival and performances happen. We hope that you enjoyed our cover of EXID's DDD,"—everyone screamed again—"Because it was a lot of fun practicing it! And thank you for working so hard and convincing the board on letting us perform it! I really wish that it was equally as fun watching it. Please stay safe and alert, because times are difficult and Ghouls are rampant.

"There will be a special message given by the students and trainees of the CCG Academy branch of Takayū. Please stay tuned and look forward to the message. Thank you again!"

Everyone clapped and cheered loudly as the girls bowed.

"Mirélle! Miri!" I called out to her. When she looked back, I shouted, "You! Make me! Happy!" and blew her a kiss.

She caught it and placed the palm to her mouth, winking at me again.

The rest of the show didn't interest me as much as Mirélle's performance did, so I left the crowd. I ate from the food vendors and chatted up a few of the students there, finding the same group that I had seen earlier that evening.

Some students from Takayū had come up to me to ask about my relationship with Mirélle, for some reason.

"I don't know what you're talking about..."

"She was looking at you the entire end of the performance, wasn't she?"

"No," I scratched my face, enjoying the taste of the Odeng. "She was looking at a lot of people!"

They eyed me suspiciously throughout the entire conversation, while Dowoon and Chaewon teased me.

Girls were screaming their hearts out at the boy group that was performing; they were loud for the girl group but _way_ louder for the boys. When I glanced at the stage, I saw about five to seven men with their shirts open, dancing with canes, body rolling, and thrusting into the heavens.

_Out of all the songs that could've been chosen for both performances...they had to go with the really sexy ones._

"Yeesh," Norio was abruptly standing beside me, pushing his hair back. "I hope the next performances are better."

"They're all pretty good!" disagreeing, I noticed a few girls from Kamii greeting him. They initiated in small talk, and from a distance I noticed Jin walking up to us.

Once the performers were finished, Norio was translating what they were saying — and damn me to hell, but one of the boys introduced himself as Nara Tsuneo.

_It was enough that the students thought that Miri belonged to him, and now I find out that he was a performer, too?_

_Also, why did everyone know Korean except me?!_

"We hope that you enjoyed our cover of EXO's Artificial Love,"—the crowd went _insane_ —"We really believe that it is a timeless and sexy song. Please, stay tuned for the other performances and the CCG PSA!"

Later on, Sumie was on stage, singing. She truly did have such a beautiful voice; it was equally as attention-grabbing and gentle enough to relax one's nerves. Jin let out a sigh as he watched and listened to her, a proud smile stretching across his face.

"She was always too nervous," he muttered, chewing on food. "Last year, she was also supposed to have a solo stage, but her stage fright always got the better of her."

"What changed?" I asked with a mouthful.

He snickered. " _Your_ girl."

I bit my lip, embarrassed. "I don't know why I said that, honestly!"

"It's a territorial thing, huh, Hideyoshi-kun?" he finished up his food and laughed, putting a hand to his chest. "Other guys would understand, so you don't have to explain yourself! Aside from that...aren't you two getting closer now?"

Scratching my face, I glanced at him for a brief moment before looking out onto the Festival again. "Yeah, I suppose you could say that! I mean, ever since last weekend, really. We talk on the phone and text a lot. We also meet mid-week! It's kind of all over the place! I feel immensely relaxed with her — even more than usual, and you know how chill I can be! Isn't that crazy?"

He paused for an instant. "That's...that's really good! That makes me very thankful. I'm happier now that you two met."

"Yup! Anyway, she really is a great singer," I watched Sumie sing with her heart on her sleeve as I thought of the food. "Very emotional and touching."

"Yeah...so, Hideyoshi-kun," he turned to me, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Tomorrow, we're all going on a weekend getaway. It's something we do from time to time. Y'know, just us in a rented out place. You in?"

My eyes widened with excitement. "Yes!!! Of course! Wait, who'll be there? Who's 'us'? You know what, it doesn't matter! I'm all the way in!"

"Ah, you never fail to make me laugh!"

"...But really, who's 'us'?"

"You know! Just us, from last weekend! Me, Norio, Domoto, Esashi, Sumie, and Miri. I invited a few others but I doubt they'll be there."

"I honestly don't mind!"

"Great! Oh, one more thing...would it be all right if Mirélle were to go over to your place? Her house is awfullyfar and if we want to get anything done, we'd really have to be there early."

The suspicions from last weekend returned to me: Jin must really want Miri and me together, for some reason. But I shook my head; it's not like I was against it. "It's completely all right!"

"Good!"

We returned to the crowd and stood where we were originally standing, finding the couple still there, watching. There was one last group of people that occupied the stage once it was announced that the cover band's time was near. Mirélle changed out of her sultry outfit and wore something that appeared as formal as a suit and tie; her face was almost completely vacant of emotion as she observed the audience.

_The CCG Academy Branch._

Even though practically the entire Festival was in Korean, the students spoke in Japanese for that speech. It was a discourse about Ghouls and fighting them, realizing what we were to fight for, and finding a reason to do so.

When her eyes landed on me, her emotions had returned briefly. She gave a small smile of acknowledgment and looked away again, pressing her lips together.

"I am a trainee at the CCG Academy Branch." A boy stood forward to say, looking solemn.

"I was a witness to a Ghoul attack."

"I lost my family to a Ghoul." Said Mirélle, making my heart drop.

_This could just be a speech._

"I lost my best friend to a Ghoul." Nara again.

"Ghouls attacked my neighborhood, and I'm afraid to leave my house."

And so on...

"If you want to make a difference,"

"If you want to help us," she continued.

"If you want to do more,"

"For the deaths to stop,"

"For the losses to cease," her voice almost broke.

"And for a better, safer Ward,"

"Join our CCG program. Takayū is here to help. The CCG is here to help." They had all but sung, and I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a strange occult ceremony.

And with a bow, they left the stage. The crowd cheered, but many around us were murmuring about Ghouls. And it was then that I had noticed that Jin wasn't around me anymore, even though the others were still there.

"Where's Jin?" I asked, craning my neck over the hordes of people behind me. Norio had answered, but by the tone of his voice, I knew it wasn't something I was interested in hearing. Instead, I stared intently amid the gathering of people, abruptly finding Jin sticking to a wall that led to a back alley.

"Save my place," I told them - whoever was listening and willing to. "I need to go to the bathroom!"

Standing beside groups of Festival attendees kept me hidden enough as I followed Jin towards the passageway. The cover band was about to perform and the song they were going to sing was already blaring all around the area; I only hoped that even with music that loud, I would still be able to hear...whatever was going on.

Putting up my hoodie, I crouched my way into the dead-ended path and hid behind a few of the garbage bins, intending for them to cover up my scent. I heard muffled voices until—

"...not working out, huh?" it was Jin speaking.

"...and-still. We're unsure."

_I know that voice._

"Are you kidding me?" hostility and Jin weren't things that always went together. "This is too much. If we don't act soon, the CCG will tighten the security of the Ward a _lot_ more than it already is, thanks to Aogiri."

 _...Fuck. I wanted to be wrong. I_ desperately _wanted to be wrong about this._

"Do I look stupid to you, Harada?" that voice. I knew that voice, but I couldn't match a face to it. "We just don't want the mess to get any _bigger_."

"I'll talk to Yoshimura then."

"As if that'll do any good."

"We should plan something. Stop these Ghouls from making everything a lot worse than they already are. The rest of us work hard to keep ourselves hidden, and yet these fuckers come out here...sooner or later, _we're_ the ones getting exposed. It's _us_ getting punished for their shit."

"Can you shut up? I already know what you mean." She sighed. "Look...come by Anteiku tomorrow. We'll see what to do."

"Weekend," Jin responded in monotone. "Going away. Bad timing."

"Yeah...you and your human friends."

"Just like your little pet, Kosaka."

"Don't say anything about Yoriko. I'll slit your throat."

Jin chuckled. "Then don't say shit about _my_ friends, hypocrite. I'll contact you when I'm back from the cabin."

"Fine."

"But Kirishima...you call me right away. Call me as soon as there's a development. You hear? Even if I'm still gone."

_Kirishima...Touka?_

"All right, Harada. Sheesh, keep your pants on."

As soon as the conversation shifted onto something lighter, I quietly rolled out of the backstreet, trying to process what I had just heard.

_Harada Jin...is a Ghoul._


	11. ⦋ Psychoanalysis ⦌

— _**2018**_

 _ **word count**_ — _4818_

♪

Then again, when was I wrong about these things?

Reporting him wasn't an option. After all, he wasn't the only Ghoul I knew that lived in the 20th Ward, that lived so close to home. I lied to myself about things at Anteiku, my own university, about Cain attacking me — a self-inflicted memory wipe was one of my talents. And that way, no one knew what I _couldn't_ possibly know, could they?

Whistle-blowing was something I didn't do unless necessary, such as the Aogiri incident. However, when it came to the other Ghouls, it was something that crossed my mind and only crossed it.

_And I always knew better._

_Did Miri know about Jin? Did the rest know?_

_They must._

Besides, it sounded as though Jin were mad at the group of Ghouls that made it to the news; as though he wanted it all to stop before things got worse. Which made sense, considering his point of view.

I stalked towards the crowd as a few of them bobbed their heads to the pop-rock cover, dwelling on the subject more than I needed to if I were being completely honest.

 _There's nothing else to it. Jin is a Ghoul. So is Touka and probably everyone else working at Anteiku, and a lot of students on campus were Ghouls, as well as tonight -_ _Ghouls were_ definitely _among us in the crowd, blending in._

_The way they always did. The way they did in order to survive._

"There you are!" Esashi abruptly exclaimed, leaning off of Domoto's arm as they approached me from within the audience. "Miri's looking for you!"

"She is?" I pulled out my phone, recalling that I had silenced it and finding three missed calls from her. "Ah, where's she right now?"

"I don't know," she laughed, appearing slightly out of it. " _You_ look for her! She's _your_ girlfriend! Not mine!"

Glancing at Domoto, I raised a brow. "Did she drink anything?"

He took in a deep inhale before shrugging and pulling Esashi up to his side. "They're selling Soju at a few of the vendors; must've gotten it from there."

"Right," nodding, I turned away. "I'll go look for Miri, then. Take care, Esashi!"

_Jin visiting Anteiku wasn't something I made up in my head. It never was, even though I sometimes convinced myself that it was._

_What about the weekend plans? Were they something he was being sincere about or was I right about him wanting to eat me, too? And they were all in on it?_

I let out a sigh as students of Kamii greeted me from the left and the right, remembering all the opportunities Jin had to eat me - and he had _a lot._

_Nishiki invited me to his dorm a few times, but only decided to attack me that time Kaneki was with us. His intentions weren't to eat me. If it were, then he would have done it when I was alone with him all those times._

_Was it to get to me 'before' Kaneki did? Was I hearing right, that evening?_

_After all, Kaneki..._

_Really was coaxed to eat me._

"Hide! Hideyoshi! Nagakchika!" Mirélle's voice brought me back to the real world, and I noticed that I didn't walk that far away from the group, either. She was excited and grinning from ear to ear as she skipped to my direction, and I thought to myself how adorable she was; how she really cheered me up. "What did you think? Did you like it?"

Biting my lip, I inhaled deeply as I forced myself out of my own thoughts. Jin wasn't around and eating my heart out over it won't do me any good.

_Now isn't the time. Just focus on Miri._

"I realized that I should've watched the original dance," I commented, absentmindedly reaching forward to push back her hair. "I wasn't prepared for _that!"_

Looking her over, she was in a short, white-ish, long-sleeved low cut dress with her hair down, appearing more relaxed compared to the last time I had seen her on Wednesday. The black socks from the performance cut at her thighs, tempting me to touch her.

"You wanted to be surprised, remember?" she chuckled, removing my hand and tugging at the sleeve of my bright blue shirt. "It seems like you really were. Did you like what I wore, too?" she leaned close to me and whispered, "I wore it for you."

"Oi Uchiyama, why are you teasing me so much?"

" _Chut,_ I already told you that you should give me a turn at making you blush sometimes." With a wink, she stepped back to her original position. "But, truthfully...what did you think about it? The performance?"

"It was great, honest! Didn't you hear the things I was screaming to you?"

She shook her head. "Sorry...I couldn't hear you over the music, except for a few things, and the last thing you said, _mon chou,_ didn't you notice me catching your kiss?" she giggled. "But when you first called me, I surely heard it! And then Jin said your name, and...I found you there."

Smiling sweetly, she brought her hair forward to cover up her face once more, then reached for her necklace.

"And I meant every word I said! Thank you for catching my kiss, Miri-senpai."

As she pinched my arm and we continued to joke around, Sumie and the other girls walked behind Miri to greet her. She introduced me to them as well, and I couldn't help but become more upbeat. When my eyes landed on the girl with the short, fiery red hair, I understood why the other students praised her so much.

Yamashiro Haru had a pretty smile and captivating emerald eyes. If it weren't for how I felt about Mirélle, I would've asked her out.

 _Yes, even_ if _she was out of my league. I always did it anyway._

_I mean, have you seen Mirélle? Rize?_

_Sometimes, losers like Kaneki and I get lucky!_

_...or just as unlucky._

_Damn these beautiful women._

"You were great up there! But seriously...whose song choice was that? Even the girls were sweating for the guys!"

"We had a list of songs from the suggestion box given to us by the board," Yamashiro's voice was high pitched when she spoke, almost the opposite to Mirélle. _Something about her seems familiar, too. As if I had seen her face before._ "This year, people wanted something not so traditional and more modern; same thing with the boys. We voted for this one, and Mimi and I were excited to do it!"

_What a cute nickname for Miri._

"Miri-senpai?! You were a part of deciding and you chose that dance?!"

She laughed but pinched me again.

"Trust me, the other songs were a hundred times lewder." Sumie rolled her eyes but allowed a chuckle. "At least we chose one that didn't require us to act _too_ much on stage."

We continued to converse about the performances; I praised Sumie for her singing and told her how nice she sounded, then I argued my point about how unfair it was that the group of boys had ornaments but the girls didn't.

"The original song didn't have any stage props." The half Korean, Yikyung, clarified.

"I wonder what kind of props we would've had." Mirélle thought out loud but directed her words to me.

"I'll be your prop," I muttered to her.

When she laughed, she also let out a small squeal, covering her face with her hands andher hair.

_Ahh...I'm becoming as much of a dreamer as Kaneki is._

A little while passed as Miri and I continued to flirt, then she mentioned how hungry and desperate she was for food. Sumie, Yikyung, and Yamashiro hung back with the rest of Jin's group, sitting on a picnic table as the music softened, turning to acoustics.

Jin had returned after a few more minutes, appearing unnerved as he sucked on a cigarette and sat up, on the table with his legs on the bench. I wondered if the conversation between him and Touka had gone sour, or if she said anything else about the gang of Ghouls that turned his usual smile into a frown.

But even when Jin was upset, he forced a smile to his face.

_Takes one to know one._

An odd couple that I had seen earlier strode in front of us; a tall man with short, black hair beside a woman _much_ shorter than he was, reaching near his chest only thanks to her voluminous, blonde hair. I glanced at Jin but didn't see a reaction. I didn't recognize them from Kamii either, so I called out to Mirélle.

"Yo, are those students from Takayū?"

"Are you talking about the couple? I don't think I've ever seen them before. But it's not like I know every student in my uni, _t'sais._ They're cute, though."

"No way! They're holding hands but their attention is literally everywhere else."

"I meant the height difference," she huffed, then tugged at my sleeve. "Let's go eat, please."

"Jeez, why do you always want to eat when we're together?"

"I don't know. You trigger my hunger!"

Mirélle asked if any of them wanted to join but Esashi insisted on us going alone; it would've been Jin, but he appeared to be completely consumed by his thoughts. Even his lit cigarette ate away at itself since he neglected to tap it.

"I'm right here," I joked as we walked towards the food vendors. "I mean, I might taste good. You never know."

"I don't know if you're making a dirty joke or trying to uncover something..."

"Like your close friend?"

Her tone changed as she stopped walking. "What?"

But I continued ahead of her. "Oh, you know! When you're so hungry that you could eat a human or a horse! It's a saying, isn't it? Anyway, you should try the food here," I pointed at the familiar patterns of Odeng. "It's really yummy! I ate from here earlier. I think it's better if you also get some sauce with it - _if_ they offer it with sauce."

" _Merde,_ you really do talk so much," she grinned, albeit slightly uncomfortable. "This is what Fujisaki must've been on about."

The faintest smell of cigarette smoke tickled my nose as she ordered the food. "Smoking is really bad for you..."

Her hum was playful as she took the stick of Odeng and thanked the man. We walked around the venue and my eyes went from stall to stall, my mouth watering from the sight and smell of the flavorful snacks.

"Are you worried about my health, now?"

"You're already doing well with exercise and training, why not stop smoking, too?"

Even though she looked away as she normally did, something in her features gave a distant feeling from deep inside her; it was the familiar expression of feeling like she belonged somewhere else.

Shrugging at my question, she took a bite. "I forget to eat sometimes and I don't get enough sleep. Exercise and training is the _only_ healthy thing I do." A laugh escaped her, but it was detached.

_Hmm..._

"What are you, a baby?" I smirked. "Do you want me to babysit you?"

" _Putain,_ at least wait until I'm done eating!" and a real grin puffed her cheeks.

_Much better._

"But I'm serious, all right! Smoke less. Maybe until you stop it altogether. It doesn't benefit you. You hear me?"

She groaned, however, nodded as well. "I'll think about it."

_Close enough, right?_

I didn't deny the food or the drinks she offered to buy for me, but I was ultimately embarrassed about it.

"I'll pay you back! I left my money at home."

"Don't worry about it, _mon chou._ I'm happy to see you eating well!"

Once we were done seeing and eating everything we could, and Mirélle took enough photos with new and old fans from both my uni and hers, we headed back to the picnic table.

"So, the stories by the students that said they were part of the CCG Academy..." I questioned in a low voice, walking close enough to her that our arms were bumping. "And what you said about your family...are they true? Were they telling real stories about themselves? Are you also a part of the CCG Academy?"

With a hum, she reached to scratch the back of her neck. "The speech before the band? No, not at all — and I'm not a student at the Academy, either. We were given stories to read out loud so that we could promote and advertise the program, and the CCG having its own course at Takayū. 

"It's not something official, I think; they don't get to go on missions or meet the higher-ups at the CCG, but it's as official as it goes. They _might_ end up going to the actual building in the future, to be promoted, or something."

I rubbed my cheek. "But those stories...they were really grim."

Nodding, she gathered her hair and placed it to the right, exposing her neck to me the way she did before. I stared at her, unable to look away.

"I didn't want to do mine," her voice almost dropped to a whisper. "Even when I first received it, it made me really emotional. But these were made in order to appeal to those that might feel powerless at such hard times. There are people out there that lose a lot to the Ghoul species and might feel like they don't have the strength to move on...the speech was supposed to be a ray of hope. A beacon."

"It makes sense, and you _did_ move a lot of people," I agreed, hoping to reassure her; her tone was doubtful. "It even inspired me! If only I were at Takayū..."

With a scoff, she shoved me with her shoulder. "Kamii is the dream. Shut up."

I was about to counter with a tickle, but we had already arrived.

"Hideyoshi-kun," when Jin called out to me, I jolted in position.

We sat together on the table along with Norio on the bench and the couple beside us, while the girls from the stage stood in front of us, talking and laughing, often chanting. Mirélle and Yamashiro seemed to get along well, and I wondered why Yamashiro didn't hang out with them—or rather, with us—as much.

"I've gotta get used to you using my first name," I chuckled sheepishly, scratching my face. "What's up?"

_Was he going to question me about his meeting with Touka and why I was there? Did he know I was there? Did the garbage not mask my scent enough? Was he going to threaten me and tell me that he was going to kill me because I knew his secret? Wouldn't he trust me to keep it?!_

"Why don't you ask her to dance?"

I let out a sigh of relief and wiped my forehead, answering his question with another question. "Who? Mirélle?"

Jin nodded as his brows furrowed, and I deeply wanted to see the look in his eyes.

"She's kind of busy..." _and I'm a lousy dancer._

"Suit yourself." He grunted off the table and stepped towards the girls, confidently asking Yamashiro for a dance. For a split second, a part of me worried that he'd ask Mirélle.

_They were pretty close, after all._

As they left and disappeared into the crowd, I gazed at Miri, watching her gently sway to the music and trying to find the courage to ask her without necessarily embarrassing myself with my lack of dance-ability.

However, what I found instead was a constant distraction: whenever the lights of the stage beamed brightly, the silhouette of her body was exposed to view, bending in such a way that had me sitting down on the bench rather than the table.

And when she raised her hands to put her hair up, her dress slightly rose, bringing my attention back to the tightness of her over-the-knee black socks. I leaned forward to get a better look, fantasizing things I shouldn't have been fantasizing about out in the open.

_What a delicious sight._

_I always told Kaneki about my ideal type..._

Distracted, I let out a sigh of admiration, which caught her attention. She turned around and hummed in question before bending down to look at me - her low cut dress giving me a view of her chest.

_Hmm..._

"Are you bored? Or just tired?" she pushed her hair back, allowing me to see a lot more — but I forced my eyes to hers, focusing on the sound of her voice and the glow of her pretty smile.

With a grin, I pulled her and sat her beside me, putting a leg up on the bench. "Go out with me."

She chuckled, crossing her legs and causing her dress to fall back.

"We're out right now. And we went out on Wednesday."

"Jeez, I obviously meant on a proper date!"

Sighing, she looked to her hands.

"Yeah, yeah, I know; you'll think about it. I'm just...a bit impatient!"

"Actually, I was thinking..."

"Yeah?!"

"Relax! It's actually about tomorrow; we're going on a road trip for the weekend. You know, Sumichan, Domoto and Hana, Jin and Fujisaki. Would you like to come with us?"

The memory of Jin mentioning a getaway to Touka echoed from the back of my head, then I recalled his invitation to me.

"Jin already told me," I muttered, leaning closer. "So yes, I'll be there." Then I smirked. "Are you in the mood for a kiss? I am."

She let out an exhale, still smiling. "Honestly...you have no shame. And here I thought Japanese guys keep to themselves more."

"I'm one of a kind! Plus, I really like how you look in that dress." I blinked, hesitation lacing through my insides and nearly poisoning my honesty. "I like it when you laugh and when we make jokes and talk about silly things. And I like it when we disagree on said silly things. And...I like talking toyou when I'm sad..."

Shaking her head, her chuckle faded as she glanced at me - and all I had hoped for, in those few seconds, was that my voice reached her.

I stared back, following the movement of her eyes, seeing her study my features the same way she did, time and time again. My heart swelled twice its size and beat so fast, it ached.

The atmosphere was so fitting for something to happen; every time there was a festival, there was a little bit of magic in the air. The song the cover band was covering was just as romantic as well.

Then, the only thing I could see was her lips; parted and pouty, smeared in the transparent gel she'd rub on when she thought no one was looking. She said something, but I couldn't hear it; the other sounds around me faded into a blur and all I could hear was my heartbeat.

 _Dammit. Maybe I should've chewed gum beforehand?_ _Does she think I'm hot, too? Does she enjoy doing those things with me, too?_

_Man, I really should've thought this through...!_

_Should I tilt my head now? Should I tilt it, at all? If I leaned any closer, I'd fall facedown on her lap._

But she tilted hers as she moved forward slowly; I felt her breath on my lips, a—

"Mirélle, can you come to the bathroom with me?" the voice was loud and piercing; Sumie was already tugging at Mirélle's arm, and in less than a minute, she was no longer in front of me.

The initial shock faded quickly. " _Oi!_ What the—"

"Shut up! You're in public." She hissed, pointing at me and then dragging Mirélle with her to the right as the other girls followed, giggling.

As Mirélle was being pulled away, she looked over her shoulder at me and grinned, and I cursed out loud in gibberish. Domoto laughed from my left, still sitting up on the table, and I eyed him with irritation.

_Man! I just wanted a kiss!_

"Cockblocked, huh?"

"Whatever!" I said loudly, throwing my hands and legs up in frustration, wondering about my breath. "Jeez...Domoto, you've got gum or something? What a pain..."

He—and Esashi—burst in laughter as he reached into his pocket. That was when I noticed Norio sitting behind me on the other bench, his head in his hands and a bottle of Soju to his right.

Furiously chewing the gum, I shook my head and crossed my arms. And as if _that_ wasn't infuriating enough, Nara Tsuneo showed up.

♪

Every time it was the end of the night, loneliness formed a stronghold around my heart.

Every time it happened, Mirélle took notice. However, thankfully, it wasn't as bad as it was last weekend. But...

She still noticed.

The festival had come to an end and this time, Mirélle, Sumie, Yamashiro, and Yikyung had to stay behind and help the rest of their committee in putting away everything Takayū was responsible for, including dealing with paperwork.

There were a few other students still there, but I was honestly relieved that Nara, Chuja, plus his posse, had left the premises. Norio and the couple pulled back as well; the blonde mentioned that he didn't feel all that great, therefore, the three of them called a cab to take him home.

Jin, Miri, Sumie and I had relocated from the picnic table towards the center of the grass field, where the crowd was standing in front of the stage.

"Are we going to that beach-park road place again?" I asked as I pulled out the grass in front of me.

Jin shook his head. "We have to leave early tomorrow, remember?" he then leaned to the left to glance at Mirélle, who was sitting behind me. The original plan was for her to play with my hair—which she did, but only for a few _seconds_ —however, as time passed, she sat there and traced kanji along my shoulder blades with her nails.

_And I couldn't stop thinking of her just staring at my nape. Goosebumps._

"Oh right, Miri; go to Hideyoshi-kun's. It'll be easier for me to pick you up from there since it's closer than going all the way to your place."

"What? _Now?"_ she all but yelled.

"No, no, just...as soon as you wake up. Which should be a couple of hours _from_ now."

She sighed and when I looked at her, her back had slumped.

"You seem excited about it," I joked, pulling out some grass and throwing it at her.

"It's not that," she waved off my actions. "It's... _merde,_ I have to wake up really early. If that's the case, then it's better if we just leave now. We still have some shit to do...ah, _putain!"_

"All right, all right," Jin muttered, already getting up. "I hear you, loud and clear, Miri- _hime._ C'mon Hideyoshi-kun, I'll walk with you to your bike."

"Ah, no! It's fine! I'll leave in a little while, so you can go ahead!"

He sighed again, and I wondered if he were rolling his eyes. "Got it. I'll wait, anyway."

I offered to stay behind but Mirélle refused to keep me, getting up before I did. "It's bad enough that I'm going to be tired, I don't want to tire you too, _mon chou."_

"That sounds all right! I can rest with you in the Jeep!"

Jin let out a rather ominous chuckle. "The drive there is almost an hour and a half."

My eyes widened. "What?! Are we going to a different Ward?!"

Mirélle groaned loudly. "It's _really_ far."

They initiated an argument as I glanced at Sumie and nodded at her. "Are these weekend getaways...fun?"

She snickered, flipping her short brown hair. "Usually, yes. _You_ might have a different kind of fun..."

"Now I _know_ you're messing with me!"

"Am I?"

Her statement made me tingly, but...

_The demons came out at night and clawed their nails into me, making it hard for me to fake what was easy for me to fake: a simple smile.  
_

Before I followed Jin to the parking lot, I looked to Mirélle, wondering how to part with her as the cold slithered into my being. She detected it before I could shake it off, and asked me if I were all right.

"Just tired. Watching you dance really aged me. Look what you did to my weak heart! All I see now is shaking asses and your poisonous _zettai_ _ryōiki!_ "

Giggling, she hit me on the arm, returning the color to my vision. For a moment, the feeling faded; it wasn't hard for me to notice that the moment lasted the longer she was around.

"Kaneki?" her tone was sweet, riddled with concern. "Or something else?"

"That guy..." I shook my head gently, letting out a sigh. "I wonder if he thinks of me also. If he knew how lonely it made me, and if it made him lonely, too."

She mimicked me, putting a finger to her lips. "Maybe someday, I'll love someone as much as you love him."

"You already do, don't you?"

The look in her eyes slightly shifted. Pressing her lips together, she shook her head. "I don't think so. Maybe once, but not anymore."

"And the others? Sumie, Jin? Yamashiro? Wouldn't you take a bullet for them?"

Appearing offended, she took in a sharp inhale. "Of _course_ I would. What kind of..." when her eyes met mine, she understood what I meant. "You surprise me sometimes, Nagakchika."

"What did I tell you? I'm full of surprises, Uchiyama."

_This is the perfect time to kiss her._

_But it seemed that only I felt that way._

Nothing made me lonelier than such a realization; however, in spite of that thought, she took a step forward.

"I'm sure he can't stand being without you." She muttered, and I wondered if it were true. "He's out there somewhere, looking for you, too. And...if, for some reason, he isn't, then I'm sure he thinks of you all the time. I know I would."

_He had his reasons to leave. I understood. But it still hurt._

"That's different." I forced a chuckle, falling for the way the moon illuminated her features.

"That's _so_ irrelevant. My mind's almost always occupied with my friends, too. There's no 'line', there's just love and care. I would hate to think that my friends don't think of me as much as I think of them! That would just mean they don't love me as much...hah."

"Woah. Way to bring the mood all the way down."

She hit me again, grinning bashfully. " _Tais-toi,_ Nagakchika."

Without thinking, I placed my hand on the bareness of her neck. She tensed for a bit, turning her head to me. The setting was perfect; there was nothing more I could've asked for, and yet...

Yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Like the idiot that I was, I allowed the moment to slip through my fingers.

"I'm happy we met." I murmured, gently rubbing the side of her jaw with my thumb. The feeling of her quick pulse beneath my touch mildly comforted me; at least, I wasn't the only one who was _so_ nervous. But I shifted my hand to her shoulder, wondering if she felt uncomfortable.

"Then show it," lifting the corners of my lips with her index fingers, she continued, "I'll see you a lot sooner than you think, _mon chou_." And she then kissed my cheeks, lingering near me for a few seconds as my hand fell to my side.

"Stop teasing me," I bit my lip. "That's _my_ job."

With a groan, she turned away, "I'll tease you as much as I want!" and blew me a kiss before disappearing behind the stage.

As I half-walked and half-ran to where Jin was standing, I pulled out my phone, texting Kaneki.

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚈𝚘...𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝙸'𝚖 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎, 𝙺𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚔𝚒.

After tapping 'send', my phone vibrated. My hopes skyrocketed, thinking that finally — Kaneki _finally_ emailed me back.

But it was a message from someone else.

**𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒:  
** 𝚂𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚎, 𝚒𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞! 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎 ~ 𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 ~ 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜 ~

𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘. 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚒𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜. 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚕𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝.

𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝. 𝚒'𝚖 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚋𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚖𝚎. 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚠𝚠𝚠 𝚖𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝚒 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍'𝚟𝚎 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚛𝚊 𝚌𝚕𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚕𝚎𝚙𝚝 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚠𝚠𝚠

𝚊𝟸𝚖𝟷 ~ 𝚠𝚔𝚝𝚔 ♥

_A2m1?_

Putting my phone away, I hadn't realized that I was smiling until I reached Jin.

"Ready to go?" he asked calmly, and I wondered if he saw the exchange between Miri and me.

"Yep! I'll see you in a couple of hours, Jin."

_It's going to be a long, lonely ride home._


	12. ⦋ Pleasure Principle ⦌

— _**2018**_

_**[ explicit content** 2.5/5 **]**_

**_word count_** — _3937_

♪

Thoughts of Mirélle's lies dissolved into the back of my head as the mind-numbing vibrations of my phone woke me up.

Smashing my hand on to the miniature bedside table where my phone was quaking in the most annoying way, I looked at the bright screen through squinted eyes.

𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚛𝚒

With a smile on my face and a sigh leaving my chest, I answered as brightly as one could when they had just woken up.

"Good morning." It came out as a grumble as fatigue pulled my eyes shut.

She giggled before replying, and something inside me inflated. "Good morning, _chouchou_ Hide. Are you ready to receive me, or is it still too early?"

"What time is it now?"

"Seven. I think I'll arrive in approximately thirty to forty minutes, give or take."

"Then why don't you call me when you're _actually_ here?" I scoffed. " _Baka."_

" _Arée_ _,_ don't call me _baka, baka-_ Hide _."_

My face scrunched. " _Yah,_ Miri, it's seven in the morning...don't be so loud," I turned to face the wall, taking notice of the smile on my face. "I could've slept for at least thirty minutes more."

" _Je ne sais pas,_ I thought it would be better to wake you up _before_ I got there...just in case you forgot."

"Give me some credit here! I wouldn't forget!"

"Argh, all right. I'll see you in about forty minutes, yeah?"

"Yeah. It was nice hearing from you, anyway."

There was a pause before she chuckled faintly. " _Tais-toi."_

"What? I'm being honest!"

...

...

...

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Can you hang up already? I gotta finish getting ready."

Letting out a laugh, I turned to face the ceiling, covering my eyes with my free arm. "Take the phone with you, then."

"If we're late, Jin would never let us forget it, and I live far from you! So, let me at least get to you on time."

"Talk French a bit, and _then_ I'll hang up."

Although she groaned, another laugh followed. "And what do you suggest I say?"

"Hmm...say whatever your heart desires!"

"That's really no help."

"I won't hang up until you tell me two paragraphs."

She gasped. " _Two_ paragraphs?! _T'es délirant_."

"OK, keep going."

She sighed before finally complying. " _Je t'aime bien_."

My eyes shot open as I sat up. There was a moment of silence before I asked, "Did you just tell me that you loved me?"

" _Hein?! What?_ No!" she all but screamed into my ear. "I didn't!"

"Then what did you say?!"

" _Arée_ ,what's the point in me saying it in French if you're gonna wanna hear it in Japanese? Plus, it's something that's commonly said among friends! If I had only said _je t'aime, then_ you can freak out. _Putain, pourquoi est-ce que j'ai dit ça...?"_

"You literally just said it though!"

"I did not!"

I hummed, lying down again. "Fine. Continue!"

She scoffed. " _What?_ You want me to say more?"

"Well, obviously. You woke me up at seven a.m; the least you can do is compliment me!"

"In another language that you don't understand?"

"It's fine since it's coming from you! Besides, I _do_ understand it a little bit. I'm learning every day and I have a _wonderful_ teacher."

Laughing, she soon agreed to what I had asked. " _C_ _omme tu veux,_ Hide. Hmm... _j'adore ton sourire, et pour une raison que j'ignore, je pense toujours à toi."_

_I think I could listen to her voice all day._

"There. It's not two paragraphs but it's good enough. Happy, _con?"_

"As long as I get to hear more of it when you're with me," I grinned. "But that was perfect."

" _Merci_. Can I go now?"

Shaking my head, I sighed. "Yeah."

"Thanks." But she didn't hang up yet; a silence was shared between us for a couple of seconds as I faintly heard her breathing on the other end.

Deciding to break it, I murmured, "Hey?"

"Hmm?" the memory of her impish grin appeared in my head at the sound of her tone.

"I can't sleep now, thanks to you."

"Good, then wait up for me."

"Will it really take you forty minutes to get here?" I turned to the side again.

"Are you that eager to see me?"

"Can't say that I'm not," I stared at my bag at the far end of the room, seeing flyers fall out of it.

"I'll be there soon, OK?" she laughed. "I'm going to hang up now."

"Fine. See you."

"Bye-bye, _mon chou."_

"...Bye."

And as her voice replayed in my head, I was fast asleep.

When there were twenty minutes left until Mirélle arrived, I had woken up to clean my tiny-ass apartment (it was as small as a college dorm room); washing the leftover dishes and clothes that laid around everywhere, tidied my bed and bathroom, and put away anything that appeared somewhat strange to a person that had no interest in CCG, Ghouls, and police work.

 _I know that Mirélle is_ not _that kind of person; that these things interested her as much as they interested me. But I didn't know if I should ask her about it or ask what she knew. Or what she did in her spare time, other than work and university._

_What kind of training was she doing? And just how involved was she with the CCG?_

_What is it that she can't tell me? Was it Jin's secret, or her own?_

It was then, when I was standing in the middle of the room, that I realized, how freaking _small_ the place was. Having only one person in it was already crowded; were we going to have to stick close to each other as they do on the metro?

The thought made a shiver run through me.

_At least there's a balcony for if she wants to smoke. And to think that a few years before college, Kaneki and I were thinking about having a ton of girls over...how dumb._

_We can't even fit five people in such a place!_

As I headed to the bed from washing up, the sound of the doorbell chimed throughout the small area.

In a tizzy, I grabbed the pair of striped green pajama pants lying at the foot of my bed and put it on as I stumbled for the door, immediately swinging it open and wishing I had worn an actual shirt rather than greet her in my undershirt.

_It can't be helped anymore._

She appeared slightly startled and confused for a moment as she took me in, but as gradual as ever, a smile formed along her features. Her eyes were more verdant that morning; almost glowing against the wintry dawn of grey and blue, and her brown hair came down in waves that shaped her to her hips. She wore the jacket that I lent her last week over short black overalls and a large, faded pink scarf that covered up her chin. She looked cozy in the yarn.

In her hands was a cute, pink paper bag, which I almost forgot she'd bring.

"Good morning," she bowed down in a complete ninety-degree angle. "Sorry for the intrusion."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "When did you become so formal?!"

Pressing her lips together, she looked away sheepishly before handing me the bag. "It's nothing special, but I hope you like it. It's dry fruits. There are also some nuts and chocolates in there."

Thanking her as I took the bag, I opened the door widely and invited her in. We were almost the same height, but she felt smaller somehow.

_A girl in my apartment! Kaneki would freak out!_

_Act cool!_

Removing her black sneakers and setting down her _enormous_ brown backpack, she stepped up and glanced around the apartment, as though she were processing her surroundings and taking in all the information. With every passing second, it appeared as if the color in her cheeks deepened.

"First time at a boy's house?" I snickered as I closed the door, placing a hand near her elbow.

"No, but it's my first time _here."_ She glanced at me and hummed curiously at my expectant expression.

"What? No kisses today? Not even _la-bise?"_ I teased, but she leaned into me. I tensed and stared at her, biting my lip as the smell of vanilla and coffee lingered around me. "I was just joking."

She shrugged, pressing her lips together again.

Seeing Mirélle so wrapped around herself and so formal was odd; however, she made an effort to smile, even when it seemed like she wasn't completely present.

Taking a deep breath, I placed the paper bag on the arm-length kitchen counter as I motioned her to follow me. "You're so awkward. Please, make yourself at home! What is it that they say in Spanish? _Mi_ something-something, _su_ something?"

Relieving me with a giggle, she said, " _Mi casa es su casa._ What have you been watching?"

"A lot of things," I said with wide eyes, grinning. "Seriously! Relax!" and I pushed her further into the room. She looked around again, glancing at the bookshelf and the miniature TV. "I thought that the day I'd see you _this_ uneasy would be the day when Hell froze over."

With a groan, she rolled her eyes and exhaled heavily. " _Mec,_ it's the first time I'm at your place...and it's kind of small. I feel like if I move, I'll break something."

"Yeah, it's amazing, right?" I laughed. "It's just us here, so you don't have to be so proper! And you won't break anything, so don't worry too much. C'mon."

Hearing myself say it made me realize that it _really_ was _just us two_ — behind closed doors, with no distractions and nothing stopping us. My mind had already wandered off on its own at the comprehension, but the sound of her voice brought me back to Earth.

"You're right," she sighed, removing her scarf and shaking her hair out. "After all, it's just _you_."

"Hey...what the heck's that supposed to mean?!"

The familiar smile came into play as she turned around and removed the jacket, revealing to me just how _revealing_ her clothes were; underneath her overalls, she wore absolutely _nothing_ but an obnoxiously pink _bra (a whole. fucking. bra!)_ and some sort of golden chain that fell from her neck and hugged her waist. I had almost uttered an embarrassing sound at the sight but quickly bit my tongue instead.

" _Jeez_ , you could've just told me that you're naked under that thing! Put some clothes on!"

"I _am_ wearing clothes!" she turned to protest with a pout.

Clenching my fists, I felt my head heat up. She rotated again as she folded the jacket and bent forward, placing it near the pillow. Taking a sharp inhale, I forced my eyes to the balcony on our left as my nails dug into my palms.

_Just don't look. Whatever you do, don't look. And most importantly, don't fantasize about anything. Yes. Sounds like a good plan._

But the movement of her standing straight caught my attention. She placed her long hair to the front, completely exposing her back to me.

 _What the?! She_ must _be doing it on purpose! This is stupid!!!_

I told myself not to look—

_But how could I not look? She was right in front of me! And only...a few inches away from my reach..._

The freckles on her back showered down and blended into her skin at the bend of her waist. A little lower lay two stones, piercing through her back dimples and decorating her body more than it already was.

_Mouthwatering...I never thought I'd want to kiss anything more than her lips._

Every inch of me pounded and once again, my mind had brought up scenarios that wouldn't happen at that specific moment, even though I wanted them to—

When she hummed out a sigh, I was brought to my senses and realized that she was studying the bookshelf. I shook my head furiously, clearing my throat, and desperately wiping my face. Before we could continue standing in the tension-filled silence (which was mostly just me, being thoughtless and horny), I asked her what she wanted to do; if she wanted to eat or watch TV, or _anything_ , really.

"TV sounds good." She smiled, nodding.

"Great." I grinned in return, hoping that my cheeks weren't as red as I thought they were. "What time did you say Jin was picking us up?"

"Huh? Didn't he text you?" questioned Miri, sitting down on my bed gently, as if she was afraid of breaking it.

I shook my head as I flipped on the yellow desk-light before sitting beside her. "All he sent was 'get ready'. If I hadn't known you were going to be here, then I probably would have! Which would then lead to me waiting for a few hours for him in my outing clothes..."

Snickering, she placed a hand to her mouth. "He said at either nine or ten thirty, so we've got... _way_ too much time."

And she was right.

One thing led to another and eventually, we both sat on the bed and against on the wall.

We were watching TV and talking about random things; I had noticed, that when she laughed hard, she didn't cover up her face. She'd turn to me with her face all scrunched up as she leaned forward, trying to catch her breath. It was a real stunner, and it made me crumble.

It was strange, thinking of how I had already seen in her shorts and short dresses before, but only at that moment did I really take in how long her legs were, and how they were faintly dotted.

_I was too busy looking at her thighs._

"Argh, I tried watching this once and almost fainted," she grumbled. "It's the worst."

"Really? I didn't think it was that bad."

"Are you kidding me? The main character is totally overpowered and it's so stupid how the plot gets resolved sometimes."

"Ah, you mean when there's literally no logical solution whatsoever but the author just whips one out of his ass?"

She laughed, nodding. "Exactly! It's so stupid! It was interesting for the first few episodes but then...absolute shit."

"But hey, look at it this way: it's so bad, it's good!"

We continued for a bit, and then she, very _boldly_ , lay down on my bed and put her head on my lap.

I froze, unable to comprehend the situation for a few seconds as the blood rushed to one area of my body. Gulping, I prayed that she wouldn't accidentally feel _me,_ or feel how rapid my pulse was.

It wasn't like it was the first time she did this, but it was the first time she did it while we were both completely sober.

"Hey, if you're tired, I can sit on the floor," I didn't know if I wanted to leave. "And you can sleep properly."

Having someone's head on my lap was bizarre. I felt trapped, but in a good way, somehow; like having a cat lay on you, and you order yourself not to move. Even though, if you did, the cat wouldn't really do anything but lay elsewhere.

"No, no, I'm not going to sleep. I'm just resting a bit," she turned slightly— _oh please,_ no please _, don't move!_ —to look up at me, her pupils wide and inviting. "Are you uncomfortable?"

"No," but she wasn't a cat; she was the girl I had a crush on, and she was half-naked, _and her head was on my Goddamn lap._ "I just don't want your head to hurt while you watch this _great_ show!"

She chuckled as she turned away again, and I slowly let out the exhale I held in. "No, this is fine."

"Right."

I placed a hand between my legs, hoping to circumvent any kind of contact her head may have with _me_.

_Man, why do I end up in these situations?! Would it be right to blame Jin for this, too? I'm losing my mind here!_

A few seconds passed and I felt awkward; there was something bulging out of my pants and I desperately felt the need to make the situation at least _feel_ normal. "Do you mind if I played with your hair?"

_That's normal, right?_

"Hm? No, that's all right."

And so I did, and it was an oddly soothing sensation; in spite of a few tangles, her hair was soft and lush all over, even softer than I had imagined it to feel, compared to how it was last weekend.

I wasn't the only one to enjoy it, either; she hummed out a sigh as her chest fell in, and I knew I was doing something right. Without warning, she held on to my leg and delicately stroked her fingers on it. Each exhale came out shakier than the one before it.

_I think I'm sweating. In the car it was different; it was outside, in public, with a ton of distractions and people around us._

_But now, we're alone together...in my apartment...the only thing between us was_ us _._

Minutes passed as the sound from the TV blurred into the background; I wasn't sure how long, but it felt like it was too long since we last said anything to each other.

Gently caressing her hair, I let out a chuckle. "Ah, and here's where the hero miraculously saves the day."

I waited for her response but it never came. Leaning forward marginally, I saw that she was completely dormant; breathing evenly with her eyes shut tight. Lowering the volume of the TV, I continued to fondle with her locks as my eyes lead themselves to the rest of her body. My heart hammered harder the more I focused on the little openings of her overalls, exposing more of her skin to me.

The dip of her waist was the hardest not to touch; clenching my teeth, I forced my eyes to the TV.

"Hide,"

Mirélle awoke me, calmly nudging my shoulder. Blinking away the sleep, I looked to her on my left. "I called Jin. He said he'd be here in thirty minutes, I think."

I rubbed my eyes, flustered at the idea of her seeing me sleep, before darting my gaze straight to my pants.

_Remnants. Oh, if there's a God out there, thank you._

"I'm sorry, I made you sleep while sitting down," the sadness in her voice was unbelievable. "Do you want to continue sleeping, but properly?"

The urge to completely engulf her in my arms was strong, and I couldn't help but laugh at her suggestion. "No, I can sleep in the Jeep! Besides, if there are only thirty minutes left, then we gotta get moving. I'll make some breakfast. Sound good?"

"All right..."

Ah jeez, not again. "Cheer up! I'm glad you slept!"

She giggled faintly. "I'm glad you did, too."

Turning off the TV, I got up and stretched before heading towards the bathroom.

The thought of her made me grin, which I suppressed as I bit my lip. Sometimes, fake smiling my way through the day got me tired, but with her, it didn't seem like I needed to do that as much; even after the first night, I knew that there was something...divergent.

My mind ran to memories of Kaneki and the CCG as I washed my face and brushed my teeth. Afterward, I strolled back to the abruptly empty room, gathering several items for the road-trip. We were going to spend an entire day or two _...heck,_ I wasn't even sure where, so I filled my backpack to the brim.

"Miri?" I noticed the air from the balcony faintly blow on the light blue curtains.

It was eight-thirty-three and the sun was shining brightly on Miri's brown legs, and my eyes began taking in every undulation of her figure once again. Swiftly, I shook my head from bombarding thoughts, wrenching my eyes away from the shadows on her back — what would it feel like to touch her at the curve—

_OK, OK. Stop. Think about food. You need to eat. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!_

"Oi, Miri!" I called out, focusing on her hair. It took every inch of me to not hug her from behind.

 _Where my hands would lead themselves into her overalls and_ —

 _Holy Hell,_ stop _._

She playfully grinned at me over her shoulder. The expression simply made me bloat with contentment.

"Did you eat breakfast before coming here or no?"

"I'm eating right now!"

"What? What are you eating?"

She then waved a cigarette over her shoulder, making something within me prick unpleasantly. Absently pressing my teeth together, I shook my head. "Come on...you have to _actually_ eat something."

"Yeah, I will," she nodded. "As soon as I'm done."

A groan crawled out of my lungs from the sudden irritation. Stomping forward and onto the balcony, I rested against the railing and blew at her. The stench of the cigarette wasn't the only thing that tickled my nose.

"Did you put on some perfume?" it was alcohol.

As she blew out smoke, she nodded, scratching the back of her neck. "Do you like it?"

Shaking my head, I scoffed. "You smelled better when you first arrived." The statement made her pout again, and I told her not to make such a face. "You're clueless! You don't know what that does to me!"

"Huh?"

I grabbed the cigarette from her fingers.

" _Hé_ , _c'est quoi ce bordel?!"_ she exclaimed, frowning at me as she tried to retrieve the cancer stick.

" _Oi,_ give me a proper answer. Did you eat or not?" I tried to scowl, and it seemed like it was a struggle for her to keep the grimace on her face, too.

She shook her head and elongated an exhale, looking below. "No _, con."_

"Sh! Come inside and let's eat! I'll make some food for you, all right?"

"Can I at least finish my cigarette?"

Squinting, I threw it down to the street, which made her gasp. "No," I earned another glare.

Stepping close to me, she placed her finger under my chin and tilted my head up slightly, as if she wanted to take a better look at me." _T'es veinard t'es beau, con,"_ she muttered before giving me a sarcastic smile and walking back into the room.

" _Oi,_ what did you say?!"

Following her, I proceeded to make breakfast. We sat at the little counter that poorly separated the 'kitchen' and room, across from each other as we ate from our bowls of rice. She frantically ate from the laver and fish, and she was practically inhaling the soup, as though she hadn't eaten in weeks. Not once did she stop to breathe. I smiled to myself as I watched, glad that she was stuffing herself.

"Aren't you going to eat, too?" she asked me with a mouthful.

"I will, but I'm getting full just _watching_ you." I couldn't help but laugh. "This is a stupid question, but do you like the food?"

" _Yes,_ it _is_ a stupid question. And you're a good cook!"

"Hell yeah, I am!"

"I'll come over more often," she giggled. "So that I can eat more from you."

A blush crept up my cheeks. "I'll happily make you more food!"

"Hm...I should make you food sometimes, too."

The sun began to illuminate the empty spaces of my apartment, and the winds of the early morning changed to that of a spring breeze, bringing hope to us that it wasn't going to be a blistering cold journey to _wherever the hell it was we were going._


	13. ⦋ Joint Signals ⦌

— _**2018**_

 _**word count** _ _—_ _2836_

♪

Our knees touched from time to time, leaving me somewhat distracted.

"How come you're single?"

A long pause followed after the question I had asked; she glanced at me, furrowing her eyebrows as she scratched the back of her neck. "I don't really...date. The last time I was actually in a relationship, I was _so_ young...I don't even know if it counts." She laughed.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Why's that?"

She shrugged. "No time, I guess. _Et_ I don't want to be in a relationship like the one Hana-chan and Domoto are in."

"What do you mean?" even though Domoto and Esashi appeared close, the words that Miri had mumbled only proved that my speculations on the couple were right.

"Look...I'm sure there are some things that you've noticed at first glance," she eyed me. "You can tell just by _looking_ at them that it's not...perfect. That it's not _normal._ That it's mostly dead. There's very little connection between them."

"Then I don't think I paid as much attention to them as I thought I did," I muttered, studying the shift of emotion on her features.

"It's just...when it's good, it's all right. But when it's bad...you don't even want to know. _Comme,_ a lot of the time, he stares at other girls _more_ than he looks at her, and pretends to look somewhere else. Hana would complain about how they've lost interest in the same things and how they have nothing to talk about anymore. They've been together for only a year and..." she shook her head. "I don't like it when that happens. I don't want to be in something similar to that...it's a bit scary."

"Honestly, I'm not sure how relationships are supposed to be, but that sounds...bad. Kaneki and I would only fantasize, but he was more of a dreamer than I am." I shrugged. "What would you rather be in, then? What's your ideal relationship?"

" _Je crois, q_ _uant à moi,_ it'll definitely have to be all about...having a good understanding of one another, despite arguments or such. And I know that the 'honeymoon phase' is something that fades over time, but... _je ne sais pas_ , I wish it didn't. I don't want mine to, at least not after _just_ a year."

"It makes sense," nodding, I raised a brow. "What kind of stuff do you do that keeps you from getting into a relationship, then?"

_That's not obvious at all. Really._

"Hm...for starters, I'm not sure I'm ready to be in one, just yet. Then there's work _and_ university." She reached for the back of her neck. "And then...there are the hobbies that I wouldn't like to give up on and other stuff."

"That's...understandable," I hid some things from her, just as it appeared that she hid things from me. "Having a relationship might distract you. And it might make your partner unhappy if you spend most of your time away from them."

" _Exactement._ I am already afraid of being in an unhappy, uninteresting relationship, so I would rather be single."

"You'd rather do other things..." something within me hammered.

"No..." she hesitated. " _Je veux dire..._ I had a lot of time on my hands growing up, so I did a lot of things to keep myself occupied that didn't really have to do with other people. I didn't have many friends after we moved from the 1st ward to the next, and ended up here...and I barely had any in France."

_She moved from the first ward...? Where CCG's main office is..._

"When you're biracial in Japan, being considered a 'citizen' is kind of tough. The friends that I made as a kid...well, _t'sais_ , life happens and suddenly, I'm alone." She fell silent afterward, picking up the last pieces of rice and dropping them, over and over again.

"Were you lonely?"

_I wonder if she still feels like she is._

Gulping and pushing her bowl to the side, she shrugged as her hand constantly made contact with her neck. "More or less, _mon chou."_

"You told me that I don't have to pretend around you," I muttered with my head low, looking up at her. "Should I be telling you the same thing?"

A faint smile brightened her features. "It happened so long ago. When I entered university...things changed. Things got...a little better. I met Sumi and she introduced me to Hana, who then introduced me to her boyfriend, who wasn't her boyfriend back then, and since they attended your university, we all formed this little group that we're in. And then, I met you."

"Why did it take you so long? What happened?" Even though I had asked, I knew that it was a bit too soon to have her open up to me. _I don't think I should've asked._

"A lot of things happened over the years..." she looked away, as though recalling her past. "Around me, _to_ me. _Something_ happened _..._ and it completely traumatized me. I was taken—"

Then her phone rang, disrupting the conversation and making my eyes roll _so hard_ that my eye sockets began to ache.

_Saved by the bell, I guess._

She stood and faced the balcony, beginning to talk in French but then quickly switching to Japanese after a swift apology.

_I was getting her to open up...I had already cried in front of her, and the need to comfort her was my only goal._

_Well...that, and trying to uncover what she does in her spare time. And her connections to Ghouls and the CCG._ Without _malicious intent._

 _Then again, I_ could _follow her..._

I stood up as well and cleared the counter, placing some food in Bentos and shoving them into my bag. After washing our bowls and putting them away, I watched her as she played with her necklace.

"That was Jin," she muttered, turning to look at me as she placed the phone on the counter. "He said he'll be here in five minutes."

"Yeah, right," I rolled my eyes. "Last week, when we went to the café _,_ he told me to be there at six but I waited for three hours. I even took a nap at my table."

" _Quoi?"_ she let out a laugh as she walked towards me." _Tais-toi!_ We literally arrived at, _comme..._ six-fifteen or thirty."

"You guys arrived at nine."

"That's such a lie, Hide!" shaking her head, she straightened her posture, looking at me again as she tried to chase away her grin. _She's so cute like this._ " _Merde,_ shouldn't you go and get dressed already? We're done eating and Jin's going to be here soon!"

"Ah, fine!" chuckling, I agreed and walked around her to the restroom, but stopped for a brief second. "Hey, I should've asked this when you first entered, but...how did you get here? Did Jin send you the directions to my place?"

Twirling to meet my gaze, she pressed her lips together and scratched the back of her neck again. "Yup."

But...this time, I chose to second guess her words. "Really?"

Furrowing her brows, she repeated, "Yeah, how else would I be able to get here?"

"I don't know," I squinted at her as my heart began to pound. "You tell me." However, as soon as the air around us shifted, I returned to my position in front of her and smiled. "C'mon, I won't judge!"

"What makes you think Jin didn't send me your location?"

"I know Jin enough to know that it would slip his mind." _What with everything going on with his kind._

She bit her lip, shaking her head. "You'll...think of me differently."

"I won't," absentmindedly, I placed a hand on her cold, bare arm and squeezed gently. "I promise!"

"You'll hate me!" there was an incomprehensible fear in her eyes when she gazed at me. "You say that you won't, but I know better."

"Sounds like it happened before," I tried to tease.

"It didn't, but there's a first time for everything..."

"C'mon, I feel like I've known my whole life! Don't you trust me?"

"It'll really freak you out..."

"Try me," smirking, I tilted my head as I gently pushed her hair back. "Worst case scenario; I don't go with you for the weekend."

" _Arée,_ what a way to convince me."

"I'm being truthful," staring at her curiously, I kept my features light. "If it bothers you that much, then I get it." I held her arm again, regret making me grit my teeth.

_I shouldn't force her._

Kaneki never told me what was going on with him at home for me to understand that there was a lot of pain and sadness surrounding him. The day he left his aunt's house was the day it felt like he was a bit happier than he used to be.

Mirélle appeared frightful just to how I'd react. She gazed at me silently, studying my eyes and features as if she were looking for deceit. I felt myself tremble as I allowed my smile to widen.

"It's all right, Miri-chan."

"I'd hate myself if I don't tell you," she let out a half-hearted chuckle. "I already felt bad..."

"I'm all ears and my arms are _wide_ open."

"Well..." running her fingers through her brown hair, she sighed. "Remember the first night we met? At the Festival? And the day after, at the café?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember how I said I'd look you up? How I study for cybersecurity? How I'm good at finding people...?"

"I don't think you ever mentioned that last part,"

Her expression shifted once more. "Oh...well, I'm good at finding people. That's it."

I rubbed my cheek, which was progressively heating up. "...Huh."

"I'm sorry," she stepped towards me, appearing distressed. "I...I didn't want to freak you out, but that's the truth. I should've asked you for it instead."

"So...what you're saying is that you're also a stalker?" I half-smiled, nearly closing the gap between us.

"I'm _not_ a stalker...would you call the police stalkers? Or the FBI?"

"Well...to some extent, they _kind_ of are, but they're just doing their job, ya know?" I flicked her nose and turned the other way.

"Ah, wait, Hide," she grumbled, rubbing her nose. "Speaking of...do you mind if I see your laptop?"

"What now?" even though I had forced a sigh, I reached for the laptop in the drawer and placed it on the counter.

"I'll just update a few things, all right?"

"Go nuts!"

When I was done with the quick shower, I wore a green button-down and purple shorts for the long weekend ahead. I saw her leaning over the PC, typing away expertly; it sounded like there were three people at the keyboard.

Her hair was up and she chewed on her lip, completely absorbed by the device in front of her.

"Don't eat your own mouth like that," I chuckled, drying my hair with a towel. "How will I kiss you?"

"Hey," she stood up straight and stretched, either ignoring what I said or not hearing it (which I was okay with). "You _really_ needed an update on your antiviruses." She started again, and I almost laughed at the speed she was typing in. "It was just _that_ easy for me to find you _."_

I put my hands up in defense. "Look, bro, I'm just the detective. I don't do all that tech stuff," I snickered as I approached her. "Oh, right, did you find anything on me that would make you run the other way?"

She shook her head. "I didn't look. I just wanted to find your location, which I did."

For some reason, I felt relieved. "How? Explain!"

"Your phone. GPS."

"You pinged my phone?!"

With a sigh, she rolled her eyes. "I pinged my friend's phones."

"Don't you think that's a bit much?"

She gave me a look that said, 'what a dumb thing to say'. "You can do the same thing with social media nowadays. It's not like I check up on it all the time...if I ever get worried about someone, at least I know where they are."

For a brief moment, I wondered if she could've done the same thing to Kaneki's phone, but I didn't know if he even had it on him, wherever he was.

Shaking my head, I let out a sigh. "Fine, I'll admit it...that's pretty badass," then I smirked. "Maybe we really _would_ make a great team."

Her demeanor softened as she smiled, and her playfulness returned. "Really? What is it that you do that would complement my skills, Hide?"

Taken aback for a split second, I let out an exhale as I scratched my head. "I, uh..."

_Might as well tell her now, right? It's not like we're vastly different._

"I follow people."

She squinted as she studied me. "You follow...?"

"People that look suspicious, mostly. It's not specific; the person could be a male or a female, or even a kid. And, not to freak _you_ out, but I also...'ping' them, in ways...then follow them to wherever they go. If I happen to be following a criminal, I usually tip the police. And if I get lucky, and it's a Ghoul, I report it to the CCG...but that's also if they deal in extremes."

Abruptly, her expression changed; her smile widened and so did her eyes, but she covered up her mouth as she began to laugh.

"What?" I exclaimed. "It's not that different from what you do!"

"Exactly," she continued to grin as she hit me in the chest. "It's _not._ And you had me worried that I was doing something wrong by pinging your phone..."

"For the record, I don't follow my friends or track them!"

"I don't follow them, either!" even though it was a serious topic, we found a way to make light of it. If it were someone else, they wouldn't have seen me the same way. "If they ever just...don't answer their phone, or if they call me in cases of emergency, it would be easy for me to find them. I'm putting my skills to good use here."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Miri-chan."

" _Tais-toi,"_ her smile never faded. She began chewing her lip as she hummed, deep in thought. "Maybe...maybe we really could be a team. Of something..."

Interrupting her reverie, I spoke loudly. "All right, teammate! Now's not the time! Would you put on a shirt already?"

She groaned and rolled her eyes.

"I swear, I'm distracted! Everywhere I look, I see... _you..._ "

_And it sends me to another planet. Where I'm holding you and kissing you._

_Always._

Even though she moaned and whined again, she eventually complied and strode to her bag to pull out a short, green shirt with white stripes.

"Hey! We sort of match!"

Her beam faded almost immediately. "Turn around."

"Ah, finally."

"Better?"

I rotated and swiftly took her in, a smile almost immediately stretching my lips. "Yeah, _much!"_

"You look good, too," she said, returning to my side and in front of the laptop. " _T'es trop beau."_

"So do you," it was as if the sound of her voice controlled me somehow; I stepped closer. " _T'es trop beau!"_

"No," she giggled. "I think that only works for men. What are you trying to say?"

"That you're beautiful. Y'know, to return the compliment..." I scratched my face.

"Hmm...I think you can say, _tu es belle._ "

"OK. _Tu es belle!!"_

" _Merci,_ Hideyoshi. See? You're a fast learner."

"As I said, I have a good teacher!"

We gazed at each other for a few seconds, but she blinked and shook her head gently. "Ah, this is the place we're gonna go to, by the way," she turned the laptop to me. "Pretty, right?"

Swallowing, I turned to face the device. "Real romantic," I sighed, leaning forward on the counter to scroll through the images of the cabin. "Super European, or Western. The advertising here is strong."

"More European. The way they're designed is very...Europe."

As I continued to look through the pictures and short descriptions about the compound, through my peripheral vision, I noticed Mirélle staring at me. When I turned to her, her eyes immediately focused on the screen to her side; she didn't even have to move to make it look like she wasn't staring.

I tried to shake off the perception, but it only lingered longer, making me blush more.

"What do you think?" she asked quietly, keeping her voice between us. "Do you like it?"

"Huh?" I glanced at her, not knowing if I were blushing to the point where it was visible. "Ah, yeah. It looks awesome. I mean, I understand the appeal; it looks good enough for a couples getaway but also for a group of friends."

"Mhm," she agreed happily. "It's not amazing or anything but it's surely a lot of fun. Plus, there's an onsen! So I really hope you enjoy it as much as we do."

"I'm sure I will," tension grew between us as I stood up straight and turned to her. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Don't thank me," it was then that her phone rang and she flipped it to me. "Thank _this guy."_

"Yeah, he invited me, but so did you."

_No...not again! Damn phone...!_

She answered the phone not a second later, running a hand through her hair as she walked towards the bed to get the jacket. "He said he's downstairs waiting." She muttered with a deep sigh, putting the phone into the pocket of her overalls. "Are you excited for the road trip?"

I threw on my backpack and took a hold of her wrist after she carried hers. "Yes! As should you be!"

However, a part of me worried about what was going to come out of the road trip.


	14. ｛ Duality ｝

— _**2018  
**_

_**[ explicit content** 2.5/5 **]**_

_**word count** _ _— 5264_

**_[Mirélle]_ **

❀

Being around Hide was the easiest thing to do.

The armor that I had to put on every day just to get me through the week, weighed me down as the strange feeling I could only describe as black and blue, grew. Every day only got worse and I only felt heavier, but being around Hide...

It was safe.

It was safe to take that armor off. It was safe to let go and think about the trivial things without feeling like there was a leech on my back, sucking out my blood. And it was safe to cry about the realization of how _light_ I could be.

Unlike my emotions, the concept of comfort distorted in my brain, allowing images of others to materialize in my mind's eye.

_Harada Jin. Yamashiro Haru. Guan Tzuching. Delafose Sumie._ _Nagachika Hideyoshi._

Among _several_ others. The conviction of having myself 'open' only around certain people deformed what was a reality, but I couldn't find a flaw in it. Then I recognized that: if I could be utterly naked to a handful of people, it was all right with me if _they_ were that handful.

_What a risk, to add in someone new that I had only met three weeks ago. I'm being senseless._

_But Hide's someone I felt comfortable with; so comfortable that it was on the night that I drank with him for the first time that I almost caved in and left myself susceptible to his contemplation. After that first night...did he hear my voice? Or did he see what the others saw: a girl in shorts that spread her legs after one too many?_

_It wasn't malicious or dirty. It felt..._

_Never mind. It felt stupid._ _The fact of the matter is: I am_ that _girl. But..._

_I'm so fucking confused._

"I thought he was already here?!" Hide complained, scratching his cheek.

"That's what he told me! _Arée_ , he must've told us to go downstairs earlier than we had to."

"Why would he do that?"

Embarrassed, I reached for my necklace and dragged the golden bird from side to side. "I think it's my fault; he's used to telling me to leave the house five minutes prior to actually arriving at my place."

"Huh?" Hide was still bewildered, and I couldn't stop thinking to myself just how cute he looked. "But why? Do you wait for him for five minutes?"

"No...I receive his call and I'm given a final five minutes to gather up all my things and be there _right_ when he arrives. Sometimes we reach at the same time, other times, I'm a minute or two early or vice versa."

"Jeez, an entire step-by-step plan."

I laughed. "You could say that."

With a sigh, Hide mumbled under his breath, and the urge to hold him was all that was on my mind. It only kept building up inside of me as we stood on the pavement in the morning sun, waiting for Jin and the rest to arrive. The breeze was cool enough for it to feel like winter, to put on a jacket and a scarf, but the sun was bright enough to burn my bare legs and put an arm over my eyes.

_Orange and brilliant, and comfortably windy. Like the man standing next to me._

It took less than a minute for me to decompose and assemble myself after all that had happened in his apartment; the slight touches, playful teases, careful arousals — simply _he,_ made my toes curl. 

_"Whatever caused that change within you, make sure you hold onto it!"_

I had been doing so well that, after so long, Guan Tzuching had praised me, which wasn't something she did often but when she did, she _meant_ it.

Initially, it brought a smile to my face, but thinking back on it had made me slightly scoff, for I was convinced that there wasn't such a massive shift in my performance.

 _What change? I didn't change at all. I'm still struggling with balance and I'm still unforgivably slow in certain areas: I don't think I changed._ _What was new? What could've been_ so _different that my stone-faced teacher would praise me for?_

The idea had me shaking my head; however, amongst the storm stood a man in radiant hair, a handsome smile along his attractive features and the daintiest curve running down his irresistible neck.

And I scoffed again.

_Nagakchika? Not a chance._

_"Be your own anchor. If not, then find one, and never let go."_

_"Someday, you'll meet someone whose_ _mere existence will ease your pain."_

All these phrases echoed around me, disguised in the voice of Tzuching, and I couldn't understand why.

To my right, he stood and played with the back of my fingers, knowing how it made me feel. I glanced at him from time to time as we spoke, admiring the way his strawberry blonde hair fell over his face and the little smile that tinted his cheeks in crimson.

Out of all the things I wanted to engulf myself in, out of all the emotions that pumped through me, there was only one that stood out to me the most:

 _Complete and utter confusion_.

 _I can't be_ that _lucky, right?_

_Impossible; surely impossible._

But then his fingers lightly entwined with mine like vines on a tree, and the feeling of his warm skin ignited my insides with galvanic currents.

"Is this all right?" he questioned, oddly arousing me. His words fell in drowsy fragments, and I looked at him as a valiant smile appeared on my face; he looked back, giving me one of his own and almost making my heart implode.

"Yes," I was barely shaking my head.

_Too handsome, Hideyoshi._

"Are you still tired?" he continued with a half-smile, letting go of me and allowing the cold to coil throughout my bones again. "I thought that after all that computer work, you'd be wide awake."

Shaking my head, I turned to him. "Yeah, you'd think that but I just want to sleep. This week was crazy..." none of it was a lie, but it wasn't what was devouring my soul either.

_Tonight had to be the night._

"I hear you," he agreed, raising his brows as comprehension blanketed his handsome features. "We'll just rest in the Jeep together. There'll be more space this time," and he chuckled in such a way that awoke goosebumps along my limbs.

_There's no doubting it. There's no second-guessing. It had to happen tonight. This has gone far enough._

But he stirred feelings in me that brought back the nostalgia of having a crush on someone — _which was absolutely ridiculous._

Without warning, he placed his hands on my arms and brought them down to my wrists, gingerly flirting with my fingers and gently pressing onto my palms.

"Make up your mind," I joked casually, but couldn't keep myself together.

"Man, I don't know what to do!" he let go again and caressed my hair before his fingers made their way to my neck like they had the previous night. "Don't pressure me!"

My insides kindled once more in blazing, fiery licks; all my senses came to life. I lifted my face to his and kissed his cheek, hoping that such an action would get even the littlest amount of my perplexing emotions and cravings across. His arresting brown eyes widened and his face went red, and I wondered how someone could be so alluring in the simplest of ways.

_I should've gone for his neck._

"What was that for?" he questioned naively.

" _I don't know,"_ I shrugged, reprimanding myself for not going in again. "I just felt like doing it."

The reality was that I _felt_ like doing a _lot_ more, primarily when we were at his little apartment. However, I had fallen victim to the hands of comfort that choked me around him; I had allowed my guard to fall as his beautiful fingers played with my hair and my lust shifted to a few minutes of dreamless sleep.

_He was right on top of me. I could've, at the very least, sucked him off and he'd send me home, and I'd finally, never see him again. The deed would be done; he'd receive what he overstayed for._

_Just when things were getting interesting, I_ somehow _fell asleep._

_But how dare I think in such a way, after all the time we'd spent with one another? How dare I downplay the connection that we have...?_

"Did you put on some perfume?" he had asked when we were standing on his balcony.

 _No. It's sak_ _é_ _._ "Do you like it?"

_Even the alcohol did me no good. How will this end if there were so many interruptions? It wasn't meant to last this long, to begin with. This was the slowest kill._

"Can I do what I feel like doing, then?"

_A kiss. Out of the question._

I ended up giggling, biting my lip, and teasing him. "I don't know. Can you?"

He leaned close and it felt like thunder striking me from above; my body trembled at the scent and feel of his breath on my face and it took all my strength to hold myself back from leaning forward myself, from letting my lips brush against his.

"If you let me..." his teased back, hitting me right where it hurt as his hands found mine again, tensing.

My guts were tightening in leather-based knots at the sound of his voice; deep and controlled when he'd put himself close to me. It took me way past the point of being pleased – I was virtually on cloud nine, solely high off of his vocal cords.

"... _I think I'm falling in love with you,_ Hideyoshi."

_No...I can't be feeling this way. I mustn't allow myself to. It might not be as safe as I think it is._

_This is just a hit and run. As it always is. This one just took longer to execute._

_Or am I in too deep?_

His eyelids drooped faintly, alluring me and pulling me closer; I tilted my head to the side as my lungs fought for air, my body shuddering in its own earthquake.

"Me too," he replied a little too late and a little too out of context, making me giggle as my insides squirmed. I watched his cheeks diffuse in red, and our eyes locked on each other as we moved closer.

A part of me was pulling me back; the part of me that saw no reason in befriending Hide, the part of me that craved only his sighs and his sweat. But the other part begged me to push forward — to make it more than what I thought I wanted it to become. The third of me, riddled with fear and concern, implored me to back away and sever all ties with him, while the fourth of me, the farthest from my conscience, worried about Jin.

Just as I was about to shut my eyes and obey the desire for something deeper than my libido, the sound of Jin's Jeep amplified around us. He beeped at our sight, allowing us to break away awkwardly, as we had done earlier, the night before, and the last weekend.

Hide groaned as he slowly let go of my hands, turning to the road and scratching his head. For a split-second, he glanced at me over his shoulder and his eyes said, _'maybe next time'._

Or...I could've just imagined it.

"Finally!" he complained loudly, and there was nothing more that I wanted at that moment than to grab him and kiss him for a long time; for all the times that we had missed.

 _A kiss meant too much. I shouldn't forget. Between me and myself, a kiss was one step ahead of sex_ — _it was a bit too close to home._

 _I never kissed the men that fucked me, and they knew not to put their mouths on me,_ ever _; we never went out on dates either._

_Maybe Hide...could be the exception. Maybe I could go on a date with him. Maybe...I could kiss him. Attach some strings..._

Letting out another chuckle, I put my hand up to cover my amusement at his reaction. "Ah, my back's killing me."

As Jin pulled up in front of us, we both bowed and greeted them when he lowered the window. Sitting on the passenger seat, as usual, was Fujisaki; someone I only addressed formally and never again became friends with. Even the sight of him ticked me off, making my stomach flip with irritation and disgust.

"Jin!" Hide shouted loudly, slamming his hands onto Fujisaki's rolled down window. "Man, we were waiting out here for twenty minutes! Why didn't you tell us that you'd be here in five minutes instead of telling us to go down so long ago?!"

" _Yah,_ Hideyoshi," Jin yelled back, playfully. "You always exaggerate! It's only nine in the morning, how do you have so much energy?"

"I didn't until you showed up and reminded me how _late_ you are!"

"Hands off the Jeep, and get away from me." Fujisaki grimaced, pushing Hide away from the black vehicle.

" _Arée!_ Don't do that!" the words leaped out of my mouth while my body moved forward; it was as though I had no control over myself.

Hide's eyes met mine and he chuckled, shrugging. "We're just joking around!" When I couldn't think of anything to say, he gave me a wink. "Overprotective over her kōhai!"

" _Shut up,"_ I muttered, biting my lip but quickly sending a glare towards Fujisaki's direction. _Annoying._

Jin got out of the Jeep and opened up the trunk, stuffing mine and Hide's backpack along with the others. Hide proceeded to open the door to the backseat, meanwhile, Jin held me back with a hand around my elbow.

"How are things?" he questioned as he raised a brow, and I wondered if he genuinely cared.

"Things are things," I shrugged, biting the insides of my mouth as I looked to Hide. He was arguing with Sumie about seating arrangements since she was adamant about staying in the middle. "You saw us and you beeped."

"C'mon, it wasn't on purpose," he sighed, but soon smiled. "I'm rooting for you two."

"Ah, of course, you are. I don't think it'll end up how you want it to, though." I walked away and returned to Hide's side, hearing Jin let out an exhale once more as he shut the trunk.

"Miri, can you tell your friend to move?" Hide was really energetic, and his enthusiasm infected me. "How can we sit beside each other if she's in the middle?!"

Biting my lip, I took in a swift inhale. "Sumie, you heard the man," I grinned at the brunette, who wore a shirt I had given her long ago. It was a pretty provocative top for Japan's standards, and it made me wonder why she would wear it on a road trip weekend out of all weekends. "Go _in_ so there's space for us two, together!"

Sumie rolled her eyes but eventually gave in, breathing heavily as she pushed herself to the side and allowed Hide and I to enter. Hana and Domoto were at the back, looking like they were in the middle of another fight; her features were a pinkish-red, and the bags under Domoto's eyes deepened, but they covered it up with smiles, nods and hand-holding. I wanted to ask, but I knew better than to.

And finally, we were on the road; windows down and music up. 

"I haven't seen that shirt in a while," I muttered to Sumie on my left, nodding at the pink top. The more I looked, the more I noticed the curve of her chest, practically bursting out of the low cut. Moving close to whisper, I winked at her. "You look hot in it. Where has it been all this time?"

"Thanks," she grinned, placing strands of her hair behind her ear. I was abruptly consoled as I sat back; we had spent the previous night mostly around tasks and other people, and it felt like I hadn't seen her in a while. "I randomly found it in my closet. I was looking all over for it last week and when I stopped, it suddenly appeared. So annoying."

"Argh, I know how that feels. For the performance, I almost thought I lost my shoes, and when I actually went out to buy a new pair, _boom._ They were right in front of me. I flipped my entire cabinet for nothing!"

"It's annoying,"

"What's annoying?" Hide chimed in after talking with Jin and Fujisaki about university, appearing overly interested in the topic.

"You don't want to know," I smiled at him, to which he returned with a certain look in his eyes. It made me want to sit on his lap all over again, facing forward with my hands on his neck and his lips against mine. Instead, I let out a laugh and covered my cheeks. " _Arée_ , what's with that face?"

"You don't want to know," he sighed, allowing me to hit him on the shoulder. Before I knew it, my cheeks were hurting from how wide I was smiling. _Fuck._ "What?! You're allowed to say it but I'm not?"

"It's girl stuff, Nagachika," Sumie said from my left, as aggressive as she's always been around him. I didn't understand why, but I didn't entirely question it either. She was always like that around certain people, and I supposed that Hide simply brought out that aggression within her. "I doubt you'll be interested in it."

We continued to talk while everyone else around us conversed as well, and when the conversations we were all having with one another died out, I rotated to Hide. We began discussing a show that we were both fans of.

"I just can't believe they killed him," I muttered after a passionate discussion on the show's topic with the brown-eyed boy. "He's a villain, sure, but that character was incredible. The development...that's great writing."

"Right?!" when Hide lit up, I became more excited to talk about it and more excited to talk about _more_ things. "It's true that he's a murderer, but he had good intentions _and_ he didn't go about it stupidly. Now, we just have to overlook the fact that he leveled half of a city."

I shook my head as I sighed. "Not just that; his team creating a bioweapon? _Arée..._ _"_

"That was cool and all, but I don't think it would've been possible. It would blow up in his face."

" _Huh?_ It is, though. Backfiring was a possibility but the chances of it happening weren't high..."

The more invested I became in our time together, the more invested I became in him. It was an indescribable feeling of floating over the clouds and, at the same time, ever so tragically, being shot down with an arrow; excruciating contentment that ended in complete oblivion.

 _No. It's stupid. And childish. What is this? Some story about people that_ just _discovered what it's like to have a boner for someone and_ feel _something at the same time? I'm not fifteen anymore,_ _fuck_ _. At twenty-one, I should know better than to actually_ feel _anything for anyone._

_No. I don't feel anything for him. Some things just got lost in translation.  
_

As we spoke, my eyes traveled to the pink of his lips, the paleness of his neck, and the minor lift of his green dress-shirt, exposing a little bit of his stunning collarbone. The image had me recalling the previous weekend, had me wishing I was a tad more...convincing — but, alas, Sumie and Jin _had_ to get involved.

If they hadn't pulled me off of him, things would've played out much differently. Feeling so imprudently safe around him wouldn't be an option available to me, and I wouldn't have begun attaching myself to him. Like a moth to a flame; Hide was the innocent that I was never meant to have the pleasure of knowing, and I was already on the verge of burning the tips of his wings.

 _But the blame ultimately falls on me, too. Why did I choose to text him so much? Why did I choose to call him when I had time on my hands? Why did I choose to tell_ him _that I was free on Wednesday when I could've called_ anyone _else? Was I hoping to have some sort of quickie in 2 hours?_

_Instead, I told him I was hungry. And we talked, and I flirted, and he cried, and we hugged. Fuck, w_ _hat was this becoming? A relationship?_

But the reminiscence softened my heart— 

_Which is ridiculous. I don't want any of this. None of this should've happened._

_Who am I becoming? I'm beginning to lose sight of myself._

Honestly, why was I beginning to blush like a fool and giggle like someone who had just discovered what a crush felt like; what it felt like to have such a suffocating feeling returned? Hide wasn't the first man to ever say dirty things to me, either; maybe the first one to do it so openly and publicly, but still — _not_ the first. And yet...I couldn't control myself around him. The entire scenario was infuriating.

_Get a grip. You're not fifteen anymore._

I should have kissed him the night before; when his hand rested upon the sensitivity of my neck, or even before that; when we were at the picnic table, so boldly flirting and moving in for the kill in front of everyone around us.

_He was so handsome last night; I forgot to tell him how good he looked._

_I was surprised I managed to keep my hands off of him at all._

The kiss would've opened up the door to what should've happened last week, and we would've had sex, and that would be the end of it. An open and shut case.

 _Now, I'm all but contradicting myself. How could I kiss him and still think I could have attachment-free sex with him? Even if he's using me for my body, I_ know _I'm far too deep..._

_A kiss. What did a kiss mean, really?_

_What did I truly want with Nagakchika?_

_A kiss would change it all, but wouldn't a fling change things, too?_

_...Did I want something more?_

However, it felt like there were other forces at play. Nevermind my friends cock-blocking us; there were other factors. There were _strings_. The universe had come between my desires and his body and slipped in a little thing called "feelings".

I couldn't help but mentally roll my eyes.

Our conversation was beginning to fade and Hide took it as a sign of lethargy, causing him to exclaim, "If you're tired, you can rest on my shoulder!"

His everlasting exuberance really intoxicated me. "...Isn't that a bit much?"

"Huh? No, why would it be?" he leaned closer to me and whispered. "It's not as bad as sitting on my lap with the others around us..."

My cheeks went off again and I let out a laugh that was a bit too loud. Nodding, I pressed my lips together. _"You're right. Thanks."_

—was what I meant to say, but what I actually said was, "We could've done worse."

His cheeks went rosy at the comment as he chuckled attractively. "Is that an invitation?"

 _I can't take it._ " _Arée_ , I'm not doing this in front of everyone."

"You started it!"

I was already giggling, already absurdly exhilarated and filling to the brim with butterflies. Biting my lip, my hands found my hair, which I used to cover up my face. He began to tease me once again, and I wanted to cry from how happy I was feeling.

When I thought back to my speculations, I wondered and asked myself: _how could I be so mean?_

It was apparent that Hide cared about me, but the emptiness behind the motive as to 'why' didn't add up. In my head, it didn't make sense.

But his influences must've been like mine; _a quick fling_ — right? The way he looked at my body imprinted the thought and made it a reality. I was convinced.

We both just wanted to fuck each other. It was nothing but an animal instinct.

Suddenly, another memory surfaced itself; the memory of last weekend, when I was all but drunk as I sat behind Jin, and Sumie sat beside me after we had dropped Hide home.

"What the heck was that?" questioned an angry Jin.

"What?" I responded almost as aggressively, but was too high off of Hide; I remembered it well, even though I was out of my right mind. "We were having fun."

"That's not something you just _do_ anymore," Jin's tone took the role of a figure I never had; it was stern and unapologetic. "You're a different person now. And," he paused for a sigh that was dragged out from the bottom of his lungs. "It's _okay_ to _like_ him."

"What do _you_ know?" I had immediately regretted such a daft question. "You might be right and I am different, but...it's been a few years. I mean...he looked like he was into it."

"I haven't been trying to pull you off him for you to say that," Sumie growled, pushing my shoulder with a force I wasn't expecting. "I think he actually _likes_ you. He doesn't just want...you know."

I rolled my eyes, letting out an exhale. "He's just really cute. Bad habits die hard. Plus, how do you know if he likes me or not? You've only seen us interact for a few hours. It was nothing more but foreplay."

"Just admit that it's more than that," Sumie continued with determination. "That you actually _like_ him."

"Don't be ridiculous," I scoffed. "I just _met_ the guy. I don't have crushes anymore...I'm not in high school."

Sumie groaned again. "High school? You make it sound like adults can't _like_ each other! And you do have a crush on someone, and that's Nagachika. He likes you too, so make the most out of it! Or honestly, I'll ask him out myself."

Something inside me had burned as the taste in my mouth went bitter. "Go ahead, Sumichan. You can have him." Shaking my head, another scoff parted my lips as I crossed my arms.

Jin sighed once more as he lit a cigarette and rolled down his window.

"It's better for her," a drunken Fujisaki said to Jin. "To not be with someone like that." He turned to look at me and I only grimaced at him. "I think you made the right choice...Mirélle."

"It's Uchiyama to you," I had hissed, looking out the window. "And you have no say in my choices, _idiot._ "

The recollection of the conversation made me mentally roll my eyes again. I had known that they only had what was best for me at heart and mind, but putting words and thoughts in my head didn't make the situation any better; it only perplexed me further.

 _I like him, I don't like him_ — _did it matter, at all?_

After flirting for a little bit and then proceeding to converse like _normal_ friends —as normal as things went with Hide— I took his offer and leaned on his shoulder as my hands rested on my lap. All of a sudden, he held one of them and started to play with my fingers. I tried my best not to be affected, but the insects had already awoken.

"Your hands are so small," he said in a low voice, pleasing me with the vibrations of his vocal cords. "How did I not notice it earlier?"

And when he laughed... _fuck_. My eyes were beginning to water at the profound sensation that unfurled within me.

"Your hands aren't that big either," I responded, holding his fingers as well. A desire to simply kiss them came over me, but I shoved it to the side.

 _Foreplay wasn't something I indulged myself in_ — _yet another contradiction._ _Was this going to lead to sex at all?_

It was dumb to assume it to be anything but a fling. I highly suspected that anyone could ever give me that much. No one would give me the time of day.

Not even Nagachika Hideyoshi.

He hummed as his playfulness hushed, and he firmly held on to my hand. An abrupt feeling of safety blanketed over me at the tightness of his grip, but I tried to make light of the situation.

"Say 'no' to racism," I laughed, pointing out the difference in our skin color. He laughed as well, before squeezing my hand too tight and making me squirm.

"You suck at jokes, don't make them."

We argued and laughed for a bit as I felt myself become so overjoyed by his presence. "Whatever. I'll go to sleep."

We didn't hold hands because I refused to, but his delicate touch traveled to my wrist and he dangerously rubbed his thumb along the sensitivity of the joint. My eyes drooped from how relaxed I was; his shoulder wasn't the most comfortable place to rest, and neither was his lap, yet somehow, I felt the whole weeks' worth of exhaustion pull my eyes shut and knock heavily on my heart.

Somehow, my guard was completely lowered with him, and I needn't fear my life; not from malicious humans or grudge-holding Ghouls.

In the midst of my self-evaluation, Hide muttered my name and told me that he was going to remove my scarf. With a gentle acceptance, it was out from the bottom of my neck and around my legs, like a blanket.

"Better?"

The Jeep wasn't as cold as the outside, but it did feel better. Nodding, I leaned on his shoulder once more, where he stubbornly took my hand in his. My thumb rested on his pale wrist, where I felt the quickness of his pulse, and I was reeling at the sensation.

 _I must really be losing it. Trust nobody, remember? Remember what_ he _did to you. You don't want to go through that again, do you?_

But when I really looked at him...

Everything else faded to black. And when he smiled, everything seemed to be better than it actually was. We messed around and the emptiness inside me shrunk, we flirted and I was shoved back into that state of a young, growing infatuation, filled with giggles and red cheeks and shaking fingers.

I could forget about my fears and fall into him, and we would laugh and crack jokes and tease, and when we'd kiss, it'll last for hours, and when we'd make love, it would be until the sun rose.

It's what I had imagined before going to sleep, anyway—when sleep would welcome me. I'd bite my lip and feel my insides swell with such intense contentment as giddiness made me squeal.

_Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous._

It'd been three weeks.

_There's a flaw in me that can't be unseen._

I belonged to no one. No Ward, no man.

_I'm just a one-night-stand._

Hideyoshi wasn't even that cute.

He was so far from my ideal type, anyway; so far from the last person I had fallen for, and so far from the type of men I gawked at.

Wasn't he the kind of guy who'd chase after every cute girl he sees? _Disgusting._

I just wanted to fuck him. He just wanted to fuck me.

Nothing else, because I was worth nothing more than a good fuck.

Nobody ever wanted anything else.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With italics in quotations, she's speaking in French. Since we're seeing things from Miri's POV, we understand it, however, Hide is hearing it in French, and therefore, doesn't know what she's saying.
> 
> This is what she's been saying:
> 
> "I don't know," - Je ne sais pas
> 
> "...I think I'm falling in love with you," - Je crois que je suis en train de tomber amoureuse
> 
> "Shut up," - Tais-toi


	15. ⦋ Stemming Attractions ⦌

— **_2018_**

 ** _word count_** — _5020_

♪

Sometimes, I wished that Mirélle was shorter than me. Not too much; just a bit, so that she reached my chest in a cute manner and I could rest my chin on the top of her head, or put my arm up on her shoulder — mostly to tease her, if not actually lean on her.

The only times she appeared to be shorter was when she was sitting beside me: last weekend on the beach, on the bench at the festival, on my bed in the morning, and in the Jeep, sleeping on my shoulder.

_Whatever._ _She didn't have to stand on her toes and I didn't have to bend my knees._ _We're in perfect kissing and hugging height, so that's a plus!_

_I'm becoming worse than Kaneki. Why am I suddenly daydreaming so much?_ _  
_

_Ah, it's all just a distraction!_

All in all, I was glad that she was getting more rest since she must've only slept for ten to fifteen minutes at my place. She probably also got home late the night before, what with taking care of the festival and all.

_I really wanted her to sleep on my chest, but I guess my shoulder will do for now._

Jin was driving up a narrow road at a reasonable pace; it was almost ten A.M and the weather was a mix of the glaring sun and a cool breeze.

They were still talking amongst each other and I added my two cents in from time to time, hoping that I wasn't too loud or I accidentally moved too much. Sumie's phone played music through the Bluetooth speakers, so even when the conversation faded out, it wasn't entirely dead quiet.

Mirélle stirred as her fingers faintly loosened around my wrist, and the thought of the other couple came to mind. Hearing the profound aura of silence from the two of them tempted me to look back — which I ended up doing. Each was looking out the window; their hands entwined at the center of the backseat.

"Domoto, Esashi! How many times have you gone on this trip?" I nearly cringed when they looked at me; they didn't glare but they didn't seem too happy either, what with Esashi looking like she was just done crying. _Is this what Mirélle meant?_

Domoto grunted. "This is our third time. We always go to this place, the same chalet every time. I don't really see a point to it; we could just easily chill at Uchi's, Fujisaki's or Harada's place."

"That's true," Esashi agreed, hoping to feel better as she faked a smile. "The chalets are nice; there is a private onsen, but ultimately...going to Miri's place seems more ideal. Harada's apartment is also nice, but her house is bigger; she has everything we would need, and the same goes for Fujisaki. But everyone likes the houses at the top of the mountain and now, it's almost becoming a tradition."

Shrugging, Domoto continued after her, also looking as if he wanted things to settle down between them. "Yeah. Either next weekend or the one after, we'd pitch it to Uchi and see if she's all right with a hangout at her place."

With a sigh, I lightly pressed on Miri's hand. "I wish I was included in these earlier. It's just the beginning for me!"

"Then I hope it's a good experience," said Domoto with a wink before looking out the window again. "All things considered."

Esashi gave out a little laugh, and I was a witness to their short exchange of glances. A part of me was glad that they somewhat made up, while another part of me worried about the girl's well-being.

As nice as Domoto was, I was aware of how much of a dick he could be. There was a place from deep, _deep_ within him that exuded good intention, but overall, he was the kind of guy that would do something wrong _on purpose_ , get 'mad' about it, and fall into the habit of putting up a manly front to back up his pride and never admit to his purposely executed mistake.

Another exhale emptied my chest as I turned forward, thoughtlessly drumming my fingers along Miri's limb. "Jin, why wasn't I ever invited to these things?"

He was startled for a split second before letting out a chuckle and lowering his window once again. As I waited for an answer, I wondered if Ghouls received the same sort of stress-relieved state of mind from cigarettes the way humans did.

"I've invited you to hang out with us on weekends," he murmured. "You'd usually leave early, remember?"

"What does _that_ have to do with anything?"

"It never really got to the point of where I'd ask you. You know what I mean?"

My eyes couldn't help but roll. " _Yeah,_ but we've known each other for a long time! Is it half a year now, or more? I should've been invited!"

"Nagachika," Norio chimed in as he pushed his blonde bangs from his eyes, annoyed. " _This_ is our _third_ trip; you haven't missed out on that much."

"Yeah, well. Thanks for inviting me anyway, Jin. Sorry for always ditching in the past."

"It's not a big deal, Hideyoshi-kun. I'm glad you finally decided to join, even if it _is_ just for Miri."

My cheeks heated. "It's not! You're my friend, too!"

"Yeah, yeah," scoffed Norio. "Yet this weekend, you had no excuse."

"I just wasn't as busy this weekend!"

"Whatever, man."

I was about to start arguing, but Jin spoke up before I could. "Exactly, _whatever._ It doesn't matter! You're here, right?"

There was a smile in his tone, which comforted me in ways. Out of the blue, my phone had vibrated from my pocket. Pulling it out, I saw an email from someone I never recalled giving my email to.

**𝚌𝚑𝚞𝚓𝚊:**  
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙙𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙛𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙪𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙮𝙖𝙢𝙖!

Wincing, I texted a reply with one hand.

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚒 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚟𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚗𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛

**𝚌𝚑𝚞𝚓𝚊:  
𝘸𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵, 𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘬𝘢**

_How the heck did Chuja get my number?!_

Having my phone in my grasp reminded me of something I hadn't done in a while. Clenching my teeth, I let out another exhale.

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝙺𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚔𝚒! 𝚒𝚝 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚜 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞!

𝚊 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚞𝚗𝚒 + 𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚘𝚗 𝚊 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚙 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚊𝚢𝚞!

𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍'𝚟𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚖𝚊𝚗. 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚑𝚎𝚛? 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚒𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚗𝚘 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚒 𝚜𝚞𝚍𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚕𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑, (𝚖𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎)??

𝙸 𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍'𝚟𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛. 𝚜𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚏𝚞𝚗 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚒𝚍𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚝, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚑𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚝𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚢, 𝚍𝚞𝚍𝚎!! 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚔𝚜 𝚝𝚘𝚘! 𝙸 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚠𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍'𝚟𝚎 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚘.

𝚖𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝚞 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍'𝚟𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍. 𝚜𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚑𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘. 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚒𝚎. 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚋𝚜. 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚋𝚜, 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝? 𝚠𝚠 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚜𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚎'𝚟𝚎 𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒'𝚟𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚕 𝚝𝚢𝚙𝚎! 𝚠𝚠𝚠𝚠

𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝚒 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚖𝚒𝚛𝚒 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚎. 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚒 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛.. 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚖𝚎! 𝚠

𝙲𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚗

_Who was I kidding? I knew he liked smart women._

I returned the phone to my pocket before I could type in anything else; when I rambled, I really went on and on.

_I wish I could call him to hear his voice, at least. Hopefully, he's eating well and taking care of himself...and he's happier now._

_That's all that matters._

The Jeep was silent for a while and the music that played was...depressing.

_Is this why my mood suddenly switched?_

" _Oi,_ Sumie, change the song, it's really killing the vibe!"

She took a quick glance at her phone and replied curtly, "It's almost done, just let it finish," her eyes went to Mirélle's hand in mine. "You two seem to be getting along well. It's like _she_ feels like she's not completely isolated anymore; she's pretty outgoing and generally cheery, but there was a recent increase to it. She even smokes less."

 _'Generally cheery'? Were Sumie and_ _Mirélle not as close as I thought they were?_

"Yeah?" I absentmindedly smiled and rubbed Mirélle's hand, wondering why she didn't tell me about the smoking the night before when I brought it up. "That's not a bad thing!"

Sumie let out an exaggerated groan. "Did I say that it was? I'm just saying that you've had a positive effect on her. God."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Relax! I didn't mean to offend you or anything,"

"Why would I be offended?"

"I don't know; you're defensive! Your walls are way up and your guards are out to poke their spears at me!"

Sumie laughed. "Sorry, Nagachika. I didn't get enough sleep last night and she just looks so...peaceful."

Snickering as well, I raised a brow. "Jealous?"

"So what if I am?" shaking her head, she looked out the window. "I just wanna sleep."

About thirty minutes or so later, Mirélle woke up and was _full_ of energy. Like she absorbed some of mine from sleeping on me.

Disconnecting Sumie's phone from the Bluetooth, she connected hers and demanded that Jin played the music at almost full volume as she thrust herself up the sunroof, allowing my jacket and her scarf to replace her beside me.

Abruptly, Mirélle started to sway her hips as an electropop song came on. As if responding to the spike of her energy, Jin raised the volume and sped up. She sang loudly and out of tune in a semi-French, semi-Japanese accent, completely butchering her English. Seconds later, she reached for her packet of cigarettes from the back pocket of her overalls, slanting forward atop the vehicle.

 _Oh jeez, her_ ass _._

At the sight of her body, I was acutely aware of the fact that I wasn't the only guy that was behind Mirélle. Poking her bare leg, I shouted out to her, "Hey! Is there any space for me up there?!"

She blew out smoke before looking down. "Yes! Come join me!"

Grabbing the jacket and shoving myself off the chair, the initial surprise of the strong wind faded quickly as I grabbed a hold of her hips and tied the jacket around her.

"What are you doing?" she questioned loudly, the current pulling her hair to the side. Jin slowed down to a more reasonable pace, allowing us to talk in our normal voices.

"In case you get cold; it'll be easier for you to reach!" I grinned, tightening it.

"Hide," her tone was flirtatious and when I looked at her, she was smirking with a raised brow. "You could've just told me you were jealous."

_...Was I really that obvious? Or could she easily see through me already?_

Realizing that there was no point in pretending, I cleared my throat and scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, well...you can put on a show for me another time when we're alone!"

She threw her head back as she exaggerated a laugh, and, instinctively, I placed a hand on her waist.

"You didn't seem to have a problem with it last night," she bit her lip as she allowed her grin to widen, flicking away her completely burnt cigarette and putting her hand over my outstretched arm.

"That was completely different!" I pulled her closer, practically embracing her. But she pulled back gently, steadying herself on the surface of the Jeep's roof. "You were on stage and you were performing!"

Looking away and humming, she pressed her lips together as she removed the hair from her face. "I disagree, but all right."

"Ah Miri, I can't help myself sometimes! It's normal for a guy to be jealous over stuff like that when it comes to a girl he...cares about."

Blinking, her expression fell for a brief moment before her playfulness returned. "It's just like you to say something like that."

I chuckled and tilted forward once again, hoping that she wouldn't back away the second time. "After all, when have I ever hid my feelings from you?"

Sumie was the one to interrupt — as usual.

"Can you guys come back down and close the sunroof? It's getting hot!"

With a groan and a strong urge to hold back Miri's hair, I rolled my eyes.

♪

Once we had arrived at the mountaintop, we were permitted into the private compound through the scan of Mirélle, Jin and Norio's IDs, and a large, metal gate that took the shape of a large tree; vines, flowers, and other plants decorated its bars in tight grips. It almost felt like we were entering restricted grounds or a secret garden.

When the guard that resided at the small shack confirmed their identities, Jin was given a pair of keys and remote control, which I assumed belonged to a garage.

"How come they only took your IDs?" I questioned, glancing at Mirélle before looking at the other two in front.

"We paid with our cards," answered Norio.

I couldn't help but let out a gasp as I met her hazel eyes again. "Why didn't you tell me? I would've pitched in, too!"

She shrugged, shaking her head gently. "It's no problem, _mon chou._ It's your first time, so you didn't have to. Plus, it was a last-minute thing...I booked the place when we met up and forgot to mention it to you, to begin with."

"You really have a way with words, Miri."

" _Tais-toi."_

But I felt terrible. Leaning in close to her, I whispered, "I'll pay you back."

She frowned and pursed her lips when she looked back at me. "That won't be necessary. We're going to have a great time, _d'accord?_ It'll be fine."

_It was completely irrelevant to the point I was trying to make, and I still felt bad for hopping on like it was some free ride!_

It was almost as if we had gone into an entirely different city, let alone a different Ward; like I was watching a scene from a movie as we passed the various abodes. Each chalet had its own parking space and backyard, for its private onsen. 

Jin drove casually into the individualized compound, twisting and turning at almost every bend before making it to a duplex, enchanting chalet. The location was incredibly secluded that even the neighboring houses were far from view. My jaw dropped at the sight of the high trees and the stone-built accommodation; renting _this_ out for a weekend must've really...

"How much did you each pitch in for this place?" I wondered aloud, almost out of breath from how beautiful our surroundings were. Without asking outright, I thought of why the other three didn't contribute.

 _It looks like this should've been an_ entire _group effort, not just_ half _of the group. This is insane! Were we really all university students?!_

"Don't worry about it," Jin sighed, parking the Jeep in front of the garage. "As Miri said, it's your first time. Just enjoy it!"

Clenching my teeth, I had already decided on what I wanted to do, disregarding what Miri and Jin said. "You can't tell me I can't! Just expect it when we get back!"

Miri was the first to be out of the Jeep as soon as Jin cut off the engine; she hopped over me and stretched, and I found myself grinning.

"Key!" she held an arm out at Jin's direction once he also stepped out of the vehicle, and without a second to waste, she hastily skipped towards the front door.

"So cute!" following Miri, I jumped out and took in a deep breath of fresh air as I also stretched. Once Mirélle returned, Jin called out to all of us to haul in our backpacks, as well as help one another if the extra luggage was too heavy.

Without noticing until a few minutes after, I was left outside to carry a few more plastic bags as Sumie kept me company.

"Yo," she addressed me. "Don't worry about the cash. They've dealt with it already."

"That's beyond the point," I exclaimed, gritting my teeth as I carefully lifted another heavy bag over my shoulder. "What kind of guest am I that shows up without pitching in? It's common courtesy!"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on. Are you just saying that because of Miri?"

My brows furrowed. "Not just her, but the other two as well. Besides, Jin has been more than nice to me...contributing is the _least_ I can do! Why aren't _you_ helping with the payment, Sumie?"

Appearing to be taken aback by my words, she grunted as she closed the trunk of the Jeep. "Unfortunately, I'm not as loaded as the other two."

"A little can go a really long way,"

"Save it, Nagachika." When she glanced up at me, her brown eyes appeared saddened. "Some of us don't even have a little..."

"Sumie, if you need help, we're here for you."

The pause between us allowed for Miri to call me in to the chalet. "Hide! Don't you want to see what it's like inside?"

Truthfully, I was beginning to sweat, therefore I wasted not another second under the glaring heat as we approached noon.

The house was humble from the inside; yellow lights lit up the entrance as if welcoming us into the abode. The floorboards creaked slightly under our steps and moss faintly grew around the threshold, but none of them seemed to care. Not that I did, either.

Up ahead was a kitchen; its marble counter went around it in one large ninety-degree angle, separating it from the hallway. When walking past the kitchen, three doors aligned the walls. At the end of the hallway was a staircase, leading up to the second floor.

To the right and one step down was the massive lounge, consisting of two long brown sofas and a single couch on the far right, surrounding a rectangular coffee table. Behind the single couch hung a large window, closed off behind an off-white curtain, and to the left of the couch was what appeared to be another hallway; before it was the exit to the backyard.

Across the seating area was a 64-inch Plasma, mounting over the fireplace. The house was more Western/European than the normal hotels in Tokyo — that being said, it didn't even look remotely Japanese, except for a few minute things.

"Jeez, this place is no joke," the words involuntarily slipped out of me as I removed my shoes. "Whoever owns these must've loved being abroad."

Placing the plastic bags with all the food and drinks on the counter, I sighed heavily once I settled the backpacks on the floor. Mirélle ambled to me, giving me a smile as she leaned on the counter, over one of the barstools.

"I think it was opened up by the Tsukiyama family," she muttered, tilting her head. "I believe they own this place. As in, the _whole_ thing."

_Tsukiyama...? The...Gourmet's family?_

_That's right; they're a huge name in Tokyo that owns several buildings and a ton of companies. They're a well-mannered, very educated, and a very international family, with a bountiful background. It shouldn't be a big surprise that they own such a luxurious compound._

_I just hope that the Gourmet doesn't randomly show up here after months of being dormant._

"I've read about them," I responded sheepishly. "They're multi-millionaires or something, right?"

She shrugged, as though uninterested. "Does it matter? I'm just thankful to them for building gorgeous chalets that combine foreign tastes with _our_ culture! Ah, they must've been abroad a lot, whoever designed these places."

Her swooning had me grinning.

"It's never too early to drink!"

"Actually...it really _is,"_ Sumie mumbled.

"No, it's _noon!_ Plus, I've got a lot of fun games planned!"

"How much would I get if I bet that they're all drinking games?" joked Domoto.

"Nothing, because it's obvious, _con._ Come on, everyone! On the floor! _"_

Mirélle was already pouring herself a drink as she dialed the number to a nearby restaurant, ordering lunch. While they had gotten tons of snacks, there wasn't anything that any of them had packed that would suffice an entire day's worth of hunger.

"I've packed a lunch, but I don't think it'll be enough for all of us," I muttered to Jin in front of me.

We were all on the floor just as Miri wanted, sitting in a circle on the thick, patterned carpet, just ahead of the unlit fireplace; there was an empty space beside me for her, while Domoto and his girlfriend were positioned to my left. The living room was dipped in yellow since Norio opened up the curtains and slid open the patio door.

We were snug in the shack and it almost felt like a second home.

"I thought everyone would get their own food!"

" _That_ would've been the right approach," Jin said. "But it seems like everyone's a bit out of it today."

"Speak for yourself," scoffed Sumie from my right, flipping her hair back and rolling her eyes. "I didn't have a _sip_ yet. It's all Mirélle. Probably Fujisaki too, and Hide."

I shook my head. "Nope, none for me yet. I'd rather eat first and maybe have a drink or two by the evening!"

"All right!" Miri announced her approaching presence loudly; a bottle in hand and a glass in another. "Lunch will be arriving in forty-five minutes to an hour." Mirélle brought forward a box of Pocky chocolate biscuit sticks, clapping her hands. "Let's get started."

"No!" the loud noise came out of me unexpectedly. "Not another Pocky game!"

"Are you kidding me?" Sumie agreed. "We're not drunk enough for that! Let's just play that game that we saw in that American movie last week; the one with the bottle?"

"Hold up," Domoto put his hands out in front of him. "There are two kinds of Western games with a bottle."

"Oh! I think I know what you're talking about," I grinned, biting my lip. "One has to do with kissing whoever the bottle points at, right?"

He nodded, pushing his brown hair from his forehead as he adjusted his glasses. "And the second is...more boring, I guess. Ask a question or, you know, dare them to do stuff."

"What do you mean?" asked Sumie.

Mirélle elbowed me. "You've seen too many Western movies. What the heck kind of game is that, with the kissing? _Arée..."_

"What? It's fun! Why? Would you get jealous?"

"Why would I get jealous?" her brows raised as she scoffed and looked away. "If you like it so much, then go play it in the US."

"Oi," I propped myself up with my arms behind me. "Don't be like that. I can see right through you; just tell me you'd be jealous!"

When she looked at me, it appeared as though she were trying to suppress a laugh.

"C'mon, let's play while you're sober," she didn't protest when I took the bottle and glass from her grip, pushing myself off the floor to place them on the kitchen counter.

The thought burned through me at the feel of the full bottle in my hand; the thought of Mirélle drinking too much to fulfill her own agenda. It was obvious when I first smelled her breath in the morning: it was obvious that there was something off about her since that hour; emotionally, mentally: she must've been in a bad place.

But, whatever her agenda was, whatever her reasons were, was none of my business; whether or not I saw through them made little to no difference. It wasn't as if I were going to confront her about it.

_I think. We're not at that stage yet...are we?_

_Who am I kidding...of course we are! Maybe after the game..._

I watched her from where I stood for a brief moment, a smile stretching across my face at the sight of her enthusiasm and excitement. She was laughing and talking loudly, even though they were rejecting her other game ideas — which were mostly drinking games.

"In the evening, after we get back!" they snapped back at her.

_I'm just glad she ate and she's rested._

Heading back to my seat on her left, I groaned and rolled my eyes at the game they had decided on. "Man, that sounds boring! Let's skip the games and go out and explore!"

"We will," exclaimed Miri, backhanding me in the shoulder. "We're just going to eat lunch and then go! And while we wait for the food, we're playing! _D'accord?"_

I had all but shouted. "All right!"

The game was simple (and boring): spin the not-quite-empty bottle until it stopped and pointed at someone. Whoever sat on the flat end of the bottle got to either ask or dare the player on the mouth-end, to do something, depending on what that player chose; then again, Domoto made up a rule that if a player had chosen to answer a question three times, then the fourth time _had_ to be a dare.

Jin pointed out that removing clothes, even accessories, was off-limits as he tapped his sunglasses, and we'd have to switch ourselves around so that the bottle doesn't choose the same people over and over again.

_Also, I couldn't ask Mirélle anything if I were sitting right beside her!_

"Does it matter who does the bottle thing?"

"Nope,"

"All right. Fun."

" _Arée_ , try to sound more excited about it. The food will be here soon and we'll be done in no time."

"I'll hold on to that,"

Everyone started out by asking normal, boring questions, avoiding anything that had to do with their personal lives and interests — until the bottle turned to me and Jin.

Rubbing my hands together, I let out a chuckle, hoping that it had sounded sinister.

"Yeesh," Norio scoffed, putting a leg up and resting his weight on his outstretched arms behind him. "What could you possibly ask..."

"This was something that I heard when I first joined the committee," I snickered, glancing at Miri from the corner of my eye. "I never knew if it was a rumor or not, so I'd like you to tell me!"

"Ha, what is it?" even though Jin sounded impatient, his smile gave away his amusement.

"There's always a rumor about you," Miri commented, sitting the same way Norio sat. "I'm not surprised."

"I heard from some students that you, Harada Jin," I paused for effect, briefly looking at everyone before focusing on Jin. "Were _failing_ one of your classes and so to pass, you had to seduce your professor...and _then some_."

The first of us to let out a laugh was Domoto, widening his eyes as he leaned forward to take a good look at Jin. "No way! Which class? Please tell me it was calculus!" he took in a sharp inhale before whistling, leaning back into his position. "Morita-sensei...man, I heard that rumor too, but you never told me a thing!"

Domoto was about fifty times more perverted than I was, but I had to audibly agree with his words; the image of the woman he spoke of came to the minds of everyone that knew her. I let out a sigh of admiration, recalling the lady, while Domoto had gone off about her curves.

_Dude, your girlfriend's right there!_

"There's nothing to tell," Jin chuckled, crossing his arms.

Kaneki and I would normally talk about girls and hot professors on a day-to-day basis, but there was some sort of restraint in me when it came to vulgarity, at the very least! After all, my imagination wasn't as far and as wild as Domoto's or even my best friend's.

"Well?" Sumie shook her head, raising a brow as her impatience grew. Everyone around us spoke loudly about the question I had asked; even Miri reacted almost the same way Domoto did. "Is it true?"

He took in a deep inhale, adjusted his black, button-down shirt, and pushed back his black hair. I wondered, for a split second, if he were looking at _me,_ or at the girl beside me.

"If word gets out, it'll be a problem," he smirked, shrugging.

" _C'est quoi ce bordel?!"_ Miri shouted. " _Vraiment?_ You slept with...whoever that person Domoto just mentioned?"

He shook his head but as a way to deflect Miri's question rather than answer it. "I needed to."

And the room erupted in all of our laughter and hoots.

"You _needed_ to?! That's the dumbest thing!" Miri exclaimed aloud.

"You could've, you know, actually _studied!"_ I followed up, shaking my head.

Domoto hit Jin on the shoulder again. _"Bro,_ the details! You gotta fill me in when we're alone!"

"So, the rumors are true!" wondered Esashi.

From then on, the questions started to become _a little_ more interesting.

"Nagachika, what's the color of your underwear?"

I raised a brow, almost rolling my eyes. "That's still boring! Light blue, if that makes a difference!"

"How many people have you kissed, Delafose?" asked Domoto.

" _What?_ You're seriously asking that?"

"Just answer it, _arée!"_

"Fine! Two, sheesh."

Norio glanced at Miri. "If you were a guy, which of the girls would you date?"

"Hana. _Excusez-moi,_ Sumichan...but you're too aggressive for my taste." Miri giggled, covering her mouth.

"I don't care." Even though Sumie mentioned it, it appeared that she did care...a little. "Wait, don't you like girls, too? Does that mean you have a crush on Hana?"

There was a momentary pause before, "No!" at her interjection, Miri wrapped her arms around mine, resting her head on my shoulder. "I'm suddenly straight!"

_Whether or not she truly was...it wasn't up to Sumie to expose her that way._

When she laughed along with the rest, she removed her hold on me as we started to switch ourselves around; she and Sumie switched places with Jin and Norio while I scooted to the couple's side, and the man in the sunglasses took my left. Right ahead of me sat the girl in the tight pink shirt and the tight jeans, eyeing me suspiciously.

_I wish Miri held on a bit longer._

"Nagachika," Sumie squinted and pointed a finger at me. "Are you interested in Mirélle just because she's a halfie?"

My eyes almost popped out of my head. "What? Of course not! There are a lot of pretty foreigners at Kamii, you know! Besides, you're also a halfie."

Before Sumie could continue, Jin had already spun the bottle.

"This is your fourth! I'm daring you!"

" _Bien!_ The food will be here soon, _arée."_

Jin chuckled, "Stand up," and Miri obeyed. "Dance for us."

" _Quoi?_ You could've asked Sumichan to do that!"

"Don't drag me into your stupid dare."

"Delafose! Join her!" Domoto encouraged. "Just dance what you danced last night," when I glanced at him, he gave Sumie a wink.

" _Wah,_ I'll get to see what the guys at the front saw," I laughed when Miri turned to kick me lightly. "What? I can lose a few more years, it's no big deal!"

Sumie wondered aloud at the inside joke, while Mirélle scoffed and kicked me again.

"Just until the first chorus," Jin smirked. "Then the rest of us will do whatever you want!"

"What?! We never agreed to that!"

" _Dommage!_ You agree or we don't dance! It's almost a whole two minutes!"


	16. ⦋ Solemn Hypnotic ⦌

_**— 2018** _

_**[ explicit content** 1.5/5 **]**_

_**word count** _ _— 2473_

♪

_What I never understood was how someone could pretend to care so much about another, for years and years, just to stab them in the back and hurt them in the future. Some people really had a lot of time on their hands and lot of problems in their head._

_That's time wasted, if you ask me._

It wasn't long before Sumie stood up to join Miri and Domoto played the song off of her phone; _everyone_ gathered to where I was seated to get a better look at their dancing.

" _Oye,_ Nagachika!" Norio called out to me once he saw that I leaned back further. "Stop staring!"

"Then what would be the point of the whole thing?" cracking up, I was somewhat distracted by Sumie's figure, but quickly redirected my gaze to Miri. I understood why the guy from last night screamed out 'sit on me'; it was almost as if watching it the second time made it a hundred times better.

"Sexy!!!" I screamed and hooted, unexpectedly hearing Esashi join in with Domoto, Jin and I. Somewhere between the end of the chorus, I stood up in front of Mirélle, my heartbeat rapid and my gut pushing me further as my temperature rose.

Esashi and Jin began to scream and clap as Miri placed her arm on my shoulder and moved closer to me, the rhythm dictating the way her hips swayed and pulling my hands to her waist; it was beyond my control at that point, and I found myself dancing along with her.

 _I knew that I wanted more;_ in those few seconds that I was close to her, all I wanted to do was...

But before I could, she had already turned around and started to gyrate against me; her hand holding on to the back of my head as the other went to my back. I couldn't help myself as my mouth touched her neck and I held her hips; Esashi began to scream "back it up", but then just started to _scream_ in general, and I couldn't blame her.

My heart was in my throat as I held on to her midriff, grabbing a fistful of her shirt as I held myself back.

_It's getting hot...if I don't stop myself..._

Sumie had finally decided to come between us once again, saying something completely narc-like but completely in the right, at that moment.

_Thank you...!_

"This isn't a club," she hissed as her eyes narrowed at Miri before she glanced at Jin. "Some help here?"

"We're just having some fun," Miri sighed, turning to face me again. "Right, Hide?"

Placing her hands on my shoulders, I swallowed and put some space between us as Jin and Sumie argued aloud. It felt like I was beginning to sweat and I wouldn't be surprised if my entire face was as red as a tomato.

_Jeez. Always putting me in these situations!_

_I'm glad, at the very least, that no one can notice anything weird._

"Yeah," I couldn't help myself. "But she's right! Let's dial it down a bit, all right, Mirichan?"

Her hazel eyes rolled once more; she leaned in and I held my breath. " _All right."_

" _Oi,_ stop teasing me," I whisper-shouted as she slowly lowered herself back on the carpet. "It was getting out of hand..."

"Next thing you know," Sumie was still ranting _at_ Jin. "They're going to be doing _it_ in front of us and we won't do anything about it."

A part of me was bothered by how _bothered_ Sumie was from the entire thing; then again, it wasn't very hard to understand the way she thought. _Then again,_ she _did_ have a point. However, I wasn't dumb enough to have actually done anything in front of them.

_I probably would've picked Miri up and went to the room, of course!_

" _Alors,_ for the rest of the game, Hana will be sitting on Domoto's lap," Miri began giving out orders, thanks to what Jin had promised to her. "Fujisaki...do whatever you want. Whenever there's a dare, we take a _shot,_ and for every truth, we switch around."

"Why do we have to take shots?" Sumie complained. "You're literally the only alcoholic here."

"It's just for fun, all right?" Miri's eyelids lowered in irritation. "It's not like we're going to be daring each other into the evening; in ten minutes, the food's gonna arrive, _arée. J'en ai marre de toi."_

 _"Bienvenue."_ Sumie said it with a similar irritation, albeit, a lot more hateful compared to Miri's tone.

The tension in the room rose as the girls walked away from each other; Miri instantly went to get the cups and the bottle before sitting beside me once more, and Sumie sat in the opposite direction.

"All right," Jin sighed, clapping his hands loudly. "Ten minutes, yeah? Let's cheer up a bit and continue. No more dirty dancing."

In order to make her forget, I placed a hesitant arm around her and pulled her near me. "What was that?"

"Nothing. Sumichan and I argue like that from time to time, but she seemed a lot more annoyed these past two weeks, especially today. Maybe the shirt's stopping the blood flow to her brain."

Letting out a laugh, I squeezed her arm. "No, not _that;_ I meant the dancing!"

"Oh," when she looked at me, her smile turned sly as she raised a brow. "Did you like that?"

Her eyes focusing on my mouth had me exhaling in shudders; I could almost taste the alcohol on her tongue. "Is that something you normally do?"

"Not for a while now. Maybe that show you wanted will come sooner than you think."

"Up close and personal, huh?"

But Miri's flirtatiousness cowered the way it normally did; she giggled and pushed me lightly, covering her face with her hair. " _Tais-toi!"_

"Jeez! And here I thought that I was bad at flirting!"

The game continued and we switched ourselves around about three times.

"Do you always carry condoms with you?" Sumie asked.

Domoto scoffed. "Any man who doesn't is a virgin, obviously."

I let out a cough. "What's wrong with that?!"

"Just always have condoms with you, man! At least one!" chortling, he lightly punched me in the shoulder.

"What's the longest you've ever gone without a shower?" questioned Esashi.

"Two weeks," Norio hummed, his blue eyes shifting from one person to the next. "It was during the finals and I couldn't be bothered."

"You're one of the smartest guys in our uni," I exclaimed. "Was the test that hard?!"

The blonde man shrugged. "It actually turned out to be easy."

Miri spun the bottle.

"Hana-tan!" she clapped her hands together as Esashi gave her boyfriend a worried look, as if she were anticipating the worst from Miri. "Take a shot before I blindfold you, and feed you something."

Esashi let out a deep sigh and a whine, holding up a cup and filling it to what she assumed was a shot. "Miri... _why?"_

" _Arée,_ I'm not going to feed you something that bad! Don't you trust me?"

"Literally, why would she?" Sumie was still giving Miri attitude, and even I was beginning to get bothered.

After she took her shot and a few seconds of whining had passed, Esashi's eyes were closed by her boyfriend's hands as Miri fetched some apple slices from her bag. "She _hates_ apples with their skin not peeled off," she whispered to me.

I bit my lip as Miri told her to open wide and shoved the snack in her mouth.

"Ah! What the —" Esashi's features immediately scrunched up as she spat out the piece of apple, proceeding to make gagging noises as she got up to rush to the bathroom. "Fuck off, Miri! I hate you!"

"Be thankful it's not anything worse!"

"You're mean!" I spun the bottle and it ironically pointed at me, while across me, sat the prettiest girl in the room. "Oh, shit!"

"Take a shot," she grinned, biting her lip. "And wear your clothes inside out."

"Jeez," after quickly throwing my head back, I stood up as the drink burned a path down my throat. "Where are you getting these ridiculous dares?"

"A website, obviously," she held up her phone. "Except for the shots. That's my idea."

When I re-entered after turning all that I was wearing inside-out, I was met with applause.

Norio cleared his throat as he spun the bottle.

"Ah, Mirélle-chan," Esashi rubbed her hands together, the same way I had when the weird questions began. "When was the last time you watched an adult film?"

"Pfft," Norio rolled his eyes. "Girls don't do that kind of thing."

"Yeah, we do," Sumie defended aggressively. "Girls masturbate, too, in case you didn't know and wanted to have your mind blown, idiot."

I had almost gasped as every porno flashed through my head. Norio and I began asking questions regarding what Sumie had said and she answered each one of them, looking more and more irritated with each question.

" _Sérieusement?"_ Miri grumbled. "Are you guys thirteen? I get that some of you are virgins but this is ridiculous! As _if_ you didn't know that girls do that stuff, too!"

"I didn't think it was similar to the way guys like it..."

"Sometimes, it's more."

"Back to the question! Sheesh!"

Miri rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Hum...about three or four days ago."

Esashi's jaw dropped along with mine. "That's recent!"

"Were you expecting me to say last month?" she laughed.

"Delafose," Domoto, holding on to his girlfriend's waist, looked at Miri's phone as he dared the brunette. "Take a shot and exchange your shirt with the person on your right."

Jin happened to be seated on her right; they both stood and went to one of the rooms, and when they came out, everyone burst out in laughter — I had almost fallen back from how hard I was laughing.

Jin, who had the body of a Greek God, actually looked sexy in the little shirt. "Very hot," I grinned at him as I clapped. "Would you like to dance for us, too?"

Suppressing a chuckle, he crossed his arms, which only resulted in part of the sleeves to rip up. It made us all laugh once more. Sumie, however, somehow looked a lot more comfortable in Jin's large, black button-down, until the tear in her shirt had her whimpering.

"I'll give you another shirt!" Miri tried to comfort her. "Don't worry about it!"

Jin changed back into his original shirt while Miri had given Sumie one of hers. It was cute and colorful, and a lot more modest compared to the first one.

And the game continued.

"Are you and Esashi planning on doing 'it' tonight?"

" _Arée,_ just say 'sex'! We're all adults here!"

"Nagachika's, like, five."

"What the? The youngest is Sumie! Jeez."

Domoto didn't say anything and only looked at Esashi, who gave him a smile.

We switched places once again: Miri was in front of Sumie, I had taken Jin's place while he took mine, and since Miri refused to sit anywhere _near_ Norio, he took the seat to Sumie's left, beside Jin. Esashi was beside me, sitting on Domoto's lap.

The bottle turned and it pointed at Mirélle, while Sumie had to ask the question. "Who was your first kiss?"

It was almost as if Miri froze, and the change in her expression worried me. She clenched her teeth as her brows furrowed. "You _know_ who my first kiss was!"

"No, I don't!" Sumie defended aloud, glancing at me briefly from the corner of her eye. "Out of everything you've ever told me, that was the _one_ thing you didn't tell me."

_She keeps lying._

"That's impossible. It's _impossible_ that I never told you," Mirélle was getting uncomfortable, but she hid it behind a huge smile. "It must have been one of the first things I _ever_ told you!"

"I agree with Miri!" abruptly, all their eyes were on me; I scratched the back of my head. "I mean, that kind of information helps build a stronger bond, and you and Miri are pretty close! I'm sure she told you who her first kiss was, you just forgot."

"What's it to ya, Nagachika?" Sumie snapped. "God, mind your own business."

"What? I'm part of the game, too!"

"Wait, _I_ don't know who your first kiss was either," declared Domoto, making me want to smack him. "So even if you already told Delafose, you've got the rest of us to tell."

"Seriously Domoto," grunting, I pushed my fingers through my hair. "That's a thing girls talk about amongst themselves!"

"Yeah, well, thank the Westerners for this game, huh?" Domoto continued. "So, who was it?"

The more I had tried to interrupt, the more they insisted on finding out. I didn't care anymore; I only wanted Miri not to feel so stressed out.

She let out a scoff. "I'm sure I told you this! It was Jin, remember?"

For a split-second, it felt like someone had punched me in the chest. It wasn't even Sumie who responded to Miri's answer.

"Huh?! Jin? Harada Jin?"

"Yeah," Mirélle's stress had come undone and she appeared to feel a feigned sensation of relaxation — almost a complete contradiction to the strange, incomprehensible emotions beginning to stir my insides. "This guy."

She barely looked at me as I looked only at her, while my peripheral vision caught sight of Sumie constantly turning her head to my direction.

"Oh!" snapping her fingers, Sumie took in a sharp inhale. "I remember! We were at your place, right?"

"Yes," Mirélle replied shortly. "I told you sometime within the few months when we had just met."

As something within me shifted, Domoto started once again with his loud, obnoxious noises. Although I laughed along with him, a dark cloud loomed over my head as I took a glimpse at Jin, who was, uncharacteristically, too quiet. He was looking down onto his abdomen as Norio appeared to be questioning him passionately. His voice was low, but I picked up a few words, such as, "Why", "When" and "Kept it from me".

My eyes found Esashi — who was on the carpet since her boyfriend was overly interested in Jin and Mirélle kissing — and she only shrugged. "I like Miri and I always saw the connection between them, so it wasn't really a shock..."

"I guess so." Her words brought out a week-old memory; a memory of bitterness at the sight of Jin placing an arm around Mirélle's waist and stroking her leg.

_Of course, it was a possibility that they had something between them...but the confirmation left a bad taste in my mouth._

_Even though I shouldn't care because...she's not my girlfriend and it happened way before she and I even met! It doesn't matter, sheesh!_

_And why did it feel like Sumie was doing it all on purpose...? What's her angle here?_

Jin's phone had chimed at the same time that the doorbell rang; the food arrived about fifteen minutes late.

"Oh," Jin blurted out. "Looks like my friend's going to be here in a while."

"Seriously?" Sumie retorted. " _Another_ guy? As if this wasn't bad enough?"

"Just think of yourself in a reverse-harem," Domoto joked.

Volunteering to answer the door, I got up with a grunt and paid the man with all the money in my pocket (which I had reached from the inside of my pants, which wasn't a pretty sight), thanked him and placed the food on the coffee table.

However, Mirélle was already gone when I had returned.


	17. ⦋ Past Fatalities ⦌

— **_2018_**

 **_word count_ ** _— 2622_

♪

She disappeared into the room, according to Sumie, along with her glass and bottle of saké. When I knocked on the door, she yelled out,

"Give me a second!"

A negative emotion swelled at the center of my abdomen as I turned myself away, heading to the coffee table where Jin, Norio, and Sumie sat on the large couch, while Esashi and Domoto sat on the floor across the couch. My appetite had waned, but I took a seat beside the couple on the carpet, forcing down the food and trying to force out the thoughts.

_Man, I need some air. I'm eating some good food, yet all I could focus on was something else._

"Hold on," Jin muttered, as though he knew how I felt. Putting down his chopsticks, he opened the door to the room where Mirélle hid, only for her to emerge with a wide smile on her face and the glass half full in her hand. Something about seeing her made me happy, but somehow, sad and frustrated, at the same time.

"Eat fast! Let's get going! Let's get this party started!" she plopped herself down beside Jin on the couch, crossing her legs before waving at me. "Ah, _mon chou."_

"Hey, Miri-chan." I waved back as a smile helplessly drew itself onto my face, my innards practically disintegrating at such an ugly feeling. Her eyes appeared apologetic as her gaze gradually softened.

"How many of those did you have, Miri?" Jin asked, pushing his sunglasses back.

"This is...my third, _je crois_."

"Shot? Or _entire_ glass?" Sumie growled, clenching her fists.

Mirélle hummed, biting her lip. "Glass. I'm bad at measuring how much a shot should be in a whole _cup._ Can you believe that? I can hack into computers but can't measure a shot, ha!"

"Okay," Jin took her glass and placed it on the other end of the table. "You can have that back when we're done. Good?"

She gave him a thumbs up. "You got it, _capitano."_

Our eyes met several times and she didn't bother redirecting her stare. It was impossible that she was already drunk, but she was definitely getting there.

"Don't you want to eat?" I asked, gulping down the food that was almost tasteless, at that point.

Shaking her head, she giggled. "Your food was enough for me."

My cheeks reddened as an innuendo introduced itself to my thoughts, but I bit my tongue.

_How bittersweet._

Mirélle took zero bites of food and reached for _several_ cups of alcohol, so much so that she could no longer stand up properly. She didn't start puking, but drink after drink, outburst after outburst, her cheeks began to flush and her eyes had almost completely glazed over. Every step she took forward resulted in her almost falling backward.

Sumie had taken her to the room in which the girls were going to sleep in. She asked for Jin's help, but he was occupied on the phone with his friend that had gotten lost on the way to the chalet.

"Stay where you are," Jin had finalized coolly. "We'll come to you."

"Sumichan!" Mirélle's muffled voice was heard from the other side of the third door, almost sounding desperate and urgent.

The six of us sat around the coffee table, planning how to spend the rest of the day and what to do. Norio and Jin sat beside me while Domoto and Esashi sat on the couch on our left; Sumie sat on the single chair. Jin and Norio planned as properly as possible, circling areas that we couldvisit on a map, during the next few hours before sunset.

I was wrestling with myself; wondering whether I should stay behind to watch over Mirélle and miss out on the events or leave her behind and go with the group. _Maybe_... _maybe she'll be able to catch up to us later._

But I had already told Jin what was on my mind; that I was thinking of staying behind.

Sumie let out another sigh as she heaved herself off the couch and into the room where Mirélle was believed to be sobering up. She returned less than a second later, mumbling about how she just liked to annoy people when she was drunk.

"That's super cute," I couldn't help but grin, even though the revelation from earlier still mildly haunted me.

Honestly, I didn't mind staying behind with her, but there was that nagging thought at the back of my head, urging me to go with them. After all, being stuck in a place like this when outside was a place like _that..._ who would want to stay indoors, whether there was a private onsen or not?

_Now I'm just making it sound like they paid for this place for nothing._

Norio rolled his eyes and pushed the blonde bangs from his face before looking at Jin. "Why don't _you_ stay and take care of her?"

Jin shook his head, not saying anything as he stood up and walked away, talking on his phone once again.

Sumie then chuckled. When I turned to the right and met her gaze, she smirked at me. "You know...if Jin was lucky enough to sleep with her, then maybe you might actually have a chance, Nagachika."

My heart had dropped.

_Wait, what?_

_Jin and Miri...Jin and..._ _Mirélle..._

Slept together?

_First, it was the kiss, and now..._

_...this?_

"...D-Delafose?" Norio stuttered, moving closer to my side. "What do you mean?"

I sat straighter, clearing my throat as I shook my head. "Yeah...what are you talking about?"

"What?! A-are you serious?! And he never told us...! What a dog!" Domoto was somehow praising Jin, but at the same time insulting him, along with Mirélle _._

"I mean, you _heard_ her say it," she continued, ignoring the blank look on my face, ignoring Norio, who called out to her, ignoring the way Domoto was reacting and his girlfriend's lack of reaction. "When she told me that _he_ was her first kiss, it all came back to me; that they've slept with each other."

"Look...she didn't get around to telling me something like that. She would have brought it up when the time was right; I don't think you should've said that." I tried to reassure myself with such words, but it was beginning to prove difficult. Either way, it didn't feel right.

Sumie shrugged nonchalantly, as though it wasn't something serious. "Makes sense because, why would you even go after her if you _did_ know?"

_What the hell is this bitch even saying..._

"You like her, right?" Esashi asked from the left. "Mirélle?"

"Obviously I like her!" my eyes were trained on the girl with the sly expression. "It's not like I was even subtle about it."

"All right, Ryūnosuke and Yamashiro are waiting for us someplace nearby, since they can't get in," Jin returned with a smile, throwing his phone up in the air and catching it all at once. But I was already spiraling. "What's going on here?"

"I'm sorry, Jin, but he had to know. I had to tell him." Sumie said, her brows pulling up at her forehead.

An odd sensation of anger began to brew within me; I _didn't_ have to know and she, most fucking definitely, did _not_ have to tell me. It was information I had no use of, information that only made me feel like more of an outsider.

"What do you mean?" he questioned, almost as confused as I was initially. "Tell him what?"

Even though I had known all of that, I glanced at Jin, who slowly approached us. "She told us that you've...you've slept with Mirélle?"

 _Jeez. It doesn't_ fucking matter.

He didn't answer the question and only stood there, absolutely deadpanned with his dumb, designer sunglasses that he wore indoors.

I took in a deep inhale. "You — _you_ _,_ specifically, were telling me three weeks ago how hard it was to date Mirélle...and now you're saying something that's the opposite."

" _Dating_ her is hard," Sumie clarified. "Fucking her isn't."

Jin growled as he took a large step towards the girl, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her off the couch. Norio and I both stood up as she rotated, putting her hands up in defense.

"He should know," Sumie said nonchalantly, boiling my blood further. "If he's going to be serious about her, he should know about her past and all the guys she slept with! Tanaka, Demura, Azaki, Oikawa—"

"That's _enough!"_ shouted Jin, clenching his fists as he stepped closer to her. "Out of everyone here... _you_ should know better than to talk about what she's been through."

A part of me wondered if Jin was going to rip her a new one with his Kagune, but I blinked rapidly as the string of names that flowed out of Sumie's mouth echoed in my head.

_She wasn't even done...she already said four names, how many more were there...?_

"Why?!" she had the nerve to continue. "He should know! He should know that he's interested in a whore!"

My insides burned as I clenched my teeth and my heart was pounding straight out of my chest. Before I knew it, Norio had hopped onto the table and to the other side, facing Sumie and pushing her to the couch.

She let out a gasp, in utter shock at the man's actions.

"Hey, Norio," quietly, I held my hand out. "Relax a bit, man..."

But it was as if my words had fueled his rage; he lifted his hand once more, however, Jin stopped him. He pushed Norio out of the way and looked straight at her, barely any emotion along his features. "Have you completely forgotten all the hard work we've done to put all those things to rest? To make Miri feel...good about herself? To help her feel like she's _worth_ something _more?_ Or were you as insincere back then as you are now?"

And yet, Sumie continued. "It's not about being insincere. I'm being as honest as I can with him, which is something you should be doing, too! Don't get so worked up just because things ended badly between you two."

Jin shook his head as he connected his hands behind his neck. Norio lunged forward to Sumie once again, but Domoto and I quickly rushed to his side and held him back.

"Fuck you," he spat, saying the words I was thinking. "You don't deserve someone like Mirélle as your friend."

"Come off it! You're not even allowed to call her by her given name!"

At that moment, Jin let out a sigh and grabbed Sumie's face. I let go of Norio and stood by Jin's side; hatred was bubbling inside of me, a hatred for this girl I thought I could be friends with, but I wasn't sure I wanted to beat her up.

"Sumie..." he murmured. "If you know what's good for you, you'll stop talking."

When she didn't respond, he practically threw her face in the other direction. A cry broke out from her as she ran towards the room where the girl she was backbiting about resided.

Norio let out a scoff. "Funny."

Slowly, I took a step towards Jin, and just as slowly, he turned around and all but growled. "Hideyoshi-kun..." even though our eyes weren't meeting, his gaze somehow felt intimidating. "Don't blindly listen to that girl, all right?"

I hadn't noticed how hard I was grinding my teeth together until Jin's hand went around my tight fist; instead of _me_ calming _him_ down, the opposite was occurring.

"We'll wait outside," Domoto had muttered, whispering to Esashi to get up as well.

Norio brushed himself off and headed towards the fridge to grab himself a cold beverage; the heavy ambiance from around him still lingered and spread to me and Jin, but he soon left the chalet as he followed Domoto out the front door, muttering something under his breath.

"If you want to know about something, about someone you care about..." Jin murmured as I looked at him. His hand was still around mine and, ever so gently, he forced my palms open. I exhaled, trying to relax my trembling nerves. "You don't listen to anything from a third-party observer."

"I know," the words had come out more aggressive than I had intended.

"Do you? Because I saw the look on your face when she was talking; that one split-second of doubt."

I shook my head. "No. It wasn't doubt for Mirélle. It's true that the amount of time I've spent knowing her doesn't match up to everyone else's, but she's not a stranger to me," determined, I fixed my eyes on him, behind his stupidly dim sunglasses. "I _know_ her."

He almost appeared impressed. "I hope you're confident in that."

However, I knew that I wasn't; it was impossible to ever really _know_ anyone — but, I knew her for what she was and what she wasn't. "...About you sleeping with her..."

The thought of them together imprinted on the back of my eyelids for a moment: Mirélle and Jin... _in bed together..._

_Mirélle and Jin...Mirélle and Jin..._

...Not that I could exactly blame her; Jin was nice and really good looking, not to mention his physical frame. She must've seen him without his glasses on, too, and he must've looked ten times more appealing with his dangerous, bad-boy Ghoul eyes. He stood a good few inches taller than me with broad shoulders and a smile that could light up a room.

To be with someone like me was a step _down_ after being with someone like Jin.

I couldn't blame her for sleeping with him... _could I?_

Sighing, he ran his fingers through his hair. "If this could somehow ease your mind...what happened between us was years ago, just like the other guys. All of it was in the past, and it'll stay there."

"Wait, so she _really_ did sleep with...all those guys...?" I tried to hide whatever bitter emotions I felt and I prayed that they weren't floating on the surface of my face; jealousy, frustration, anger, doubt, fear, and envy. The spacious room began to feel stuffy, and it was hard for me to breathe.

 _But...what did it matter? She wasn't my girlfriend. I just had a crush on her, nothing more. And maybe with this revelation, she wasn't going to_ be _anything more._

_She'll just be another girl I had a crush on, that's all._

Jin shrugged. "That's not something I can tell you, Hide-kun. You'll have to find out for yourself; if you like her enough, if you _truly_ care about her, then you should ask her and find out on your own..."

His voice trailed off as he looked over his shoulder; the sight of Sumie exiting the room left him speechless.

"Should I stay behind...?" she questioned; her voice almost a whisper.

"No," he stated firmly, crossing his hands and not even turning to face her completely. "There's no need for that. What about you?" he nodded at me. "What did you decide?"

That was a question that I needed to answer myself as well — knowing that Mirélle slept with Jin and probably several other guys, did I want to stay in the same dwelling as her?

Or would I rather hang out with the one guy that _has_ slept with Mirélle and the other one that _wants_ to sleep with her? Not to mention the other one that already had a girlfriend but still looked at her like he wanted to _pound_ her?

Usually, I would never miss out on a hangout, especially in a new place like this one; but right now, a part of me was telling me to stay while another part told me otherwise. I still did care about Mirélle and her well-being, but after being exposed to things I didn't know about her...

_What should do?_

_"Dating her is hard...fucking her isn't."_

_"Tanaka, Demura, Azaki, Oikawa..."_

_"He should know! He should know that he's interested in a whore!"_

" _Yah,_ Hide-kun," Jin's voice came into focus, making me shake my head and blink rapidly. "Are you sure you want to stay or did you change your mind?"

I hesitated for a little bit before making up my mind.

"I...I guess I'll—"

"Can we get going already?" Norio interrupted, shouting loudly from the front door.


	18. ｛ Anchors ｝

— _**2018**_

 **_word count_ ** _— 3298_

**_[Mirélle]_ **

❀

Musings from earlier that day consumed me as I poured myself another glass, sitting with my legs crossed, alone in the large room. While the rest of the rooms had beds, the one that I sat in and the one beside it had futon mattresses.

_The Tsukiyama family is Japanese in the end. What a perfect way to mix Asia and Europe._

Rays of the sun warmed up the vermilion tinted room; vermilion, thanks to the curtains that stood idly at its sides. Hana had opened up the window a bit so that the refreshing breeze ventilated the area, but the breeze soon turned into winds of change.

I hummed, feeling like nothing, craving what could be called his presence. But I yearned for something beyond that; it gnawed the corners of my mind as I began to feel my lips spread with numbness and my eyes become slightly inept. The music that I had played on my phone turned into white noise but kept my temper low, at the very least.

Tzuching would've scolded me if she ever read my mind, or saw me in the state that I was in. She'd hit my legs with her damned wooden stick and tell me to focus, and only after seconds of coming back to my senses would she hit me again.

_How ideal would it have been to have her on this trip? Maybe I just needed Sumie's advice, since she and Jin wanted me to have a deeper relationship with Hide._

Detecting a reasonable solution almost proved to be futile; I was lost within myself and I was drowning in alcohol, waiting for the intoxication to swallow me whole.

_If I'm going to make this decision, I should stop now._

I peered at the glass as I held it at eye-level, fixing my gaze on the reflection of the rainbow on the wall from the slit of the sun's gleam. It was only one p.m and I was already losing my grip on reality.

As I gulped down the toxicity of the beverage, I heard faint voices from the living room. Angry shouting and brief banging, like a fight, had unfolded. I ordered myself to stand up and observe the situation, but I somehow didn't find the strength or have enough conviction to do so.

_I'm not even drunk yet._

My mind had wandered off to recollected snippets of the living room as I pondered over the possible topics they could've been arguing about: was the argument about uni, since Jin, Hide, Fujisaki, Domoto, and Hana were _all_ from Kamii? After all, they could've been complaining about professors and someone could've gotten extra heated over it.

Or was it Sumie, asking them to change the subject since she had no idea what they were on about?

It wouldn't be a surprise if she had gone all out if it were _her_ charging the argument; her anger issues only got worse, and she refused to receive proper help.

Even though I thought of her, my brain had abruptly shifted to the academy; to my teachers, trainers, and fellow trainees. With a sigh and another half glass, the image of Tzuching returned to my mind's eye.

_She would tell me to pull myself together by slapping me, taking the bottle from me and throwing it against the wall. Some say she's mentally insane and inconsiderate, some say it's just tough love._

_For me, it was a mix of both. All I know is that if I wanted to reach where Mado Akira and Ihei Hairu are, I need to become better at controlling my movements, which appeared to slow when my mind was occupied with endless thoughts._

_Why am I even drinking? I should stop before I completely lose myself to my lust. It's been three years since I drank like this..._

_Who knows what'll happen?_

I had almost spilled my drink when Sumie barged into the room and slammed the door behind her. She let out a whimper and I turned to her on my left, surveying her actions and trying to comprehend them. Reaching for the backpack on the floor, she pulled out several pieces of clothing when a sudden stab of pain shot at my abdomen. I inhaled sharply, unintentionally catching her attention.

"Miri," she sniffled, wiping her eyes as she glanced at me over her shoulder. It looked like she was crying, or was going to cry. _Or,_ my mind was playing tricks on me; the last time I had seen Sumie shed a tear was last year, sometime during January. She wasn't much of a crier. "I almost forgot you were in here."

"I'm here," I grinned, setting the bottle on the floor and pushing my hair back. "What's going on, _my dear?"_

Forcing a smile to her features, she rotated to face me entirely, shaking her head and sighing. "Fujisaki was just being a dick, as usual."

"Ah, I know that all too well," I giggled. "Should I start getting ready to go, too? Are we going now?"

Sumie's eyes widened as if she were surprised by my statement. "You're not going anywhere like that."

" _What?"_

"You're drunk!"

"No, I'm not..."

"You are! Sorry, but I do _not_ want to spend the entire evening pulling you off your ' _chouchou'_ out there."

Letting out an exhale, I took a sip, subconsciously wishing I had brought in another bottle. "You're not wrong, _I guess_..."

_I'll need to be carried if I were to go out, anyway. And, even though Jin would be more suited to lift me, I, most likely, would've wanted Hide to do it._

She scoffed, throwing her hands up. "Of course not!" her brown eyes studied me for a brief moment, and I wanted to be looking at Hide's instead. "Tell you what; you stay here, put on a movie and drink up _all_ you want, and we'll be back with some food and things that'll make you happy. How does that sound?"

Crawling over to me, she lay me down on the mattress gently, as though putting her child to bed. The thought had me giggling more, while an obscure voice at the back of my head wondered what she must be thinking, staring at me in such a pathetic state.

I looked up at Sumie as she poured out more of the alcoholic beverage into my glass. She carefully eyed the liquid as my mind brought forth endless recollections of our times together: she took care of me over the past few years that I've known her. She truly was my guardian angel.

"Do you _really_ think that's what I should do?" I asked, hoping for something to hold on to while she was away.

"Don't worry. We'll be back before you know it! It's only the afternoon but in a blink of an eye, it'll be nightfall already and you'll be feeling better, after partying and dancing with yourself," she smiled sweetly, caressing my hair. "And we didn't bring any medicine for any sort of pain, so...just try to numb it all out for now." She placed the drink near my head, slightly moving away from me to continue doing what she needed to for the day out.

The thought saddened me. All because of my own shortcomings, I was forced to stay in and rest.

Sitting up, grabbing the glass and throwing my head back, I began to feel...a drill, somewhere along my esophagus. "This is making me feel...a bit worse. _Fuck..._ I don't want to puke..."

"Take it slow," Sumie advised, placing my head in the palm of her hand. "Maybe rest for a bit now and go back to your party for one later." With a laugh, she began to massage my head. "It does something to your liver and you end up puking the toxins from your body, or something like that. It'll be good, in the end."

A sudden giggle made its way out of my lungs as my cheeks began to burn more. "You shouldn't talk like you know this stuff. You should be giving me cold water instead, _idiot_."

She scoffed and poured me another shot. "Shut it and drink up."

I took the drink and soon, I tumbled backward on the mattress. "I can tell that there's something you're not telling me, but I'm too tipsy to give a fuck."

Appearing to be slightly stunned, she blinked, straightening her back. "You got me there. Let me help you out of those; you must be uncomfortable."

She reached forward and removed the straps of my overalls, then proceeded to remove my shirt. Goosebumps rose along my limbs at the sudden cold, but the comfort of the soft mattress entwined with the abruptness, decreasing the effects of bitterness.

 _Jeans are_ so _uncomfortable._

But the sleeping gown that she had presented to me had my eyes expand as large as golf balls; not just because it was exactly my taste, but also because it wasn't something Sumie would own.

" _What the hell?_ Why did you pack something like this?" a smirk stretched my lips not soon after. "Sumichan...are you planning on seducing someone tonight? Is that why you wore that pink shirt?"

"It doesn't matter," she sighed, placing the gown over me. "I don't think it'll work out."

I gasped. "Is it Fujisaki...?"

Snorting, she shook her head and pulled me up to adjust the gown and remove the rest of my overalls. "As _if_. He's in love with you, anyway."

"I wish his obsession would end already, _fuck!"_

"We _all_ do."

"What a waste," I smiled, looking down at myself and the silky dress. It was baby-pink, flimsy, and short. With the current weather in Japan, I wondered why she would pack such an obscene piece of clothing. "I would've liked to wear something like this to seduce someone. Where'd you get it?"

"Lingerie store a few blocks from my building. You know the place."

"Ah! Didn't think they'd have such good quality outfits." I swooned over it, feeling squishy. "All right, you can give me my _actual_ pajamas now."

Shaking her head, her voice rose. "No _way._ You look bomb in this! You'll be here all alone anyway, so just enjoy it while you can!"

_Why's she suddenly playing like this?_

Taking her words at face value, I hummed, blinking at her curiously as I lay back onto the mattress.

"Really. Have some fun with it." She winked.

I directed my gaze to the ceiling as her words replayed in my head, soon shutting my eyes and embracing the cool feeling of the garment; it sent tremors down my backbone and goosebumps to rise along my arms and legs. The open window didn't help either; the crisp wind blew in almost harshly, making the room a lot colder than it needed to be. The sun was shining brightly, but the weather almost belonged to a chilly night.

 _Then at night, it'll get a_ lot _colder._

But the atmosphere didn't matter; not at that moment — my body was heating with the poison I had drunk.

"I don't want anyone to stay behind for me," I muttered. "I don't want to be a burden on anyone..."

The feeling of being nothing more but a liability weighed down on my entire body, making me grit my teeth in anguish.

"You're not a burden, stop thinking that way." She rolled her eyes, tilting her head to the side as she studied my weary face. "No one's staying behind."

For some reason, I couldn't trust her words entirely. But I chose to, as a warm feeling slithered up my navel and threatened to leak out of my eyes.

"Nagachika's really something, hm?" she continued, looking at the bottle. "You really like him, don't you?"

My cheeks went a degree higher as I tried to _think_ about telling her the truth; my lethargic state, however, didn't help. I couldn't stop myself from extremely openly telling her how I felt. "I don't know. He makes me laugh and I kind of feel...warm and pink around him, _y'know?"_

"Pink is a good color," she smiled, beginning to emit a lighter aura. "And warm is a good feeling."

"Hmm... _I guess._ "

Stillness was an elephant in the room that refused to leave. I glanced at Sumie again, hoping for some sort of closure from her side.

"Sumichan...remember the first time we came up here?" I questioned, studying the patterns of the wood above me. "You and I thought it would be a good idea to explore the woods during the nighttime. I think Domoto and Hana joined us, too."

Sumie let out a comforting laugh, reminding me of how much she treasured our moments just as much as I did, no matter what happened between us. "Yeah, of course, I do. They both ditched us to have some of their 'alone-time' — then this critter came out of nowhere and we ran for it."

"We thought it was a wolf or a mountain lion or something — it turned out to be nothing more than a really loud squirrel," I allowed a sigh to follow after my laughter. Before I realized it, I was thinking of Hide once more as I shut my eyes. "You're right. I really like Hideyoshi."

"Are you planning on confessing that to him? Or are you waiting for him to tell you?" there was some sort of judgment in her tone; I could tell even in my drunken state, but I chose to pay it no attention.

"I want to tell him...maybe tonight when you guys get back. But I'm not sure...maybe I should just keep it physical. _Arée_...I don't know."

"Don't you think it's a bit too soon?"

For a brief moment, I wondered why she appeared to be against the idea. " _Yeah, but..._ I've grown somewhat attached to him in the past month. Sometimes it's like I've known him for years, and he makes it so much harder for me _not_ to like him. Complimenting me, giving me the impression that he likes me _back_...and when it unintentionally seems that I'm not interested in him, even for a second, he shows me that he's _worth_ it. That it's worth liking him, without forcing it, the way other guys do...Fujisaki, and every other male I've ever met, for example."

"Right...he has that effect on people."

"He shows me that he's worth my time, worth my emotions. Sometimes, I'm under the impression that...that it's no problem to _let_ myself grow attached to him; to let my mind think of him and only him. But it's not just that; he's also... _really_ fucking cute, Sumichan! Sometimes, I just want to look at him and _only_ look at him, and at times, when he runs a hand through his hair or looks like he's drowning in his thoughts, he becomes so handsome. And he's sexy, in his own, boyish way. He's not muscular, not my ideal type, but... _fuck,_ I just...his legs...his neck, his shoulders, his back... _oh,_ his fingers—"

"God, _I get it._ You're a perv beyond comprehension."

I sighed after briefly laughing. " _So..._ I'm sure I like him very much. When we argue and discuss things, whether a theory can be proven or whether he's wrong and I'm right, it's not...sensitive. It's so open and comforting, and not aggressive like one of us is _trying_ to win. He listens to me...takes in the information and _then_ forms his opinion; he doesn't wave off what I say just to hear his own voice.

"And he's warm," I continued, floating over myself with a smile. "He makes me warm, too. I like his smell...he smells nice. And I like his voice...it's my favorite thing to listen to these days," my eyes shifted towards her. "But...is it...is it really _too_ soon? Is it a bad idea?"

Tension swelled in the few seconds of silence before she elected to answer my question with another inquiry.

"You want my honest opinion?"

" _Of course_ , Sumie."

It was her turn to exhale. "I think you should just sleep with him and then cut ties with him."

Disbelief wrapped its strong fingers around my heart and squeezed as it pounded heavily. "What?" I propped myself up on my elbow, studying her features but finding nothing. It was either because I was losing myself, or because she genuinely thought so. "But every time I'm near him...and with Jin..."

"You _know_ I had to put up an act," she said solemnly. " _Especially_ in front of Jin. He relies on me to find you deeper relationships or whatever, but I personally think that it's better if you guys sleep with each other and then you move on. Nagachika's not exactly...who you'd want to be with, anyway. Trust me."

_But, I..._

_I don't want to just sleep with him anymore. I wanted more than that._

"But I want more than that," the words had leaped out with no intention of me letting them go. "...I think. I want _more_ than just...sex."

With another scoff, she shook her head. "Why? So that your heart would break again? So that he'd hurt you? At least if you'd _just_ sleep with him, your feelings won't get hurt. And you won't have to deal with something like what that Uehara Naoki put you through two years ago."

The mention of that specific name pinched my heart. Pressing my lips together, I put my arm down to face the ceiling once again.

Sumie had taken hold of my phone and turned off the music; it was silent before I could respond. "I'm not sure what I want..."

"You know what? Whatever you choose to do, you have my support."

Even though her words were kind, they felt somewhat forced, as if she believed in otherwise but only said that in order to make me feel some sort of relief.

 _"Please..._ don't tell me something I want to hear," I felt fuzzy as if my limbs were disappearing. "I don't like it."

"I'm not," she retorted. "I'm telling you the truth, that I think you should sleep with him and then forget about him. It's up to you, in the end."

Humming, I shut my eyes. "Maybe you're right..."

"I usually am. Anyway, I've already delayed them. I'm going to put on my socks and leave. Need anything to keep you company?"

"Just another bottle, _I guess._ Mine is almost finished."

"No worries. If you and Nagachika were going to get it on, then you'd need it, right? You told me you were never sober for all the times you slept with random dudes," she laughed, and it hurt. My chest ached at the choice of her words. "You were so drunk you barely remembered anything, right?"

But I forced my features to remain neutral. "Yeah."

Hearing some movement from her side, I assumed that she had gotten up to grab her things and walked towards the door. I was too busy focusing on my thoughts to actually do something; to actually tell Sumie to stay a little longer and ask her why she sounded so...condescending.

"You have my support," she said from above me, where the door stood. "Trust me, all right?"

With that, she was out of the room, leaving me with my over-analytical thoughts and the tears that flooded my eyes and leaked out. I sat up, heaving in several breaths, trying to erase how I felt before anyone else might want to enter and say something to me.

For reason unknown, my insides were crumbling.

 _I don't want to have sex with him_ only _. I wanted more...he means more to me than a one night stand._

_...I'm not going to sleep with him. I'm not doing any of that._

Pouring myself another glass, I threw my head back and drank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With italics in quotations, she's speaking in French. Since we're seeing things from Miri's POV, we understand it, however, Hide is hearing it in French, and therefore, doesn't know what she's saying.
> 
> This is what she's been saying:
> 
> "My dear?" - Ma chère?
> 
> "What?" - Quoi?
> 
> "I guess..." - Je pense...
> 
> "Fuck..." - Putain
> 
> "Idiot" - Con
> 
> "What the hell?" - C'est quoi ce bordel? 
> 
> "Y'know?" - T'sais
> 
> "Yeah, but..." - Oui, mais...
> 
> "So..." - Alors
> 
> "Of course," - Bien sûr
> 
> "Please..." - S'il ti plaît...


	19. ⦋ Bathed in Possession ⦌

— _**2018**_

 _ **word count**_ — _2642_

♪

An odd sensation clawed at my chest as we drove to the gate. Staring out the window, I was gently shaking my leg as thoughts of Mirélle, alone in the cabin, haunted me.

_She'll be fine on her own...I think._

But I clenched my teeth as the scene of what happened minutes ago replayed behind my eyelids; did I like Mirélle enough to care for her, even after discovering such a... _suggestive_ past?

Jin cleared his throat as he lowered his window and showed the guard his ID; however, this time, the guard asked for all of our IDs.

"Maybe it's a precaution," the black-haired man muttered.

"No biggie," I responded, pulling out my wallet and handing him my card.

Sumie, seated at my left, reached over as well and gave Jin her ID. She appeared to have relaxed after the incident in the cabin; I just wasn't sure I wanted to be around her at that moment.

"Where did they say they were waiting?" Norio questioned, claiming shot-gun as usual.

"Yamashiro told me they were somewhere close by, actually,"

As Jin drove down the hill and continued to answer Norio's questions, Sumie cleared her throat to grab my attention. I swallowed as I turned to her; my heart pounded further as I wished Mirélle was with us.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, her eyes going to Norio and Jin, and the couple behind us. "For bringing up the past."

"It's not about bringing up the past," Jin was still angry, but he bottled it up the same way I had been, and the same way I had kept the 'Jin and Mirélle' questions to myself. "Did you hear yourself _at all_ back there?"

Norio picked up his can of beer and lightly sipped; it made me wonder whether he was used to drinking during the afternoon like that or if he was spiraling, almost like Mirélle with her alcohol.

"Why would you say that about her?" Jin's voice was a mix of exasperation and despair. "Why would you call her that and say all of those things...in front of someone new, too?"

I was marginally surprised that he referred to me at all; surprised that he even needed to.

_Was I already in too deep with them? Sure, I was glad to have joined, but I never knew that my presence meant that much._

_Or maybe...maybe he meant it on behalf of Mirélle._

"I thought I was doing the right thing," her voice was small, but not exactly apologetic. "If Nagachika were to get into something serious with Mirélle, shouldn't he know about her past?"

"Of course, but not from you!" he said loudly, letting out a chuckle that could only translate to frustration. "And that word that you used — that unnecessary word that you used. Is that really what you think of her? Knowing how much she loves and cares about you?"

Sumie's anger pulled through, despite the position she was in. "If you're still mad at me, then why did you agree to me coming?"

"Because I don't want you near her, not after the things you said about her."

"You're overreacting," she huffed. Everyone else was silent as they argued; even if I wanted to interfere, I would've been shoved out of the conversation. "You know that saying, right? Sticks and stones—"

"Overreacting, huh?" interrupted Jin. "You think so?"

"...Yes."

As a shock, Domoto agreed from behind me. "She's right, in a way..."

Jin lifted his head to glance at the rearview mirror. "Yeah? And what makes you say that?"

"She didn't _actually_ hurt Uchisan...she just said some shit about her. As far as we're concerned, Uchisan is physically safe from what Delafose said. Isn't that what matters?"

It took a moment for Jin (and practically everyone else, including me) to properly process Domoto's ridiculous words.

"That's beyond the point," the resentment spoke for me as I looked at Domoto over my shoulder, the tension from my teeth melting. "If someone you believed was your closest friend said something like that about you — someone you loved, and believed that they loved you back, you'd be OK with it?"

"I mean...as long as I'm fine, I wouldn't care. I would forgive and forget; we all make mistakes—"

"Really?" Jin shouted, pulling down his window and placing a cigarette between his lips. "All right, Domoto. Imagine this: someone talks about Esashi and says, 'hey, just give her some money and she's all yours'. You're telling me that you won't pound that son-of-a-bitch? You're gonna sit there and tell me that you'd be OK with that shit?

"If your answer is yes, then you've got to sort out your priorities."

Domoto, however, didn't respond.

Sumie inhaled. "I just thought—"

"No, you didn't," Jin's intense emotions mimicked the ones I struggled to keep inside. "You didn't think of anyone but yourself."

He raised the volume of the music, loud enough that none of us would be able to hear each other speak, not that I needed to voice out what was going on in my head.

_How long ago was it that she slept with the other guys? If Sumie had continued, how many names would I have counted?_

_Did she sleep with girls, too?_

_...How long ago was it...that she slept with Jin?_

_If no one else knew he was a Ghoul, then_ _Mirélle, surely, must've been the only one to know._

Minutes passed as I stared out the window and bit the insides of my mouth, pondering over the revelations of Mirélle's former life and her loneliness in the large chalet. For the most part, I had hoped that she was resting, instead of acting out of impulse and possibly hurting herself.

_She's that kind of girl after all, isn't she?_

_What if she smokes and drinks to the point of unconsciousness? Shouldn't we check up on her? Shouldn't we give her a call?_

"What did Mirélle mean," Domoto shouted over the music, even though the song had gone softer. "When she said that thing about hacking?"

I was about to answer, but Jin beat me to the punch, saying something I was going to but didn't expect him to say, as he lowered the volume. "She was drunk, don't take it too seriously."

_...So, he knew about her computer skills. He knew to hide it, too._

_Did he know everything else she did as well? Did he know how she spent her days and the fact that she was basically training to become a killer of his kind?_

_Were they...more deeply involved with each other? Was it all in the past or was it also happening now?_

Taking in a deep inhale, I shook my head briefly, abruptly catching sight of a girl in fiery red hair, walking next to a brown-haired man. "Hey, is that Yamashiro?" I tapped Jin on the shoulder and pointed at the duo.

"Good eye," he beeped at them before proceeding to race towards what appeared to be a gathering of people, and...a mall? "They'll catch up to us."

After a few laps around the parking lot, Jin finally found an empty space. We got out of the Jeep and met up with Yamashiro Haru and Akagawa Ryūnosuke; a man I had recognized from the night before, during the festival. He was one of the guys that praised the girls a _lot_ when they were performing.

His hair was light brown and almost fell over his eyes that, when he took off his sunglasses, seemed to be wavering between green and grey. He was almost as tall as Jin, and he wore a grey shirt underneath a darker-grey blazer, along with black pants that he folded up to his ankles. He didn't wear any socks with his shiny shoes.

"Just Hide is fine!" as I bowed and properly introduced myself to him, a smile took residence upon his features.

"Ah, I remember you!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger at me. "You're Mirélle's man!"

The statement caught me off guard and my expression changed; furrowing my brows, I shook my head. "Mirélle's man? What do you mean?"

"You said, 'my Miri'!" he chuckled lively, reaching for the cigarette behind his ear. "And you two were looking at each other like there wasn't an entire student body around you,"

"You should've seen them _after_ the opening acts, when the band started performing," Yamashiro continued with a pretty grin, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. She wore a short black t-shirt with black and white striped pants that went up to her waist, and somehow, I saw a similarity between her and Mirélle.

And that was when it hit me.

 _...Yamashiro Haru is the girl on Mirélle's phone wallpaper. She was younger and her hair was brown, but that was_ definitely _her._

"They make a cute couple. I'm so happy for Mimi." Her green eyes landed on me. "You better be treating her right!"

It felt as if something inside me had quaked. Scratching the back my head, I let out a chuckle. "We're not dating!"

Akagawa squinted at me as if he knew otherwise. "Right, you're not," he winked. "Where's Mirélle anyway? It's weird seeing you without her, Jin."

Jealousy poked at me from his words; I glanced at Jin, seeing him adjust his sunglasses. He looked back and, at a certain angle, with the sun directly above us, I could faintly see the outline of his eyes.

"She's still at the chalet," he answered, lighting up the cigarette along with Akagawa's. "She ate something and caught stomach flu."

"Holy cow," Yamashiro exclaimed, in English. "Is she alone?"

"Yeah, but," Sumie was the one to answer, surprisingly. "We won't stay out long so we'll get back to her soon."

Yamashiro glanced at Sumie; her gaze lingered for a few seconds before she turned to Jin once more. "OK...still, I can't believe you left her alone! What kind of friend are you?"

"Ah, I'll go back in a bit to check up on her," muttered Jin sheepishly, his cheeks beginning to bloom in color. "I feel bad for leaving, too."

"We all do, to be honest," said Norio, to which I loudly agreed to.

"Should we cancel and go back?" I suggested, beginning to feel antsy.

But Jin shook his head. "We all took time to come out here. We'll head back in a few hours, how does that sound?"

Everyone nodded in agreement, while Akagawa winked at me once more.

"It's OK to be worried about your girlfriend."

An hour had passed since we paid and entered the large area filled with people, and all I could think of was what had happened earlier that afternoon in the chalet.

However, I made an effort to be interested in our activities. It was a large, _large_ hall that was part festival, part amusement park, part concert, and part mall. The ceiling was abnormally high and parts of it allowed the sun's rays to shine in through the glass. Even though the weather outside was already pretty windy, there was still air conditioning within the massive space.

As if that weren't enough; the more I turned around and widened my eyes in awe, the more I discovered. There were doors that aligned every corner of the hall, and all of them led to an outside extension for _more_ activities. On the far right stood a sign that pointed to us where everything was, along with a puppet that held up a schedule of shows and plays that were going to occur in a private theater.

"Damn, is that for free?!"

"Why do you think the entrance was so expensive?"

"Shit, no way! What about the food?"

"Ah...yep, you're going to pay for that. Apart from food and shopping, pretty much everything else is for free."

I frowned in confusion when I first laid my eyes on everything and everyone: there were adults shopping, children running and playing around, couples on dates and even students studying. Then, once everything sunk in, I had wished that Kaneki and Mirélle were with us.

_I'll bring you here next time, Ken!_

Preoccupying myself with almost every activity out there still couldn't chase out the bloodsucking thoughts that invaded my personal space. After we had watched a sad performance about Ghouls (another PSA) and rode on a couple of roller coasters and different rides, we found ourselves seated in the outside food court, practically tanning under the sun. While we had all ordered meals, Jin was the only one drinking coffee.

"Had a big lunch before getting here," he chuckled.

"You went to the bathroom for literally twenty minutes after that," Sumie pointed out. I didn't mean to roll my eyes, but I was suddenly doing so. "You're sure you don't want anything?"

"I'm sure," he responded curtly, immediately looking away.

Every time I looked at Jin, my appetite had dwindled and all that I could feel was a faint tickle of revulsion. In my mind, the previous weekend replayed, over and over; his hands all around her legs and his fingers wrapped around her waist.

_It was bad enough that I kept thinking of Kaneki and the CCG, the Ghouls and Anteiku. Now, this?_

_Man, why was I rushing into getting a girlfriend? I really wasn't thinking straight._

_If Kaneki were here..._

_**If you like her a lot, then forget about her past and listen to what Jin said.** _

_Huh, Jin. Her first kiss, maybe even the first man she slept with._

_**Hide, think about it for a while.** _

_I've been thinking about it for_ more _than a while, man!_

Clenching my teeth, I forcefully swallowed the burger as my eyes briefly skidded over everyone sitting with me, skipping Jin since all I could imagine was him _with_ her, _on_ her, _kissing_ her...

The images had triggered my gag reflexes. I looked at Sumie, finding another unpleasant emotion rise up within me at her sight. Esashi had barely said anything about it, but it was no surprise to her that Jin and Mirélle had done things together; which made sense, since, I had that feeling as well ever since the beach.

_But having it confirmed...changes everything._

The memory brought back Esashi's voice, mumbling to me whilst she was tipsy. "They're close, but nothing between them."

Then I looked at Norio and Domoto, who sat beside each other. Norio was in love with Mirélle and his intentions were pure. Still, that didn't mean he didn't want a little _piece_ of her. Domoto was overall a pervert; he didn't only want to have sex with Mirélle, but he also wanted to do it with everything that moved, as long as it had a pair of boobs.

Even though he had a girlfriend, he still acted as if he were deprived.

When my eyes landed on the newcomer, Akagawa Ryūnosuke, I couldn't help but wonder if he had already slept with her or _wanted_ to sleep with her. The way he had said her name indicated absolutely no malicious intent, and during the night of the festival, he praised every performer with passion. He innocently chewed his food as he and Jin cracked jokes, and I couldn't see anything suspicious about him.

Still... _still..._

Every guy I looked at, I suddenly pictured with her. The faces she made when she looked at me applied to every man she sat on; the way she swayed her hair only had me thinking of all the people that ran their fingers through it. All of their fingerprints on her, all of them squeezing and touching her, all of them kissing her _everywhere_ , all of them... _all of them..._

Bile rose up my throat as I blinked away tears from the reaction; I put my hand over my mouth as I dropped my burger, unable to force it down anymore.


	20. ⦋ Unrequited Dream ⦌

— _**2018**_

 _ **word count**_ — _3504_

♪

"Looks like the roller coasters are biting you in the ass," Norio chuckled, taking a large sip from his soft drink. I forced a grin to my face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it came. "Dude, you don't look so hot."

"You think?" I managed to let out as I began rubbing my face.

"Come on, the bathroom's inside." It was no other than Jin that offered up his services. Swallowing whatever bitter emotion I had held in, I stood up and followed his lead to the lavatory, realizing that it was all stress-induced.

"You good?" he questioned as he fixed his hair.

After washing my face, I gave him a nod as I looked up at my own reflection. It was the same look I had on my face when I first found out about Kaneki, having worry consume me; when I tried to get the ORC off of Kaneki's back, and when I had found out that Nishiki and Jin were Ghouls.

"Honestly," my voice almost broke as I wiped my mouth, turning to Jin on my right. "I can't stop thinking about what Sumie said."

There was a twitch along Jin's features. He turned away to look at the mirror once more. "Turn off?"

"You could say that..."

He sighed. "I don't know what to tell you. You wanna leave?"

My breath caught in my throat. "Huh?"

"Do you want to go home? The ride home is a lot shorter, so you won't have to spend an hour on the road." His overprotection of Mirélle was one of the most intimidating parts of him.

"N-no, I didn't say I wanted to go home."

"Then you're willing to see her again? And not act all...weird?"

 _I don't know._ "Yeah, sure! It's still Mirélle!"

He chuckled, but it was fake. "I thought she wanted you to call her Miri." He left the bathroom without looking back, and I let out a breath I was holding in.

As I stood in the public bathroom, drowning out the sounds of strangers chatting, I kept reminding myself of one thing: _it was all in the past._

"Ah, the man of the hour!" Yamashiro Haru, a girl who seemed to love Mirélle with all her heart, exclaimed once I rejoined the table. Studying the redhead as I took my seat, I found her dialing up a number and putting the phone on loudspeaker.

"What's going on?" I asked, taking a quick glance at Jin.

But everyone was silent as the phone rang, waiting to be picked up.

" _Alo?"_ the sound of her voice had my stomach rumbling and my palms sweating. Out of the blue, I grew nervous.

"Mimi," Yamashiro sang, setting the phone down at the center of the table as she continued to eat. "You're on speaker!"

"H-Haru?" Mirélle sounded tired, almost like she had just woken up, or was half asleep. "Is everything OK, _ma_ _chère?"_

"You're cute!" Yamashiro chirped back. "Everything's good! Ryū-san and I are nearby with Jin and the others. Say 'hi', everyone!"

Mirélle gasped; she sounded almost sober. " _Arée!_ Are you two coming up?"

"In a couple hours," replied Jin. "Hope that's all right with you!"

" _B_ _ien sûr!_ Enjoy! Tell me how it goes, and Sumichan," the brunette looked up at the mention of her name. "Please tell me that the bathrooms there are cleaner now! And thanks for the sleeping dress, it's so comfortable! Ah, I should really buy my own one,"

_She was still, definitely, intoxicated._

The look on Sumie's face made it evident that she was ashamed to talk to Mirélle in front of us, but she cleared her throat, resting her hand on her neck. "It's still dirty,"

" _Putain!_ Remember last time we went up there? _Arée,_ is everyone listening? We went into the bathroom and used up _all_ the soap and tissues just to clean the toilet seat! I even have a video, I'll show it to you when you guys are back!"

_Ahh...she's so cute when she's excited._

"We'll see you soon!" Yamashiro said but didn't hang up just yet. Instead, she looked at me and smiled cunningly. "Hideyoshi-san's worried about you and he misses you!"

I almost choked on my drink as I began to cough, but forced it down once I heard Mirélle speak once more.

"Ah...Hide?" her playful tone shifted to something softer, and my heart began to pound. "Is he there right now?"

Turning to me again, Yamashiro's lips went up in a smirk. Clearing my throat and wiping my hands, I responded loudly, "Yeah, Mirélle, I'm here!"

She giggled, and I melted. They all must've taken notice since Yamashiro's smile widened and a chain of slight laughter traveled through the rest.

"I hope you're having fun," Mirélle continued, sighing. "I would've loved to be there, too."

With a broad grin and a nod, Yamashiro handed me the phone and shooed me off the table. I pressed my lips together as I forced myself not to smile, getting up and removing Mirélle from the speaker.

"It would've been a lot more fun if you were here!" I had said the words without knowing if I meant them, but then I realized that I did. "Is there anything here that you recommend?"

"Oh, there's a lot." She laughed. "There's a really, really tall ride outside, somewhere on the right from the food court, I think; it's the tallest thing there, you can't miss it. Then there's a really big swing that's similar to the one that, you know, drops you...? But instead, it's a swing that sways while it's _really_ high up! And there's a roller coaster that _stops_ midair and then drops you back...! Ah! And you _have_ to try paintball and virtual reality, but only when it's about time to leave. There's so much more, I think, but I can't remember much.

"On the inside, there's a pastry stand that has the most delicious... _everything._ The entire stand smells good and all of their food is... _fantastique!"_

I could imagine her expression as she spoke, and it drew an over-sized beam on my face. "Thanks, Mirélle! I'll be sure to keep an eye out," I proceeded to tell her everything else that we had done; the rides that we took and the food that we were eating, along with the play that we had watched.

She sighed as she said my name and warmth bloomed at the back of my eyes. "Is it weird that I already miss you?"

Biting my lip, I ran a hand through my hair. "Not at all; I miss you too."

"Really?" she sounded upset. "Why didn't you come and say bye?"

"I thought you were resting...I didn't want to disturb you."

"Hide...when it's you, you're not disturbing. _D'accord?"_

I blinked, inhaling deeply. "All right, Miri."

"Am I off speaker-phone?"

"Yeah, it's just me now."

Another giggle came from her end, and I could almost imagine her sly, catlike grin, just from the tone of her voice. "Should I convince you to come back sooner?"

"Why? Did you order some good food?"

"Unless you're planning on having me for dinner..."

I coughed and cleared my throat. "Ah, Miri...you're still drunk, huh?"

"What gave me away?"

"You're so bold when you're drunk!"

"Do you like that?"

 _Jeez. My entire head is burning up!_ "I'm outside, be careful with what you say!"

She laughed. "Should I take a picture of myself and send it to you?"

"No!" I had all but shouted. "No, just...wait for me."

A part of me couldn't believe that I was having that conversation; that part of me kept me sane and kept reminding me that I was talking to a drunken Mirélle. If she weren't so out of it, I probably would have agreed to the photo.

"You're missing out," she teased, still mildly chuckling. "There's some serious boob action going on here."

I shook my head as I suppressed a laugh. "What a way to put it."

"Ah, _bon;_ you're more of an ass kind of guy."

"What?!" I had almost tripped. Mirélle continued to speak and laugh, but Yamashiro called out from the table behind me.

"I'm on a prepaid plan, man! Hang up!"

Coughing once again, I quickly told Miri that I had to hang up.

"I'll miss your voice," she said sweetly, almost nostalgically. "See you soon, Hide."

"See you," and I hung up regretfully, rotating and wandering towards the table. I handed Yamashiro her phone back, but all she did was let out a snicker. Biting my lip, I glanced up at her. "What?"

"Look at you," she ragged, elbowing Akagawa at her side. "All smiles and giggles."

"I'm not..."

"Look, your ears are all red. What kind of conversation did you guys have?"

"We talked about food!"

"Is that all you talked about?"

The entire table began to tease me, and it felt like I was in third grade. Rolling my eyes, I picked up my drink and sipped slowly, watching people go by as I grinned.

♫

_Who was I kidding?_

Four hours had passed and my fingers were still drumming on several surfaces and my foot kept tapping beyond control. Ever since the phone call, I couldn't get her out of my head. I rushed through the activities while having as much fun as I could, and bought a few pastries from the mobile vendor that Miri went on about.

Sunset was nearly approaching and I had already felt bad about choosing to go with Jin and the rest; not because I wanted to see Miri in whatever it was that she was describing—although, I _did_ want to—but because she sent a message to Sumie about feeling worse. I hoped that sobriety had made its way to her, but more than anything, I wanted to make sure she was fine, in every sense of the word.

While we stood in another line, I tapped Jin on the shoulder as I questioned, completely fidgety, "When are we going back? It's been a couple hours."

He first glanced at me over his shoulder before rotating entirely to face me, his brows furrowed. "Soon...a few more hours, maybe. It's what, four? Four-thirty? Maybe in six hours, or seven; depending on when everything will close, really."

My eyes widened and my jaw almost dropped. "But that's so late!"

"Yeah, well," he shook his head gently, as though he wasn't expecting me to react that way. "We don't come here often, so we'd like to make the most of it!"

"All right," I had all but shouted, slapping my hands together. "How much is a taxi from here to the gate?"

For a brief moment, Jin appeared taken aback. "You want to go back?"

I nodded vigorously — I was practically headbanging.

"You could've just said something," he chuckled genuinely as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'll drive you back."

Thanking him with all my might, we both headed towards the exit, or rather — I ran to the exit, while Jin followed close behind me.

"Where are you going?" Yamashiro had asked once she saw us leave the queue.

"Hideyoshi wants to go back to the chalet to check up on Miri."

The redhead gasped. "May I come, too? I want to see Mimi,"

However, Jin was quick to wave away her question, and I wasn't even surprised anymore. It kept me hopeful: the fact that they had a long history, but he was still pushing me to be the one by her side. "We'll all go back eventually; I'll just send Hide there for now. I don't want to make four trips."

"What if Hideyoshi wants to come back?"

I shook my head. "I have to stay there to take care of her properly! I can't abandon her _twice."_

_I already felt like crap for leaving her behind the first time._

Yamashiro rolled her green eyes but smirked. "Fine. Have fun."

"Be back in forty minutes," declared Jin, and we were off.

As we drove in the silence, Jin couldn't help but sense the tension in the atmosphere in the closed space between us.

"Something on your mind?" he asked, tapping his index finger on the steering wheel.

"I know that you want me to hear these things from Miri," I confessed as I looked at him on my right, letting out an exhale I had been holding in. "But can you tell me a few things?"

Before Jin could respond, he gritted his teeth in order to fight back an obvious smile. "Sure, Hideyoshi. Whatever feels right from _my_ perspective, I'll let you know. Other things...you're going to have to talk to _her_ about."

"Got it," I inhaled once again, my leg involuntarily shaking. "How long ago was it, that you and Mirélle kissed and...you know..."

He took a quick peek at me. "Going straight in with that one, huh?"

"I couldn't stop thinking about it. Every time I looked at you, it came up, so I want to know..."

"Hm...we were pretty young. Teenagers...about six or seven years ago."

My heart almost dropped to my feet simply out of shock, and — complete and utter relief. "That was... _very_ long ago."

"Yeah, we've known each other...practically our whole lives," he chuckled.

"And...the others?"

"The others...were a habit that she gave up on around four or three years ago."

"Do you know how many?"

He paused to look at me, and then looked to the street again.

"Do you know who was her last kiss...?"

Jin clicked his tongue. "Hide..."

"Right, sorry," shaking my head, I bit my lip. "What about...her drinking?"

He sighed, making a right turn and allowing the sun's glare to hit me in the face. "Today's the only time she's pulled something like this: the last time was _also_ years ago. It's weird..." he shook his head, as if in disbelief. "It's like you bring out both the best and worst in her."

I didn't know if I was supposed to be flattered or not.

"But other times when we'd drink, before you came in, her hands weren't limited to just _one_ person..."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...she gets drunk and touchy, and you've witnessed _and_ have been a part of that, right?"

"Yeah..."

"But before you met her, she was basically like that with _everyone_ around her. She wasn't as flirty, which would be the _only_ major difference, but still touchy with us _all_. You get what I'm saying?"

"I...I think so." I wasn't sure if my contemplations were correct, but I didn't want to ask for details.

"It's just you, Hide. She's like that with you. The last time she felt that way about someone...it didn't really end well..."

Pressing my lips together, my curiosity grew. "When was that?"

"It wasn't me if that's what you're wondering," he let out another gentle snicker. "Sometime...two or three years ago. You can ask her about it if you want."

"I don't think now is a good time," I chuckled as well. "Maybe a bit after, when she's soberer."

_Only like that with me? What did that mean?_

Abruptly, his stomach growled.

"Hungry?" I had already known the answer to my question.

"Ah, no, no. Yamashiro made me eat some fries...damn, so greasy. Then I went on a ride and...I think I just need the bathroom." His laugh was sheepish as he pulled down the window for a cigarette.

_Hmm..._

"Yamashiro...how long has _she_ known Miri?"

"They're childhood friends, I believe. They were friends way before Miri and I met."

My eyes briefly widened. "So, she's been there through it all?"

"In a way, yeah...you could say that."

_It was like how Kaneki and I practically grew up together. But what changed between them? Why weren't they as close as they used to be?_

"Are you done?" Jin laughed as we entered the compound. "Anything more you'd like to ask?"

Truthfully, I wanted to ask about her involvement in the CCG and how he felt about it as a Ghoul. But instead, I grinned. "Can I call shotgun?"

He laughed. "And sit in front while your _senior_ sits behind you?"

"When you put it like that..."

"Who would sit next to Mirélle then?" he paused. "Do you like her, still?"

The Jeep was silent for a few seconds. "Do you?"

It was almost as if he wasn't expecting me to ask such a question. "Of course. I love her and I always will. Do _you?"_

Chewing on my bottom lip, I answered his question. "Yeah, I do."

_I do._

"Good, then. I'm glad." We fell quiet once again before he spoke. "Oh, right. How's your friend? ...The missing kid? Kaneki Ken, right? Any luck?"

My heart pounded. "No luck yet; no new leads. I doubt anyone's even investigating..."

Jin must've known Kaneki from his time working at Anteiku; he must've known that Kaneki was a Ghoul of some sort. Heck, they were probably even good friends, even though they never hung out on campus grounds.

"That's ridiculous," he exclaimed. "Why wouldn't anyone pick up the case?"

 _Because he's a Ghoul, and no one gives a shit about Ghouls except for Ghoul investigators. And_ not _in a good way._

"There's already a lot going on," I mumbled, trying to keep a level head. "There's that new Ghoul gang & a Ghoul that's been stealing bodies, according to the news. Not to mention how high the crime rate is going because everyone's so preoccupied with Ghouls; now _humans_ get away with doing stuff!"

Jin hummed as we pulled up to the chalet. "I hope they find him soon."

_Anteiku. The place where Ghouls went for information, for safety, and for directions._

_Jin...maybe Jin knew of Kaneki's whereabouts. How could I ask him without letting it out that I knew his secret?_

"Yeah...me too." I stepped out of the Jeep and walked up to the door, expecting Jin to follow but not seeing him do so.

"I'm heading back," he called out from the window, not stepping out of the Jeep. "Take care of each other, yeah?"

"I think you mean take care of her," I chuckled, almost opening the door. "Wait, what if she...y'know..."

"Blast my phone up with SOS texts, and we'll see how it goes from there." He laughed with a raised brow and a nod, then drove away.

_Great...just what I needed._

The chalet was quiet when I had entered; quiet, except for the excessive buzzing from a phone's vibration on the coffee table.

"Mirélle?" advancing forward as I closed the door, I saw that the television was on, but there was no one in the living room. Mirélle's phone that carried a cat charm vibrated so vigorously that it fell off the coffee table and onto the carpet.

With a sigh, I turned off the TV and picked up her phone, sneaking a peek at the screen. There were about 8 missed calls from a contact called 'Guan-sensei' and about 5 from people called 'Ganaha' and 'Kaiser'; an unread text from Yamashiro and a few others from Sumie, who was still actively texting Miri.

**𝚂𝚞𝚖𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗:**  
𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙨𝙚𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙩!

I bit the insides of my lip as my eye twitched. Silencing the phone, I placed it on the coffee table again and headed towards the girl's room.

"Mirélle?" knocking gently on the door made no difference; there was still no response. As I waited for a few seconds, all that occupied my mind was the dialogue that I was preparing for when I was to come face to face with her. More than anything, I wanted to confront her about the relationship between us.

The deeper I went into the chalet, the more confused I got with the point I was trying to make.

_It's fine. It won't be that hard!_

I made my way up the stairs and checked in all the rooms and bathrooms, not finding her anywhere. At the end of the hallway, a small curve connected both corridors; however, the second one had a balcony all of its own.

_I'll just walk up to her and ask, 'hey, Mirélle...what are we?'_

The first thing that I checked was the balcony; I was greeted with a friendly breeze and streaks of orange from straight ahead. Following the light, I looked below and saw the onsen and — _a koi pond?!_

The place was a _lot_ more expensive than I had first assumed.

_'We've been flirting non-stop ever since we met and we've been intimate by hugging, wouldn't you say?_

_You've also kissed me on the cheek in a very non-_ la-bise _kind of way, and honestly, we've turned each other on already.'_

Once I left the balcony, I checked the last two remaining rooms and bathroom, but still saw no one.

' _A lot, actually. Back and forth, be real with me. And we know that we both want to kiss each other. I want to kiss you all the time. And any time that I feel like it.'_

Discreetly, I headed back downstairs to the empty living room and checked the backyard, only to amble back to the rooms.

_'So. Are you my girlfriend? Or what. What is this?'_

_See! That can't be so bad!_

"Mirélle?" I knocked on the girl's door again and slowly opened it to look inside, only to find Mirélle wrapped up in blankets with her eyes closed. Her head was almost directly in front of the door, and I could see her features as clear as day.

The sight of her made my nerves act up and my ears burn and I was suddenly sweating; I didn't know whether I wanted to puke or otherwise. But something felt like it wanted to come out of me.

The phone call replayed in my head, and I chuckled.

_Jeez, we really just flirt all the damn time. I adored how shy she usually was when we flirted, too; it made her so much harder to resist._

Closing the door, I pulled out some snacks and headed towards the living room, watching TV as I waited for her to wake up.


	21. ⦋ So Devious ⦌

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ !!WARNING!! explicit content 5/5; this chapter deals with a character in a drunken state that makes sexual advances, which can be seen as a form of non-consensual touching. Only proceed if such matters do not trigger you. If you wish to skip it, please go on to the next chapter! ]

— _rewritten_ _**2018**_

"𝑰𝒇 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏, 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒅𝒓𝒊𝒛𝒛𝒍𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒆." -𝑱𝒐𝒉𝒏 𝑮𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒏.

 _ **word count**_ — _4122_

**♫**

An hour after I grew bored with the TV and snacks, I went back to exploring the rest of the house, even though I had already seen everything. A map of the chalet hung beside the sliding door to the backyard, and I couldn't help but chuckle at the outline of the second floor.

_Yep. Looks like a penis._

There was nothing left to do and I wished that civilization wasn't so far from where the chalets were; then again, it would defeat the purpose of staying in such a secluded area.

_Who would want to stay in a fortress like this anyway?_

_...Other than Kaneki, obviously. He would've had the time of his life up here. He was a walking contradiction._

Squatting near the koi pond, I watched the fish swim slowly in every direction. Once they took notice of me, a lot of them gathered to where I observed them, hungrily opening up their mouths.

"And if I weren't here, who'd feed you?" I stood up and crossed the mini bridge over the pond, which led to the other half of the backyard, where the onsen was built. A little on top of the pond stood what appeared to be a birdhouse, but opening it, I found packets and cans of fish food. I strolled back to where I originally sat and started to feed them.

"You just come to me for food."

When the fish dispersed, I sighed and stood up, feeling my pockets for my phone before realizing that I left it beside Miri's on the coffee table. The sun was on the verge of setting, bringing back the negative emotions I'd been yo-yo-ing in the silence.

"I'm going away now," I muttered, watching the fish swim by without a care in the world. "No food until I get back."

I washed my hands and changed into pajamas, reaching for my phone and seeing a few messages from classmates and other festival committee members.

"It's the weekend and they're still worrying about uni..."

The smell of something sweet hit me straight in the gut; looking over my shoulder, I spotted the light blue paper bag that I rested upon the kitchen counter, abruptly recalling that I wasn't alone in the cabin.

_Maybe I should wake her up..._

But instead, I found myself facing a blank message, addressed to my best friend.

𝙷𝚎𝚢

—was all I could type before a _thump_ was heard from the girls' room.

"Huh?" turning around, I stood and waited. "Mirélle?"

Another noise sounded off and I swiftly threw my phone onto the couch, striding to the door in large steps.

"Mirélle?" I called out, opening the door in the process. A gentle, cool gust of wind greeted me as the sight of the girl brought about emotions that contradicted the weather. She was wrapped up in multiple layers, facing the wall.

Treading to her direction, I crossed my legs and rested on the wall in front of her, below the window. She didn't look at me right away – occupied with keeping herself warm. A fallen glass lay near her head, while an empty bottle accompanied it. Out of the blue, the scent of alcohol tickled my nose and wrapped itself around me, as if the sight of the liquor triggered it.

_...Just how much did she have?_

"Are you OK?" the room grew darker than I had expected it to as the sun disappeared, and the only light source was the lights of the corridor.

She hummed before replying. "I tried to close the window...but when I stood up, I fell. So I went back to bed."

Chuckling, I stood and closed the window, immediately returning to my position. She released a heavy exhale, soon meeting my gaze. "Can you come closer to me...?"

I swallowed. "As in?"

"It would be nice if..." she smiled gently. "I mean, I don't feel so good right now, _t'sais..._ when you feel sick and you just want someone near you?"

I returned the expression as I pushed myself towards her. "Now what?"

"Not like that," she laughed as she clicked her tongue, turning away. "Come and lie down beside me."

Butterflies filled my stomach as my heartbeat sped; I must've been frozen for a while, because Mirélle continued with, "We don't have to share blankets if you're worried about that...I just want you to rub my arm, _ou quelque chose comme_ _ça_ _."_

My fingers tingled as my insides quivered. _It was going to lead to this one way or the other...wasn't it...?_

"All right," I gave in, feeling my heartbeat all over me, wondering if she could see how much I was shaking or _hear_ how anxious I had sounded. I gulped down what felt like upchuck as I stood and took the empty space on Miri's right, quickly covering myself with the sheets. "No funny business!"

Mirélle rotated to me, her catlike grin in play. "No funny business, _capitaine."_

"I'm here to take care of you, so your wishes are my command, Miri- _hime_."

"Didn't you just say 'no funny business'?" giggling, she shifted closer. "Here."She brought out her left arm and guided me.

"OK." I slowly placed my hand on her bare shoulder. "Like this?" I chuckled, still hoping it wasn't obvious how nervous I was; hoping that my hand wasn't too sweaty.

"Have you never taken care of someone sick?" she asked playfully, placing her hand on my arm instead and rubbing me lightly. "Like that."

"The only way I've taken care of someone sick," I grunted, moving close and putting my hand on her arm, again – doing it right. "Is by giving them medicine, sending them some food and blowing up their phone. I think only babies prefer it your way!"

" _Hein?"_ she glanced at me; her eyes fixed and unmoving. "Then I'm your baby." She gradually lifted herself as I stiffened, and she kissed me on the cheek. "Will you take care of me?"

Pressing my lips together, I nodded and muttered, "Sounds good." While still trying to distract myself. 

_She's_ drunk.

_Seconds..._

Minutes had passed in silence and soft conversation. The moon was slowly rising, revealing the room in a mild shade of blue. I could finally see her better.

Strands of her hair fell over her face; she didn't bother to remove them, so I did it for her. Her eyes were drooping faintly as she watched me, and even in the darkness, her dilated pupils weren't hard to see; as if the hazel in her eyes faded only to emphasize them.

Tension grew thick and heavy in the space between us; her stare was unwavering and staggeringly provoking.

"What did I say about funny business?" I mumbled as I tried to wrench my eyes away, feeling my heart beat heavy against my chest. I took my hand back minutes ago, finding a difficulty in breathing in such an enclosed space – not to mention the carnal pressure that had me often looking elsewhere, in hopes of ridding me of the suggestive fantasies that crowded me with every breath I took. "Don't look at me like that."

 _She's_ drunk!

"Sorry," she muttered, redirecting her gaze. "You're nice to look at."

"You always talk like that?" I already knew the answer to my question.

She giggled again. "It only happens when I drink."

And I wondered if a hint of alcohol still lingered on her lips.

"It's hot." She exhaled heavily, removing the layers of blankets.

"I got it." Sighing, I pushed myself off the mattress and stepped over her to open the window, when a sudden pull from the back of my pants had me turning to face her again.

"Hm? Miri?" she was sitting up, shuddering lightly under a bad excuse for what could be called 'pajamas'. She looked up at me with her bottom lip beneath her teeth, her eyes glistening with the light of the moon.

I blushed at the translation of actions, but the scent of alcohol had me shaking my head at what I had in mind.

"Mirélle, what are y—"

Rapidly, her hands went up to my shirt and she tugged me strong enough to have me tumble on top of her, like couples do in every romance movie I had ever seen – not that I was exactly holding a secure stance to begin with.

"Ah...Hide."

I trembled loosely at the feel of something cold skimming over my back, from within my shirt. Releasing an exhale, I pushed myself off of her only to have hercling on to me tighter, with her legs wrapped around my waist, moving to wrap around my thighs as we came face to face. I got goosebumps at the sensation of her cold fingertips, locating them on my back.

"You're drunk." I forced out as I held myself above her, trying to look around the room and focus elsewhere, but all I saw was the wall and the open door. "Mirélle."

She closed her eyeswhen I looked at her, and pulled me closer as her fingers combed through my hair. My name was something she repeated, over and over again, through sighs and moans and lip-bites.

"You make me so hot..." reaching up, she kissed my chin _(she's drunk)_ and lightly ran her tongue over my bottom lip. I held my breath as I held myself back; it took everything in me not to kiss her, not to absolutely lose myself _(she's_ drunk _)_ in her. My insides swelled as she said my name again, her nails lightly massaging me. "You drive me crazy...when you get excited for me like that."

Her legs secured around my body and she pulled me close; it was then that I had realized that she was in only the dress and undergarments, nothing else. Any movement I made resulted in her only tightening her holdon me.

_Fuck. Wet._

"Miri..." my voice trembled as my entire body pulsated. She looked at me and licked her lips, sighing again, my name found in the midst of her moans. 

_I have never felt this way before._

Her warmth was noticed all over; the sensitivity of my body skyrocketed as I distinguished the little movements she made. Her fingers left my hair _(she won't remember any_ of this _)_ and roamed down my back, arriving at the top of my pants as I shivered, pulling myself away from her.

"Can you feel me?"

I felt every bit of her. Her curves. Her chest against mine. Her hands touching me _(she's drunk)_ so sensually. Her legs so widely _(she's drunk)_ wrapped around me. Her lips tempting me to do things every time she said something, every time they brushed near my earlobe. And the lower part of _myself_ , almost entirely touching _her_.

_One move and that's it. Might as well just give in._

I wanted to leave, but I wanted to stay; _that_ part of me, the part that _wanted_ this, had mereadily pinneddown by the weakness of her limbs. I knew I wasn't going to do anything that she didn't want me to, but the truth was... _I was still there._

And that was just as bad.

My heart pounded against my ribcage as the rest of me trembled. "Miri...I don't think we should..."

 _Her lips..._ so soft _...right there..._

She breathed my name again. "My skin's burning for your touch...I can't take it."

Her words almost sent me to the edge; I almostlost control.

she's

 _d r u n k_ —

 _don't_ take

"Touch me." She sighed, going down to my neckwith her mouthand kissing, biting, sucking.

_A d v a n t a g e_

_of_ h e r

Her tongue left traces around my neck as she began to delicately lift my shirt;I didn't stop her, allowing the gentle cold to brush over the places she didn't claim, and allowing my skin to flare with a deeper yearning as her closeness imprinted the shape of her body on mine.

_she's_

_druNk_

_Sh e_

_i s_

dru nk— _but_

_she_ w a n t s

m e

I was shaking from every beat my heart took, and my self-restraint wanedevery time she said my name, in that _(sexy)_ voice, in thatmanner. I bit my lipand shut my eyes; she pulled me close and kissed my face. My hand made its way to her jaw as I carefully caressed the sensuality of her neck,opening my eyes to study the way she seductively breathed in lust; our lips only barely touching, only barely driving me up the walls as we shared the small space.

_I'll give_

m y s e l f _to_

h e r _but_

_...b u t..._

_she won'_ t r e m e m b e r

any _of_

_...this..._

To watch the way I affected her; the way her hazel eyes rolled when I moved slowly; when I moved at all.

_I have never felt this way before._

_S h e' s_ dr _un_ k.

 _Do_ n't

t a k e a d v a n t a g e

_of her._

Every moment I took to speak lead to another aching groan, another provoking lip-bite, and I was captivated by the expression on her freckled face, entranced by the way she kissedthe surface of my pale skin like she couldn't get enough of me.

_I'm_

_all_

hers.

Bewitched, I realized that I couldn't take it anymore;I couldn't hold myself back any longer than I already had. When she let go of my neck, I went down to hers, attempting to kiss the sensitivity of it, not entirely sure if I were doingit right but knowing that it was keeping me from doing _anything_ else. Her voice went higher and more arousing as she wrapped her delicate arms around me, tightly.

_and she's_

_all_

mine.

I traced my kisses down to the sultriness of her collarbones as she sighed again _,_ fueling me further as she tangled her dainty fingers in my hair, and I had all but lost it when shearched up against me.

get out of

here —

 _I_ c a n't ge t

u p

Anxiously reaching under her airy nightdressas I still kissed her heaving chest, I gently ran my hand over her _(_ beautiful _, so beautiful)_ body, feeling like I was going to explode as I grabbed her hip and squeezed.

Out of the blue, she gasped as her muscles contracted beneath me, and our rhythm came to a halt. She followed it with a _(cu_ te _)_ little snicker, but I immediately moved up to my original position, blinking rapidly as my vision cleared and I gazed at her.

"The bite...it's a bit...sensitive."

It was the innocence in her voice and expression that pulled me out of my trance. My eyes fluttered as I studied the sincerity of her pretty features and the confusion behind the glow of her hazel eyes. Taking to her hips, I raised her dress and ran a finger around and on her scar, trying not to look _anywhere_ else, but still catching a glimpse of herobnoxiously pink underwear.

_Dog bite. I've kissed her chest, would it be too much if I lay my lips here? And a bit around it..._

_...What an aroma. I just want to_ eat her up.

" _Quoi?"_ she questioned. "...It's ugly, huh?"

Without saying anything, I covered her up and leaned over her, kissing her chest again as I led myself up to her face. She held onto me once more as it all returned, but not as strong as it first came.

“Hide, _embrasse moi.”_ She repeated, clutching me fiercely, digging her nails into my naked back.

Shaking my head and gritting my teeth, I took her small arms and removed them from me. “No, Miri.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re drunk.” I forced myself off the mattress and bound out the door, catching my breath as I placed my palms on my thighs. I was gathering my thoughts and getting myself together when Miri’s voice sounded out once more; desperate, aching.

When I returned, her lying figure turned to me with a hand dangling at her mouth and another between her groin.

_Why’s this happening to me..._

“I’m your dirty girl.”

I sat on my knees, defeated, and Miri followed my lead, wasting no time in straddling me and hooking her forearms around my shoulders once more.

“What are you doing...” mumbling, I directed my gaze up to her half-open eyes and her pouty lip, clenching my hands at my sides. She pushed closer as she kissed my chin and corners of my mouth, causing my heartbeat to speed up once more.

“Hide,” she whined, bringing her tainted fingertips to my jaw. “When you make those noises…”

_The scent...so strong..._

“Do you like how I taste?”

Falling into a daze, my palm led itself up her bare legs. My fists were pressing at her skin and, with minimal effort to interrupt myself, I licked her bitter fingers and she rolled her hips again, letting out a moan. She didn’t pause.

She rocked back and forth, holding me to her chest as my gasps caught in my throat and I squeezed her and synced our rhythms. I strained to contain the unfamiliar sounds of groans to myself, already having failed to conceal the pleasure she made me feel. My heart pounded faster and harder than it ever did and I feared it would give out as I let out what I held in, everything tightening before collapsing.

_Fuck. I just..._

“ _Putain._ I love the look on your face when you cum.”

I gazed up at her, panting, apologetic of my grip on her ass and my body thrust up against hers, drenched. But her hazel eyes only studied my mouth as I muttered her name; her fingers traced my lips, and I never knew I could be so weak.

"I..."

"Hide..." her fingers leaving my face only resulted in her hand running down my abdomen and touching _me,_ just a little between her heavy thighs. "Let me please you more. I love that look..."

Gritting my teeth once more as I felt her hand on me, I inhaled deeply and shook my head, forcing myself to deny her; forcing myself not to kiss her alcohol stained lips. Abruptly, she took my hand off her rear and redirected my palm to her chest, but I quickly held back.

"No...!" I was pleading at that point.

"I'm not drunk," she declared, forcing my hand to her boobs again. "Really."

"You _are_ drunk," I said, pulling my hand down to her waist, and holding her close.

" _N'importe quoi_. Won't you like me more?"

My brows furrowed as I wrapped both arms around her tightly. "I've always..."

_...Did I like her that much already?_

With a laugh, she placed her hands on my pale chest; lean and almost shapeless. "Aren't you going to fuck me and never talk to me again? Isn't that why you're here?"

Something within me tensed. "I came along because my friends invited me," her eyes were vacant. "And I came back here because I needed to look after you. Because I care about you."

"Yeah," she scoffed, tilting herself over me and resting her forehead against mine. "I've heard that before."

"Is that what happened to you?"

I had almost forgotten that she was drunk, but her sly grin brought me back to the reality of the situation. It wasn't a conversation to be had when she was in such an intoxicated state.

With a hum, she reached for the straps of her nightdress and lowered them, one by one, as she slowly started to remove her clothing. I couldn't help but watch and see her in nothing but her underwear, the freckles on her chest a distraction like no other. However, I was ultimately reminded and brought back to my senses once again, when she swayed her hair to the side and giggled.

_I can't believe I'm saying this..._

"No, no. Not now. Don't you think you need to rest?" swiftly, I took a hold of her little hand and tightened my grip around it, steadily crawling towards the mattress and placing her down. She was enthralling in the moonlight, with her amorous stare, her skin hot and her lips pursed. A thin sheet of sweat glittered her chest, and it was at that moment that I understood what drove a person to _want_ something, more than anything.

_If she were sober, things would be different. The things I'd do to her..._

_I have never felt this way before._

The trail I left on her body burned darker than her freckles, and a part of me grew worried at what her reaction to them could be. Hovering over her, I traced a finger over the irregularity of the shapes as she watched me quietly, sighing with every gentle press I placed on her soft skin. I pushed back the hair from her face, and she followed my touch and kissed and licked my hand.

"Why did you change your underwear." It was a question, but it sounded more like a demand.

"Huh?" I almost chuckled. "What makes you say that?"

"I feel you less in something tight. You're no fun." She pouted.

I clicked my tongue. "Public humiliation is fun for you?"

"I like seeing you like that." Grinning, she reached up and kissed my chin again, going down my neck. I moved away momentarily as I tensed, and she lay back down on the mattress.

_So...she's a bit of a sadist, then?_

"Think you can sleep for a bit?" 

With a sweet smile, she bit her lip and said, "Anything for you, my love."

_...I wish she was sober._

Calmly, she redirected her body to lie horizontally; I took a pillow and placed it under her head as I covered her up in the thinner blanket. Standing up, I leaned on the door to catch my breath, only to have her call out to me again. But when I looked at her, her eyes were closed; she wasn't talking to me as much as she was talking to herself. "I hope you know...how much you mean to me."

I hummed in question, wiping my face and straightening my back.

"I think I really, really..."

She fell silent after that, leaving me curious as to how the sentence was going to end, but she was fast asleep.

Trudging out the room, all the weakness that I had held together abruptly spread to the rest of my limbs, making my knees buckle. My hand found the kitchen counter but instead of holding myself up, I ended up taking three stools down with me to the floor.

_This kind of self-restraint...is something you only read about in books about heroes. This is really fighting yourself against what you want. How Ghouls must fight their hunger every day...this must be nothing to that. And yet, I did a terrible job._

_I'm in a pool of my own nosebleed, entirely zombified._

A few minutes passed as I lay there; the sound of the wall clock echoing around me, along with the sound of her voice. Her moans. My name. Every time I forgot it, it was back again, digging out my insides, fueling my fantasies, keeping me upright.

I all but crawled to the couch and screamed my lungs out into the cushion. Shutting my eyes brought out all the guys I had known, appearing in my head, ridiculing me, mocking me, except for Kaneki.

_'It's all right, Hide. It's not always so good for a lot of us! My first time tanked!'_

I let out a sigh. _What did Kaneki even know? Did he already sleep with someone?! Was it Rize?_

_Yeah, right. If there were anyone Kaneki would sleep with, it'll obviously be that waitress. That Ghoul. Kirishima Touka._

_"What a pussy!"_

_"She was_ right _there. Right_ under _you."_

 _"She_ asked _you to fuck her. You could have! You blew it!"_

Funnily enough, almost all of them sounded exactly like Domoto. The final appearance was made by Jin and Norio, holding up a trophy that read, _"Congratulations on your self-control!"_

_Jin._

His name echoed in my head like a shout into open space; the thought of him with _her_ began to crowd my mind.I shook my head as a frown slithered onto my features, causing me to shout into the cushions once more.

Turning my head to the side, I stretched my arm out to the table and held up my phone, opening a blank message to the one and only Harada Jin.

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚂.𝙾.𝚂

𝚂.𝙾.𝚂

𝚂.𝙾.𝚂

𝚂.𝙾.𝚂

𝙹𝚒𝚗...𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚊 𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎...

_I have never felt this way before._


	22. ⦋ Yet So Fragile ⦌

— _rewritten **2018**_

 ** _word count_** — _2141_

♫

Three hours had passed and still, no one was back yet.

_Where the heck is everyone?!_

After all that had happened, I had gotten up and taken a brisk shower, only to be greeted by big, bruise-like shapes on and around the whiteness of my neck. I touched them the way I touched hers, expecting them to hurt, but feeling nothing once my finger made contact with them.

Changing my clothes, I toured the house and did virtually everything I could, for the third time that day. I checked all the channels on the TV and lit up the logs underneath it, fed the fish some food and gave Mirélle a once over, seeing that she was still asleep.

But I kept doing it. Once, twice, three times, four, until another hour had passed. She stirred for a few of those moments and I wanted to rest beside her again, however, at the same time, I didn't want to wake her and relive what happened between us hours ago.

 _Was that_ _what sex is...? I see what the fuss is about. I...I never felt that way my entire life!_

_Does this mean I'm not a virgin anymore?_

_I never knew something like that was even possible with clothes still on!_

Bringing out a kettle, filling it with water and plugging it in, I abruptly heard a _thud_ from Mirélle's room and suddenly, she was out and running towards the bathroom door with a palm over her mouth and an arm over her stomach.

Only a few seconds passed before I quickly followed after her to the bathroom at the left of the chalet's entrance. Lightly pushing the door open, I saw her seated on the floor with her hands straining to hold her hair back as she vomited.

Even though I grew faintly disgusted, I pressed my lips together and held her hair back as I rubbed the hollow between her shoulder blades, gently massaging her smooth skin. It was a strange desire that spread over me; the desire to hold someone as they puked.

_There's a first for everything._

I squatted behind her as she continued, patting her and pressing her shoulder from time to time. She coughed before coming to a stop, resting her elbow on the toilet seat and groaning.

"When did you...get back?" she spat, shivering and breathing heavily.

"I've been here for hours, looking after you,"

At the sound of my voice, she froze and slowly glanced at me over her shoulder. When our eyes met, the panic set in and she hit me on the arm.

"What the fuck! Get the fuck out of here!" she continued as I protested, shaking her head. " _Putain!"_

"I—"

But she quickly slammed the door to the bathroom once I was out. I stood in front of it for a few minutes as I listened in, hearing her sob softly.

"I came back to take care of you," muttering, I knocked on the door lightly. She must've been resting against it since it moved along with her sounds.

She mumbled to herself, not responding to me.

With a sigh, I sauntered back to where I was making coffee, bringing out the creamer and sweetener, a mug for her and me, and waited.

Once she came out after washing up, she was still all confused. The sight of her brought everything back for a split second, making my insides tremble.

_Her voice. My name. Her body. Her hands. Everything's coming back to me horribly.  
_

"Where...where is every one..." she asked, scratching her face.

"Still out. But it's nearly midnight, so they're bound to come back soon..."

Whilst her fingers searched her face, they reached her nose and she froze again. An almost horrified expression took residence upon her features; she looked up at me, then around her, before hurrying back into the bathroom.

When she returned, she still had the same look on her face. "...What happened?"

 _A lot._ "Mirélle..." I addressed sternly, eyeing every bit of her; her hair covered her neck and chest, and I wondered if she saw the hickeys or not. "How much did you drink?"

"...Half a bottle,"

"Bullshit!"

With a sigh, her gaze fell to the floor as she played with her brown hair. "At your place, when we got here. When you left...about two bottles...and a half, maybe..."

I gritted my teeth. "Honestly..."

"I don't know what to say..."

Shaking my head, I let out a heavy exhale as I scratched the back of my neck. "Be careful. Don't you remember what happens when you're drunk with me? We both... _just_..."

Sniffling, she wiped her nose and pushed her hair back, allowing me to see her face clearer. "What happened...? What did I say?"

 _That you wanted me to touch you._ "A-a lot of dumb things..."

"Like what?"

 _That you wanted to please me._ "I think it's better if we don't talk about it..." the memories had me hot again.

"Was it that bad...?"

 _That you're my dirty girl._ "It...It was bad."

" _Putain,"_ she bit her lip and glanced at the fireplace. "Did I do anything stupid? ...Did I...go all over you again...?"

Inhaling deeply, "Well..." I raised my neck and pulled at the collar of my shirt, revealing all the love bites she marked on me.

" _Arée_..." she shook her head, covering up her eyes. " _Putain_...! I'm so sorry...I'm so embarrassed, I can't believe it...I'm so sorry, I...I thought I was in a dream...a...a very life-like dream...I'm sorry..."

Even though her face was obscured and she bit her lip to stifle it, I could tell that she was slowly beginning to cry.

"Hey," I went out of the kitchen and held her wrists loosely, trying to remove them from her face. "Hey, no. Please relax. I mean...I'll probably think about this night a lot," I let out a chuckle as I allowed my fingers to wipe her wet cheeks. "But it's all right. It's all right!"

" _Merde..."_ she shook her head, unable to stop the tears that dragged the mascara down her face. "What else did I do...?"

"I think you're better off just... _not_ knowing the rest,"

More tears fell.

"Hey! It's all right; I'm the only one here! No one else will know."

"That's the worst part of it. The person I wanted to be the _least_ embarrassing around...I end up making a complete idiot out of myself..." still crying, she bit her lip and rubbed her forehead. " _Arée..."_

"You didn't make a fool out of yourself," I placed my hand on her neck again, my emotions swelling inside me. "You're...you're so beautiful, Miri!"

"I'm so sorry...argh, I'm so sorry. I crossed a line; a line that shouldn't ever be crossed... _je suis sincèrement désolée."_

In a way, I understood how she must've felt; the regret, the sorrow. "It's all right. Just one of those nights when...you just couldn't keep your hands off me, y'know? I won't press charges against you." I joked.

She didn't have the strength to, but she hit me on the arm before directing her eyes to mine. "You have every right to."

"I won't."

Looking away, she bit her lip, wiping her cheeks. "Is that the only one...the only thing I did to you?"

I ambled back into the kitchen as I hummed, crossing my arms and tapping my index finger on my chin. "You wanna see my back?"

But her eyes widened as she gasped lightly. "Did...did we...?"

"No, no! We didn't...exactly. I was kidding!"

Letting out a sigh of relief, her hand hit her chest. "Ah, _putain de merde._ Don't do that to me! My heart is too weak right now..."

"I just wanted to make you laugh," she sat on the stool ahead of me, resting her head on the palm of her hand. "I swear to you, my lips are sealed. Just...try not to get so drunk anymore..."

"Yeah...I wish Sumie and Jin were here."

_Right. She didn't know about Sumie._

"They would've definitely been a _ton_ of help,"

Even though she nodded, her mind appeared to be elsewhere as she stared at the marks on my neck, chewing on her bottom lip and still trying not to cry.

"Listen," I sighed. "Please...don't beat yourself up about it! I don't like seeing you so stressed out."

"But..."

I held her by the chin before running my fingers through her soft, brown hair. "I like it when you say my name."

She blinked, pressing her lips together and covering her eyes with the backs of her hands.

"Two different people, sober and drunk you; shy and wild you."

"Two sides of the same coin," she mumbled as she inhaled deeply, pushing my hand away. "Why didn't you stop me?"

I cleared my throat as I straightened my back. "I wanted to...I mean, I tried! ...But I couldn't. I mean..."

"So you let me do that to you?"

"It wasn't exactly easy for me, either. I...I _wanted_ it to happen, but...I knew that I shouldn't."

A sad expression overlayed her face. "What else did I do to you...?"

"Well...we didn't kiss, but you...licked my lips."

" _Arée,_ out of all the things..."

_If she knew everything she had done, she would've probably dug herself a grave. Just out of pure embarrassment._

"All of it was a drunken mistake. It's all right. OK? You don't remember anything and you don't have to. I won't say anything. I don't think any less of you. I still care about you...a lot."

"...Your kindness is too much for me."

"I think _I'm_ too much for you already," I winked with a smirk. She chuckled but covered up her face, and I moved her hands. "Please don't hide your smile. It's lovely. It really makes my day!"

"I'm not," she frowned, shaking her head. "I'm crying." Pulling on my hands and making me cross my arms, she rested her wet face upon them, practically hugging them as she continued to softly sob.

_I'm just as guilty. I can't keep it to myself._

"U-um..."

When she lifted her head, her face was so close to mine that our noses almost touched, and I was reminded of earlier. Her eyes were tired from the tears that involuntarily leaked out, smeared in black mascara. Regret was an obvious emotion that plumped her lips and reddened her nose.

I couldn't be OK with that; pulling my arms out from under her, I folded them across my chest. "I also..." my open hands turned into fists; my nails practically pierced through my palms. "I did something, too..."

Blinking rapidly, the mildly horrified look returned to her features. "What...do you mean?"

Wiping my face, I bit the insides of my lips. "I...I touched you. On your scar..."

She held her breath. "And...?"

"And I kissed you. Down your neck...didn't you see yourself...?"

"Wh...?" she stood, putting her hair up as she walked to the bathroom. "Oh... _c'est quoi ce bordel?_ How did I not see this earlier?" when she returned, she sat down and her face was blank, still covered in tears. "It...it's bigger than yours. And it goes down..."

"I was afraid to do anything else, so I stayed in that spot for a while. But then...I kept kissing you, and I just..."

"Did you...undress me...?"

"No! No. Just...just near your chest, not your...not any lower than that."

_If I hadn't touched her scar tissue and if she hadn't made such a different sound, I probably would have gone all the way...down..._

"I..." when I gazed at her, there was only curiosity in her wide, hazel eyes; curiosity and the anguish to comprehend what she had done and what had happened between us. I was weakened when she looked at me like that. "I looked at your scar. I licked your fingers. And I touched your ass."

Exhaling heavily and unclenching my teeth, I paced back and forth in the kitchen, waiting for her verdict. Sighing, she rubbed her eyes along with her temples.

"I'm sorry...I'm so, very sorry. I'll do anything to make it up. I wish I could take it back...I don't know...I lost control...I'm so sorry..."

"No, it's my fault, not yours," she muttered and sniffled, pushing strands of her hair back as her hand made its way to her necklace. "I shouldn't have gotten so drunk..."

"Don't blame yourself! I'm also part—"

"...You don't have to say stuff like that. It really is my fault. After last weekend...I was supposed to know how it made me. I was supposed to _not_ let it happen." She wasn't looking at me anymore; instead, her gaze went straight to the fire. She put her hand over her mouth as she spoke. " _Putain,_ I thought I told Sumichan to take the bottles and hide them...I must've imagined that, too."

She exhaled heavily, shaking her head.

_I wonder if she meant all the things she said..._

"You're not all to blame. Really. I played a big part, all right? It's not _all_ your fault."

Glancing up at me briefly, she gave me half a smile, and I wished I knew what she was thinking.

"You can press charges if you want!"

It almost made her laugh. "I won't."

A few seconds had passed as her gaze shifted from one place to another, finally landing on the light blue paper bag just a little ahead of her elbow.

"What the..."

"I got it for you," I grinned, handing her the bag. "You told me that you really liked their stuff!"

As she studied it, her cry broke.


	23. ⦋ Blue and Yellow ⦌

— _**2018**_

 _ **word count**_ — _2763_

♫

It took a while for Miri to calm down and stop crying.

"I don't even remember telling you that," she had said about the pastry store. " _Je veux dire..._ it feels like it was just a dream. And you even remembered..."

"What an overreaction," chuckling, I had lightly patted her on the cheek. "You thought I'd come back empty-handed?"

Afterward, she ran to the bathroom about three times, vomiting her guts out.

She didn't want my help; saying something about how embarrassing it was. Even when I rolled my eyes and tried to argue my point across, she didn't change her decision and locked the door whenever I'd try to enter. I was glad that she was sobering up and feeling less sick every time she puked, but still wished she'd let me help.

_Reminds me of someone..._

Before we sat on the couch that faced the window, she drank several cups of cold water and washed her long wavy hair, changing into _proper_ pajamas; not something that looked like it belonged to a romantic evening's night.

"They're not even mine," she mumbled.

"Yeah, I know they're Sumie's!"

"Oh...no wonder it was big for me."

We sat opposite each other as we conversed, resting on the couch with our arms upon its back cushion, our hands almost but barely touching. The warm light of the fire nearly turnedthe night into something more amorous — not that there was anything stopping it from being so. Still being alone together behind closed doors naturally had my heart inflated with a strange sense of anxiety-ridden joy. She sat with a leg folded in front of her while her other foot touched the floor, and I didn't know that I was mimicking her position until she pointed it out.

When our conversation faded, I stared at her as she stared back.

"Can I touch you?" my heart was in my throat. "Your face."

For a brief moment, her brows furrowed. "All right..."

Shifting closer resulted in our knees touching; I moved strands of her hair to the back of her ear as I allowed my finger to brush over the sea of freckles on her nose and cheeks. When I first met her, I surely thought that she was pretty, but it was as though the more time I spent with her, the prettier I was realizing she actually was.

Stopping at her lips brought back feelings of earlier that night, and I stared. Touching. Pressing. Triggered by the sight of the way they parted and how soft they felt between the tips of my fingers. My heart pounded heavily, bringing me back to my senses as I glanced up at her, only to see her stare back provokingly.

I gulped, removing my hand. "You're not completely sober...are you?"

"No..." she shrugged and shook her head. "But I'm not drunk. I'm not that tipsy, _non plus. Je crois..._ I'm at the _end_ of being tipsy." With a short snicker, she lifted herself and sat nearer to me as she began to imitate what I had just stopped doing. The tip of her finger glided over my nose and cheekbones, and lightly brushed over my lashes. She pushed my hair back before allowing her fingers to stroke my mouth, almost a parallel to what she had done earlier.

_The aroma..._

Even though she washed, it was still there; faint, but present. I was getting high on the feeling. It was like a dull fire, burning my insides continuously, and _it felt so good,_ that I had to kiss her fingers.

She was startled but didn't pull back; instead, she pressed forward and leaned close as she shut her eyes and pursed her lips.

"Miri," I said, having her stop halfway and open her eyes. _Jeez, not again! The worst part is that I want it just as badly as she does...!_

Frowning, she returned to her position.

"When you're a-hundred-percent sober," I elaborated, almost attacking her myself when she pouted. "I don't want to do that when you're...about eighty-five-percent sober."

"Fair enough," she nodded, pressing her lips together. "But I'm sober. Almost. Kind of. Eighty-five-percent is pretty good; I'll remember it."

"That's not all that I care about!" shaking my head, I rolled my eyes and let out an exaggerated sigh. "Can I ask you something?"

"You already did," she giggled, and I blew at her face. "What! Ah, _putain_ _._ _Agaçant_ _!"_

_Now's as good a time as any!_

She waved at my gestures in irritation before I held her hand tightly.

"What are we?"

Blinking, her smile shrank as she tilted her head. "Hm?"

"As in...what's this that's going on between us?"

"We're...friends." Even though she was the one to say it, she seemed uncertain herself.

"Friends don't flirt as we do! And I don't...flirt with anyone else as much, either."

Inhaling deeply and pressing her lips together, her hazel eyes momentarily gazed at the fireplace behind me. "Can't we just stay as we are right now?"

"What? You mean flirting, touching, holding hands, and...nothing?"

"...Yeah?" she slipped her hand out of mine. "I think we're good as we are now. There's no label on it...no restrictions."

"Is _that_ why you don't kiss me? Because there's no label on us?" at the very least, I was relieved that she referred to both of us as one.

Shrugging, she ran her slim fingers through her brown hair. "...You could say that, _je pense._ Kissing is very—"

"Intimate? Like hugging and hand-holding, and _sitting on my lap?_ Flirting verbally is pretty intimate too, you know. And...and it drives me crazy! Sometimes, I just really want to hold you and kiss you but I can't...don't you feel that way about me?"

She mildly shook her head. "Of course I do, Hide... _merde_ _._ There were so many times where I just wanted to..." she clenched her hands in front of me, and I _felt_ it. " _Arée_ _,_ you have no idea. But that's just it, _t'sais._ It's all so...sexual."

" _No!"_ I all but yelled, throwing my hands up in frustration. "It's _not!_ I...I _like you,_ Mirélle. You're..." I couldn't help but sigh. "Don't I make your heart flutter, too?"

I knew that there was so much more to her than she let on. I didn't lecture Kaneki on falling for a girl's appearance for nothing.

_I'm as unreliable as they come._

Giggling, she bit her lip as she gazed at me. "You _do_ make my heart flutter. And you give me stomach aches..."

"All right, then there you have it! I like you, you like me! Is there anything else to it?"

Unconvinced, she fell silent. "I just need time, _je pense_...maybe we can keep the flirting and touching to a minimum."

I almost laughed. "I highly doubt that I'll be able to, but I _can_ try."

Slapping me lightly on the shoulder, her wide, hazel eyes urged me to be a bit more serious. "I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, _t'sais;_ I don't know _when_ I'll _be_ ready...and I don't know if I'll ever have the time."

"Then I'll wait!"

"Don't. You'll be wasting _your_ time and I don't want that; we're not teenagers and this isn't a high school drama."

Even so, I shook my head. "I really like you, so I'll wait for you."

Letting out a sigh, she looked at the fire once again.

"Jeez, you really brought the mood down," I groaned loudly as I stood up and stretched. "C'mon, let me make you some coffee so that you can sober up to a-hundred-percent."

When she stood, she winced and held her head. "Argh, promise me that we'll never go drinking together."

Laughing, I stood behind the kitchen counter once more as she sat on the same stool she was on earlier. "Sorry, I can't promise that. I'd love to go drinking with you sometime!"

" _Arée_ _..._ in a month, or _three."_

"I'll hold on to that!" my excitement shown through and reached out to her, making her smile. "Are you ready for coffee? Want more water?"

After a cold glass, I handed her the coffee as we chatted, much louder than I thought we were. She slowly sipped out of the mug, momentarily shutting her eyes and humming.

"What is it?"

" _Rien._ It's good."

"'Cause I made it!"

"...Yeah."

My brows furrowed as I sat on the stool across her, behind the counter, and drank coffee myself.

_Why can't I read her?_

"Y'know, my best friend used to make some real bad coffee."

To that, she chuckled. "Why was he making it if he was so bad at it?"

"He was working at a café. It was just too bitter for me, so I always asked his colleague to make it! She was _much_ better since she had actually been working there for a while."

The memory of Kaneki's coffee left an odd taste in the back of my tongue, however, I found myself beaming, even though he _really_ sucked at making coffee.

_I wonder if he got better eventually. I always asked Touka to make it for me, in the end._

"I want to try it just to see how bad it is," Miri giggled, bringing her hair to the left. "You exaggerate."

"I'm not exaggerating about this! He was new and even though Touka taught him, he still couldn't get it right! I bet you he was distracted by her."

"Did he like her?"

Scoffing, I crossed my arms. "Pfft, 'did he like her'!" when I looked at her again, I was abruptly engrossed by the sight of the patches of darkness on her neck. "We should really do something about that."

Her eyes followed my gaze and she understood. " _N'est-ce pas?_ I can't stop looking at the ones on your neck either. _Arée_..."

"Don't you have something we can cover it up with? Would makeup do the trick?"

"One, our skin color doesn't match and two, I only brought light makeup with me; just some lipsticks and mascaras. Maybe Sumichan and Hana have some...Hana's more on your shade, though. But not me."

Groaning, I rolled my eyes. "Didn't you bring a scarf or something?"

"I don't know! _Arée,_ why'd you have to make it so big?"

"I didn't know what I was _doing!_ It was my first time and I wanted to distract myself!"

"First..." she exhaled heavily, an expression of disbelief on her face. "Your first time?"

"Yeah! You think I was joking when I said I'm a virgin?!"

Straightening her back, she bit back a grin, but it wasn't out of mockery. It looked like it was more out of shock. "Yes! I thought it was a joke!"

"Why would you think that? Almost everyone I know is a virgin, except those with girlfriends! And even some of _them_ didn't get that far!"

" _Je ne sais pas!_ You're hot and funny!"

The room fell silent for a brief moment as I processed her words, trying not to betray how I felt with a wide smile.

 _Wah! Mir_ _élle thinks_ I'm _hot?! When she's been with someone like Jin —_ _who's_ actually _hot?! I'm practically a stickman compared to him!_

"Don't let it get to your head!" she demanded, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Right, right! The hickeys."

Her eyes darted around the room as she pondered it over, soon clapping loudly. "Yes! My pink scarf!" without wasting another second, she bolted off of her chair and ran into the room.

I sighed, rubbing my face. "I'll just wrap a shirt around my neck, I guess."

"It's not here," her muffled voice called out from the room. "I can't find it. But I found...your shirt?"

Following her into the room, I scratched the back of my head at the sight of what she held in her hand as she approached me. "Ah, right! I can tie the sleeves around my neck."

"...Were you shirtless? When we...when I was drunk?"

"Yeah," I grew nervous as she handed it to me. "You took off my shirt."

It was as if being in that room triggered something inside her; she bit her lip and shook her head, mumbling to herself as she walked past me.

" _Quel dommage."_

A little while later, we realized that Miri's scarf, along with my jacket, was in Jin's Jeep.

**𝙹𝚒𝚗-𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚙𝚊𝚒:**  
𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘯𝘴! 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵. 𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬.

 **𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎?

 **𝙹𝚒𝚗-𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚙𝚊𝚒:**  
𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘺 / 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘴.

"What am I going to do?" Miri hummed in worry. We sat in the kitchen once more, finishing up our coffee. "You don't happen to have any extra shirts with long sleeves, do you?"

I leaned against the counter as I thought it over, pulling on the sleeve of the shirt wrapped around my neck. "Take this, and I'll see if I can find one for myself!"

"Oh, maybe you can tie the pants of these pajamas on your neck."

The suggestion had my cheeks flushing. "It needs some washing. I'll just find a shirt and use it as a scarf."

We looked at each other for a brief moment, when Miri broke the silence. "So...we're not going to tell anyone anything?"

Blinking, I glanced towards the window that hung right across the kitchen, mildly shaking my leg. "I don't mind telling them."

"What would you say?" her voice gave away the fact that she was cringing. "Argh, I wouldn't hear the end of it from Sumichan and Jin..."

"I would come clean with the whole thing! What did _you_ have in mind, Miri- _hime?"_

"...I think it's best that we kept it to ourselves. We won't say anything unless they _somehow_ find out. And if they do, we'll just...go with the truth, maybe?"

"That we started making out with each other's necks?" I chuckled, touching the area. It didn't feel any different than it normally did; like there was nothing there. But ultimately, one look in the mirror would prove to me otherwise.

"Sure," she giggled along with me, bringing her hands to her face again. "Honestly...just blame it on the alcohol. _N'importe quoi."_

"Is that your final decision?"

Even though she shook her head, she said, "Yeah. I can't think of anything else."

"Hmm... _if_ it happens and they get suspicious, I'll see what I can do and come up with something!"

When I winked at her, she clicked her tongue. "Don't flirt with me."

"Hey! It comes naturally!"

Soon, there was a knock on the front door and I quickly got up to open it, not before asking her if everything looked normal and nothing seemed strange, other than our capes. I bowed my head at Jin and Akagawa as they entered, and continued to welcome the rest as they filed in.

"Ryū-chan!" Miri greeted playfully.

"So familiar with me," I heard him chuckle, turning to find him squeeze Miri's cheeks. "Your boyfriend wouldn't like that." He glanced at me over his shoulder and nodded.

"We're not together," she clarified, taking a peek at me.

"Funny! That's what he said, too! You're really on the same page!"

As I closed the door, I abruptly heard shrill squealing and giggling. The sounds came from Miri and Yamashiro greeting each other with tight hugs and kisses on the cheeks. Chuckling to myself, I sauntered towards the living room where everyone had plopped down onto the couches, and sat beside Akagawa; the snacks that everyone got were spread out on the table. Jin put out the fire and turned on the living room lights, causing me to shut my eyes momentarily.

"Sorry to have barged into your romance," he chuckled, taking a seat on the other couch to my left. "You got the fire going and everything."

"Nothing happened," I shrugged, scratching my face. "We just talked!"

"Talking isn't _nothing,"_ he lay back with a glass of what appeared to be red wine in his hands, relaxing into the cushion. " _Just_ talking could mean a _lot."_

"Right."

Gazing at the duo that still stood in the hallway, my eyes focused on the brunette. The waves of her hair helped in covering her neck, but she still definitely needed the shirt, as did I.

_Even though it's getting real hot..._

Miri's voice was high from how excited she appeared; her eyes lit up and her smile never faded as she and Yamashiro spoke.

" _You know,"_ Yamashiro held Miri by the hand as she dragged her to the living room as well, and they both sat in front of us with their legs crossed on the carpet. "When we were there, Hideyoshi-san kept asking Harada, 'oh, when are we going back? Oh, I miss Mimi, oh, I want to see her! Oh, she must be so sick and lonely! Ah, Mimi, please feel my love telepathically! I'm sending you lots of kisses!'"

To say that she played up the drama factor would be an understatement; the redhead placed the back of her hand on her forehead as she began to lower herself to the floor. Miri couldn't stop laughing as she hid her face behind her hands, stealing glances at me as I laughed along in embarrassment.

"Exaggerating!" Sumie protested as she pointed at Yamashiro. "Nagachika would never call her Mimi—"

"Whatever!" Yamashiro shouted back. "Point is, did you receive Hideyoshi's telepathic messages?"

Mirélle shook her head as she laughed her heart out, making me grin.


	24. ⦋ Less Empty ⦌

— _rewritten **2018**_

_**word count** — 3625_

♫

Time had passed quickly.

We talked about the rides and what had happened at _Joy Palace 20;_ from the time that I was there to the random strange occurrences with Norio and Jin.

"I don't know who she thought I was," Norio mumbled, running his fingers through his blonde hair. "But she and her friend both took individual photos."

"Kamii students?" I asked, rubbing my chin. "You're pretty popular on campus!"

"Yeah," Esashi had suddenly spoken, and I clapped. "He's more popular than Harada. Nagachika, what?"

"I haven't heard your voice all day!"

"Well, you heard it."

She didn't sound too happy; she and Domoto weren't even sitting beside each other. While Miri and Yamashiro sat on the ground, Sumie took the single couch, I sat on the long one with Domoto and Akagawa, and Jin and Norio shared the couch with Esashi.

_They must've had a big fight if they're not willing to sit together._

We continued on about other things and they bragged about all the food that I had missed.

"Whatever! When are we coming here again?"

"Two months, maybe," Jin replied.

"Why?! I thought this was a monthly thing!"

" _Once_ every two or three months. This place is expensive." Norio elaborated, and I felt bad as I noticed Akagawa and Yamashiro exchange a look.

The chalet began to reek of cigarettes as Miri, Jin, Yamashiro, and Akagawa smoked whilst conversing; Jin still held on to his red beverage as everyone else drank beers and whiskey, except for Miri, who only drank water (I joined her). We ate some snacks as Sumie got up in a huff, opening up the window and the sliding door to the balcony.

"Why do you have shirts around your necks?" Sumie questioned with an edge in her tone; her voice was low but still audible to me and Miri. "Did you play some weird fantasy role-playing game?"

" _C'est quoi ce bordel?"_ Miri scowled, appearing somewhat mad. "Why do you say things like that?"

"If you must know," I cleared my throat as I glanced at her on my right, however quickly looking away. "We were sitting outside, near the pond, and it was _really_ cold. Miri forgot her scarf and my jacket in the Jeep, so we had to resort to something homemade!"

"Oh, you're freezing in such weather?" Yamashiro hummed, caressing Miri's hair. "Even in the summer when she would come over and I would turn on the air-conditioning, she would be shaking like a leaf. Hideyoshi-san, maybe you should hold her tight."

Miri was the first to protest as she forced out a laugh. "No, no! It's fine! I'll close the windows in a bit, once everyone's done smoking."

Agreeing, I let my voice get louder as I adjusted the sleeves around my neck. "Yeah! Besides, I, myself, am cold!"

My eyes darted among everyone in the room as I spoke and cracked jokes, but my gaze seemed to always fall on one person. When our eyes would meet, she would smile knowingly — then again, I wasn't sure.

_I can't read her._

We both obviously liked each other and she wasn't afraid to show it in front of everyone, however, something seemed to have changed, and an unusual sadness briefly sat on my chest. Shaking it off, I stood up and did an impression of one of my professors. Everyone enjoyed it, but I looked for her reaction only.

It was so easy for me to read my best friend, Kaneki, because I'd known him since we were kids. It was so easy for me to read almost everyone's motives, but here I found myself struck dumb. She had me trembling from arousal one second and the next, we were as close as strangers.

_Maybe I should just ask about her._

What did she think about before falling asleep, what was the first thing that came to her mind when she woke up? In her silent moments, when she sat with herself and sipped on a cigarette, what sort of things made her stay that way, what sort of things made her furrow her brows as if she were so deep in thought?

Was it the CCG, and whatever business she had with them? Was it Jin, living among us as a Ghoul? Was it another case she secretly worked on; another hacking she was planning? Or was it something more on the lines of normal, such as university matters? Or something she clearly seemed to despise, such as her reputation?

Was it me?

When I came to a conclusion about her build, she had instantly proved me wrong with the frailty of her sobriety; the way her hands shook as she cried out of embarrassment from her own actions that she couldn't remember threw me off.

But most of all, _why me?_ She could have chosen Jin or Norio, who were more up to her league and speed. They were both smart, fit men; Norio was also extremely popular on campus and he was pretty good looking — also, he was already in love with her.

So, _why me,_ out of everyone that wanted her? After all, I was absolutely no different; I fought for her attention and tried for her eyes when we first met. Two of the men that Sumie had mentioned earlier were also guys that were well-built, smart and somewhat well-known.

It wasn't something born out of insecurity; I was merely curious.

I looked up at Jin as he joined me in recreating a funny scenario that had happened within the festival committee, and then I glanced at Sumie and Yamashiro. _They_ must've known her well; except for Sumie, who only knew her from the eyes of jealousy.

Jin wouldn't say anything about Miri's past to me and Sumie would only say things I didn't want to hear. My target was the girl in the red hair.

_Why am I getting so bent out of shape because of something like this?_

_Why did it matter_ this _much to me anyway? It's more of a distraction and distractions aren't a good thing...I had to get back to focusing on what I needed to do:_ help Kaneki.

Darkness wrapped itself around my mind again, reminding me...how much of a terrible best friend I've been.

 _Kaneki needs me...and what am I doing?_ _Would he understand...or would he accuse me of not caring?_

_Damn, I'd been so lonely without him..._

"Do you want some juice, _mon chou?"_

_But she makes me feel..._

"Sure! Don't flirt with me. Jeez."

"I wasn't!"

_Less empty._

"Calling me that counts!"

"It one-hundred percent does _not!"_

_...Mirélle would've really enjoyed being around Kaneki, too. They're both into dull books and they could probably talk for hours about their favorite authors and stories, letting me become a third wheel._

_Ah, there I go again! Including her into something that had nothing to do with her!_

"Ah, Pocky! Pocky, please!"

We were all sitting on the carpet the way we had been sitting on it much earlier that day, the only difference was that now, there were two more people involved.

"Nagakchika and Jin!"

Bracing myself, I stood up as Jin followed, slightly bending his knees so that we were almost the same height. Everyone cheered us on as we began to bite onto the chocolate covered stick, getting closer and closer to one another. I could almost see Jin's eyes, but only barely, from the bottom of his sunglasses.

"Looks like Nagachika-san's got a thing for Jin!" Yamashiro laughed along with Miri; I fought myself not to turn to her and say something.

"Ihf you don't giwb u', we'll end u' kihhing," declared Jin, his breath smelling like alcohol and cigarettes.

" _You_ giwbe uhh!" I countered, biting further into the biscuit and moving closer to Jin; our noses were practically touching. Miri and Yamashiro were watching closely from the left while Sumie and Norio watched from the right; it was as though they were both separate teams, cheering one of us on.

"As much as I want you to win," Yamashiro stated. "I would rather see you kiss Mimi than Jin! So Jin, don't back down!"

Jin groaned and whined, his brows rising above his sunglasses.

_We're practically kissing! Just a few more bites and we're already at each other's lips!_

_Sorry Jin, but I'm not backing down! May as well have you be my first kiss!_

But he wasn't having it — he bit the stick and backed away, declaring defeat as he raised his hands above his head.

I held my hands above my head and chewed the food in my mouth; everyone around me cheered while Norio repeatedly expressed how I was about to kiss Jin.

_It must be real shitty for Jin; while Pocky tasted great to us humans, I wonder what Jin would have compared it to._

"It would've been interesting to see," Miri muttered, grinning at me.

"You would've loved it, huh? But it's good that he surrendered! I'm saving myself for someone else!"

She shook her head as she laughed, but it was cut short when it was chosen that she and Yamashiro would go against each other next.

With a scoff, she placed a Pocky stick between her lips as Yamashiro went on the other end.

"This is stupid," sighed Sumie. "It's obvious that none of them will back down."

"Jealous?" I muttered, glancing at her briefly before watching Miri and Yamashiro get closer to one another.

Sumie didn't reply as they kissed.

"Yamashiro-san's so lucky!!!"

A couple of minutes later, we were on the floor again, conversing. And somehow, the conversation shifted to past relationships.

"I swear. The first time Mimi laid her eyes on Jin, it was like she found her purpose," Yamashiro laughed. "Sorry for bringing this up, Nagachika-san."

"No, no, it's all right! It was long ago!"

"Wah! How wonderful," she raised her beer can up and exclaimed, "To Nagachika-san and Mimi!"

Miri and I glanced at each other as our brows furrowed. "We're not dating!" we stated simultaneously.

"You should be!" Yamashiro's green eyes piercedstraight through Miri. "He gave up _hours_ in one of the best places in Tokyo, missed out on all the rides and the food,"

_Sounds great..._

" _Just_ to come back and take care of you! If that ain't love, honey..."

"You're drunk!" Miri shouted out, reaching for Yamashiro's beer can.

"Yes, clearly! From this beer, that's only six-percent alcohol..."

"Hide!" Miri hit me on the shoulder.

" _You're_ in denial! I know you, Mimi," she smirked at the brunette as she pointed a finger at her. "We don't talk as much as we used to and we've grown apart...but I know you very well!"

A little while later, I found myself groaning my guts out at the next chosen game. Esashi didn't play with us; she was still on the couch watching us, while her boyfriend sat on the other couch.

"We're playing it again because this time, it's with Yamashiro and Akagawa," voiced Norio, almost appearing as uninterested as I was. However, when he realized that Miri was sitting beside him, his opinion took a turn. "Are we going to add in your rules and switch around and take shots, Uchisan?"

Even with his voice controlled, he had her subtly rolling her eyes. " _Non,_ not this time."

"Jin, let's just play a couple of rounds then switch it up with something else!" crossing my legs, I gazed at the man on my far right. "What do you say?"

"Of course! Just a couple rounds for the ones who missed out," he half-smiled, taking a sip out of his drink before placing the glass on the coffee table behind him.

When I looked at Miri, who sat across me, she had my shirt over her nose and her mouth, but not quite exposing her neck. Sumie sat on my right, carefully eyeing us both but at the same time, acting nonchalant.

And then, the bottle was spun.

"What was the last search on your phone history?" asked Akagawa.

"DDD tutorial," answered Yamashiro, shrugging. "I stay on SNS, so I don't search for much."

"Boring!" I yelled out as the bottle pointed at me and Miri. The small action made Yamashiro clap while the others around us 'woo-ed' to themselves; I knew I wasn't going to ask anything that would embarrass her. "Who's your closest friend?"

She pressed her lips together. "Sumichan," when everyone gave an almost negative reaction, she continued. " _Allez,_ Haru already knows!"

_I wanted to tell her, but I knew that it wasn't my place._

_Or...should I?_

"Yup," the redhead nodded. "It's no big deal."

Miri reached forward and spun the bottle.

"Do a handstand!" Akagawa said to Jin, who got up to perform an effortlessly, absurdly awesome handstand.

"I know that girls at your campus give you food," Sumie said to Norio. "But whose food is your favorite?"

With a shrug, he pushed his hair back. "None so far that stood out to me."

"I want you and Mimi to kiss!"

Gritting my teeth and rolling my eyes, I glanced at Miri, feeling my cheeks heat up as she giggled and shook her head. "I'm not doing that!"

"No kissing!" yelled Jin, shoving Yamashiro.

"Just on the cheek if not on the mouth! It'll be so cute! C'mon!"

Miri raised her shoulders as she looked at everyone else except me.

"Fine," even though I sighed, we both knew I wasn't reluctant. Her hazel eyes rolled as she saw the smile on my face gradually widen. "As long as Miri's all right with it!"

"Of course she is! Right?"

" _Pas le choix._ Go ahead!"

I was already on all fours before she could respond. Leaning forward along with me, I kissed her on the cheek and Yamashiro had all but lost it.

"So! Cute!"

Ever since our exchange, the questions had mostly become about her and me, except when it was Sumie or Norio's turns; however, that was, unfortunately, short-lived.

"I dare _you,_ Miri, to take off that shirt around your neck!"

Miri's eyes directly met mine before she glanced at Sumie again. With a chuckle and a shrug, she acted nonchalant as her hand made its way to the fabric. "Sounds _way_ too normal, for a dare. Why would you want me to do that?"

"But not just Miri..." Sumie abruptly slapped my lap, causing me to wince and shout. "Nagachika, too."

Even Yamashiro grew suspicious. "Why? That's not how the game works!"

"Yeah," I agreed, pushing her hand off. "Dare something that will actually be fun to see! Maybe Miri can show us a hidden talent, or something."

However, Sumie shook her head. "That's my dare."

"Pass!" Miri yelled out, throwing a hand up. " _Ennuyeux!"_

"I'll let it go, if..." I didn't like the direction in which Sumie was taking the game. Glaring at her from the corner of my eye, I watched as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. "You're fine with me playing back your voice notes."

Scoffing, Miri brought her hair forward. "I haven't sent you voice notes in, like, three weeks."

"You sent me some last week. If you check your Line right now and scroll up, you'll see that you sent me some...on Tuesday." The sound of Sumie's voice had changed; it was as though she were testing her. My jaw automatically clenched at the thought — I got that it was a daring game, but at that moment, it seemed to take a turn to something more personal.

"You were drunk." The words had Mirélle's features crumble.

"What's the point?" I grunted, scratching the back of my head. "If she wants to keep it on, let her! She's cold! You should have seen her hours ago when I first got back...she was shaking so much from the cold! Even now, she's vibrating!"

Sumie's brown eyes appeared uninterested as she looked away from me and back at Miri again.

"Oh, Mimi," Yamashiro chimed in. "I'll close everything for you." And she did, which gave Sumie a stronger desire to have us both remove our shirt-scarves.

Mirélle swallowed before gazing at me with a hint of worry spreading across her features.

"C'mon guys! I get that all the windows are closed and air-conditioning is off but it doesn't mean she'll feel hot instantly!" allowing a chuckle past my lips, I looked at Sumie. "You would know, right? You guys are close."

"Let's just move on," mumbled Jin, met with a wave of agreement from the others.

But she wasn't having any of it.

With a quick press of a finger, Mirélle's voice was heard on Sumie's phone. She groaned and sighed before addressing Sumie and gushing to her about a guy; it was enough for Miri to shout at her.

" _Arrête!_ I'll take it off, _arée,"_ Miri pursed her lips and reached for the shirt, looking at me and taking in a deep inhale. "It's no big deal."

I clenched my teeth harder and reached forward to grab Sumie's phone, to which she screamed and clawed at me for. Everyone else had erupted in loud noises as well; I stood up to evade her and quickly deleted the voice notes, thankful that Sumie hadn't locked her phone.

_She must've been so eager to embarrass Miri! The voice notes were literally at the ready._

" _Yah!"_ Jin shouted, getting up as well and approaching us. "Calm down! What the heck is going on?!"

Sumie pushed and hit and scratched me from the back, pulling off the shirt around my neck.

"Hey!" I yelled out as I turned around, putting a hand to my exposed skin. "Give that back!"

"Fuck you! Give me my phone back!"

"Take it! Jeez!" practically throwing the phone at her, I reached for the shirt in her hand, but she pulled away swiftly. "I gave you your stupid phone! Give me my shirt!"

"I can't believe you deleted them...!" Sumie's breath was trembling with anger and frustration. "What's the matter with you?!"

"Those things are private! You should respect that!" I reached for the shirt again, but she still stepped away from me.

"Come on, Sumie. You've done enough damage today," Jin cleared his throat as he stretched an arm to her, standing between us. "Give him the shirt back."

Sumie gritted her teeth as she glared at the both of us, throwing the shirt to the floor. "Fuck this!"

I hurriedly grabbed it as she stormed off into the girl's room, slamming the door behind her.

"What the heck was that about?" Jin muttered, glancing at me. Before responding, I turned around and fixed the shirt over the marks.

"It was wrong of her to use Miri's unconsciousness to expose her like that," my voice was low as I gazed to the girl on the left, standing up with her hands clasped at her sides. "So I deleted the voice notes."

Jin let out a strong exhale, putting his hands on his hips. "Damn. You did?"

"I had to! And how stupid is it that she really wanted us to remove our scarf-shirts...the rule was no removing things! It's like asking you to take off your sunglasses!"

He chuckled forcefully, but I was hoping he would've given more insight to why he wore it. "Then, I understand. Why's she acting like this..."

"Sorry," Mirélle said loudly. "I'm out."

"Why?" Yamashiro whined while Akagawa and Norio protested. "Where are you going?"

"What in the world was that all about?" she shook her head, looking disappointed. "I...I need some air," she stepped out of the circle and walked between Jin and me in a huff, heading straight towards the girl's room before she stalked up the staircase in a heartbeat. It seemed like she and Sumie only shared a brief word. "Hide..."

"Hm?"

"When you're done, will you come to the balcony?"

My heart pounded. "You got it. I'll be there."

Everyone else stood up and groaned when they both left; it appeared as though the game was over, thanks to what happened with Sumie. As we all began to clean up, Jin stretched with a sigh.

"I'll check up on her." He declared over his shoulder, already behind the wall and up the stairs. Beginning to get antsy, I gathered all the garbage as quickly as I could, already feeling like I was out of breath.

_I guess Jin will be joining us...or...I'll be joining them...?_

"I'll go ahead now!"

"Took you long enough!" Yamashiro exclaimed, throwing her hands up. "Go!"

My fists clenched as I began to fidget. The thought of Jin and Miri crossed my mind as my heart thumped heavier with each step that I took to the balcony. I crept near the wall that led to the exterior of the chalet, careful not to be seen or sensed by any of the two on the other side as I watched them.

Her laugh rang in my ears through the slit in the balcony door; muffled, but cheery all the same. I saw them both, smoking cigarettes and speaking with wide smiles. He pulled on the loose sleeves of her pajamas and she yanked herself away, playfully pushing him before they both leaned on the balcony's railing.

The shirt wasn't around her neck anymore; she must've told him about _us_.

It was almost as if something green surrounded me; an unpleasant feeling swam and unfurled across my body from the center of my belly. The sight brought nothing but more doubt and baseless assumptions, and I began to think about how different Mirélle and I really were.

Maybe I wasn't the one who was meant to spend my time with her; from where I stood, Jin seemed to make her...

_Really happy._


	25. ⦋ Hardest of Hearts ⦌

— _rewritten **2017** \- **2018**_

_**word count** — 3202_

♫

In deduction: _I was a jealous mess._

I inhaled deeply to calm myself as I slid open the door; an icy gust of wind opened up my chest when I stepped out onto the balcony.

"Hey!" I grinned slightly, half-jogging towards them. Miri immediately turned to face me with a captivating smile.

" _Ola,"_ she brought the cigarette to her lips as she looked me over. "Aren't you cold?"

Running my hands down my arms, I shook my head. "I'll be all right!" when I looked to Jin, he nodded at the fabric around my neck.

"You too?"

I glanced at Miri, who shrugged as she shook her head. "He saw mine already," she ran a finger along her neck, making me laugh slightly.

"What did she tell you?" I questioned. "Or did you have to pull it out of her?"

"I asked why were you two so adamant about keeping the shirts on and why you took Sumie's phone. She pretty much told me that she was drunk, and you were there. You wouldn't have taken Sumie's phone if Miri was _just_ feeling cold..."

" _Merci,"_ Miri said softly. "I don't know what would drive her to do that. I'm still confused. She's been acting so strange lately."

I nodded. "Yeah, it was...weird."

_It would be worse if Miri knew the truth._

"Let me see what Mir did," Jin changed the subject, blowing out smoke. "How bad it is."

" _Arée,"_ Miri rolled her eyes. "You make it sound like I did something terrible..."

"It's not as bad as what I did to her," I snickered, scratching the back of my head as I looked at her neck. "Trust me!"

Pressing my lips together, my gaze remained fixed on the girl, who stared back with half a smile. I couldn't believe that I was reaching up for it; that I was going to remove it in front of Jin, for him to see how she had kissed me. Not only was he a close friend to her, but he was also her ex. Not only was he my senior, but he was beginning to become my friend.

 _"Let me see how bad it is,"_ held so much history behind it, but I tried not to dwell on it.

The shirt came off and Jin stepped forward, examining my neck. Miri did the same next to him, eyeing me closely.

"I suddenly feel like I'm being watched," I muttered cheerfully, seeing her laugh along. "How's it lookin'? As bad as you thought?"

Jin clicked his tongue and backed away, crossing his arms. "Could've been worse." Then he warily studied us as he smoked his cigarette. "So, are you two finally dating?"

"No!" I replied along with Miri. "It just happened out of nowhere..." I didn't realize how dumb it sounded until I said it.

"...It was a drunken mistake," Miri said slowly. "I drank too much and puked a lot. I wasn't in my right mind."

"But you like him, don't you?"

"She likes everyone!"

"I wouldn't _say_ — _"_ Miri spoke, but was cut off by Jin.

"No, no. I meant that she specifically likes _you,_ Hideyoshi."

When I glanced at Miri, she was biting her lip. "Jin...they're just hickeys..."

He didn't comment. "And you, Hideyoshi?"

"I mean...y'know, I like her! We already discussed it before everyone came back, so I know where I stand."

Jin was silent for a while. It was obvious how we felt about each other and Jin and Miri seemed close enough to have had the conversation before she had it with me; elaborating on the subject wouldn't have done much of a difference.

With a shrug and an exhale of smoke, Jin turned towards the exit. "At least you've marked your territories, huh?" he put a foot into the cabin as Miri clicked her tongue. "I'll search for a good movie. Come back in soon."

" _Arée..."_ Miri groaned, rolling her eyes. "What a way to put it..."

Deciding to change the subject, I stretched my arms above my head as I looked to the dark, yet beautiful horizon of forest silhouettes. "It's nice up here! I should definitely bring my friend next time. I'm sure he'd be a big fan of the place. See, he likes isolation, in a way, so I think that this would be the perfect getaway for him."

_Kaneki, where are you right now? Are you happy, where you are?_

_I really, really hope...that somehow, you are._

"You don't like being alone?" Miri questioned.

"Are you kidding me? It's the worst," there was nothing like being alone with my thoughts; I always felt the need to escape my own head and talk to people. Around others or in a crowd was where I was most comfortable; where I could focus. "If he were to find out about this place, he would _definitely_ come up here alone. I would always invite people, on the other hand!"

"But...being alone is good, sometimes."

"Save it for someone like Kaneki."

"Maybe he and I will come up here without you!"

"And what will you both do? Start a book club?" I laughed as I looked at her, but her smile slowly faded as she stared at me.

The ambiance shifted as she turned her back to the railing and leaned against it, provoking me with the alluring expression on her face. I stepped in front of her and wrapped my arms around her, resting my hands over the fence at her back.

"Would that make you jealous?" she hummed, following my eyes.

"Maybe." We observed each other for a moment before I pushed forward to kiss her; she avoided me effortlessly, turning her head to the side, once, twice. My heart thumped as the feeling of rejection pulled the corners of my mouth down to a frown, causing my brows to furrow.

_I shouldn't forget what we talked about._

"Hide," her voice only barely rose above a whisper. "Do you want to..."

"Hm?"

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

Her words heated my cheeks and made my heartbeat hasten; however, I responded differently. "I'm not sleepy yet."

"...You know what I mean, _arée_."

"I guess...I would like to," images of her body from earlier that night flashed before my eyes, along with the way she said my name and the way she kissed me; an absentminded sigh left my lungs.

_We're both sober and we're both consenting, but...as much as I wanted it, I knew what she actually meant by the question._

Her lips parted as her chest fell; with a swift nod, she directed her gaze to the floor, almost appearing disappointed. "All right."

"Not right now!" I shook her gently, reassuring her. "Eventually, I would like to! You know, after we've had our first date, first kiss, and all that cute, romantic-couple stuff!"

" _C'est quoi ce bordel?"_ she bit her lip. "I thought that—"

"Yeah, I know what you thought!"

Miri snickered as she hit me on the torso, and I couldn't help but return the emotion while involuntarily kissing her on the cheek. She blinked out of confusion but smiled all the same. Out of the blue, a strong feeling of contentment washed over me; I could stay that way for a long time, just looking at her.

" _Arée,_ am I that obvious to you?"

"You're hard to read," I admitted, taking my hands out from her sides and placing them on my hips. "But I'm a good reader! And I can read between the lines pretty well."

Miri shook her head. "There's more than that."

"I know! I'm willing to uncover it all."

She did it once more. "Ah, stop flirting with me."

"Don't give me that look and it'll be easier not to."

_Then again, who was I kidding?_

We began to joke about the way Jin and I had almost kissed, as well as the way she and Haru locked lips. Our hickeys were the punchline of several of our jests, but not so much to the point of embarrassing her; she slapped me repeatedly as she laughed. " _Tais-toi,_ Hideyoshi!"

Grabbing her arm and pinching her lightly allowed for a little yelp; she skipped away before stretching again to hit me. "Not fair! Stand still!" pouting when I dodged, she stepped closer as I stepped further, my cheeks going numb from how wide I was smiling.

"What? You expect me to just stand there and take it?"

"Obviously!"

When I stopped moving, she bumped into me and stepped back, confusion taking over her adorable little face. "Ah, a nobleman who knows to give up before a lady; you are well cultured."

"Of course I am," I snorted, raising my brows at the middle as I stroked my imaginary beard. "It takes years to master this kind of self-discipline."

She pinched me as she began to run past me, laughing her heart out; I held her by the waist and turned her around, slightly carrying her as I dragged her about the balcony.

"If you don't let me go, I'll head-butt you." She threatened playfully, swatting my hands.

"We—ow," a hard object at the bottom of my foot interrupted me, having me loosen my grip around the girl.

"Oh, the pocket knife," she forced herself out of my arms. "I almost forgot about it. Are you all right? Is your foot OK?"

"I think so. Careful where you put that!"

"The blade isn't even outside, _con_." She sat down, holding it up and pulling out the blade.

I rolled my eyes before crossing my legs and sitting down beside her. " _Still!_ You never know what could happen..."

It was her turn to snort. "You're cute when you're scared."

"Cute, I am. Scared, I am not."

After a few seconds of examining the blade, she began scratching the side of one of the pillars of the wooden railing.

"Won't you get in trouble for that?"

"No, look," she pointed on the other side of the pillar, revealing a few initials carved into the wood crookedly."Last time we came up here, they did this while I was out. Haru and Ryū don't generally join that often, so it's just the four."

"Where's Norio's?"

"He said that he wanted to carve his name in once I do it. Hey, write your name next to mine once I'm done."

"Next to yours?" I raised a brow. "Isn't that spot reserved for Norio?"

She groaned. "It's yours, _mon cœur."_

"And what does that mean again?"

"Hmmm...it's a term of endearment."

" _Really?"_ I exclaimed loudly, exaggeratingly."Have you been giving me pet names this entire time? All the times you put ' _mon_ ' in front of something?"

Laughing, she hit me on the shoulder. "And so what if I have?"

"The least you can do is tell me what they mean."

"It means...hm, my dear? My sweet, my heart," she shrugged, handing me the knife. "How's that? Would you like to hear more?"

"No, no," I leaned forward to the railing as a strange feeling unfurled in my stomach, making my cheeks hot. I began to etch my name into the wood while she watched. "I get it, you like me a lot. Just stop flirting with me!"

"I do _not,"_ she giggled. "And I'm not flirting! Oh, wait, next to mine, OK?" she shuffled faintly and I felt her against my arm.

I added a plus sign to her surname, writing down my own letters. "I think this is good enough, huh, Miri- _hime?_ Do you like it?" when I turned to her, our noses had almost touched again.

_Ah, something has...shifted..._

_It'll never be normal between us. Ever._

_It never was to begin with._

She backed away instantly, although still close by. "Are you only going to write 'Hide'?"

"Right," I blinked, tugging my eyes from her to the pillar as I completed my name. "Maybe I'll add the date of today too, for _extra_ sentimentality! What do you think?"

"I didn't know you were so indecisive," she giggled. " _Oui_ , that sounds good, but also...kind of sad."

"Sad? Why sad?"

"What if something happens...and we're strangers again?" her voice trailed off.

"But it's a good memory,"

"...Nostalgia's a peculiar feeling." She inhaled deeply, gazing at me. "It looks good, anyway."

"I'm almost done."

Silence was a solace between us, wrapping us both in its embrace; I didn't feel the need to fill in the empty spaces with words or unnecessary small talk. It was like that for a little while: when we had first met, but the longer we remained in each other's presence, the more it felt like we had known one another for a long time.

"Viola!" I grinned, handing her the knife. She clapped animatedly, returning the expression as she gently swayed. "Should we go back inside now?"

" _Arée,_ are you that excited?"

"I would like to watch the movie!"

Her expression fell, but she immediately masked it with a forced grin. "You can go ahead; I'll follow in a bit."

"Then I'll stay for a bit."

"No, really; go ahead. Don't let me keep you."

"You're cute!"

My comment had her smiling as she pulled out a cigarette and looked up at the sky. "Thanks, _mon chou."_

Soon, we both reclined on the wooden floor beneath us, watching the dark sky fall darker as the stars gleamed brightly above us. _  
_

... _Was this romantic at all? It sure felt like it was. My heart's practically soaring._

_Man, I really hope that the film we see is a romance or at least a romantic comedy. I could write down a few things._

So far, I had noticed a lot about the people that I spent the weekend with; granted, I had known Jin, Domoto, Esashi, and Norio before I had met the other two, but it wasn't hard to figure them out, either.

Delafose Sumie was jealous of Mirélle; it was clearly an involuntary emotion, but the way she handled was completely voluntary and wrong. Sure, she cared about Miri, but when the green-eyed monster struck, she didn't hesitate to badmouth her.

They appeared to have a strong relationship, but would they still be close if Miri were aware and knew of the things Sumie had said and would say about her?

Domoto Maki and Esashi Hana were the only couple of the group. He had the upper hand while she obeyed whatever he wished for; a pretty ' _normal'_ relationship. Other than that, Domoto studied at the Department of History at Kamii University; he was, indeed, a bit of an asshole, while his girlfriend was a complete sweetheart.

_He should really appreciate having her, jeez. Either do that or leave the girl alone._

And based on Miri's point of view, he's not interested in Esashi anymore. I didn't know what went on behind closed doors, but he didn't treat her badly in front of us; in fact, a lot of the time, they appeared to be completely absorbed with one another's presence.

_That didn't mean it was all rainbows and butterflies._

Not only that, but he also had quite the wandering eye — I often caught him glancing at Miri and Sumie's boobs. He was a guy in the end, but damn...Esashi's enough of a looker, too, if I had to admit to that. When Jin said we were going to hang out with cute girls three weeks ago, he wasn't sugarcoating one bit.

Fujisaki Norio, I learned, had very strong feelings for Mirélle; they were borderline delusional and belonging to someone who takes the word 'dreamer' onto a whole new level, and, _completely_ one-sided — I could tell that he wanted her all to himself and I couldn't blame him for feeling that way. He was possessive and obsessive about someone that wasn't his, but on campus, he was almost the coolest guy. Therefore, seeing him act out in such a manner was somewhat of a shock to me, at first.

A lot of boys that shared my sophomore rank were usually crazy about a girl they couldn't have — I wasn't an exception either; in fact, I was known for being too forward with the skirts I'd been chasing.

Still; Norio was a smart man. He already owned the looks of a millionaire-gentleman and he was studying at the Department of Management. The fact that Mirélle didn't even want him for his money could say a lot about her; besides, he was overprotective of someone that didn't belong to him and I wondered if he's truly as smart as I pegged him to be.

 _Book smart_ _≠ life smart, after all._

Then again, it was understandable...to a certain extent.

_I would want her all to myself as well._

Akagawa Ryūnosuke and Yamashiro Haru came in a bit late, but it wasn't difficult for me to understand them as well. Ryūnosuke appeared to fit in with Miri with his quiet, self-reserved persona; he was extremely friendly but not over the top, like myself. He knew when and who to talk to, and how to present himself. It was no wonder that he was a close friend of Jin's.

A part of me had contemplated briefly, if he too, were a Ghoul. But wouldn't Takayū know of Ghouls in their campus, what with their connections to the CCG?

Yamashiro Haru, who also studied at Takayū, was almost the complete opposite of Ryūnosuke, however. She mimicked Miri's outgoing playfulness; maybe even appealed to her wild side from time to time. It didn't appear as though she had any sort of malicious intent towards anyone in the group, and her display of disliking Sumie came off subtly. Unlike Jin, she seemed to be more of an open book.

If I spoke well, she would tell me what I needed to know about Miri and her past.

_But I already established that I'll get it from Miri herself...still, wouldn't hurt to ask._

And finally, the _king_ himself — Harada Jin; a much-respected junior from my university. He was kind, informative and helpful regarding _every_ little thing. When I needed help upon the first week of joining the committee, he was there to inform me the details from A to Z, including things I needn't know. He was studying in the Department of Chemical Engineering _and_ a part of the committee's head staff; in other words, he was my _senpai_. Even more so right now — _now,_ that I've learned that he had a past with the girl I was into.

I only occasionally had lunch with him during free classes and Norio would join too, at times.

When I thought about it, the blonde was almost always complaining about a girl that had rejected him. It was possible that he was talking about Mirélle; his words were somewhat vague in my head, but a lot of them surfaced to my memory.

_"I don't know what to do...I really love her."_

_"I'm done with her!"_

But, as expected, he always ended up running after her, like he was chasing the clouds. Jin's responses had me wondering why he never told Norio about him and Miri to begin with; it would've probably pushed Norio away from even the thought of being with Miri.

However, he would often say,

_"It's all right, man. These things happen, so it's best to just move on from it."_

_Hmm..._


	26. ⦋ L'appel Du Vide ⦌

— _**2017**_

_**word count** — 3478_

♫

Mirélle abruptly began to hum on my left. I didn't look at her and only noticed the smoke rings that emitted from her direction, slowly disintegrating along the howls of the wind. It was a disgusting habit, but she was a charming girl.

"Miri?"

"Hide."

"How many people have you dated?"

Seconds passed in silence before she answered. "As if I remember. It's not like I keep count, _t'sais._ Why? Do you keep count of how many girls you've dated?"

It was at that moment that it hit me.

 _Oh jeez, I might be_ nothing _compared to a French guy...!_

But I nonchalantly scoffed under my breath, sitting up. "I think I've only dated three, so that's not a large enough amount for me to forget."

" _Three?"_ she exclaimed. "A handsome, funny, outgoing guy like you? That's hard to believe."

"Well, believe it! I don't even think _any_ of them counted as 'relationships', actually."

"Hm? _Pourquoi?_ What were they like?"

"The first one was, I think, during preschool, before I even moved to this ward. I was really young and I just really wanted some friends." I sat forward and allowed my legs to dangle through the gaps in the railing. "But then she started calling me her 'boyfriend' and I went with it. I don't even remember her name!"

"Then that _definitely_ doesn't count!"

"I know! She 'broke up' with me because I didn't share some of my sweets with her one time, which is a valid reason."

Miri laughed.

"The second one came during elementary, over here. We were both into extra-curricular activities that happened after school and she'd often ask my best friend to tutor her for Japanese class; not that he was _that_ good, but the fact that he read a lot of books gave her the idea that he was some sort of genius.

"Anyway, I told him that if he wasn't going to ask her out, then I'll beat him to it, which I eventually did!"

"Him? Was it Kaneki?"

"Yup! He's not really like me; he's quieter and reserved, so I couldn't really blame him for not making a move. Still, I gave him the upper hand, which _had_ to mean something!"

"And do you remember _her_ name, at least?"

I paused for a moment, thinking of the girl's face in vain as her name remained hidden. "Nope."

 _"Arée,_ what happened then? Why doesn't she count?"

"I was 'too forward', apparently. When I first spent time with her, I asked her out on a date. She was cute and Kaneki didn't make a move, so I thought, _hey, why not?!_

"The next day, we went on our little 'date' and I told her that I liked her. Afterward, I didn't hear from her for a whole week; when I saw her in class, she always avoided me! Sometimes, I called out to her but she'd run even faster and farther. She and Kaneki were studying together in the library one afternoon and that was the only chance I got to speak to her. When I asked her what was going on, she screamed and said, 'I'm not your girlfriend!' and ran away!

"Kaneki was trying so hard not to laugh out loud, but I could tell that he was also embarrassed for me!"

The way she reacted to my ridiculousness comforted me. "And what happened to the third one?"

"The third one...ah, the most recent one I had. She had a pretty name, so I didn't forget it."

"What was it?"

"I think it was...something with an M,"

"Mirélle,"

Shaking my head, I chuckled. "If _only_ I had known you! But no, it was _not_ Mirélle. Her name was...Mei, I think. Mei or Mai...I'm not so sure."

"I thought you remembered?"

"It's not like it matters anymore! I don't think it counted with her either because it was one-sided and it didn't really last long enough to be considered a 'relationship'.

"Just like the girl in elementary, she was into after-school activities. She was friendly and pretty; I really liked her. She got along well with Kaneki, too, even though he mostly tried to avoid talking when she was around in general. It was around the time he had lost someone, so he was distant..."

I cleared my throat and shook my head.

"We got to the point where we had labeled ourselves as 'boyfriend and girlfriend', but within a week or two, she told me that the only reason she agreed to hang out with me or even _go_ _out_ with me was that she wanted to get closer to Kaneki. So, she broke it off when she noticed that he wasn't interested at all. I guess she couldn't wait because Kaneki kind of needs time when it comes to that stuff, and it was a wrong time to hit on him, to begin with..."

She sighed. " _Putain..."_

"That's exactly what I said!" I chuckled. "So, when I told Kaneki what happened, he took it upon himself to apologize on her behalf — that guy! Even taking the blame for something he had little to nothing to do with! It's impossible to get angry at him because of that, you know."

"I'm sorry I made you talk about that," she muttered as she sat up beside me. "I didn't mean to open up old wounds."

"No, Miri!" I ruffled her soft hair. "What are you apologizing for? I could've kept them to myself if I wanted to, but I like telling you things! Anything, actually!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure! This was just like our conversations over the phone, or through texts. Hey, now that I think about it, at this time we'd be complaining to each other about how we can't sleep!"

I turned to watch her lips stretch into a sweet smile, the moonlight bright enough for me to see her properly.

"And I'd take a photo of the movie I was watching," she said.

"That you had fallen asleep to, and then apologize to me in the morning when you went off to university."

"Then you'd tell me that you didn't sleep all night and have me worry!"

"But I'd make it up with the evidence of my breakfast!"

"It wouldn't stop me from reprimanding you and telling you to take a nap—"

"In the fucking bathroom stall!"

Our laughter echoed around us. " _Arée,_ a nap is a nap!"

"Jeez."

"What?"

I pressed my lips together and shook my head, watching her. "Nothing at all, stupid!"

Leaning back on my arms, I directed my gaze to the sky. Some sort of pleasure held me at that moment; tranquility flowed through me the way it didn't in a long time.

"You know, I once told Kaneki that I wouldn't mind having a Ghoul girlfriend, and he told me that I didn't have to be _that_ desperate."

"It's not exactly _desperate._ You're just keeping your options... _really_ _wide_ and _really_ open." There was a hint of mockery in her tone.

"He thought that I was being that way because we were talking about girls the entire time we were out. I think that he thought that I was just being thirsty! What about you? Would youdate a Ghoul?"

" _Arée_...I never really thought about it, _t'sais,"_ she rubbed the back of her neck.

_Hmm..._

"What do you think of Ghouls, anyway? We joked around about them, but I didn't find out what you _really_ thought of them."

"It's hard to say," she muttered. "I don't really welcome them, _je pense, mais_...I'm on the fence."

I was slightly distracted, knowing what I knew. "I see them as normal people, sometimes."

"That's not really something I hear every day," she bit her lip. "The last thing I would call them is 'normal'. _Mais_... _peut-être..."_

Her voice faded, as though she were contemplating her words.

"You know what I mean; not 'normal', normal...but normal, in a way. They do _look_ human, after all."

"They're murderers," she huffed. "They eat whatever is in front of them. Their appearance is just a way to fool us...they're not people. They're monsters, just like every other _human_ murderer out there. I feel strongly that way. _Mais...je ne sais pas;_ I'm torn.

"I know that a part of me hates them, but I also know that you're right, and, another part of me wants to understand why they _do_ what they do when they don't need to. We learned that Ghouls can live on _one_ body for an entire month — _peu importe_ , _je m'en fiche_ , but what about those that binge? That eat the people they know...? It's...fucked up."

She _knew_ what she was talking about; she had experienced it, whether it was with Jin or someone else. The thought pained me somewhat, because I knew as well.

_Dog bite._

"This is out of the blue," I murmured, treading lightly on the subject as I scratched my face. "But, have you thought of joining the CCG?"

"The CCG...?" I carefully studied her features, seeing that she was deep in thought as she chewed on her bottom lip. Her hand found its way to her nape once more. "I mean, there is an academy branch at my uni, but I don't know if I have the time for it..."

_She's lying. She's almost always lying when it came to these things._

_But...why?_

"I didn't think you'd need to anyway," I chuckled, running my fingers through my hair. "With a major, minor, online courses, a part-time job _and_ managing your university's paper, _and_ whatever else you're up to? I doubt you'd have time to even _think_ about anything else. Actually...this is kinda sudden, but, Miri, would you _please_ drop something?"

However, Miri was no longer with me; she stared sorrowfully into the open space as her entity rose above her physical being. Even the cigarette, which had turned off, wasn't enough to keep her tethered to Earth anymore.

" _Oi,_ Mirélle?" I waved my hand in front of her face, bringing her back. "Uchiyama."

"Ah... _pardon_ ," shaking her head, she glanced at me with a faint smile; eyes almost void of emotion. "What is it?"

" _Yah,_ don't space out on me like that. I was just telling you that you should drop something. It feels like all of your activities are weighing you down, and there's no faster way to a stress-filled life like such a busy one. You need at least _some_ time off...don't you think?"

"Are you worried about me now?"

"Yeah! I worry sometimes, ya know! I'm human, too! What do you say?"

Blinking, she looked away, over the navy horizon that hung behind the railing in front of us. With a swift nod, she hummed. "I'll have to check over everything and think about it, but maybe I can..."

"Please do, and let me know what you decide. All right, Miri- _hime?"_

"Hm. _D'accord, mon chou."_

A stillness fell upon us after we closed the subject; it seemed that we both weren't ready to talk about personal agendas. She pulled out another cigarette and I commented on how addicted she must be to them.

"I'm not addicted; I'm just used to it." Without warning, she lifted herself off the floor, dropping her cigarette and quickly raising a leg to step on the railing.

"W-woah," I stood up right after her and stepped back to watch her carefully, fear causing my heart to palpitate. She brought her left foot up as well, beginning to stand up without bending her knees or her back; slowly, but dangerously. "Oi, what are you doing?"

Sighing, she snickered. "Relax. It's perfectly safe! Don't you trust me?"

It appeared as though she almost lost her balance, but she immediately corrected her posture and stood completely straight. Intuitively, I moved closer to her and quickly raised my hands to her thighs.

"What the fuck! Get down! I don't trust that thing!" I tilted my head to the left, carefully scrutinizing the stable shudder of the fence, making her shake steadily along with it.

"Shut up! I only weigh, like...a-hundred-forty pounds, _arée_..."

"Still, dumbass! Get down!"

She stretched her arms out and embraced the howls of wind perilously, cautiously sliding her legs further apart for better poise and further making me panic.

"You're not being funny," I strode behind her, my eyes bouncing from her figure to her feet, and to the untrustworthy wood she stood upon. "Seriously, you're beginning to remind me of Kaneki."

" _Ah, bon?_ Seems like we have more in common than I thought!"

"All the bad things, dummy!" the railing began to shake even further beneath her weight, causing a lash of anxiety to course through me as it creaked slightly. Instinctively, I stepped closer with my forearms automatically rising by my sides. "Shit!"

She hummed questionably. "But you'll catch me if Ifall, no?"

I looked up at her and she was looking back at me over her shoulder, a virtuous smile on her face. "And what if you fall the other way, huh? I won't be able to catch you then!"

Scoffing, she looked at the sky again, shaking her head. " _Arée_ , that's not goi—"

I let out a shout, immediately stepping right behind her as she fell backward and onto me. My arms instinctively enveloped her as my back was struck by the wooden floor, knocking the air out of me momentarily — my backbone ached like someone had hit me with a metal bat.

When I first opened my eyes, all I saw were strange patterns amid the dark sky: stars colliding and turning pink, blue and red, before the rest of my senses came back to me; I noticed that she wasn't in my arms anymore and instead, she was crouched beside me on the right, looking over me and lightly patting my cheek with her cold hand.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated for the fourth time. "Are you OK? Is your back OK? Hide, I'm sorry,"

Closing my eyes again, I moaned, turning my head away. "You're mental, you know? Ken's got nothing on you."

I didn't get a reply from her; she retracted her hand from my cheek and I sensed her straightening her position. Groaning, I arched my back and winced at the faint stab of pain that reacted to my body's movement.

" _Arée,_ I'm sorry..." Mirélle mumbled with a frown; she shifted closer to me as she pushed my hair back from my face.

"It's fine," I replied, releasing a long exhale. "I only almost broke my back, no big deal!"

" _Désolée!"_ she continued. "I'm sorry, Hideyoshi, _arée!_ You're being dramatic!"

" _I'm_ being dramatic?! Go to hell!" I pushed her face away from mine as I rubbed my forehead, gritting my teeth through the ache from my back.

She hummed as she looked at me, sadness overtaking her playful expression. "I'm sorry..."

I brought my hand up to the back of her head and pulled her close, gently stroking her cheek with my thumb. I wouldn't have minded it if this was how our first kiss was going to happen. "I'm kidding! It might leave a bruise, but I'll be all right!"

Her features softened as her smile stretched, almost immediately shifting into a frown. " _Con."_ With an exhale, she sat up straight and looked towards the balcony door.

"I should be put onto a nice, soft bed, don't you think?" I chuckled, slowly propping myself up on my arms.

" _Bien sûr!_ Don't even ask, just get up. Or should I carry you?"

"No! I can't have you breaking your back, too," I joked, pointing at the shirts near the railing where she was originally standing with Jin. "We should put those back on, shouldn't we?"

With a hum, she stood and picked them up, swiftly crouching back to my side and placing mine around my neck. She cautiously handed me hers, pulling her hair up. "If you don't mind."

"Never." After gently covering up her marks, we both stood up and I had unintentionally winced at the feeling from my back, causing her to click her tongue and caress me carefully.

"I feel terrible..."

"Maybe you should give me a kiss to make the pain go away," my smart-ass remark had her rolling her eyes.

" _Tais-toi,_ Nagakchika."

"You're so mean!"

"Stop flirting with me, _arée!"_

As we headed down from the balcony, thoughts had immediately occupied my already bustling brain.

The upcoming week was going to consist of several tests and late submissions. News on Ghouls was less than usual for some reason, and I only hoped that their behavior would continue on to the next week; however, it was only a matter of time before the scale tipped and things would begin to deteriorate. It wasn't something I was hoping for, but it was an understanding that I had come to: if, for a time period, things were going well, they will—without a doubt—become bad again. Or at least, balance out to the middle.

The thought of good times had me wanting to take Miri out on a _proper_ date — onceshe accepted my invitation, of course. She liked concerts, festivals and...well, _volleyball,_ computers, and being outdoors, I supposed.

_Ah, dammit. And several weeks ago, I was chastising Kaneki for taking his date to a library, yet here I am, just as clueless as he was._

_Mirélle also likes books...should I do like loser Kaneki and take her on a library date, too?_

"What? I already saw that movie!" Mirélle exclaimed as Jin loaded up the film. She delicately ran a hand through her hair, and I thought it was cute how the tangles must've stopped the action from flowing through completely. "Can't we watch something funny instead? At least an action-comedy,"

"But a romance would be perfect!" Yamashiro said, adjusting herself on the floor as she leaned against the coffee table. "You and Hideyoshi can cuddle and be cute and make out!"

With a smile, I nodded. "I'm with Yamashiro-san on thi—"

" _Tais-toi!_ An action-comedy, please!"

"I agree," muttered Norio from my left, sitting on the single couch, where Sumie was sitting earlier. "Nothing romantic..."

For some reason, seeing the blonde had my mind wandering off about Miri again. I headed for the boy's room to pull out the bentos I had packed for the both of us; not only was she dehydrated, but the only thing that she ate was the pastry I had gotten for her — it simply wasn't enough.

At first, she was hesitant to eat and refused, but I convinced her by explaining to her all that medical info-dump I'd once read online. I wouldn't _entirely_ say that the information I gave her convinced her — it was more because of _me_ telling her to.

_No, I'm not flattering myself with that. She said so herself!_

It was good, seeing her eat something after the long night that we had. I was somewhat proud of myself.

"Hey, what made you join the festival committee?"

I scoffed. "Kaneki skipped on uni for a while, so it got pretty lonely without him. It was a good distraction for me and it kept me moving when I was standing still. Even though I socialized a lot and had a lot of friends, for me, Kaneki was my best and not having your best friend still felt lonely in a crowd...

"Hmmm..."

"It's all right, _mon chou._ I'm listening."

Jin and the rest were too busy picking out a movie to listen to our conversation; Norio, however, was on his phone, watching videos. Sumie returned to us and sat down on the couch to our left without a word, without meeting my eyes for even a split second.

"Do you think that was a pathetic move?"

" _Quoi?!"_

"Y'know, would that be a pathetic or desperate thing to do? I mean, he was only out for a couple of days..."

"...You really are stupid."

"What the?!"

"It's not desperate or pathetic at all, _arée!_ It's normal for human beings to want some company...being lonely, or rather, loneliness itself, sucks. So, of course not! I don't think it was desperate. It's what anyone would, or _should_ do when they're feeling lonely. It's important to reach out, even if you don't feel like it or don't want to, sometimes. _Con_."

I bit my lip as I looked at her; she didn't look at me when she spoke, and I wondered if she had to go through it herself, too.

"It's a good thing that I met you, then!"

"I'm glad that I met you too, Nagakchika. Sh, before Haru sees us and forces us to a room."

When I gazed at her once more, my heart leaped to my throat, and I spaced out on her as we sat on the couch together. I watched her speak to Yamashiro and Jin, enjoying the way she talked with her hands and vibrant facial expressions. She looked at me from time to time, and I liked how her smile stretched afterward.

 _Huh...she likes_ me _._

No matter how many times I repeated it to myself, it was still far-fetched and unreal. If I heard it from someone else, I would've thought it was nothing more but a cruel joke. Even if I were to tell Kaneki, he would accuse me of daydreaming.

_...How strange._


	27. ⦋ Loyal ⦌

— _edited **2018**_

 ** _word count_** — _4344_

♫

It took me a moment, but I had finally put two and two together. Why it took me so long must've been because I was incredibly distracted by my surroundings, not to mention the interferences made by everyone else.

_"I'm just scared of getting my heart broken again. I don't want only sex anymore."_

The first night we hung out was the first time she had already come clean about her past; I understood before, but I understood better now.

_Why didn't I_ hear _it back then? Did I not bother taking a second look?_

_Did it trouble me to the point of where I chose to ignore it unconsciously?_

_How stupid of me._

The night was getting darker and darker, but the mood in the chalet only grew lighter and lighter. Jin loaded up the chosen film, and everyone settled into their seats to enjoy it; Miri and I on the couch just ahead of the TV, Yamashiro and Jin in front of us, on the ground with their backs leaning on the coffee table, Esashi on Miri's left, and Akagawa on my right. Norio took the singular sofa, and Sumie shared the other long couch on our left with Domoto.

After everything that had happened earlier, there seemed to be an unspoken agreement on not talking to Sumie and ignoring her when given the chance. Yamashiro and Akagawa knew of this rule simply by observing us. It was clear that Yamashiro didn't particularly enjoy Sumie's presence even before the incidents that occurred earlier.

_She must've seen through her from the beginning. That, or Sumie must've done something similar in the past._

While I was aware of all the lies and the secrets, something clicked at the earlier realization. Glancing to my left at the speaking Mirélle, a sensation of comfort filled my lungs. When her eyes met mine, a smile instinctively stretched across my face.

"Are you excited for the movie, too?" she asked, still with a glint of teasing in her gaze.

"Honestly?" I shrugged. "I've already seen this movie..."

She gasped, but let it go. "What are your thoughts on it? Is it as amazing as everyone says it is? Do I really have to focus on it 110%?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Well, you _do_ need to focus on it, but not to the point of where you give yourself a headache. You're pretty smart, so none of it will go over your head."

She grinned slyly, tilting her head. "You think I'm smart?"

"C'mon, you're one of the smartest girls I know!"

_How could she possibly think otherwise?!_

Glancing at Jin, I asked him whether or not he saw the movie as well.

"Just the first half, I'd say," he hummed in thought, caressing his jaw. "This movie is incredibly long and I needed to finish an essay that was due the next day...I was already cutting it really close, too."

"I also—"

"I heard that it won _four_ Oscars!" it was Yamashiro that interrupted Sumie, and I accidentally let out a snort, earning a light punch from Miri. "Best sound mixing, best cinematography, best visual effects, and best sound editing!"

"Woah," Mirélle exclaimed, placing her hand over her mouth. "Am I the only one who hasn't seen it?!"

A resounding "no,", "I haven't,", "yeah, me neither," came from everyone around the room, except for Jin, Yamashiro and I. Esashi and Domoto shared an awkward glance before looking away.

_Yeesh..._

"So are we still watching it?"

Miri's question had everyone turn their heads to me, making my entire face and ears burn. "Why are you looking at me?! Two others here saw it, too!"

"Then I guess we're watching it," said Norio, rolling his eyes.

When I looked at Miri, she was suppressing a grin.

" _What?!"_

"I didn't say anything!" she laughed before changing her tone. Her voice was kept a secret; only between the two of us. "I would've kissed you where it hurt, but it would've led to something else."

"...You mean, my back?" I couldn't control the snicker that followed as the movie began. "You keep telling me not to flirt, and yet you're always flirting with me!"

"...I'm not flirting, I'm just letting you know!"

"I didn't _need_ to know that! Now I have all these thoughts in my head..."

Grinning with a hum, she leaned closer. "What kind of thoughts?"

"As if you don't know!"

"Do you want us to leave?" questioned Yamashiro, sitting ahead of us on the floor. Her green eyes bounced between me and Miri as she repeatedly raised her brows. "Want the room to yourselves?"

Before I could say anything, Sumie snapped back. "This is the living room; if they want to be alone, they ca—"

"We were just messing around," we had both clarified.

"And his ears are bright red, because..."

Miri shifted from being so close to me and crossed her legs up on the couch, shaking her head as she folded her arms.

"My bad," she said to me. "I...it feels like I can't control what I say, sometimes."

With another chuckle, I bit my lip. "I mean, I get it! But...remember our agreement earlier?"

Appearing upset, she nodded. "...Mhm."

At that moment, I wanted to wrap my arms around her and say, "Fuck that agreement!"

_But you don't always get what you want._  
  
  


It was an hour and seven minutes into the film, during an intense car chase scene, when Yamashiro stood up and said, "I'm going for a smoke...Mimi, can I borrow Hideyoshi-san for a bit?"

But Miri was too focused on the film to even look at her. "Yeah, yeah — _excusez moi!"_

Confused, I stood up and glanced at the redhead with my brows furrowed; she gestured that I follow her out the balcony.

Sliding the glass door behind me shut, Yamashiro lit up her cigarette as I placed my hands in my pajama pockets, feeling my palms begin to sweat. "What's up?"

" _So,"_ she stressed immediately. "After you left the park earlier, Harada and I began talking..."

"Gee, I wonder what about?" I shrugged sarcastically.

"I know that Mimi said that she and Dela-chan are best friends or whatever," she blew out smoke. "Because they see each other every day, but I know for a fact that Mimi tells _me_ everything."

I shook my head and shrugged again. _What did this have to do with Jin?_

"And?"

" _And,_ Harada and I are not really close, but he talked to me about you and Mimi, which means it's kind of serious."

"Huh," I couldn't help but feel like we were talking about a sensitive subject; feeling somewhat exposed, I crossed my arms. "What did he say?"

"That you were having doubts about her," she crossed her arms as well.

"That was earlier. I'm fine now! We both are!"

She hummed in suspicion. "So, there's nothing that you want to know? About her...dating life?"

"Uh..." I scratched my cheek. "I'm not really sure..."

After all, I had agreed to ask Miri upfront about everything.

"Harada will be out here any minute now," Yamashiro rushed, urgently blowing the smoke out of her mouth again. "While I understand where he's coming from, I know that Mimi can be a locked chest sometimes. Whatever you're dying to know, I'll tell you now."

Still bewildered and somewhat ashamed, I glanced over my shoulder at the sliding doors. My head pounded at the number of questions that crowded my mind, yet I couldn't choose one. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

_I want to ask Miri herself. Even though she kept some things from me...I felt that I could trust her._

_After all, she wasn't the only one with secrets, and it was only this morning when we had both opened up about our 'other hobbies'._

With a slight groan of frustration, Yamashiro continued, completely antsy. "Y'know what — let me just tell you," and before I could stop her, she began. "Mimi had two serious relationships before she met you,"

My mouth was open to protest, but no words came out.

"Her sexual partners? I don't know how many; you'd probably have to ask her. But I know that the first two meant something to her, while the rest...she wasn't really there for. I hope you understand what I mean."

Hesitating, I nodded gently. "Yeah, I get it."

"I wanted to say that she's been serious with four people, but I'm unsure if the love that hasn't been returned, counts..."

"It would count for her, I'd think."

Yamashiro nodded, humming again. "It _did_ change her a lot. I would even say that out of the four, the two that were never returned changed her the most. It punched her heart."

My eyes pricked with a familiar feeling; strange, but familiar. Taking in a deep breath, I knew that I was already regretting the upcoming questions I was going to ask. "Do you know why she keeps...so many secrets? Why telling me something like that was too hard for her?"

_Yamashiro seemed eager. I had to throw her a bone._

"There are some things that will take her time to reveal," she pondered. "Even though she's quite open about a lot of things, there were still a few topics that were a bit too close to home,"

_Like the CCG._

"For example, the two that she'd dated — _she'll_ fill you in on those when the time is right. I'm just here to reassure you and cleanse your doubts." With a grin, Yamashiro shrugged, opting to continue when I only smiled sheepishly. "If you haven't confessed yet, I can give you a few pointers. Mimi likes grand, romantic gestures but she is one to focus on detail the most. So, maybe confess in a big, beautiful way, but include a lot of little things, because those things are the things she would probably rave to me about. Haha!"

"You mean like...a ring? Or a small pendant?"

"No! The little things, Hideyoshi-san. Haven't you done something like that with a girlfriend before?"

My cheeks turned red. "...No, I've never had a girlfriend before."

"A-ah," Yamashiro looked away, sharing my embarrassment briefly. "Well, it's fine! By little things, I mean...oh fuck, this is hard..."

"Did she ever 'rave' about a 'little thing' that someone else did for her before?" I couldn't help but laugh.

She abruptly clapped and pointed to me, her eyes widening. "Ah! Yes! Thank you for the reminder! She _loves_ gentle touches,"

_Mhm, as Sumie mentioned the first night I hung out with them; Miri is pretty physical._

"As in, instead of holding her hand, hold her pinky finger. Push her hair back when you're talking to her, and play with her fingers," even Yamashiro was swooning at that point, but I was beginning to feel as though I had already done those things.

_Does that mean Miri's already thinking of me in the way I want her to?_

 _"Ah!_ Kiss her hand at some point, or her wrists," my mind traveled back to that same night when her lips were flirting with my hand. My blush deepened as I scratched the back of my head, encouraging Yamashiro to keep giving me advice.

It dawned on me how different Yamashiro and Sumie had spoken of Miri's past; while Sumie painted it in such a dim, unappealing light, Yamashiro, more or less, made it seem as though it was a journey that Miri had to go through in order to become who she is now. And not once did Yamashiro use any derogatory words to describe Miri's past, or Miri, for that matter.

_I really appreciate it, too. How did Sumie end up becoming Miri's 'best friend'...?_

"Thank you so much for the advice, Yamashiro-san!" even though I had already confessed to Miri; maybe I can do it again, but properly? "I'll nail it!"

"Anytime, Hideyoshi-san! Do you want to know who were her exes?"

"...I think I should just ask her everything when she's ready," I admitted; the guilt beginning to gnaw at me.

"That's a good decision," a man's voice came from behind me, making me freeze. Slowly turning around, I saw that Jin was gently sliding the door shut.

_He was so quiet..._

_He would need to be, wouldn't he?_

"Harada!" Yamashiro grinned widely, reaching for another cigarette as she stepped on her previous one.

"Yes, Yamashiro?" Jin smiled with a hint of a tease in his voice, pulling out his own lighter and cigarette. "Were you telling Hide everything we talked about earlier?"

_Hide...I didn't even notice that he took on my nickname already._

Flustered, she looked away. "N-no...I'm just giving him a few pointers on how to woo Mimi."

Jin chuckled. "I hope it helped, but it did sound like you were telling him other things, too. I walked in when he was already telling you that he'll find out on his own."

"It's fine Jin," I managed a nervous snicker. "Yamashiro-san didn't really tell me anything that was completely out there."

"Yeah. I mean...I told him how many people she was serious with."

"Really?" Jin sounded firm all of a sudden; his smile disappeared and his brow raised as he bit onto the cigarette filter. I felt even more nervous. "What did you tell him?"

"That Mimi was serious with two people, I swear!"

"Relax," he abruptly laughed, shrugging as he lit up his cig. "I'm not going to hit you."

"Besides," I interrupted, feeling out of place and somewhat jittery. "I asked Miri earlier about her previous relationships...she didn't really tell me anything."

"Well, then...there's your answer," what Jin said sounded so obvious yet so vague. "She's not ready yet. I guess it couldn't be helped that Yamashiro told you, but now you know what to do."

"And what's that?" Yamashiro asked, as though she had read my mind. But quickly, I understood.

"That he'd have to wait, of course. I thought you were smart."

"Oh, shut up. When we both have all the information, I don't see why he'd _have_ to wait."

"Out of respect! It would be better if he heard.."

As they bickered playfully, my thoughts had wandered, allowing their voices to fade into the background.

_If Jin knew of Kaneki's whereabouts...would it be something he would tell Miri?_

_If Miri knew...she'd tell me, wouldn't she?_

I looked up to the cluster of stars in the black sky, feeling alone once again.

_I'm so sick of this..._

Time passed and I wasn't sure how long it had been since I went out of the chalet and joined Yamashiro, but it felt like somewhere between ten to thirty minutes somehow.

"Yo, you guys mind if I go back in?" I questioned, my cheeks beginning to burn faintly. "I wanna see what happened in the movie!"

_I want to be with her right now._

"Didn't you say you already watched it?" Yamashiro asked craftily.

"It's one of the greatest films ever made. I can surely watch it again without getting bored!"

"Yeah, let's head back inside," said Jin, throwing away what I assumed to be his third cigarette. "It's getting colder."

As we ambled back into the cabin, Jin ahead of the two of us, Yamashiro whispered to me, "We're rooting for the two of you!"

Mirélle was laying down where Esashi previously sat, her feet on Akagawa's lap, who held her gently. Thinking nothing of it and looking to the TV screen, the movie indicated that we had been gone for approximately twelve to thirteen minutes.

_Why did it feel so long?_

"Hey," I murmured as I approached her. "Getting sleepy? Where'd Esashi and Domoto go?"

She smiled and sat up, allowing me to take Esashi's place. Akagawa shifted his position to a more comfortable pose. "I think they went to one of the rooms to sort out their issues; um, my body is tired but my mind is running a marathon. The movie is..."

"So good! Right? What happened? What did I miss?"

Forty-two minutes before the movie had ended I looked to my right at Miri, who hung her head and breathed evenly, swaying steadily.

How she could have slept through the action scenes blew my mind — she must've been _extremely_ tired. Either that, or she's narcoleptic.

And it was fifteen minutes before the film's conclusion when her head landed on my shoulder lightly. Instinctively, I sat up a bit straighter and leaned more to her side, not wanting her to wake up. I glanced over at Akagawa, who smiled and raised his brows.

"I can carry her away if you'd like," he said in a way that suggested he already knew my answer. His voice attracted Norio's gaze, which lowered in distaste.

"It's fine," I replied routinely, not knowing whether or not I could carry her as I examined his arms. "I'll wake her up when the movie's over."

_She's so cute. Can I just..._

Reaching for her hand, I entwined my fingers between hers; she didn't shift, but somehow, her grip around mine tightened gently.

Sumie immediately switched the lights on as soon as the credits began to roll. Looking up at the clock, I saw that it was around two-thirty-seven A.M.

Thoughts of Miri lingered on my mind: how much of a hazard she was to herself and how much she probably puts her friends in worrisome states. The drinking, the smoking, the lack of sleep, the stunt she pulled in the balcony. It was undoubtedly just the beginning of what I was about to experience with her; I didn't know if I was prepared for anything more — not _just yet,_ maybe. There was already so much on my mind...

_I want to be her hope._

Everyone stood up before I did; Jin yawned, promptly turning off the TV before saying 'good night' and heading towards the staircase, into one of the rooms upstairs, even though all his belongings were down here. Akagawa stood up and went straight to the boys' room, of course, not before commenting, "have fun," and winking at me.

I smiled at him and nodded to Norio, who didn't say anything when he left and only pushed back his blonde hair.

"Aww..." Yamashiro droned, coming over and mildly shaking Miri's shoulder. I wanted to stop her, but I only smiled. "Mimi, time to go to bed," her eyes met mine before she continued.

"Hey, Miri- _hime_ ," I whispered, gently squeezing her hand and removing strands of hair from her pretty face. "The movie's finished; Yamashiro-san's here to escort you."

She hummed lightly before awakening, but only halfway. Faintly nodding without any real sense of what was going on, she lifted herself off me and stood up, disoriented.

" _Bonne nuit, mon cœur,"_ she said to me, letting go of my hand but not without wrapping her fingers around mine a bit longer before Yamashiro led her to the room.

"Good night, Hideyoshi-san." The redhead mumbled over her shoulder, holding on to Miri tightly.

I watched as she walked away, mostly talking to myself as warmth filled my chest. "See you in the morning, Mirichan."

Sighing, I forced myself off the couch and roughly kneaded my face, ruffling my hair in the process. I was mildly dizzy as I strolled to the boys' room and pulled out my phone to text Kaneki, noticing Sumie in the kitchen, slowly drinking out of a short glass of clear liquid.

Without a second's notice, she addressed me before I could enter the room. I glanced at her, taking a step in her direction. Her cheeks were flushed and her pupils dilated.

"Do you need my help?" standing in front of the girls' door that was already slightly open, I pushed it open further, hoping for something that I was unsure of. "You're drunk."

"No," she shook her head, looking up at me. "I'm not drunk...maybe a bit tipsy, but..."

Moving away from the door, I faced her and crossed my arms.

"I really am sorry...about earlier."

"Sorry?" I forced a smile to my features, trying not to make it obvious that I had my teeth gritted. "I think you're apologizing to the wrong person."

"I hurt you earlier and I cursed at you,"

"Shouldn't you be apologizing to Miri? Your best friend?"

_Just keep smiling._

Her features fell, as though she didn't understand what I meant. "Why?"

Along with her, my expression changed too. "For all the things you said about her, for instance. For playing a private voice note in front of everyone. For forcing her to remove the shirt around her neck even when she seemed uncomfortable. Should I go on?"

"Nagachika...are you mad about that?"

I almost laughed at her stupid question. "What do _you_ think?"

"I had every right to warn you," her glass was now empty as she slammed it onto the counter. "But you're still going after her. At least now you know the kind of person that she is!"

"And what kind of person is that?"

Her expression was expectant like she wanted _me_ to say it. As if! "Cheap? Easy? I don't know — a slut?"

Shaking my head and clenching my fist around my phone, I let out a shaky breath. "Sumie, she's...someone I like. And she likes me, too."

"I would imagine that it would become even _clearer_ to you, that you'd finally wake up after she tried getting you in bed with her all night a—"

"You gave her the alcohol, didn't you?" something inside me burned. "Before we left? And you dressed her in that...thing. You knew something..."

"But it just brought out the _real_ he—"

"No! You know what? I don't give a fuck, dude. I like her — a _lot!_ And if you were really her friend, you'd be happy for her!"

" _Why_ should I be happy for her? She gets _everything!"_

I sighed again, looking at my phone and noticing my hands all sweaty, my arms slightly shaking. Ten minutes until it became three.

_Come on...where are you?_

"You know she got surgery on her eyelids?" she all but screamed, stumbling towards me steadily. "And she got her jaw shaved, too. She's not all natural!"

"How many times should I say that I don't care? We like each other! Why do you have to be such a bitch about it?"

"Because she's just going to sleep with you! Don't you see that? She doesn't have... _feelings_ for you! But _I_ _like_ _you!_ Do I have to...show more skin? Flirt with you in French? Get wasted around you for you to like me back?!"

"No...we already confessed our feelings for each other," I huffed, unable to ignore the pounding of my heart, unable to identify whether I was feeling rage or guilt. My heart sank as her words repeated in my head; _I can't believe she confessed._ "I like Miri. I can't change that."

"But seeing you with her...it pains me. How could you be heartless like that?"

My head was beginning to hurt. "...I don't know what you're asking of me."

_Come on...come on._

"Pick _me._ Knowing her...it won't last, Hide. She's broken the hearts of many others before you. I know her antics very well, trust me!"

"Jin and Yamashiro seem to know her better." I was beginning to doubt myself for a split second, but everything from earlier that night came rushing back to me.

_I may not know Miri as well as Delafose, but I knew better than to believe what she was saying. I knew enough._

"But _do they?_ Do they know her like I do?"

"I'm willing to bet that they do. Look, Delafose...whatever you say won't change how I feel. I'm sorry...but my heart is set on Miri and Miri alone."

_Even I'm surprised by that statement._

She took in a sharp inhale. "D-Delafose...?"

I clenched my teeth. "I can't be friends with you. And as far as it seems, you're not Miri's friend either."

Her cry broke as she covered her face, but she was still stepping towards me. "It's so unfair...she gets _everything..."_

Thankfully, the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs echoed in the tense atmosphere.

_Finally._

Delafose came forward faster and attempted to fall onto me with the excuse of alcohol on her mind, but I stepped out of the way.

"What's going on here?" Jin asked with a smile in his tone.

"Ah, Jin!" I exclaimed, turning around and walking to him swiftly. "Delafose's a bit drunk; do you know how to sober her up?"

_I'll see Miri in the morning and I'll be fine, but should I tell her that her "best friend" was talking shit? What would be the wise thing to do, in such a situation?_

From where I stood, I could see into the girls' room; even though I could be perverted sometimes, I only stole a glance to see where Miri was.

She lay in the same place she did earlier that night, wrapped in thick blankets with her back turned to the door, Yamashiro close behind her. I wondered if she were awake; if she heard our conversation and Delafose's outburst, but had no way of telling. It sucked that she had to call someone like Delafose Sumie her best friend.

_She didn't deserve it._

_If someone were talking shit about Kaneki...would I tell him? Or keep it from him to spare his feelings?_

_...I already knew the answer to that._

"I know a trick or two," Jin let out a sigh, approaching Delafose. "Come with me, Sumie."

As Jin placed his arms around her and turned her towards the bathroom, she looked at me over her shoulder. "You and Mirélle are not official. I deserve an answer!"

"Give it a rest," exhaled Jin, turning on the bathroom lights before leading her inside and turning to look at me. "Mind preparing a glass of cold water, Hide?"

Shaking my head, I immediately did as I was asked, a weight lifting off my chest.

"Ah, Hide," he continued, grabbing my attention. "I got your text."

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, no kidding."


	28. ｛ Doubt ｝

— _**2017**_

 ** _word count_** — _4309_

_**[Mirélle]** _

❀

It was too dark for me to read: the only option I had was to listen off my phone.

I lay on my side with the dimly lit device in my hands, breathing evenly as the cold breeze from the dark evening whirled into the room faintly. An odd sensation had my heart thumping heavily — or was it my addiction to nicotine that called out to me?

It was difficult for me to focus on the work of fiction I was listening to, even after repeating the last ten seconds almost five times; I had already been putting it off for the past three weeks.

_Merde, this won't do...do I really need a cigarette that bad, or was it the strange visions that jolted me to consciousness?_

Nights like these terrified me to a certain degree; not being able to fall asleep due to dazed thoughts tumbling around each other in my head. Matters were more complex after I had heard Sumie arguing with someone outside the room. She was known to be somewhat aggressive, but her tone sounded more sorrowful and hurt, instead of dry, blind rage. Even though the door was slightly open, I still couldn't hear what was being said. At any rate, I was already in and out of dreamland, hearing things that may have been fabricated by riddled fantasies of my own making.

The person she spoke to replied in hushed tones at times; I could only wonder: _Who's she opening up to at this hour?_

_The voice sounded sweetly familiar, but it could have only been my delusions. I wanted him around me too profoundly that he appeared in my dreams..._

_I wish I was still asleep._

It was an image of a motion blur in my head: all I was able to remember was Hide's gentle hold on my hand and the next minute, I was on the mattress, covered in clouds of blankets and Haru's arm. I recalled falling asleep, _of course,_ but then I was suddenly awake, attempting to fall back as I kept my eyes shut and _thought_ of sleep.

Yet the action continued on for what felt like minutes, resulting in me giving up and continuing the movie on my phone. Tears fell down my face at the resolution, wetting my pillow and hairline.

_I wish I finished this movie with Hide. How romantic it would have been from how unexpectedly romantic this movie is._

In addition to the list of things that had kept me awake, the anxious voices of those that called earlier replayed in my head continually, allowing a hefty weight to press down onto my chest. While understandable, it was unnecessary for them to leave me messages of how distraught they were by my abrupt absence.

 _T_ _hey must be guilt-tripping me...why else would they be going crazy this way? It's not as if I'm home every day of the week. It's not as if I was constantly in touch with them._

_If there were another Ghoul attack, I would be informed._

**𝚄𝚌𝚑𝚒◌𝙼:  
** 𝙺𝚊𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚛, 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚋𝚕𝚎. 

𝙸'𝚖 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚙𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚊 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚎. 𝙸 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝙸 𝚍𝚒𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚞 𝚎́ 𝙶𝚊𝚗𝚊𝚑𝚊 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢 𝚝𝚘𝚘 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑. 

𝚙𝚕𝚣 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚎𝚊 𝚒𝚏 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜. 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚖 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚍𝚘𝚠𝚗. 𝚞 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚢. 𝚠𝚠

𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚒𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝'𝚜 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚞.

𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚞 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐.

𝚝𝚔𝚝. 𝚋𝚒𝚣

Tzuching's message was the worst of the bellyaching that I had received overnight; it only made me grow more stressed.

**𝙶𝚞𝚊𝚗-𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚒:**

𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐨𝐧 𝐌𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐲. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐫.

**𝚄𝚌𝚑𝚒◌𝙼:**

𝚢𝚎𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚒. 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗. 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚒𝚝!

As a tremble convulsed my entire being, my fidgeting state only increased as time continued; stopping the audiobook and locking my phone, I sat up and looked at the girls on my right. Haru appeared to be sound asleep, while Sumie was staring up at the phone in her hands.

_Hana's spending the night with Domoto-san, I suppose..._

"Sumichan?" I mumbled.

"Ah, you're awake," she sighed with a fake smile, not looking at me.

_Didn't she know I was awake? We made eye contact when I sat up..._

"I tried to sleep but I couldn't," my voice was hoarse like I had actually just woken up. " _I mean_ I was asleep for a bit, but then I woke up about an hour ago." When she didn't respond, I rubbed my eyes and took a second look. " _How are you?"_

Exhaling again, she put her phone down and glanced up at me. " _Toi?"_

" _Bien,_ I feel a lot better than earlier."

"That's great to hear...hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sounds urgent," sounded suspicious. " _What are you thinking about, my dear?"_

"It's about...Nagachika."

My smile had widened as images of him came to mind. "Hmmm? Hide?"

"Yes," she responded curtly, lowering her eyelids as if I had become utterly insufferable. "Can you be serious for one second?"

Taken aback by her demeanor, my smile faded and my brows furrowed slightly. "Who said I wasn't being serious?"

While her hostility triggered my defenses, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt; it was a curious timeline, the beginning of her abrupt and chasmic aggression, nevertheless, I deeply desired nothing more than to make sense of it and help her through whatever she may be facing.

She rolled her eyes for a reason I wasn't able to pinpoint; was it really _me?_

"Mirélle, are you sure about this _thing_ between you and Nagachika?" her voice was strained and her expression vacant, as though she were exhausted from bringing up the same subject.

"...What thing? Did he say anything to you?" reaching up, I made sure that the shirt was still secure around my neck, despite the fact that it was evident at that point in the night that everyone knew what we were both hiding.

"He didn't say anything," her belligerence returned, though she masked it with a casual shrug. "But you're treating him the way you would treat a one-night stand. Are you sure and serious about him, or do you just want to sleep with him?"

_She's only looking out for me._

_Right?_

"Sumie...I truly don't know where you got that idea from, because I'm not treating him the way I would treat a one-night stand," her eyes met mine once more, curious yet questionable. "If I were, he wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be calling or texting him as much as I have."

"How is that any different?"

" _Come on_ , you already mentioned it earlier," I squinted my eyes at her, recalling her hurtful words. I was drunk, but it affected me tremendously; it pushed through the fog of intoxication. "You already know my pattern, don't you? If I'm going to sleep with someone, then I sleep with them. I don't drag it along...I never did."

"So you liked him from the start?" she sat up as well, astonishment lacing her bitter tone and features. "What was all that talk in the jeep about, then?"

"Well, thank yourself and Jin for that."

She clenched her jaw. "Huh?"

" _Bah oui._ That night..." I let out a sigh. "That was the night that I met him, that was the night that I was going to sleep with him. But thanks to you and Jin and...further meetings and conversations with Hide, things changed.

"I wouldn't give you two all the credit, though. Hide did most of it himself. Besides, I already told you before you left that I like him and that my final decision is that I'm _not_ going to sleep with him."

 _Well, not_ now, _anyway._

My body quivered at the thought as the room felt much hotter afterward; the oxygen provided felt like it wasn't enough to keep my breathing constant.

_I need a cigarette._

"Fine," Sumie continued severely. "You like him, that's fine. But if that were true, then what happened between you two tonight?"

My mouth had already hung open before her words echoed back to me. "What happened tonight is only between him and me. Please stop pushing it, Sumichan."

It wasn't often that I was as straightforward and blunt with Sumie regarding situations that I would rather keep to myself; most of the time, I was an open book and exposed my secrets with some hesitation. Nevertheless, a part of me had hoped that she would be understanding about this — _just this one thing._

"Tell me in the simplest way," she insisted once more, still looking me in the eye. "That's all I ask."

My heart sank at her willful ignorance. " _Pourquoi? Why_ is it so important to you?"

"He didn't tell me anything," she repeated, and I was more perturbed. "I don't want you to make any more mistakes than you already have. I'm just looking out for you,"

_That's right...I just reminded myself that._

"Because to be honest, it looks like you just want to sleep with him, even though you said you were acting differently. I wasn't a witness to the night's events. You were drunk when he was here when you were alone together, and I can't tell in what direction the entire thing is goi—"

"Why does it matter to you?" I couldn't take it anymore. I loved Sumie, but the entirety of the conversation felt unsettling, antagonistic. The consciousness of being cheated washed over me as her expression shifted anew, making me feel restless. "Hide and I talked about it _all_ and we've already agreed to...we had an agreement about _us_. That's all."

Haru began to stir in between us, worrying me about our late chat.

"If that's true and nothing happened, then what about your necks? Why are you two hiding—"

"You can't blame me for having a high libido," I scowled, my voice raising along with my temperature, unintentionally. "I have questions too, _t'sais,_ like why were you acting the way you were earlier? Why did you ask about...Jin? Why did you play my drunk voice notes out loud? That really hurt me, you know! Why wou—"

" _Yah!_ Delachan!"Haru unexpectedly shot up, glaring at Sumie then turning to me. "Mimi! I'm trying to sleep here! Argue outside _please!"_

Blinking, I looked at Haru before glancing at Sumie again. "Forget it...go back to sleep, Haru. I'm going for a smoke."

My body felt weak and heavy; the thought of simply lifting a finger stressed me out, but I knew I couldn't be there anymore, not in the same room with her, not at that moment. Out of the blue, a stinging sensation ached my nose, and my eyes began to water.

"Mir—"

" _T'sais,_ sometimes...I don't understand you," even hearing her voice had me gritting my teeth in anguish and bewilderment. Standing up, I sauntered towards my backpack near the door and pulled out my packet of cigarettes and a pack of gum before placing my hand over the doorknob. "I'll talk to you later."

Her voice, traces of words she couldn't find, faded as I left the room and turned around to close the door. The last thing I saw was her brown eyes staring up at me, whether in anger, sadness, or pain, I couldn't tell.

Sighing, I gently held the knob until I heard the soft click, allowing my confounding emotions to pour out of my eyes.

"Ah—" I had already taken a step towards the balcony before I realized that Hide was sitting on one of the barstools along the counter to my right. Quickly, I pushed both cartons into my pocket and wiped my eyes.

 _What a strange sense of déjà vu. Weren't we here mere hours ago, trying_ _to keep_ _our feelings to ourselves and trying to keep our hands off each other?_

A wave of heat flushed my cheeks. His face was illuminated by nothing but the bright screen in front of him; his gaze was glued to the phone he held before it met mine.

"Ah, Miri? " he smiled, brown eyes wide in wonder. "Hey."

"Stop flirting with me," it was a reflex. It was all that I could think of; all that had come out of my mouth. His chuckle melted my insides; Hide was funny, and knowing that I was able to make him laugh really stroked my ego.

"All I said was 'hey'!" he continued to grin as he locked his phone and placed it face-down onto the counter. "Besides, you pull it out of me! It would be nearly impossible not to flirt with you."

"You're going to have to find a way, then!"

_Putain._

"Did you not go to sleep, Hide?"

He shrugged, revolving his chair to my direction. "I did. I was asleep for about...thirty or forty minutes, I think? Give or take, of course."

"And you didn't try harder?" feeling hopeful, I redirected my footsteps and walked towards him; his eyes rose to my every approaching footfall. 

"Of course I did! Nothing was coming to me, so I gave up."

"I know what you mean..." sighing, I leaned with my back against the counter, connecting my fingers. "So weird, huh? That we meet again like this. Alone."

"Maybe it's fate," his infatuating smile never faded. "The universe is telling us that we need to be together."

Even though a giggle had come through, I knew that I had no choice but to do a bit of damage control. "Hide,"

"I know, I know! Stop flirting," he placed his elbows back onto the counter, however, still gazing at me. "So you couldn't sleep either?"

"Maybe I could, maybe I couldn't," I shrugged. "Who's to say what happened, if I slept or not? Who's to say what's real? Am I even telling the truth?"

"Ah, I see the movie really got to you."

"My whole life is just a subversion of reality," I grinned, rolling my shoulders.

"You don't say!"

I was oblivious to whether he was making a joke or another analysis, and this was his furtive way of revealing to me that he knew more than he let on. 

_"Like your close friend?"_

_Somehow, he must have found out._

Even though he showed the more light-hearted and simple side to him, it wasn't difficult to pinpoint the certainty behind his eyes; how analytical he truly was, and how his mind was on an endless chase of thoughts unknown.

_If he were remotely normal, he wouldn't have been so accepting of the fact that I looked up his information and pinged his phone. Whether he took it as a joke or not...he would have expressed some sort of apathy when he found out._

_But he didn't. In fact, he came forward with his own secret._

_"I follow people."_

Deciding to take his words at face value, I forced my smile to widen. "As if yours isn't!"

He frowned and looked away. "What's with that face? You want a lecture?"

"What face?"

"You already know."

He didn't bother pretending when I was pretending anymore. Despite him sitting near me, he somehow felt far away. The need to hold on to him crept up my arms, but he was already slipping through my fingers. My brows furrowed as I studied his features, attempting to understand what went on in his pretty strawberry-blond head.

"Ah, go easy on me, _idiot._ It's already hard to keep a straight face when I'm with you," I tapped his shoulder, hoping that he'd forgotten about my unwilling grin. "What's on your mind? You're a million miles away."

"Funny, I've thought the same thing about you!"

" _Hein?_ I never look like that."

"You do! A lot, actually."

I pressed my lips together. " _Sorry._ I never meant to be distant."

"Idiot," he snickered, pinching my arm gently. "It's fine, I get it! There's just... _a lot_ on my mind."

_If he knew about what my past truly was...would he still be the same with me? Would he still see me the same way as he did now? Or would I be just another girl?_

_Just another girl that was a bit too easy?_

Internally wincing, I mildly shook my head, wishing the thoughts away. " _Et?_ Did you find any answers?"

A memory of a blushing Hide emerged to the surface, causing me to press my lips together at its impact. Tears welled up on my lower lashline, threatening to pour out.

_"You're so beautiful, Miri."_

It seemed as though his worries exited his body when he let out a long exhale. When our eyes met, a familiar feeling took over me. There was always something identifiable in his gaze; I could never tell what, but there was a constant sense of intimacy.

_If it were indeed Sumie talking to him earlier, what did they talk about? Was their topic of conversation the object that stood between him and his sleep?_

"Not asking myself anything right now. Do you usually do that?"

"A-ah, you got me."

"Is that why you're awake?"

"No I—" the packet of cigarettes in my pocket suddenly felt heavy. "I wanted some fresh air."

Without realizing it, I sniffled gently.

"Miri?! Are you...?" Hide stood up without warning, towering over me; my cheeks blossomed in warmth. We were approximately similar in height, but I somehow felt a lot smaller. The only other time it felt that way was during the festival, when I had hoped that he liked my performance. "Did you catch a cold?"

"No, I had an argument with Sumichan so it felt a bit suffocating in the room. I guess I got a bit too emotional..."

"Hm? What happened?"

"I don't know _._ She's so weird lately."

"Did she tell you anything?"

His question made me wonder if he knew something that I didn't. "She just asked me some stupid things...about us, mainly."

" _Us?_ " his eyes widened briefly. "Like...you and me, us?"

"You sound so surprised!"

"No, no, just...there's not much to tell, right? We're friends...or something."

Giggling, I pushed him. "That's one way to put it."

"So what did you tell her?" he stepped towards me once again.

"Exactly what you said: that we're just friends. Or something. That we reached some kind of agreement. But she pressed on and asked about...well, you know."

He scoffed, shrugging. "Whatever, huh? Who gives a fuck?"

Unexpectedly, Hide reached for the fabric around my neck and in one swift motion, smoothly removed it, exposing my skin to the cool breeze of the cabin. His eyelids lowered as he smiled charmingly, removing the shirt around his neck as well. Glancing at him, I examined the lovebites that I had caused, wondering what it must have felt like to kiss him.

_Drunk me is so lucky..._

When I looked at his face again, my heart thundered within me, shaping my continued turmoil and curiosity. The redness of my cheeks must have elevated and I couldn't distinguish the motive.

_Fuck. Too handsome, Hideyoshi!_

Biting my bottom lip, I stood up straight and turned away. I succeeded in sidestepping out from under his gaze and proceeded to grab my necklace, nervously dragging the pendant from side to side.

"What's wrong?"

My hand found its way to my chest, where it felt like my heart was going to explode from how hard it was beating and how the lack of air was practically smothering me. Was it the nicotine craving, or was it something else?

_Why am I so nervous all of a sudden? There had been so many close calls between us...what made this encounter any different? We weren't even at kissing distance. There's nothing to dwell over..._

"Sorry! Did I do something out of line? Do you want the shirt back?"

Inhaling slowly, I turned to look at him again. His presence jolted something within me as I shook my head, another exhale emptying my chest. "Ah, no, it's all right. The sun's rising soon...are you up for an adventure?"

"Adventure?!"

"To the market, Nagakchika," I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction. 

_Fuck, so handsome._

"You had me going there for a second," he scratched the back of his head before pushing his hair back. My knees almost buckled at the sight. "But sure! I'll get a jacket. Looks pretty cold out."

The declaration caught me off guard and took a second for me to process. "A jacket?" it appeared as though he didn't know why my eyes had widened, or why I was stunned at his claim. "Don't you think we could've used a jacket earlier...?" gesturing to my neck, he had finally caught my drift.

"Oh, of course! I was just thinking of taking one of Jin's or Norio's..." his laugh was sheepish, causing him to shrug timidly. "There's one in the Jeep too, right? The one I had with me earlier."

"Ah! Yes, thanks for reminding me. I'll grab that one and wait for you outside? "

He hurried into the room after a swift nod, his smile reaching ear to ear. I wanted to thank him for how considerate he had been throughout the entire trip; how sweet he had been and how much I appreciated him taking the time to take care of me. But I knew I wouldn't have been able to say it without touching him or looking at him the wrong way, and I could already hear his voice in my head, mocking me,

_"I thought you said no flirting!"_

Tucking my hair behind my ears, I strode to the front door and put on my shoes, pulling out my packet with relatively shaky hands as the cold of the outside snaked around my bare legs. The pajama sleeves will have to do for now.

_This better relax me._

Standing at the bottom of the staircase, I glanced up. Instead of being pitch black, the sky had turned into a soft shade of navy, dotted with stars as the faint moonlight illuminated the emotions that rose to the surface of my skin. Thoughts of spending more time with him crowded my mind as I inhaled from the cigarette deeply, feeling slightly light-headed and jittery.

Perhaps now was finally the time to open up about the past that I was intensely ashamed of. Or we could converse of simpler matters, such as our interests in being amateur stalkers — or detectives, he'd say. Or his best friend, or even my own.

_Hide would laugh at the ridiculousness of Haru and I, before countering my stories with another, even more ridiculous story of him and Kaneki._

_...Haru?_

_Sumie was my best friend, yet...Haru was the first to come to mind._

The thought had me chewing my lips.

_Now that I recall...Haru and I were extremely close during high school, during my toughest years. It seemed like we had fallen out after I had started university, even though we were attending the same uni._

_Laisser tomber...where's Hide?_

Haru was a million times more supportive of Hide and me being together, compared to Sumie. Even Jin seemed to push us towards each other; a motive unclear and blurred behind what we had.

Still...there was an overpowering fear inside me. The more I wanted to spend time with Hide, the more I realized how afraid I was to do so — how afraid I was to open up to him, to cave in and break; leave myself so open and vulnerable. What if I'd be making a mistake?

The fear reminded me of how I couldn't tolerate myself, of how many of those around me couldn't tolerate me; even my closest friend, Sumie — how could I ever expect someone like Hide to tolerate me? How could I ever expect him to keep up with me, to put up with my shitty mood swings, to handle me at my worst?

_I can't even handle myself when I'm at my lowest. How could I put Hide through that torment?_

His voice echoed in my head with something he had said earlier; when we were completely alone in the chalet. 

_"I was already with you when you first started! So just open the door, yeah? What are you going to do about your hair? You know it's really long!"_

The recollection heaved forward the memory of my elbows on top of the toilet seat, feeling nauseated and in zero control of my movements. Gentle hands held my long hair before beginning to rub the space between my shoulder blades, tenderly caressing down my backbone and massaging my shoulders. It was a situation that I never wanted to repeat, but the sensation of comfort, the knowledge of being in good, caring hands made me want to go back.

_How could I even think it was Sumie? She never held my hair back, let alone give me comforting massages._

He was completely willing to hold my hair as I puked my guts out. He came back to the cabin on his own accord, choosing to take care of me.

Before Hide, it was just as though I didn't have the strength or the power to feel this way about anyone. Although now...I felt reborn; there was life in me that I had forgotten about years ago.

Warmth flooded through my body as speculations of him became vivid behind my eyes. My fingers were beginning to feel somewhat numb, as were my legs and nose, but I couldn't care less about it. Inhaling deeply once more, the cigarette had finally devoured itself. I reached for the gum in my pocket.

"Hey, Miri-senpai!" the wind carried his voice to me, and I found myself smiling, holding back an immense amount of laughter and a little bit of a squeal. 

_I loved it when he teased me._

Turning on my heel, my eyes met with his, and everything fell into place.

_Nagachika Hideyoshi...what are you doing to me?_


	29. ⦋ Night Changes ⦌

— _**2020**_

 ** _word count_** — _3054_

♫

_"Kaneki, would you date two girls at once?"_

_"...I think it depends."_

_"Hah? Depends? On what exactly?"_

_"On which one I like more, of course. If I liked one of them more than the other, I would date her. If I felt neutral about both girls that are interested in me, I wouldn't mind dating them both."_

_"Uwahahaha! You have such wild dreams sometimes, Kaneki. It's from those books you always read, huh?"_

_"Why are you even asking, Hide? Are there two girls after you?"_

_"Yeah, right! You think I'd be sitting here talking to you if there were?"_

**𝙷𝚒𝚍𝚎:**  
𝙺𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚔𝚒, 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚍. 

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝟸 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜 𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚍. 

𝚒 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖. 𝚒 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛...𝚜𝚘𝚘𝚘 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑!! 𝚒 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚔𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚒 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑, 𝚖𝚊𝚗!

𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕 𝚒 𝚝𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚞 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝? 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚋𝚜? 

𝚢𝚎𝚊. 𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚊 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚜. 

𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚢. 

𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚏 𝙳𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚏𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚂𝚞𝚖𝚒𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚛 𝚗𝚘𝚝. 

𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝙼𝚒𝚛𝚒 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍. 

_I'm not that kind of guy, I guess._

A headache was materializing from the commotion of thoughts that made it feel like I couldn't hear myself; after multiple failed attempts at dozing off, I reached for my phone and decided to look up tips and tricks on:

**HOW TO IMPRESS THE GIRL YOU LIKE**

It wasn't long before I left the room and sat with my elbows up on the kitchen counter, reading through article after article, watching psychology video after psychology video. What stuck with me were the voices of Yamashiro and Delafose, explaining and pointing out things that Miri liked. 

_** 25 GUARANTEED WAYS TO MAKE HER FALL FOR YOU! →** _

**_12 ways to make her head-over-heels for you →_**

** _14 little things you can do to make your girlfriend feel special_ _→_ **

**_10 signs you're falling in love_** **_ → _ **

**_ How to have a healthy relationship _ ** **_ → _ ** **_  
_ **

**_ Best places to travel to with your significant other _ ** **_ → _ ** ****

**_ HOW TO ROCK HER WORLD (IN BED!!!) _ ** **_ → _ ** **** **_  
_**

_Man...it feels like I'm thinking too far ahead._

 _**23 Best Hangover Foods**_ **_ → _ **

I wore my shoes and walked out the front door, finding her already standing at the bottom of the staircase as she put something into the pocket of her shorts. The moon poured a pale blue mist over the driveway, giving me a fleeting feeling of nostalgia. One look at the sky made me realize that sunrise was soon.

"Hey, Miri-senpai!" I greeted as I walked down the steps. Her long brown hair flipped as she turned to face me with a pretty smile. "Where's the jacket?" my eyes went down to the large patterns on her neck; somehow, they appeared to be more prominent. "Aren't you cold?"

"Oh, right," shaking her head, she face-palmed before hurriedly running towards Jin's unlocked Jeep in the garage, retrieving the windbreaker.

Immediately wearing it, she put the items that were in the pockets of her pajamas into the jackets' pockets. Biting the insides of my lip, I grew anxious, choosing between placing an arm around her shoulder or around her waist. However, I eventually discarded the thought and shoved them into my own pockets instead.

"Thank you, Hide-kun!" in her voice was a tease — as usual.

"Oi, I'm not that much younger than you, all right?" I nudged her gently as a laugh gave away how I really felt. "It's just one year."

"A _whole_ year. Don't you think it's cute?"

_It was, but just a little bit._ "No. I'm not a kid. It's infantilizing..."

She hummed, turning to the right and beginning to walk towards the small cluster of trees and shrubbery gathering at the side of the cabin. "OK, Hide-senpai."

My face suddenly felt hot. "Oi, you didn't have to go that far."

"What's this, 'oi-oi'? I'm your senpai. Show some respect, Nagakchika." Her eyes met mine expectantly as she stopped walking and pulled a poker face. 

With a sigh, I bowed a full ninety degrees to humor her. "Yes, Miri-senpai. Sorry, Miri-senpai."

"Ah! Good boy!"

Rolling my eyes, a grin immediately took place of my frown as she turned away again. Contentment had my heart floating as I followed her, watching her hair sway in the wind. The shadows around us accentuated the thick muscles of her legs and calves, and unknowingly, I whistled in admiration.

"Yeah?" she peeked back at me from over her shoulder, still strolling forward.

"Nothing! There are a lot more trees here than I originally thought there would be." My gaze went up before they went down again.

She giggled wittingly, like she knew better. "I can feel your eyes on me."

Mentally reprimanding myself, I shook my head. "Sorry!"

_How?! Is it that obvious that I was checking her out or does she have the senses of a cat or something?_

_And here I thought I was the most perceptive person I knew..._

The area where she ambled to consisted of a large, open cage-like box, and within it were three parked bicycles with big baskets attached to their fronts. "Whose jacket is that, by the way?"

"Jin's was too big for me and Norio's was too long..." I sighed, glancing down at the black cotton fabric. "So I took Domoto's." 

"At least it zips all the way up to your chin. You look dapper!"

"You look good too," with a chuckle, I stood aside and watched her pull out one of the bikes before she glanced at me curiously.

" _Allez._ "

"Is...is this for us? Is this allowed?" I raised my brows in confusion.

She nodded, slightly shivering from the cold breeze that picked up randomly. "Yeah. We paid for the bikes, too."

"Ah, Miri!"

"Don't worry about it! It was all added to the total. Everything is taken care of, I promise."

I clenched my teeth, shaking my head as I walked towards her and zipped up the jacket she wore all the way to the bottom of her chin. Still studying me, she pressed her lips together.

"I was going to..." her voice sounded small, almost inaudible.

"It's fine! Plus, that's not what I meant about the bikes, y'know?" 

"Ah...pay me back by having a good time, _d'accord?"_

"No, I have to pay you back at so—"

" _D'accord?_ I'm asking you to."

With such a stern (yet somehow, adorable) gaze, I knew I couldn't say anything else. "Fine. You win, for now, Mirichan." Her head snapped at me at the honorific. "That doesn't count! You said so yourself!"

With a sigh, she closed her eyes and groaned impatiently. " _N'importe quoi."_

"If I can't say that, then you can't call me 'sweetie' either!" taking one of the bikes out, we soon headed towards the road together, walking with our tandems by our sides.

"OK! Challenge accepted!"

"...So you won't call me sweetie?"

" _Non!"_

"Yah...Miri..." I whined, stomping my feet like a kid throwing a tantrum.

" _Chut,_ Nagakchika." She laughed heartily, albeit surveying me with a brow raised. "You're so weird."

"I'm so weird...?" my eyes widened as I looked at her, urging her to continue the sentence in probably the most irritating way I could. "And...?"

Huffing in annoyance, she groaned loudly once more. "You're so weird... _mon chou."_

"Haha!"

After passing the threshold while bickering loudly back and forth, I sat on my bicycle and prepared myself for the ride. "How far is this place anyway?" 

She sat on her bike as well, giving me a frisky smirk. "Why? Afraid I'll eat you, _mon choupinou?"_

♫

The store was actually a lot farther than I expected it to be; a couple of miles ahead and a turn from the cabin, to be as exact as I could. We rode gradually, spending time talking about different things as dusk steadily turned to dawn.

"Oh, I wanted to ask this before," I raised my voice against the cool midnight wind. I wasn't particularly bothered or fazed by it; Miri, however, was slouching over her arms and keeping her elbows close to each other. It made her pedal a lot slower, and I had to go slower as well. Still, we managed to hold a conversation. "We were talking about something and I had this in mind, but I don't remember how I forgot."

She giggled cutely, straightening her back as she glanced at me. "What did you forget to ask me?"

"Right!" I exclaimed as the dialogue came back to me. "We're a year apart, but how many months, huh? When is your birthday? If it's at the end of the year, we're practically the same age,Miri- _senpai!"_

" _Arée!_ I'm pretty sure I'm older than you by a year and a couple of months, Hide- _kun._ My birthday's two months before summer vacation. See? Almost the middle of the year! And when is yours, _gosse?"_

Laughing, I directed my bike closer to hers. "Ha- _ha!_ Mine is also in the middle of the year, smack-dab in the middle!"

Rolling her eyes, she rode slightly near me as well; the gesture made my heart thump. "We're basically a year and a half apart, so I _am_ older than you, _con."_

"What month, then?"

"May. Do the math, _arée!_ I said two months!"

"Whatever! I'm in June, so we're just a month apart! And if you're in the end of May, then we're practically only a _year_ apart, not a year and a few months..."

"Twelfth, so it _is_ a year and five months."

I gasped. "I'm on the tenth!"

"OK, so? I'm still older than you. I will be your senpai forever! Deal with it, Nagakchika-kun!"

The road we traveled went downhill and consisted of yellow streetlights, as well as around three to four apartment complexes on either of our sides. Trees and empty alleyways separated each building from each other, while dormant cars lined the pavements. I would have imagined a few people to be around having their morning exercise, however, it felt like more of a ghost town.

Our destination was coming into view; a little box of a store that appeared dim, with a single bar of light above it flickering continuously. It seemed empty from where we were, which felt somewhat odd, too.

Sighing, I looked at her again. "Do you want to do it the Kamii-Takayū way by celebrating it together?" Miri immediately lifted her leg as she rode towards the entrance; my heart stopped, afraid that the bike might tip over. "Oi, Miri?!"

"Relax! I mean, if you're so insistent, then I don't see why not. But our birthdays don't exactly match up; there's the entirety of May in between..."

The fact that she seemed to be completely calm and collected while standing on one side of the bike amazed me. She barely noticed it when I panicked.

"Are you crazy?!"

" _Arée,_ you don't have to be so rude. Am I wrong, kōhai?"

I imitated her as I shook my head, feeling as if ten years had been reduced from my life span. _Honestly, Kaneki and Miri will be the death of me._

_Not gonna lie though; that was pretty hot._

Placing our cycles in the circular bike rack, I put my hands in my jacket's pockets once again; she did the same.

"No," clenching my fists, the cold had finally set in. "But we can celebrate our birthdays in between, ya know? Like in the last week of May?"

"After mine and before yours?" Miri walked towards the glass door and pushed it open with her elbow, alerting the cashier with a ring of the bell that hung above it. She bowed slightly before greeting him. "Good morning."

"Yeah, what do you think?" tailing her, I bowed as well. "Good morning!"

"Good morning," he was a guy in uniform, appearing to be only a student like Miri and me, with a nametag that read 'YORI'; his dark eyes followed her behind his round glasses, slightly suspicious.

"Are there any special offers?" I said loudly with a grin, watching Miri from the corner of my eye as she skimmed through the pathways.

He nodded, furrowing his brows as he looked me over. "Yes. We have an offer for cigarettes, buy one get one—"

"Ah, no, no! Sorry, I meant for food, just food!" I leaned in closer to him, whispering. "Don't tell her there's an offer for cigarettes!"

Frowning, he pointed towards the aisle that Miri was looking through. "Buy two Taiyaki and get a free bubble tea."

"Ah, that's a bit much though, isn't it? Usually, the bubble tea is the same price as two Taiyaki..."

"Yes, sir. And if you buy two, you won't have to pay for the bubble tea."

"Can we get two Taiyaki and two bubble tea?"

He shook his head. "No, sorry sir. Unless you buy a separate bubble tea, that is the offer. Sir, is she your girlfriend?"

"What? No. Anyway, uh..." I leaned in closer, lowering my voice. "Where can I find a hangover remedy?"

"Sorry, sir. We don't have those."

"Huh?! How come?"

"They're not in high demand in this area..."

"That sounds ridiculous!" groaning, I rubbed my face in exasperation. "Whatever, whatever. It's fine, thank you very much, Yori-san!"

Racing to where I had last seen her before he could ask me anything else, I mentioned the special offer on the pastry item on the shelf that she had apparently been eyeing. 

"Ah...I wish they were freshly made."

"We can heat it and it'll be just as good!"

" _Je suppose._ What flavor of bubble tea do you want?"

"You pick!"

"No, you pick."

"Wah," I slapped my chest exaggeratingly. "You trust me that much already?"

"It's not like there'll be one that tastes horrible."

Heading towards the fridge aisle with Miri following close behind me, I reached for the mint-chocolate flavor, eyeing the fresh slices of watermelon and containers of blueberries. After closing the fridge, I grabbed a bottle of cold water. "Imagine if they made one that's spaghetti flavor."

She winced in disgust. "Ugh...spaghetti flavored bubble tea? With meatball, too?"

"The tapioca at the bottom would be the meatballs!"

"I think you just ruined my appetite." She lead the way towards the cashier, not without stopping by the candy aisle first. "You know what would be worse?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Worse than a drink that's spaghetti flavored with meatballs at the bottom?"

"Sushi flavored with Tobiko," she made a gagging noise. "I love sushi...but that just sounds wrong. And illegal."

"We should pitch it to them," her pupils dilated as she looked at me curiously, and I didn't think I ever saw something so attractive. "Y'know, the bubble tea company."

"So that they'd kick us out, yeah?" she giggled, turning away. "You walk into the office with a box full of home-made spaghetti flavored 'bubble tea', ready to impress them: hi, yes, I would like to pitch a new flavor for your large company,"

"Then the smell hits the CEO, right in the nose from way across the room: what in the world is _that?_ Is that...is that spaghetti? Do you think this is a joke?! Get the fuck out of my office!"

" _Mais bien s_ _ûr_ , you don't leave before you forcefully pass a cup to everyone sitting there."

"Security, security!"

She laughed, nudging me with her elbow. "Hide, we should do stand-up together."

"Stand-up?! Security! These two idiots think they're funny enough to be up here!"

As we glanced at the shelves in search of another snack, I accidentally bumped into her as one of the candy bars grabbed my attention.

" _Ar_ _ée,_ Hide!" but I stood my ground, reaching around her and further right than I needed to as she attempted to push me away with a laugh.

"What? I'm just getting that candy, _you_ move!"

But she knew exactly how to control me. Traces of her wide grin was left behind, tugging at the corners of her mouth as she placed a hand to the back of my neck, her fingers entwining with my hair.

"Move, please?" her voice was controlled, sexy; her gaze locked on me, barely wavering before staring at my mouth.

A swell of heat relentlessly washed over my cheeks as I held my breath, however, her shy nature came through and her smile was back again.

"Gotcha."

_Gotcha?!_

Only a second had passed and she was already separated from me, easily pushing me to the side.

"O-oi, that's cheating! That's not good, Miri! Ah, I feel lightheaded now!" I rubbed my face with my free hand. "Do you _see_ how big this aisle is?! You just aged me 5 years! Ah, really now..."

" _Ouais,_ the aisle is _this big_ but you had to stick to me!" she laughed, helping herself to a few sweets as she glanced at me. " _Allez,_ it wasn't that bad!"

"And yet you're here telling me to stop flirting," I forced my frown to stay in place as I stepped towards her, grabbing her hands and shaking her. "But you pull that kind of crap!"

" _Ar_ _ée,_ relax!" her giggles were uncontrollable; she hung her head, vibrating, as I continued to retort and reprimand her.

"You do that again, who knows what I'll do? Are you even listening to me?!"

The bell above the door chimed and the cashier greeted the entering customer, "Good mor—"

_**ʙᴀɴɢ!** _

Our amusement and voices died down along with the abrupt noise; my ears began to ring loudly as I glanced over my shoulder before turning to Miri again. Her eyelids fluttered as the worry set in, causing her breaths to shorten.

_The guy...Yori..._

I placed a finger over my mouth; she nodded, her wide eyes fixed on me, alert. I gently pulled her with me as I headed to the back of the aisle and into the next one stealthily, hoping that the plastic in our hands doesn't crinkle any louder than it already did.

We were in between two rows of liquor when I turned to her and whispered, "We'll get out and call the police. OK?"

Even though she nodded, she suddenly began to shake her head vigorously at the last second, letting go of the sweets and pastries and grabbing onto my sleeve. Without wasting more time, I swiftly turned around as she directly backed up into me and held me tightly at the waist.

And I found myself staring down the barrel of a gun.


	30. ⦋ Trauma ⦌

— _**2020**_

 ** _word count_** — _1796_

♫

The man that was aiming his gun in front of my nose narrowed his dark eyes at my sight. My palms began to sweat as my thoughts scrambled from the stranger to Miri behind me; I felt her breath near my ear as she tightened her grip on my jacket.

A few seconds passed and it seemed as if time had stopped - as if everything were moving in painful slow-motion. When I took a small step backward, I realized that Miri must have dropped everything that she was carrying.

Naturally, I played off the situation with a lighthearted demeanor. Allowing a forced smile to stretch the corners of my lips, I snickered, raising my bottle-carrying palms up and saying, "Hey, man—"

"Empty your pockets and lay everything on the ground!" he interrupted roughly, sounding like he had been smoking his entire life.

That was right: he reeked of cigarettes and alcohol, yet his movements appeared somewhat sober. His hair was longer than it needed to be, covered in grease, and matted against his scalp. His clothes were also grimy and torn around in certain areas, exposing soiled skin. A quick glance to his feet indicated that he had been walking in the same shoes for years, as the corners of the fabric were ripped open and laid bare parts of his toes.

The man was not a Ghoul: if he were, he wouldn't have bothered with a gun. He wouldn't have commanded me to empty my pockets. Instead, Miri, Yori, and I would have already been his dinner.

_Motive?_

_Obvious, isn't it?_

He was a poor man that wanted our money and belongings. However, what had me mentally scratching my head was, _why bother?_ He had already killed the cashier, so why not take everything you could have taken and run away? Why bother looking around the store? Why bother asking for my possessions when he could have done the same with Yori, instead of shooting him as soon as he entered?

_Why isn't he just shooting us?_

Time continued to go sluggish as I dropped the bottle of water and the plastic cups of bubble tea. I lowered my hands to my pockets, my breath echoing in my ears along with my heartbeat. Readying myself for the headshot, an image of the people that I had loved and cared about flashed before my eyes: my friends, my family, my best friend who left.

"Are you deaf?" he yelled, provoked, letting Miri's grip tighten further. "Put your stuff on the fucking floor! Your friend, too!"

_Was he that desperate?_

"O-okay! Okay!" I reached for my phone, wallet, lighter, and keys that shared a miniature flashlight. The man let out a whistle when I bent my knees to place the items on the floor, and I realized that Miri's hands were no longer on me.

When I stood up again, the man shoved me to the side. 

"Come here," he waved the gun at Miri, gesturing her to move forward. 

"Is that rea—"

He slightly moved his hand to the right and fired, the bullet almost barely avoiding Miri's voluminous hair.

My ears rang once again, louder this time as I closed my eyes and stumbled backward out of shock and fear. I covered my ears in vain, forcing myself to stand my ground in case he thought to do anything more to her.

When I opened my eyes again, her hands were over her ears, too; her body crouched away from where he had fired his gun. My heart leaped to my throat as every inch of me ached to jump in front of her, to hold her and run out of the store.

 _Miri,_ _I'm so sorry..._

My gaze followed to where the bullet flew through: several large bottles of juice began to pour onto the floor as he demanded that she followed his orders.

"Come _here!"_

Straightening her back slowly, she glanced at me before stepping forward to where I was earlier. She reached into her pockets and pulled out her wallet, cigarettes, keys with a Swiss Army knife keychain, and a pack of chewing gum.

He almost laughed at the sight of the weapon, swiftly kicking it below the shelf of liquor on his left.

"Unzip your jacket."

Instinctively, I stepped forward and opened my mouth to protest, but her eyes met mine for a split-second; her gaze, a warning. 

My heart was going to explode right out of my chest. He still pointed his gun at her as she undid the jacket and lowered her head.

"Come closer."

_This is fucking excruciating._

Miri's face held no emotion; she kept her expression neutral as she advanced forward, only just stepping over my phone.

The man placed his _fucking gun_ under her chin and raised her head, almost as though he wanted to take a good look at her.

"You think you're beautiful, don't you? I bet you think that all the boys are running after you, huh?"

_Fucking hobo..._

I backed away, approaching the row of liquor bottles as it became harder and harder to keep myself restrained. Not being able to _do_ anything had me hyperventilating; even if I tried, he would have shot Miri.

It would destroy me.

Helplessness made my limbs tremble as my fingers twitched, searching for something to do. Clenching her jaw, she briefly looked at me again before her eyes shifted to my right. 

_Hmm...?_

"Keep your eyes on me or I'll blow your brains out!" he cocked his gun, ready to fire at any given moment. "You think you're better than me?!"

She shook her head, whimpering a 'no'.

It didn't take long for me to understand; her fixed gaze shifted between her feet and the man's face as she quietly stepped over my phone.

_Gotcha, Miri._

I gripped a bottle and chucked it to the floor, grabbing his attention. Time went into superspeed as Miri booted the phone to me before taking a step back and kicking the gun out of his hand. It fell only a little further from where they stood; only a couple of steps ahead of me. 

_My prints would be all over that thing._

Seizing my phone, I dialed the helpline as I bit the inside of my mouth, awaiting an answer. Meanwhile, the man snapped back at Miri but she was electric, giving his legs a sweep kick and making him fall to the floor. 

_!!!_

For an instant, she looked at me. My heart was pounding as the words rushed out of my mouth, and I was barely listening to the voice on the other end. It sounded automated - I wasn't sure.

He groaned as he jerked forward to reach the firearm but again she tackled him, forcing him to face the floor. She sat on top of him, snatching his hands with his arms at an angle, driving him to wail in agony.

"You fucking bitch!"

Miri held up his head, struggling to keep him still. "Hide!"

Hanging up, I dashed to her and took a photo of his face. Even though it wasn't too clear, the police would have no trouble identifying who he was. 

" _Allez!"_ she let go of his hair and held his elbows, pushing his arms upward. He cried out, cursing and squirming under her.

On edge, I took my keys, our wallets, and made for the door, glancing over my shoulder to see Miri stand up to run. Passing by the cash register, I found blood splattered on the wall where the young man, Yori, once stood, mere minutes—or even seconds—ago. 

Miri bumped into me as she sprinted ahead; the rattle of her keys, the one that the man had kicked beneath the liquor shelf, echoed sharply in my ears.

"Oi!"

My gaze shifted to the sound of her voice as she urgently reached her arm out to me. " _Allez_ Hide!" 

The smell of the blood was acute; I could almost taste it on my tongue. Thankfully, I wasn't able to see him...

Before following Miri out of the store, I pushed the shelf on my right, allowing it to topple over the man on the other side while also causing a domino effect and taking down with it the other shelves.

**_ᴄʀᴀsʜ!_ **

The clash was continuous and haunting, somehow making the atmosphere heavier.

"Quick thinking!"

Outside, the air was a cool, bone-chilling breeze, smacking onto our faces as we frenziedly reached for our bikes. I dropped our belongings into the basket before placing a hand over my heaving chest, forcing the words out of gritted teeth. "What the heck was that?!"

She got on the bike and I imitated her. "What?!"

"That! In there! That fighting!"

"Are you really asking me that _now?_ Ah - _putain!"_ the chain of her bike was stuck and she strained to pull it out. "What the fuck?!"

"Slow—" but I was cut off by the success of her attempts. Rushing backward as steadily as she could, she tightened her grip on the handles, looking at me with worry.

"Did you call the police?" she asked, moving forward.

"I think I did," glancing over to our left and across the street, we spotted an elderly woman step out of the shadows. My heart jumped to my throat as I waved and shouted out, "Call the police!"

The woman appeared confused.

"What do you mean?" Miri demanded. "What happened over the phone?"

"I told them our location as fast as I could - I just hope they get here soon!"

We pedaled uphill, making every effort to go faster. I couldn't feel my face; my mouth, my nose, and my eyelids were numb with the bitterness of fear & the gale. 

" _Hey!"_

A gunshot was heard from behind us; the first bullet only barely missed us, but the second one collided with the back tire of Miri's bicycle. She came to an abrupt stop as she lost control, falling to the side as the bike fell on her leg. She scattered to her knees, trying to get a hold of the handles once more.

" _Putain!"_

"Miri!" I shouted, halting, and staring in her direction.

" _Putain de merde!_ Keep going!" she ordered, getting up instantly. "Come on!"

Clenching my jaw, I remained in place as I watched her mount her bike. A bullet came back ricocheting off the ground to the opposite direction before another one—

"Ah! Wh—" she fell to the floor, grabbing the back of her thigh.

"Huh?!" crimson liquid trickled to the cement in small droplets at first, then seeped out slowly.

_No._

_No._

_No._

_No._ _No. No. No._ _No. No. No._

 _No. No. No. No. No. No._ _No. No. No._ _No. No. No._ _No. No. No._

_Not Kaneki. Not Miri._

_Not her too._


	31. ⦋ Lack of Color ⦌

**_—_ ** _**2020** _

**_word count_** — _1475_

♫

I froze, unable to get my thoughts together. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was going on.

Tears were filling up my eyes, making my nose sting. I inhaled, taking in as much oxygen I thought my lungs could take, yet it still felt like I was suffocating. Slowly but surely, I was getting dizzy. The world spun around me and I was stuck in time until—

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" her voice was muffled to my ears. She grunted as she forced herself off the ground and glared at the man. The look in her eyes was wild; the way her fists shook in rage intimidated me.

But I understood that look and knew that I had to do something before she charged at him. _That was the face of someone who's ready to fight._

"You think you're better than me now, huh?!" the man cried with his gun still up, attempting to run towards us but mostly hobbling.

"Miri!" she snapped her head to my direction at the sound of my voice. Urgency rushed through me as terror gripped my throat. "Don't do anything stupid! Get on!"

Confusion swept her features for a moment before her gaze followed my hand, gesturing her to sit on the rear rack.

Without another second to waste, she limped towards my bike. I held her hand while she got on. " _Putain.._."

"Hold on to me, will ya? We're going uphill!"

Another shot was fired as I pushed forward with Miri's hand holding my jacket and her feet resting on the pegs. For an instant, I was thankful that he was not completely sober.

_He must've gotten lucky when the bullet hit Miri._

_What a fucking terrible shot._

"You're not better than me!" the man wailed, aiming with another fire and missing once more. "None of you are better than me!!!"

"But we're faster than you!" I shouted back over my shoulder, standing up as I pedaled with full force. "Grab on to the seat, Miri!"

He cried out in frustration, unable to keep up with my speed. Glancing around me, I noticed more people coming out of the shadows and watching what had unfolded. My thoughts raced and my heart pounded with excitement and fear; I had no idea what I was going to tell Kaneki.

"Let's hope that someone called the police!"

"Didn't you...ah, didn't you call them?" Miri asked through gritted teeth.

My brows furrowed as my chest ached. "I did — and managed to get out a few words, but..."

She let out a long exhale.

"Just a little longer."

Once the familiar road to the cabins stretched into view, I snatched the phone from the basket and called Jin. However, as expected, there was no answer.

"Fuck!" I called repetitively, hanging up after every third ring. On the fifth dial, there was finally an answer. "Hello? Jin! Come to the gate with the car!"

"Jin's asleep, you moron." It was Norio that picked up, his voice laced in irritation and weariness.

"Norio-senpai! Please, wake him up a—huh? Hello? What the fuck?! He hung up!" groaning, I called back as we reached the top of the hill, still steering fast as I squinted my eyes against the wind. 

The compound of several holiday cabins appeared into my field of vision, along with the box of where the gatekeeper should have been. Pressing the breaks, we came to an abrupt halt in front of the gate.

"Can you tell Satoshi-san..." Miri's voice was weak, trembling. "To open the gate?"

"It's empty," there was no response again, but I kept redialing. Miri held on to one of the black steel bars as I got off the bike and placed a hand on the seat, steadying the vehicle. "He isn't in there—"

"What do you want, Nagachika?!"

"Norio! This is an emergency! Bring Jin to the gate!"

"If you've been out drinking, that's not our—"

"I haven't been - dude, bring Jin o—"

"Oi! Don't talk to your seni—"

"We need to take Miri to the hospital! If you're not going to do it, tell me where—"

"Hospital? Why?"

He had the right to know that she got shot, but I didn't want to cause a panic that may hinder the process. "She's bleeding! She needs to see a doctor."

"Bleeding?!"

"For heaven's sake! We're right in front of the gate, just bring Jin out with his car, now!" unable to contain my exasperation, I hung up and almost threw the phone to the floor. "Damn it, damn it, damn it! Put pressure on your wound!"

"I'm trying. I'm tired."

Biting the insides of my lip, I let go of the seat and held her arms. "Get off, I've got you."

Her movements were slow with hesitation; she stood, shaking before the weight of her body all but fell onto me. Instinctively, I clung to her waist as she pressured herself to stand up straight.

"Ouf," she complained, her hand still over the lesion as blood trickled through her fingers. "This is fucking ridiculous."

"Stop forcing yourself. Jeez, I'm holding you, aren't I?" even though a storm of emotions built up inside of me, I attempted a gentler demeanor to calm her down. "Straining yourself like that might make it worse."

She glanced at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry you have to see me so weak...again."

"Shut up," I pressed her side. "You got _shot_. You don't have to act so tough."

With a nod, she relaxed in my grip. I hadn't noticed how much I was sweating until she leaned on me. We both sunk to the floor as I planted my knees firmly on the cement. She hyperventilated and winced, trying to straighten her injured leg. 

"Jin will be here soon," I reassured, placing my hand over hers. The liquid was warm, instantly staining my palm. "It hurts, right? I can feel it."

She bit her lip in anguish, but her features softened. "At...at least it was an adventure."

Slowly, I let go of her waist and placed my arm around her shoulders. "Next time you say we're going on an adventure, I'll refuse." 

"But I'm glad...that you're here with me." Tears streamed down her cheeks, yet her smile reached her eyes.

The gentle breeze of the early morning made us both shiver slightly. It was the perfect moment, but also, not so perfect at all. Shaking my head of my thoughts, I took off the jacket I wore and ripped a large piece off the bottom of my shirt.

"Are you still putting pressure on it?"

She nodded, furrowing her brows.

"OK. Remove your hand," I folded the cloth in half. "If you don't mind. I should've done this before..."

Taking in a sharp inhale, she allowed me to put my hand over the wound with the fabric.

"It's not bleeding as much as before, right?"

"I don't think so." Her voice was small, somewhat fearful, but her response gave me a bit of relief.

_The bullet missed a vital artery, then._

"Do you want to lie down while we wait?"

Out of the blue, her demeanor shifted. "You called...Jin?"

"Yeah. He's probably already on his way, so there's no need to panic! We'll have you in the hospital soon."

Her gaze fell to her leg, eyeing the blood that marked the floor.

_...Oh._

"Lie down, it's important to relax. You must be exhausted. How far is the nearest hospital?" I asked, hoping to take her mind off it - off everything that was going on.

Pressing her lips together, she hummed. Her thoughts were already occupied. "I don't know."

_"I won't let him do anything to you,"_ was what I wanted to say, but then she'd know that I knew. 

_I won't, though. I won't let him bite you._

_I couldn't protect Kaneki back then, but...I could try, now._

_This time, Kaneki couldn't save me. This time, I had to protect Miri._

_I think I..._

It was the longest few minutes I had to experience since the fight between Kaneki and Nishiki. The time waiting felt like hours. Surely, it couldn't have been more than five or six...or ten minutes, maximum, since Miri got shot.

With a sigh, she began to lean backward.

"Oi—"

"I'm tired..." moaning, her eyelids fluttered for a moment before she glanced at me. "Jin, you..."

My head pounded as birds chirping echoed around us. The pale atmosphere fell heavy on my shoulders, awaiting Miri to continue her sentence. Her skin had almost drained of color, and I held her closer; tighter than I should have.

"What is it, Mirichan?"

Her smile was faint. "You..."

The roar of Jin's jeep pierced through the silence as he drifted to a halt on the other side of the gate. He came alone.

_...Maybe I should've called 119._


	32. ⦋ Typical Words ⦌

— _**2020**_

 ** _word count_** — _3671_

♫

The scene played out in slo-mo as if I were a bystander to the events that had unfolded before me. Everything echoed tumultuously to the point of reaching absolute and deafening silence.

Next thing I knew, I was at the backseat of Jin's jeep with Miri's head held against my chest, and my hand still clasping her thigh. Pedal to the metal and all four windows rolled down, Jin suppressed coughs and kept a fist under his nose, persistently pushing his glasses up.

_The smell of blood must be torture for him._

At the notion, I wondered how long it must've been since he had last fed.

_Wasn't that blood he was drinking in the cabin, though? Disguised as red wine? Or was I overthinking it?_

My eyes were dry and heavy. Her breathing was gentle; shallow. The grip of anxiety around my throat made it hard for me to speak. "Are we close?"

"Mhm." Jin nodded, glancing at me through the rearview mirror. "How's she?"

I looked at her, with her brown hair fluttering in the wind and the steady rise and fall of her chest. "Breathing."

Would it have been faster if I had just called the emergency line instead of Jin?

_They would've tended to her wound and cleaned it up; she would have lost less blood. Right? But what if they took too long in getting to us?_

_...Whatever. It didn't matter. Jin didn't even try to do anything to her._

_He trusted me with her._

My thighs were hurting from the weight of my elbows as I sat and waited in front of Miri's hospital room door. 

After being rushed to the ER, Miri had been tended to almost immediately. According to the nurses that wouldn't allow me to see her, it was a quick procedure, and Miri was then taken to another room. I had followed the doctor and a few nurses but was told to wait.

At first, I had paced slowly in front of the door; it was only when another staff member called me out that I found myself treading the entire hallway, thoughts, and emotions amuck.

I stared at my green shoes, killing time as I processed everything that had happened. The smell of antiseptic flooded my senses and, without noticing it, a tear dropped from the tip of my nose to the pristine, white floor.

Vigorously rubbing my face, I straightened my back and leaned my head against the wall behind me, heaving in a deep breath.

_Funny how we're terrified of Ghouls when humans were still a threat to one another; how they've been getting away with crimes because the entirety of Tokyo is focused on man-eaters._

_'This must mean that I'm no better than a murderer!'_

 _No, Kaneki. You're_ not _a murderer. You don't even come close to a petty thief._

Crossing my arms, I observed the busybodies in white scuttle about. Some ran, some walked; a lot of them held clipboards and sported stethoscopes, while others conversed out loud. The atmosphere reminded me of the last time I had visited a hospital; when Kaneki was admitted in for surgery after his disastrous date. 

_They wouldn't even let me go near his door..._

_And look where he ended up._

The recollection came back in flashes, scolding me for my irresponsibility.

_It wasn't like there was anything I could do to change things - Kaneki never opened up to me about any of it._

_Besides...I still tried my best. I visited his apartment, left some food for him to eat, reminded him to eat every time I saw him on campus, and visited him in Anteiku when I had the chance. He was looking weak...and I couldn't force him to do anything. How far could someone go?_

_...Then the incident with Nishiki happened, and he slipped even further away from me._

A nurse exited Miri's room, causing me to shoot out of the chair. She was startled and took a step back before registering my expectant eyes.

"Good morning. Are you the gentleman we spoke to on the phone? Harada-san?" she asked, bowing slightly.

"No," I shook my head, my heart pounding with doubt. "No, he left but he'll be back. I don't know when, though. Should I give him a call?"

Looking away briefly, appearing in thought, she cleared her throat. "What is your relationship with the patient?"

"I'm—" _sorry, Miri._ "I'm her boyfriend."

"OK," she nodded, reassured, landing her gaze upon my neck. 

_If_ I'm _not convincing enough then the hickeys can be counted as evidence. Surely it should!_

"Yes, you will need to fill a form, if you please." Gesturing with her hand, she led the way to the administrator's desk. "The patient—"

"Uchiyama Mirélle," I interrupted, bobbing my head. "Twenty-one, yeah. Some psycho shot her with a bullet about...fifteen or so minutes ago. She passed out on the way here, didn't lose _that much_ blood—"

"Sir—"

"So she must have passed out from the pain. Yeah."

The nurse smiled at me politely, and when I turned to glance at the admin, her eyes were wide. However, she still managed an awkward grin, handing the clipboard to the nurse in front of me. 

"Yes. The gentleman on the phone already discussed all of that with us." The nurse laughed courteously. 

Jin probably called during the drive to the hospital, yet the memory was crowded in apprehension.

"She's awake, but she's resting." She said, distracting me as I finished up the form.

I snapped my head in her direction. "She's awake?"

"Yes. The doctor can tell you all that you need to know." She took the clipboard from me. "Nagachika Hideyoshi?"

"Yeah, so, when is he going to let me know?"

The nurse walked again and I followed by her side, heading back to where we were standing earlier. "We'll call you in."

"Oh...all right. Thank you." I bowed.

"Yes. Thank you." She nodded and arched forward as well, entering the room once more.

As her words hung in the air, I grabbed my phone and I called Jin. This time, he answered almost immediately. 

"Hide-kun? What's up? How's Miri?" he sounded as urgent as I felt.

"The nurse said that she's awake and she's resting, but I'll get to know more from the doctor soon. What about you, where did you go? I thought you were right behind me!"

His voice was somewhat muffled from his movements. "I went back to the chalet to get your things - you and Miri. I told everyone what happened and I'm bringing them all back with me."

"...How'd they take it?"

"Yamashiro," Jin grunted, probably filling up the Jeep with bags. "Yamashiro's crying. No one's said anything, but Norio was frantic. He blames himself for not being more attentive to your call."

Ruffling my hair, I sighed. "No point in that now. I guess I'll be seeing you soon."

"Yep. Call me as soon as you know."

"Got it."

Waiting was exhausting, physically, and mentally. I was drained of all the adrenaline and energy that surged through me earlier; instead, I felt the full and familiar weight of emptiness.

_They'll call me in at any second._

Gritting my teeth, I shook my head and inhaled deeply when the thought hit me like a bus. I swiftly rotated back to the admin's desk and held out my phone. "Can I have the local police's number?"

"Of course, sir." The admin wrote down a number on a scrap piece of paper and handed it to me. "Do you need any assistance?"

Shaking my head and thanking her, I walked away and dialed the number, swiftly explaining the situation that had unraveled hours before. It turned out that a few officers were already dispatched to the same area where Miri and I were attacked; a civilian had called them and elaborated on the events.

However, other than the citizens, there was no one there when they had arrived.

"I have a photo of the attacker!"

The man on the other end seemed to converse with whoever else was around him before coming back to me, letting me know that a few of the officers that were at the scene of the crime would be questioning me when they arrived at the hospital.

"Thanks, kid." He grunted before hanging up. 

Restless, I huffed and sat down on the chair again, wondering if any of the doctors were Ghouls.

_They can't be_ that _common around us, can they?_

But sitting down was futile since Miri's nurse opened the door and called me into the room. All my senses came to life as my heart palpitated and my limbs all but vibrated at my jitters. I was already inside before I had even realized it, and Miri, bathed in the pastel sunrise with a half-hearted smile, observed me the way she always seemed to.

Her gentle laugh captivated me in an instant. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

The lingering comfort in her gaze allowed a sensation of content to wash over me, juxtaposing the continuous quivering of my impatience. I grit my teeth as I forced a smile and strode to the other side of her bed, taking notice of the surgeon's voice when my shadow overlooked Miri's paleness.

_Still...beautiful._

When looking at her injured leg, which was elevated over two large pillows, I took her cold hand in mine and squeezed gently. The needle of the IV drip felt foreign and strange against my palm, causing my heart to ache. For reasons that were all too clear to me, I couldn't help but go back to when Kaneki was hurt himself; when his life was on the line and I couldn't be by his side. The recollection saddened me, but looking at Miri made me thankful.

Her expression read as bewildered as her brows furrowed, and her entrancing hazel eyes, almost glowing, shifted between me and the surgeon. However, traces of a gentle serenity lasted along her features.

"The boyfriend, I assume?" the surgeon questioned, drawing my attention away from her. His voice was light and his smile friendly, while the word 'boyfriend' caused a wave of heat to redden my cheeks.

_What the heck does Miri think?!_

Either way, I nodded swiftly and grinned. "You assume correctly!" Stealing a glance at her, I watched her suppress a laugh. 

"I'm Dr. Lucien. Now, about Uchiyama-san; you don't need to worry too much," he continued, taking the clipboard from the nurse that had kept me company earlier, and reading off of it briefly before giving it back to her. "She is fine, overall. Surprisingly, her mental state is not as bad as it would be with usual shooting victims. But that's understandable when yo—"

"And my leg, Lucien-sensei?" Miri interfered abruptly, confusing me with the nervousness in her voice. "The gunshot?"

"Ah, yes," bobbing his head, his slick black hair fell near his eye. "She explained to us the situation and judging by the wound itself, the attacker seemed too far away to cause any lasting damage - or worse. Of course, she'll need to take antibiotics when necessary, otherwise, over the counter pain relievers would work fine."

The way he spoke to me excited me; it made it appear as though _I_ was going to be the one looking after her.

_I would love to!_

_'You have uni to think about...'_

_Yeah, well - who cares! Taking care of Miri...it's straight out of a manga!_

"Of course," Lucien's voice pulled me out of my intoxicating reverie. "It's completely normal for her to experience a lot of different mood swings, anxiety, and low appetite."

I eyed the IV drip on my left. "Is that why this is here?"

"Ah, that's for her hormone imbalance." Looking away for a split second, he placed a hand under his chin. "Hmm...it is quite strange for someone in her state, almost drained of energy, to still be able to will herself to consciousness." He smiled at her as if they'd had a conversation about it already. "The amount of stress and the lack of repose will have her collapse sooner rather than later. I would advise keeping her here a bit longer just so that she can slow down."

Miri sighed, letting go of me and rubbing her face.

"I wouldn't mind staying," the words leaped out of my mouth before I could think. "I can stay all day if I need to!"

"I can't." She huffed in frustration. "I have a lot of things to do..."

"Listen to your boyfriend." Lucien chuckled, crossing his arms. "But it isn't necessary to stay all day. In a couple of hours, you will be free to go."

"What?" my eyes widened. "Already?"

"Sensei, maybe you should tell him about the cane." Declared Miri with a hint of playfulness in her tone.

"Huh? Cane?"

He laughed behind his hand. "She will indeed be needing a cane for the time being."

"Can you believe that?" Miri had an incredulous look on her face, shaking her head. "A cane! Like an eighty-year-old woman!"

"OK, wait - back up a bit, will ya?" flustered, I tousled my hair before placing both hands above my head. "Miri needs to rest, and when we leave she'll need a cane to walk? Is it that bad? How was the surgery?"

Lucien hummed once more, taking one step closer to both of us. He was a tall, handsome surgeon, who appeared quite young. As the thought loitered around my mind involuntarily, I was somewhat jolted to find Miri staring at me when I looked at her. She immediately looked away though, her expression neutral.

_I didn't mean to be irritating with my questions. I needed to know these things, after all!_

"After cleaning it, we closed the wound with stitches." Lucien elaborated. "Taking out pieces of the bullet would have caused more damage; scar tissue will form around the pieces, so there may be some ongoing pain and definite discomfort. Since it's still fresh, it would be better to have her lean onto something and take things easy.

"Uchiyama-san, you'll be able to shower as long as you keep the dressings and the area around it dry. Don't use lotions or any alcohol-based products, especially near the lesion. It would be better to cover it up with plastic if possible." He turned away as another nurse entered the room and tapped him on the shoulder. In hushed tones, they spoke, before he addressed us once again.

"Bring her back next week, if you can." He urged, heading for the door and only peering at us from the side. "I'll change her dressings and reexamine it for further reports. Ah, also," his objective expression shifted into a ragging grin. "You may want to massage your necks. It helps the blood flow."

After a quick wink, he was gone.

With an exhale, I kneaded my face and looked at her. There was a slight dig at my chest when she met my gaze.

"He was pretty friendly, huh?" I commented, automatically rubbing my neck as I sat on the bed near her leg.

"Yeah." Miri imitated me with a half-hearted smile, making more room. The silence was shared between us for a moment; the only sound came from the faint beeping of the machine next to us.

"Am I that good looking that you can't help but stare?" chuckling, I ran my fingers through my hair.

Pressing her lips together, she cutely covered her face in embarrassment before speaking. Her voice went lower the more nervous she got.

"'Thank you' just doesn't feel enough..." she mumbled.

"Hmm? Enough for what?"

"What do you think?" she shook her head exasperatedly. Not only was it painful to see, but it also made me want to hold her - to let her know that there was no need to feel so burdened. 

Blinking rapidly, she gazed at the floor. "They're such common words...I'm worried it doesn't sound sincere. I owe you everything."

"Woah," taken aback by her statement, my fidgeting was inevitable and increasing. "What are you talking about? A 'thank you' is more than what I need! 'Owe me everything'? Are you reciting from a drama?"

_Who wouldn't...save another person's life? Gratitude wasn't even necessary._

"You saved me—"

"Was there another option?" as ridiculous as she sounded, I playfully lifted her chin so that our eyes met. It was a struggle seeing her hold back tears. "If I hadn't, you would have went for him, right? You looked insane."

My attempt to lighten up the mood worked; she giggled and wiped her face, nodding.

_Ah...what I'd give to kiss her right now._

"I was angry that I got hit," she cleared her throat. "So, naturally...I wanted to fight him."

"You already knocked him down! What was that about, by the way? Where'd you learn those moves?" I emulated the way she moved at the shop, the memory forever burned in my mind. "Those kicks? Wow!"

"This is the third time," she commented casually, rolling her eyes. "But I train and exercise every day. You called it a cult."

"Ah, right, right! Very sexy. You're so cool."

She was flustered, but she laughed as she attempted to push me. "You were quick, too. I don't think anyone on the face of this entire planet, this _Earth,_ would have understood what I meant when I pulled his head up, but it was like you read my mind."

In reality, I _wish_ I knew what she was thinking most of the time. Still, I puffed up my chest and tilted my head, feeling good over her words. "You see? We're connected on a deeper level. We understand each other."

Her timidness manifested, and she all but whispered, "Shut up."

"You know...I had once given Kaneki a lot of magazines that featured my favorite band."

"Eh?" Miri's tone was high with delight and a little bit of confusion. "Isn't that a bit sudden?"

"Just hear me out," I scoffed at her adorable reaction, wanting so much to be closer to her. "I gave him the magazines because the band's latest album was coming out that weekend, so of course, I wanted to share it with him. He agreed to come along when I went to buy the album, too, so I joked that he had to study up on them. It was a stack of magazines, no less than three, and he read _all_ of it.

"Then, the weekend came. We took the train and went to buy the album, so we were out longer than usual. After unwrapping the album and having some coffee, I asked if I could get the magazines back. 

"Before Kaneki moved out at the beginning of his college years, he used to live with his aunt. I told you that he likes to read a lot, right?"

"Mhm." Miri nodded, leaning over and placing her hands under her chin. Her focus on me almost made me lose my train of thought, and it was obvious in my stutter.

"Uh...yeah, so...he had a bookshelf in his room, absolutely filled with books. He put my magazines in the bookshelf too. But on the same day, his aunt completely lost it. She threw _all_ of his books, my magazines included, out with the recycling."

" _Hein?"_

"Yeah, it was fucked up. Kaneki just came out looking like a ghost, putting his hand over his mouth, stopping himself from expressing anything...telling me he was fine, over and over. But it was obvious he wasn't fine at all. He always bottled up how he felt...always kept quiet about these things, feeling like he had no say in the matter.

"I couldn't just stand by and watch that happen! So I went into the house and started yelling about how the books that she threw out weren't just his. She was cold, his aunt, but I tried my best with a desperate plea. After his aunt gave no helpful answer, and since I had experience with tracking down paperbacks that were thrown out, I just went ahead with what I knew and dragged Kaneki with me.

"We ended up in the collection center and spoke to the staff. After rummaging through a literal mountain of books, he found my magazines and I finally found his books around the same area."

With a hum, Miri sat with her back on the pillow again, appearing to mull the story over.

"In conclusion, I'm pretty good at treasure hunts." Even though I had smirked, I hoped that what I intended to tell her came through. 

_I care about you...so much._

"Kaneki-san must've been really happy." She muttered, tears flowing once more. "You're really sweet."

"Why are you crying? It was a good story! I'm skillful, too!"

"I don't know!" she wiped her eyes, again and again, like her tears just wouldn't stop. My chest ached. "I'm always too emotional around you. The number of times I cried this weekend...ah, the last time I cried so much was so long ago. Hide, what the hell..."

"I'm the one who's supposed to be asking that!" I laced my fingers, restraining myself, feeling stiff. "What the hell?! Should I leave?"

"No!"

"But you're crying now!"

"If you leave, I'd just cry more." Her voice trembled in truth as if she had no choice in the matter; no choice in her actions or her words. 

"...Oi! I don't like seeing you cry."

"They're happy tears," she insisted. "Happy, all good. I'm very happy right now."

My heart sang at the sight of her smile, the sun bringing every bit of her features to life. She was already breathtaking but seeing her that way tugged at the entirety of me, making me grin with her instinctively.

"Yeah, you better be!"

Her gaze fell onto me and she opened her mouth to say something but quickly seemed to take it back. And we just looked at each other for a little while.

_What is it that she feels like she can't tell me?_


	33. ⦋ Petals ⦌

_**— 2020** _

_**[ explicit content** 0.5/5 **]**_

**_word count_** — _2956_

♫

Standing up, I took in the details of the room that I failed to notice when I first entered. On the other side of Miri's bed was a flatscreen TV built into the door to a wide cupboard. There was also a bedside table and a metal chair with blue padding.

_If I had seen it earlier, I could have easily sat there instead._

A small, transparent plastic bag that appeared to contain her belongings rested upon the foot of the chair; her shoes, pajamas, and jacket stained in blood. I strode over and picked it up when my phone aggressively vibrated in my pocket.

"Hm?" Miri mused, resting on the pillow and staring up at the window before lazily turning her head to me.

"One of them," I muttered as I scrolled through the notifications. _Not even an accidental message from Kaneki._ "They've been contacting me non-stop! One missed call from Akagawa-san...three calls from Norio-senpai. Yamashiro-san called like...fifteen times," I glanced at the brunette. "And I thought that _I_ was clingy!"

She giggled, readjusting herself on the mattress. For some reason, I dropped the bag and stepped to her side with my arms out, as if she needed assistance.

_From the slight wince, I suddenly felt like I needed to cradle her._

_'Cuddling doesn't take the pain away.'_

_Yes. Yes, thank you. Doesn't make me want to cuddle her any less, y'know._

"It's not like Haru to be calling like that," she wondered aloud. "Honestly...the past week has been surreal."

Her hospital gown, very loosely fitted, fell over her shoulder slightly as she waved off my concern. Taking a quick glimpse at the bag of clothes again, I held my breath and clenched my jaw as I turned around.

_Really...now is_ not _the time! Not at all!_

But the "sex" we had already raided my imagination, making my whole body pound. I shook my head and ruffled my hair again.

"Surreal?" my voice cracked as if to snitch on me. Quickly, I cleared my throat, still unable to get rid of the pictures in my head, and the evanescent feeling of her body against mine. "Surreal how?"

_Water...I need water. Or another shower._

Crossing my arms, I continued to roam away from her, not really taking in the room anymore.

Humming gently, she went on. "Actually, not even this past week. The past _month_...ever since we started going out with you."

"Hey," I warned, only barely turning around. "You say that like I'm a wrecking ball!"

She laughed, and I could picture her in my head clearly. "It's true! But not in a bad way, of course."

"Uh-huh." A door stood out to me on the right. "Is that a bathroom?"

"Yeah." Her tone was sweet, except for a little touch of 'duh, what does it look like?'. "You can use it if you need to. It's not like I'm going anywhere, _t'sais."_

"Don't get lonely without me." I teased, going headfirst into the restroom and immediately leaning my back on the door, releasing a heavy sigh. Taking a step to the sink, I glanced up at my reflection.

_I'm as red as a stop sign._

The isolation only made things more inappropriate.

_Man...why does it hurt so good?!_

I turned on the faucet in a huff, filling my hands with the ice-cold water and basically throwing it to my face, rubbing my eyes, and bringing some liquid to my hair. My ears were burning.

_So embarrassing..._

I took one last peer in the mirror before deciding that there was nothing else I could do except to wait.

Then I noticed how shitty I came across; the lack of sleep and lethargy caught up to me and practically slapped me.

_How can she even look at me, let alone_ stare?

Insecurity laced around my insides, but I heaved in another inhale in hopes of letting go and opened the door. I strode near her bed again in large steps, ignoring what I just saw in the mirror.

_When she smiles while seeing me...ah, that's all I need for a boost of confidence._

I grabbed the chair and dragged it to her side, but she stopped me before I could take a seat.

" _Ouf,_ can you help me with this?" she leaned forward, attempting to adjust the pillows under her injured leg, barely able to move. "Ah, so annoying!"

"Hey, wait a sec." I couldn't help but snicker. "You need to rest, now more than ever, but you're still trying to do everything yourself."

"I _asked_ , didn't I?" she sulked.

"But you still tried to do it alone!" I lifted her leg carefully, forcing my eyes not to wander as I moved the pillows a bit. I was already dreadfully aware of how crimson my entire head was; I didn't need to make it that much worse.

_Even down here...her skin is always so smooth._

"I'm used to it, _je pense."_ Miri muttered, holding the gauze gently.

"Well, I'm with you now. If you need anything, give me a call! Heck, give me a call even when you don't need anything! Got it?"

When I looked at her she was nodding, smiling sweetly, her gown still drooping the more she tilted forward.

"Oi, fix that!" I gestured to her shoulder with a nod. The hickeys on her breast peeked through, _and I couldn't believe that I had gone that far._

_How soft she was, how she tasted..._

_Gah!!!_

_Stop, stop, stop!!!_

_..._

_But I basically skipped to second base...it's a pivotal moment in a man's life, isn't it?!_

_My first time...?!_

_I'll think about it later! This is insane! Stop!_

With another gulp of air, she hurriedly pushed the fabric back up to cover her chest, her cheeks reddening as the sudden movement whipped the tube of her IV drip a little.

"Ah...this is embarrassing to ask, but..." the quiver in her voice told me all I needed to know of her discomfort. Furrowing her brows, she shook her head, appearing to disdain the idea of the request.

_I already knew what she wanted from me._

"Can you help me with it?" she physically and visibly cringed. " _Ouf,_ so humiliating. I'm like a child."

I bit the insides of my mouth and stopped breathing again, trying to focus on thinking of something else and relieve her uneasiness.

"C'mon," I cleared my throat as she delicately handed me the cloth. "Everyone needs a hand sometimes. Didn't you tell me that earlier?"

"I just feel so helpless."

"You're hurt. It's understandable," my gaze traveled down her bare back, my feelings for her intensifying. "And it can't be helped. We both know that once you're fine, you'll have the world in your hands again. Is that better?"

She nodded, her tone shifting into something lighter. "You really think that of me?"

"Of course! Besides, you have a _bullet_ in you! How fucking cool is that?!"

Miri laughed briefly before moaning again. "I won't be able to work out or practice anymore. What's my trainer going to say...?"

"Are you a Pokémon?"

"Eh?"

"Your trainer should understand! You're not an animal! I'll speak to him myself!"

" _She_ isn't very understanding and she's quite strict. I'm sure you're right, but I'm still worried..."

"Relax, you're stressing yourself out. You don't have to give everything your all every time, y'know?"

She hummed, looking at me as I sank into the chair and loosely crossed my legs.

_It's fine, totally fine! Miri already saw me get turned on before..._

I repeated the phrase to myself to decrease my sheepishness.

_Aside from my ears and my face being scarlet, I just looked normal. And maybe a bit tired._

"I admire that about you." She declared.

"Mm? Admire what?"

Shaking her head, she glanced at the floor. "Nothing."

"Hmm...?"

"Are you feeling all right? You're a bit flushed...you didn't catch a cold or anything?"

"Yeah, I...I think I am coming down with something."

We were quiet for a while, stealing glances at each other and breaking into a smile now and again. _And when she looked at me...like she had feelings for me, too..._

_It drove me crazy. I couldn't believe it. If Kaneki were here, I would have blown up his phone and rattled his head off. After all, he was always there to hear me complain about wanting a girlfriend._

_I mean, I knew I liked her, but I never thought it would come to be so strong, so fast. And still - she never_ verbally _said that she liked me; it felt that way often, but maybe it was because of how vehemently I liked her that I was_ so _convinced that she liked me, too._

Yeah, right. I had a wide imagination, but I wasn't delusional.

_Still...she didn't agree to a date with me. But did it matter? We already went to second base!_

_...But, again, she was completely out of it. She doesn't even remember what we did._

_Seriously...I just keep going around in circles. Until I knew how she felt, it'll always be like I'm chasing my own tail._

_Is that so bad, though? She's already expressed her desire in holding me and kissing me. Was it necessary for her to tell me that she liked me, too?_

_Fuck, man...I can't believe I confessed like that. I could have at least waited until we went out on a date! Why does Miri work the opposite way?!_

" _T'sais,"_ her voice interrupted my train of thought, and I was thankful for it. "When they told me that my boyfriend was outside waiting, I panicked."

Cracking up, I rubbed my eyes. "Why? Who did you think it was?"

"I don't know...no one really came to mind. I thought it was just some creep or something."

_Could she still be worrying about the attacker?_

"No, no creep - just me!" I grinned from ear to ear, opening my arms up widely as if to say 'ta-da!!!'. "Miri, what were you saying about me ruining your life three weeks ago?"

Being caught off guard, I realized, had her laugh aloud; it echoed around the room and had me rest my head in my palm. Before I knew it, I was already sighing in fondness.

_She's seriously provocative._

"You didn't _ruin_ anything," she said, appearing to doubt her own words for a split second. "You just...changed things."

"Because _my_ life has been so normal since we met?" I asked sarcastically.

"Fine, we're even then!"

"I wasn't complaining!"

"But, more than that..." she bit her lip. "Everyone's been acting so strange lately."

"My influence was just that strong?" I joked.

"I mean," sitting up, she ruffled her long hair. "I have no idea what's been going on with Sumie; she and Fujisaki are about ten times more aggressive than they normally are. After talking it out with Hana-chan, she mentioned the first night we 'officially' met and...I didn't expect them to act that way."

"Was it that weird?" my brows furrowed as I pulled my chair closer to her bed, deeply curious about the matter. "Delafose said that they normally act like that when someone is interested in you."

"Not to that extent. Fujisaki...I can look past that since he _does_ get moody often. But Sumichan...and Jin? In most cases, they would be quite supportive."

"Maybe they didn't like the idea of me asking you out?" _since I tend to ask out any cute girl I see._

"No, that's not it. Hana-chan told me that Sumichan got pissed when Fujisaki said that you ask out like, _all_ the girls."

Her words were like electricity going straight through me and I felt the need to defend myself.

_How could I when it was true?!_

Seeing my expression, she hastily continued. "Not that that's a bad thing - I think it's pretty courageous. Not a lot of guys really just go for it, so putting your feelings out there...it's not that easy."

"I appreciate you saying that, Mirichan, but you don't have to stand up for me." Even though I chuckled, guilt formed a rock in the pit of my stomach. "To be honest, I just wanted a girlfriend!" 

When her features shifted in the slightest, I backpedaled immediately. "But, I mean...I saw you again and everything changed, y'know?! Absolutely everything!"

_I wasn't lying. If I could show her..._

_Miri's impact:_ _███████████████████████████_

_Every other girl on the face of the planet: |_

"That's not the point," she giggled, forcing her smile to disappear. "What I mean is that they would have been supportive regardless of you as a person or what you've done. At least an honest 'good luck', but never pick a fight or argue the way that they did."

"Hmm...maybe it was just _me_ they didn't like."

"Jin likes you."

"Of course, of course! To be honest, Jin was the most supportive of how I felt about you...at times, it even felt like he was _pushing_ it, as if he really wanted us to...y'know, interact."

"...Really?" her voice lowered, but her tone indicated her awe. "Jin would...?"

"Yeah, definitely! Every chance he got! But I mean, Delafose, it seems that she doesn't like me - and certainly not Norio-senpai!"

"Mhm. Speaking of Sumichan...she was the weirdest by far. Especially since the beginning of the trip."

"She was being protective over you, though. She didn't want me to ask you out then go and ask someone else out, that must've been her motive."

_But this weekend, it all unfolded._

"Come _on,"_ Miri stressed, squinting her eyes at me. _Man, she's already observant. What was the point in me saying that?_ "Forcing us to remove the shirts during that game? Asking me who my first kiss was? Playing my private voice notes...? All of that was more than mortifying for me, yet she insisted at every turn. That doesn't sound like someone who would want to protect me _or_ my already tarnished reputation. And even a few hours ago, she was interrogating me..so weird."

There was nothing I could say without telling her upright that Delafose Sumie was chasing after me. Even though my distaste for her grew, I still couldn't hurt Miri with that information. I couldn't ruin what they had. It wasn't my place.

_I was already in too deep, a_ _nd they've been best friends longer than Miri and I knew each other._

_Was it just bad timing, or was Delafose simply a light drinker?_

_...Right, after everything she said, alcohol couldn't have been an excuse. Unlike Miri, who was unaware of her surroundings, Delafose was not as intoxicated_.

She thought to herself quietly, trying to make sense of the situation the same way I was. "You didn't tell anyone, did you? About..."

"What is it?"

"About me tracking them?" she didn't want to say it; her voice was only barely a whisper. 

I shook my head. "As if!"

"I mean... _t'sais,_ it's not like I do it _actively._ I don't even...I never check up on it. It's just there in case anything goes wrong!"

"Yeah, I know! I wouldn't tell - I don't have a reason to. Unless you've told someone else?" _Jin must've known if he knew of her computer skills, too._

_Jin must've known everything about her._

"Only a few others know, but it's purely for professional reasons."

"Professional reasons? Are you actually a spy, Miri?"

With a smile, she shook her head. "No. And if I were, I wouldn't tell you. So maybe I'm lying?"

"You know, I can find out."

"How?!"

"I have my ways!"

With a wave of her hand, she went back to the topic. "Still. It makes zero sense to me. Unless Sumichan heard something or saw something that I did that irritated her to this degree, I don't see why she would treat me this way..."

"Maybe you're looking too deep into it?" _she has every right to doubt Delafose...but she needs to relax a bit._

"You think so...?"

"You tend to take things to heart."

"Do I?!"

"Sometimes! I don't mean it in a bad way! But you need to look after your health more. All that thinking isn't going to do you any good."

"But, honestly..."she continued despite me. " _Comme,_ this trip in particular...it was like an alternate universe version of a reality show. You know the one where they have strangers live together and there are hosts that make commentary?"

"Huh? Wait...you mean _'Terrace House'?"_

"Yup! Exactly. The drama was too high and ridiculous in our case. It felt like a cruel prank."

"You think so?" it wasn't exactly pain that I had felt, but it was more than a simple agitation. "I had fun!"

"Well, you weren't stuck in the chalet because you were sick."

"The most fun I had was with you! Even if the games were lame...I had a good time because you were there."

Pressing her lips together, she suppressed another grin and looked away. "I had fun with you, too. Thanks again."

"Don't even mention it! Anyway, I can't watch shows like that, y'know? They're so boring!"

Miri gasped as though it was her I had offended. "It's real-life!"

"Yeah, and most of the time, real-life can be boring. I could just sit in my class and watch everyone around me instead of tune in to that. What a waste of fifty minutes!"

" _D'accord,_ it's forty minutes at most - and watching your classmates isn't the same as watching strangers live together and interact! It's so precious when they fall in love and confess, too..."

"Whatever! A big fat yawn! If I ever watch it, it would only be for you."

She pouted and crossed her arms playfully.

"Oi, don't give me that face!" - _unless you seriously want me to go over there and kiss you._


	34. ⦋ Answer ⦌

— **_2020_**

 ** _word count_** — _4871_

♫

Our laughter and conversation faded as the sun rose ever so slightly. When Miri sighed, I followed her gaze to see that she was staring up at the clock; it was the sole source of sound in the quiet room. Somehow, it felt as though she and I were the only ones present in the entire hospital.

"How is it still 7 AM?" she wondered aloud, her eyes fixed on its twitching hands. "Feels like we've been here for four hours."

"I haven't received word from Jin and the others either," I mumbled, briefly checking my phone. "No texts and no calls, except for the ones I received before I spoke to him."

"Time's so slow..."

I stood up and started for the door. "I'll go get us some water. Rest until I get back, Mirichan."

"I guess it can't be helped." She lay her back on the pillow. "Hey, if you see a nurse, can you ask if they can get me another gown? There are too many buttons on my side. I can't tell which one calls for help or folds the bed, or something else."

"Of course, of course! I'll be back before you know it!"

Once I was out of the room, I searched for a nurse.

Or anyone at all.

_Huh?_

The hospital had seemed to have evacuated, somehow. Not a soul in sight, not a sound even mistakenly uttered, except for a beeping from a machine on the admin's desk, hardly leaving an echo within the vast space.

_The only horror element missing is flickering lights._

Sauntering forward, I glanced over at the staff's desk, seeing doodles on sticky notes and forms filled out messily. The paper that I had written on earlier was on the very top, my name circled in red, my species underlined several times.

I shook my head, trying not to look too deep into it. The conclusion that flashed in my mind seemed too outlandish to begin with.

_Even though there were Ghouls everywhere, the chances of encountering one could not have been very high._

_Then again, coming to terms with knowing a few..._

I ruffled my hair. 

_No, no. It's stupid._

Continuing to a wall where a large navigation signboard hung, an odd feeling unfurled within my navel. As I carried on to the left, I eyed every corner of the hospital, peering into the empty rooms.

_Where is everyone?_

My suspicions piled up with every step that I took, yet I put effort into dismissing every thought that materialized. I slowed down upon entering the lunchroom; from how empty it was, one would have thought that it was closed. The lights were off and the curtains were pulled wide open, allowing the morning sun to illuminate the clean, ceramic floor. Spotless, despite apparent dust that floated where the light reflected.

"Hello?" my tone was barely louder than normal, but the void carried my words back to me in reverberation. On the far side of the place, atop one of the tables was a plate with unfinished meat. The hair on my arms stood on end the more I stared at it; the sight of crimson liquid gave me an oppressive feeling.

_I must really be tired to be hallucinating like this. Makes more sense to go back to the room quickly._

Rotating, I studied the food that was presented in the fridge near the service counter, seeing bowls of shiny ramen and miso soup, as well as perfectly sculpted omurice, among others.

_It's not like they'll keep fresh food out on display._

Even with the most logical reasoning, the uneasiness overstayed.

The watercooler stood on the right side of the fridge and counter with two stacks of foam cups above it. Without another minute to waste and yearning to get rid of the dread that tickled my skin, I filled two cups and headed back to Miri.

But in front of the door was a nurse that I hadn't seen before, automatically making me stop in my tracks. She was all but motionless, standing three feet away from the rectangular vision panel, staring into the room intently.

_Nothing I can do but dispel this state of fear._

My heart pounded as I approached her and cleared my throat. 

"E-excuse me! Hi!" I greeted loudly, trying not to spill the water in the cups when I bowed. 

The nurse appeared to snap back to reality, jolting in position, and placing a hand over her mouth. "Yes?"

"Would it be possible to get this patient another gown?" I gestured to the door with my elbow. "The one she's wearing is a bit big for her. I think the buttons at the back don't clasp either."

She blinked rapidly and nodded, arching forward. "Yes."

"Thank you! Ah, if it's not too much, can you open the door? My hands are full."

She bobbed her head once more and reached for the handle, carefully keeping her distance.

"Take some rest!" I said cheerfully. 

Out of the blue, her stomach growled aloud in the comprehensive silence between us. At the sudden rumble, she bowed deeply and said, "I'll be back with her gown shortly, sir." And hurried away.

"What's going on?"asked Miri. Closing the door with my foot, I strode to her side.

"Nothing." I handed her the cup of water as the abrupt comfort poured over me. "Man, the nurse was just...weird. She looked tired. Sounded hungry. Kind of looked like a starving zombie. Just staring. Waiting..."

"That's rude. Cut her some slack," Miri frowned, taking a sip and sighing. "I'm sure she's just exhausted from the number of hours she has to work."

"I don't know, Mirichan. I'm kind of getting a weird vibe from this place..."

"She must've spaced out. Plus, what's safer than a hospital?" Miri gulped the last bit of her drink, reminding me of the way my best friend disregarded my many ramblings. "Thank you for this. I feel better already."

_But unlike Kaneki, Miri tends to take everything I say to heart. Even when I'm talking to myself, she hears me and humors me._

_We're more alike than I thought._

My insides essentially awakened at the sensation of the cool liquid. Her words rang back to me, and I peeked into my cup. "I still have some, too. Here."

"No. It's yours. You've been thirsty, right? And if you're coming down with something, you'll need it."

 _'Thirsty' was an understatement._ "It's fine, I can get another cup!"

"No, no...maybe later. I'm good for now!"

"Babe, just say the word. Y'know, it's closeby, a lot closer than I thought it would be. I'll be back, all right? Here, take this, drink up!" I handed her my cup before hurrying out the door again and stopping at the admin's desk, looking over the stationary, then continuing on to the cafeteria. In a flash, I was already back in Miri's room with two more cups.

"Not a drop spilled?" she teased, studying me curiously.

"Not a drop spilled! Impressive, right? I'm pretty good with balance!"

"Extremely impressive."

"It's weirdly empty out there," I observed her as I drank out of my cup. "Like, no one's there. It's fully empty. No doctors, no patients, no staff. Are we dreaming? What kind of hospital is this? We should be discharged soon, right?"

"Hmm...maybe there's a meeting? Or they're taking a break? Because this isn't what I'd be doing in a dream."

"I don't want to know. But a break in the morning? What's your excuse for the patients, then?"

"It's possible to take a break in the morning, _je pense."_ Miri was too cute, pressing her lips together. "Perhaps I'm the only patient they were able to admit because Jin called beforehand. You know how strict they get."

"Hmm..." I raised a brow, looking at her clothing. "One second." 

Placing my cup on the table, I stepped close to her and examined the back of her gown, reaching into my pocket. The brunette unquestionably leaned forward.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing, I'm just...trying something." The buildup of tension caused my palms to sweat. "The blue looks good on you."

She lowered her head and waited.

Once I was finished, I gazed at her. She hid most of her face behind the white cup.

"As good as new, don't you think?" I shrugged.

Training her eyes on me before pulling at the fabric, she agreed. "Thank you. Was there...really no nurse?"

"Well, I told that weird one," I sat down again, resting my elbow on the side rail of her bed, already aware of the redness of my ears. "But I don't think she registered anything that I said. I'm telling you, something's going on here. That surgeon was too good looking and that nurse was too interested in you."

"Too good looking?" Miri grinned. "Is that a reason to be suspicious of someone?"

"All I'm saying is, someone who looks that good couldn't have been working for hours on end, y'know."

"Idols are like that, aren't they?"

"You have something for everything, huh?" I rolled my eyes.

All I did was check her out for longer than ten seconds, but she immediately turned away to giggle.

"What? Do I look funny?" my question was a rhetorical one, but she answered anyway.

"No..." even though she continuously attempted to hide her face, it only heightened my curiosity, focusing on her blush that much more.

"I think I do," I continued. "I barely slept. I said the nurse looked like a zombie but it's me, I'm a zombie."

" _Chut,_ you're still on that?"

"Hmm..."

"You can rest your head there and take a nap," she pointed to the area near her leg. "I'll move a bit to give you some space."

With a smirk, I scoffed. "Stop flirting with me, Mirichan."

Her modesty took a turn and she gasped. "Wha—?! I'm not flirting! Joke's on me, then!"

"Look, if you want to flirt that's fine. I'm totally okay with it!" I snickered, taking up on her offer and placing my arms next to her leg, my skin brushing against hers lightly. She began to shift a little, but I stopped her. "Besides, there's enough space. My head isn't that big, y'know!"

"I'm not...!" She exhaled, observing me lay my head down. " _Arée,_ I just thought for it to be more comfortable for you, _t'sais."_

"It's all good!"

Images of the vacant hospital rested at the back of my mind; at least in the room together, we were safe.

_Safe, from...? What am I thinking..._

I had to stop my train of thought before it went too far.

"Are you going to watch me sleep?" I quipped, giving her another sneer.

Wordless, awkward sounds came out of her mouth before she shook her head and said, " _No._ I'm tired, but sleep isn't really coming to me." Her smile remained as well as the silence that followed after her words.

My eyes were beginning to close, but I wanted to look at her more.

"Five, Hide."

"Hm?" I was happy that she spoke. "I should sleep for five...minutes? Five...hours?"

"No. I've..." Miri cracked her fingers, fumbling with her nails. "I've dated five people my entire life."

Taken aback, I sat upright, all the weariness leaving my body. From her reaction, the confusion on my face must've been obvious.

"You asked me how many people I've dated and I couldn't remember at the time," she scratched the back of her neck. "But it just came back to me."

"...When we were in the chalet?" my brows raised as I rubbed my nose. "Man, my memory is _garbage_."

"Well, you talked about your 'exes' and you asked me how many people I had dated."

"Mhm, mhm, mhm."

"That's how many. Five."

It was on my mind after I had asked, but I decided not to dwell on it too much.

"I don't know if the first one counts," her beam widened as her words took me back to when we were on the balcony together.

_That was actually something I said, wasn't it?_

"But my first relationship was with Jin."

"Jin?" I tried not to sound too surprised, however, my voice effortlessly gave me away, nevermind the look on my face. _I had known that Jin was her first kiss...but not her first boyfriend._ "Harada? Harada Jin? Jin-senpai?"

She nodded, suppressing her laughter. "Harada Jin. The one, the only."

"His majesty, of course!"

" _Hein?"_ she shook her head as her brows furrowed.

"Nothing, nothing!" I waved my hands. _It was a joke among several guys. Not sure if it was even a joke, but rather more of praise._ "Why? I mean, why wouldn't it count?"

Looking away for a brief moment, nostalgia wrote itself along her features. The sun shone down on her pretty lashes and her breathtaking, vague smile. The past played in her head — something I couldn't see, but something I noticed her seeming to relive.

"It was back in high school," she said, her voice gentle. "But I don't know if it really counts because I loved him and he didn't feel the same way about me."

"That's..." it was shocking to me; the entire time I had known them, I truly thought that he was completely head over heels for her in every way. "That's crazy."

"It's true." 

_And it's crazy how he wasn't in love with you._

She shrugged. "I mean, he _did_ say that he loved me too, but I suppose it wasn't exactly in the same way that I meant it. It just turned out that...that he was nice."

" _Huh?_ What does that even _mean?"_ it sounded ridiculous.

_Telling someone that you loved them...how grey is that area?_

" _Comme..._ you know what it's like to be a teenager and in love and have your whole world revolve around that one person that you like? I was just infatuated, and it showed in everything that I did because when you like someone and have no control over yourself, that tends to happen. It's obvious in everything you say and do. And it's extremely embarrassing...

"At some point, my emotions got the better of me and I broke down in front of him, and that was when he confessed that he felt the same way. It was too late when I realized that he had only said it so he wouldn't see me in pain – it was too late to take anything back. And then when I wanted more; when I asked for more...he gave me more."

It was automatic when I held my breath; I bit my lip to make it less obvious.

"You mean...?" I dragged it out, even though I had already known.

With a wordless sigh, she bobbed her head slowly. "Yeah...he was my first, for a couple of times. But then..." her hand hovered over her hip before lightly clutching onto the fabric, right above where the remains of scar tissue resided.

_The dog bite._

_...Jin's bite._

_Not only did she know that he was a Ghoul, but he had already bitten her._

_And yet...she was still in his life. He was still in her life, too._

_Could it be out of guilt? Blackmail? Knowing that she has some ties with the CCG, trying to keep himself safe?_

_Miri isn't the type to blackmail, though, and...our conversation about Ghouls never really went anywhere other than she was conflicted about the entire scenario._

_It's possible that he loved her the same way, but couldn't be with her because of his species. Then again, Nishiki-senpai and his girlfriend seemed to be doing all right, all things considered..._

_And knowing Miri, she wouldn't turn in someone like Jin...even though he_ bit _her. Besides, it must have been years ago, back when they had dated...6 or 7 years ago..._

A lump formed in my throat that almost hindered my breathing altogether, while a strange mix of several emotions clawed its way up to my head. Not one was properly distinguishable, but all completely dreadful.

However Miri, shaking her head, grabbed my attention. She wiped her face and ran her hands through her hair, and despite being overwhelmed with bewilderment, I couldn't help staring. 

"But then it ended." She finalized. "It feels like I don't even remember how, sometimes."

I forced my thoughts past the images and the ideas that had resurfaced behind my eyes. "Is that for better or for worse?"

_What a stupid question._

"For better, of course." Her tone was confident. "Sometimes...the person you love just can't feel the same way. It can't be helped."

"Hmm..." I leaned on my elbows. _The bite must have been the key intention behind the breakup._ "It's sad but true. Then...what about your second?"

"The second was in France. His name's Florian, but we called him Flo. It happened during one of the worst years of my life, actually. I had just graduated high school and was beginning my first year at Takayū, way before Sumichan and I became close, so I didn't have many friends here. Because of that, I got lonely a lot, so I would travel to France for every break and for entire summers. I think he doesn't count either since it was kind of... _je ne sais pas,_ a 'summer fling'?"

She snickered, her face scrunching ever so adorably.

"We first met at a bookstore. I was coming back to Tokyo eventually, so I knew that it was going to end at some point. _Mais..._ because of what happened with Jin before that, I was completely vulnerable. He swept me off my feet and I was smitten, kind of fell twice as hard."

"But because it was only during the summer, you think it doesn't count?" I asked, resting my head on my hand. 

_Ugh...why am I itchy?_

"Well, yeah."

"No, it totally counted! You both reciprocated! I think that's enough for it to count. And summer is around three months long – if I were you, I'd totally brag about it!"

"Ah, sorry. I just remembered your stories..." she snorted before putting a hand over her mouth.

"Yeah, yeah! Laugh all you want! If they saw me now, they would regret it!"

"I'm sure they would." Miri humored me, but her eyes glowed pure. "Fine, fine! Both of them counted. Anyway, we never really spoke again. When I'd visit France, he'd send me a message and we'd chat about meeting up, but I never really go through with any of the plans."

"Afraid you'll wanna get back together with him?" I taunted.

" _Pas question!_ After coming back from France and after it ended...it felt right to keep it at what it was. There were times where I'd wonder, but then force myself to forget about it. No good could come of that."

"Why?" I asked curiously, but the itch only spread.

"'Why'? Should I go back to France and get back together with him? Live on for the rest of my days there?"

"No, not at all! What would I do here without you? Rabbits die when they get lonely, y'know."

" _Hein?_ What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that if you go, I'll get so lonely that I'll die!"

" _Yah,_ Nagachika..." she scratched her head and covered her face with her hair.

"After all this time, and you address me like that?"

"Can you stop talking?" squirming and flustered, she looked at me through her fingers.

"But you're so cute!"

"Now who's flirting with who? Stop flirting with me, _arée_."

Releasing a sigh of defeat, I shook my head. "Ah, that phrase...my Achilles heel."

After a few minutes of the back and forth, we calmed down and went back to the question that I asked hours ago.

_At least that itch faded a bit._

"Who was your third?"

"Someone that I met at Takayū. Nahochan. She was the first actual friend that I made after high school."

"Oh...you swing both ways, then?"

"Mhm."

"Y'know, it's incredible to me that you still remember all their names. I can't remember the names of my favorite characters or even my favorite mangas."

"It wasn't that long ago, and I have a good memory. Unlike you."

"Yeah, yeah. So, Naho?"

"We basically became each other's support systems throughout like, two semesters. It was too good; going too well. So at some point, there was a lot of talk going on around uni." She scoffed. "It's funny because I really believed that, the older people grew, the more mature they'd become. But I had to learn the hard way that that's not the case."

"I know what you mean." A couple of seniors came to mind; seniors that I felt needed to be back in high school. "Was it something bad?"

"We were quite open about our relationship. Everyone knew she was my girlfriend, we held hands publicly...but the gossip was mostly about _me_. After everything circulated and people came to their own assumptions and conclusions, she told me that she couldn't be with me anymore. People said the vilest things, too..."

"Was it that bad that she had to break things off?"

She took in a deep inhale, seeming anxious. "To some people, it can be a real deal-breaker."

"It couldn't have been as bad as she made it out to be, or as bad as everyone else made it seem. People tend to overreact."

"I wonder if you'll still think that after I tell you..." her features fell, and it appeared that her memories were no longer pleasant.

Clicking my tongue, I ran my fingers through my hair. "You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable. I don't need to know unless you feel like I need to know."

"I'd rather you hear it from me than from someone else. I don't know how they'd word it or how they'd make it sound."

The familiar feeling of apprehension echoed in my chest; the same sensation that had overcome me when Delafose first spoke about it in the chalet, spilling all of the secrets that she had no right to spill. A string of names flashed before my eyelids and all I could remember was being enraged at her words.

_Miri..._

"Of course," I agreed after her pause. "Some may make it seem worse than it is! But...I think I know what you're talking about."

"...Yeah? I wouldn't be surprised..."

With a nod, I straightened my back momentarily. "When we first hung out...you got a bit drunk and said something about how you didn't want to just sleep with anyone anymore."

Miri blinked, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly agape. "I did? I said that?"

"Jeez..." I scratched my head. "Do you have a memory wipe every time you drink?"

"No. I mean, I don't remember most things when I drink, so..."

_I wonder...if she remembers my confession at all? We had a long talk about it afterward, so it must be somewhere in her mind. Otherwise, we wouldn't constantly be reminding each other to stop flirting._

"Anyway, you _did_ say that, and it wasn't difficult to understand. You asked me if I wanted to sleep with you, too."

"Ah...yeah, well," she looked at her hands. Her features shifted from nostalgically playful to solemn all too quickly, and suddenly, I wanted to move on from the topic. "So...from context, you know about my one-night-stands?"

"Yup, more or less. It's totally normal though, a lot of people I know are like that, too. It's a part of life! Maybe not everyone's life, but some do have that phase." I tried to lighten the mood a bit. "I spent all my time with that nerd, Kaneki...if I hadn't, maybe I would've done the same!"

_Still love you, bro._

Biting her lip, Miri looked away briefly. "And what did you think...of it?"

I scowled. "You say you have a good memory but everything that happened is already out of your head, huh? Now I know how Kaneki feels when he talks to me and I totally space out."

" _Yah,_ Hide..."

"Then he brings it up again and again, and I nod, as always. It's not like I'm never listening, y'know."

Mirélle sniffled as tears fell down her cheeks.

_Man, why am I always making her cry? For a moment, I really thought I had game._

_'No, Hide. You're just as delusional, thankfully. And you don't know the first thing about girls!'_

_Thanks for the encouragement, dude._

"Oi, Mirichan?!" I exclaimed. Instinctively getting up, I strolled to the other side of her bed and sat down, rubbing her arm. "C'mon, I was only joking! It can't be helped when you're drunk, right? I got really drunk once and totally forgot everything, too. My friends told me that I started singing traditional folk songs to the customers. They even have a video, but I had no memory of it!"

Wiping her eyes, she lowered my hand and offered me a smile. "Thanks, but...everything just came back to me."

"Everything with your ex?"

She nodded, her eyelids fluttering and her emotions pouring through with her troubles. "It's not something that's appealing, _t'sais._ It's...a lot of people avoided me and talked about me. But I was careful and clean and...I mean, I never cheated or saw two people at the same time."

_It must've been difficult for her to open up about it; going through it must have been hell, too._

"Body count?" I was jesting once again, but just like earlier, she answered my question earnestly.

"I don't know...to be honest, I didn't really care back then. I was just...having fun, _t'sais?_ There were times when my insecurities would consume me – overall, I had no regrets. But after what happened with Naho...I realized that I should've been honest with her from the start since my intention was to date her. She would hear things about me like, 'yeah, Uchi will go on a date with you and then sleep with you. It's that easy'. Others were worse. 'Uchi just sleeps with everyone'."

I grimaced. "What the fuck?"

"I couldn't really say anything because...I did go on a lot of dates that ended that way," Mirélle's voice was still shaking. "If I tried to convince her with 'I don't just sleep with anyone', she would probably bring up a list of names."

Delafose came to mind again. "A list? Did people have that much free time on their hands? That's just pathetic."

"Some liked to brag about it. It wasn't something I used to hide, either. 'Hey, have you slept with so-and-so?' and I'd say, 'we went on a date that ended that way'. It was a mess." When she glanced at me, her eyes were glassy. "Some people started rumors that they have gone out with me, when I never heard of them. Unfortunately, it was easy for everyone else to believe. It was an actual, physical list of real names mixed in with those that don't even speak to me, and it was passed along like a game of telephone. I was a joke, yet if they slept with me, it was treated as if it was a reward.

"Jin and I were close after the breakup, so there were rumors of the two of us still being together but I would go out and see other people. It made me sick to my stomach because even if I were going out on a lot of dates, I wouldn't cheat on someone I'm with." She laughed out of frustration. "But Naho said she couldn't trust me anymore...she called me names and..." trying to coil her legs up to her chest, she buried her face in her palms. I reached for her arm again and squeezed. 

"She spat at my feet, and I never felt so degraded."

" _Spat?_ Miri, as soon as we're out of here, I think you should tell me this girl's address."

She shook her head, smiling sympathetically. "I don't really care about that anymore, it's in the past. I'm just worried about..."

"Who? Say the word and I'll find them! Even if they're out of Japan! I know some people abroad, yeah, I've met them on forums and they've helped with my English and everything. It'll be a piece of cake."

"It's nothing like that...how can I be subtle about it?" she asked herself, chewing her bottom lip before letting out a sigh. "I'm worried of what _you_ think of me."

_Ah...it's so much pressure._

Blinking, I furrowed my brows and sat closer to her, making sure not to topple over the IV drip. "You totally forgot everything I said?"

She didn't respond, only stared.

"Does it matter that much what I think?"

Her shoulders slumped.

"I knew about it the first night we met! Besides, I'm no one to be judging you or your past or your lifestyle, and you know not to rely on what I think of you. Even though you just told me in detail, too..." I leaned forward, examining her tearful, hazel eyes, admiring the freckles along her cheeks, and falling for the way she blushed. "It doesn't change anything! Got it? I don't like seeing you cry. And babe, you really cry a lot."

"...I can't help it."


	35. ⦋ Powerless ⦌

— **_2020_**

 _ **word count** _— _3878_

♫

With Miri's hand in mine, I lightly tapped the tube that led into her skin. After discussing other things briefly, like how I really wanted to see her drive and her reacting in a way that said, 'why?', we were able to move past the subject of her previous ex.

"I'm sure you look totally hot when you drive!" I grinned, tightening my grip on her hand. "And we can go to so many different places together and do a lot of different activities!"

"Huh?" she almost laughed. "It's the first time I ever heard that. Hot when I drive...? Hmm...I guess so..."

"What about you? Isn't it more appealing to you when someone you're with knows how to drive?"

She nodded hesitantly, still appearing unsure of how to answer. It was adorable. "I never thought of it like that. But it would take a lot of pressure off me if my partner knew how to drive, too."

The more I thought of it, the more impressed I grew with how experienced Miri was. She was only a year older yet she'd done so much already; it was hard not to be turned on by it.

_The only thing she can't do is cook, but that could easily be changed._

"Ah...I should learn how to drive, then." I mused aloud. "Hey, Mirichan. Maybe you can teach me how to drive sometime." 

Letting go of my hand, she covered her face timidly. "You want to learn how to drive?"

"Yeah, definitely! I want to take you places where Kaneki and I would go sometimes..."

"There's no need for that...I can take you. Or we can ride there together on bikes."

"Trust me! It'll be fun! You'll be on the passenger's side, watching me drive, cheering me on, and we can end the date in a soba place! Leave it to me, I'll plan the entire thing!" even though I wasn't very good at planning dates.

_Maybe I can ask the other guys for some advice, too..._

"Date, huh?" she snickered. "It's just like you to reword it like that, Nagakchika."

"Yeah, I don't hold back," I smirked, straightening my posture. "So...what was your fourth like?"

"Oh, we're back on that?" her gaze traveled to the window. "My fourth...she was from your uni."

"Ah – Kamii? Would I have known her?"

"I don't think so. Tomiko was Jin's friend...then she suddenly moved sometime last year, I think."

"Way before I even joined the festival committee!"

"Yeah," she laughed gently. "Honestly...the camaraderie between our universities is incredible, and the festivals and events are just as amazing. If it weren't for them...I wouldn't have met you."

I pressed my lips together, containing my smile.

"I also wouldn't have met Tomichan. A part of me thought that we would have stayed together for a really long time, but it was short-lived since she didn't really like having to deal with the long-distance."

"Were you going to France a lot?"

"No, nothing like that. My house was too far...Takayū was too far. I volunteered to see her if she can't come by to see me, and plus we would sometimes all go out as a group, but still. It felt like they were just shallow excuses."

"I'll say," I scoffed as I rolled my eyes. "Our universities are about twenty minutes away from each other just by car! With traffic, at most, forty minutes. And I go everywhere with a bike, so there's about an extra ten to fifteen minutes for me! How far is your place, then?"

"From uni? My house is close to Takayū; a fifteen to twenty-minute drive, but if I were going to visit Kamii, around thirty to forty minutes." She exhaled, exasperated. "I would understand if we lived in completely different Wards, too, but because we live and study too far apart...?"

"Right! That seriously sounds suspicious. Maybe we should investigate?" I raised a brow, hoping to entice her. "You never know! She could have been the leader of a secret drug ring or even part of the Triad!"

Miri bit her lip as she observed me, her brows furrowing. But I could tell she was amused. "I'd hate to bring the boring reality of it all to you, but it couldn't have been..." she stopped halfway, as though another train of thought cut through her memories. 

"You're thinking about it, huh?" I teased, expecting that my words might have triggered something from her subconscious. 'Shallow excuses' sounded too convenient.

She tilted her head, seeming deep in thought. "It _really_ _was_ strange. There are people who would drive for _hours_ just to get laid."

I pointed a finger at her, my eyes widening _._ "Right? Right?!"

" _Et..._ it's not that hard finding people online, _t'sais._ It was easy for me to find you, for example."

"Totally not creeped out by that!"

That time, she couldn't hide her grin. " _Non, sérieusement._ I never...I never found anything about her. I never really went the extra mile in order to find anything, anyway. She was my girlfriend. I _did_ think that there were a few suspicious things, but...I felt that I could trust her."

"Oh, Miri. I don't know if I'm turned on or freaked out!"

Her mind was already too consumed.

"Oi. Oi, Miri!"

She looked at me and blinked. "Huh? Sorry, nothing. Forget about it."

"I'm telling you, she's part of the Triad!"

"And I'm just...maybe it's because I'm an amateur...?"

Waving my hands about, I shook my head, seeing that she really went in on it. "Whatever, whatever! We can figure that out later. We're on the last ex!"

"Right," exhaling heavily, she turned her attention to me. "Naoki. He was my last."

I was curious to know if she had a type. "Were they all half?"

"Well, no. Naoki is half Australian and Tomiko is half American, but the rest were Japanese. Except for Florian, obviously."

"Obviously."

"With Naoki...we were together for around four months. But that was all it took for me to really, really like him."

"How'd you two meet?"

Back at the cabin, Miri apologized for opening up my old wounds when we chatted on the same topic. However, it mostly felt like I was pouring salt in all of hers. From the way her features constantly fell to the half-smiles she attempted to compensate with, she was unhappy talking about her past.

_Yeah, as if having her cry about it didn't make it clear enough._

"We don't have to continue!" I interrupted before she could even speak. "Sorry. We could have stopped earlier...I shouldn't have pushed it."

" _Ce n'est rien._ We're already almost done. I'll keep it short!" she brought her hand out, as though she were counting down the events. "Naoki and I met through Sumichan. We dated for four months, I was totally infatuated. He was a total liar, strung me along. Broke up with him and found out he had been seeing other girls behind my back when I wouldn't have sex with him. That was it."

She said it so nonchalantly, and even added a shrug at the end. Her words repeated in my head for me to completely absorb them.

_Cheated?_

"Ah...hmm..." I gritted my teeth, wondering if there was some foul play from Delafose's side. "So...he's my next target?"

"Next target? Are you a hitman?"

_For you babe, no problem!_

"If only," I forced out a chuckle. "Did Delafose know? Or Jin?"

Miri shook her head. "If Jin found out, he would have probably beat him up."

"As he should!" and I continued on to a rant about how I would've beaten him up, too. "Just send me his location on LINE. I'll manage with the rest!"

"It was...about a year ago. Or a year and a couple of months. Maybe two years? _Je ne sais pas._ "

"You haven't dated since?"

"Nope. A couple of flings after that, but...nothing too deep. It was tiring, _t'sais?_ Sometimes I feel like I've lost the power to love anyone."

I couldn't begin to describe how sad her words made me. "If only we had met when I first joined the festival committee. I could have introduced you to Kaneki, too. He would have really liked you. But of course, I'd ask you out before he would even get the chance to!"

"Really?"

"Yeah," I scratched the back of my head. "I asked out his crush, too. I think that egged him on to like her more, though!"

"Seriously? Why would you do that?"

The memory was a bit fuzzy, but I remembered how cute Touka was, and how suspicious the baristas at Anteiku were. "She took care of us after we were in a car accident." _Or so I've been told._ "I wanted to thank her by buying her dinner!"

"A car accident?! Were you all right after that?"

"Yeah, totally! She did a great job! It was me, Kaneki and my senior, Nishiki-senpai."

"Ah, Nishio-san?" she hummed. 

"You know him?"

"Yeah. He's close with Jin, I think."

_Of course he was._

"So..." she rolled her eyes. "How was the date?"

I told her that we never went on one since Kaneki told me that there had been suspicious characters around the cafe.

Kaneki and I were slowly beginning to drift apart at that point, what with his change in species and his new part-time job at the Ghoul cafe known as Anteiku. It didn't make sense to me; suddenly, it felt like I was in a supernatural manga, and I was the best friend who watched and supported the protagonist from the sidelines.

The idea of Ghouls existing was already so far beyond my comprehension of reality. It was difficult to wrap my head around the concept that we had _known_ and have _met_ Ghouls.

That my best friend was... _turned into one?_

The Ghoul closest to me, other than Kaneki, would be Jin. Even though Miri has ties to the CCG that were unknown to me, they both knew of each other's backgrounds. She was essentially a double agent.

_How could she want to protect the Ward but at the same time protect the enemy?_

With that being said, the Ghouls that we had known weren't really a threat. Compared to the other Wards, the 20th Ward was pretty safe. Doves were scattered in different areas, patrolling several shady locations. Ghouls here would know to avoid them. If it were simple enough for _me_ to figure out their patrolling route, a smart Ghoul would have picked it up just as easily.

Then again, Ghouls mostly thought of their next meal, if I had learned anything from Cain.

Except for him and a couple of others that found difficulty in blending in, Kaneki, Jin, Touka, the rest of the Anteiku staff (or what was left of them after the battle), posed no _real_ threat to the dwellers of the Ward.

Miri and I continued to chat for a while, and she asked me if I had dated any foreigners before. I said that I hadn't, although it was all I thought of when I first started university. Having a foreign girlfriend who was good at English would not have only been helpful, but fun, too.

But instead, I was developing strong feelings for someone who could barely speak a word in English.

♫

As time went on, Miri had gone in and out of sleep three times. They were little naps; four minutes, to ten, to seven, all cut short by her sudden consciousness. It was odd and worried me to an extent. As if she were being shocked to wakefulness.

"Are you having bad dreams?" I sat on the chair on the other side of her bed again, resting my elbows near her leg as I followed her sleep patterns. I wanted to talk more, but I knew she needed to rest.

It was twenty minutes past eight. We had been at the hospital for around two hours, but Miri had only slept for a few minutes. I could just imagine how much she was itching to get up and move.

What I couldn't imagine is where everyone else was.

_Did they really need more than two hours to get ready, pack everything up and get here?_

"Sometimes," she smiled faintly. "I can't tell if I'm still full of adrenaline or..." before meeting my gaze, she glanced at her hand. "I don't know. I'll just have to find a way to sleep."

"I can go out if that would help!"

"No, no. I'm more comfortable with you here." Her words were so heartfelt and genuine that I almost didn't know how to respond. Usually, I would tease her, but for some reason, I had gone back to when she was utterly drunk in the bedroom – to when she didn't hold back on her emotions.

_She must be tired._

But...other than that drunken night, she approached me at the end of the festival and revealed that she wanted to be friends. Despite that, it was an accumulation of brief moments in my head where Miri expressed herself without saying anything outright.

 _Calling me when she's free. Texting me when she's busy. Calling me again before she went to bed. Waking me up with another call in the morning. Decreasing her smoking habits. Randomly kissing me in a_ very _non-_ La-Bise _kind of way. Sleeping on my lap. Sleeping on my shoulder. Staring at me. Flirting with me. Defending me when Norio-senpai would poke fun at me. Going out with me when she could, even though she almost always had her hands full._

 _For god's sake, she didn't have to, but she wore those over-knee-socks just for_ me.

In fact, nothing needed to be said.

_And yet, I just want her as my girlfriend. There were more perks as a boyfriend, duh!_

_Hearing certain things from her...would drive me insane. In a good way._

A knock on the door salvaged the abrupt, awkward situation. I shot up, the metal chair screeching against the floor and making both Miri and I cringe at the sound. When I turned around, the strange, zombie-like nurse stood at the door, looking in on us and entering with a garment in hand.

"Good morning, sir. I have the gown that you requested earlier."

My heart thumped as I leaned against Miri's bed. "Ah, thank you very much!" I bowed then shook my head. "But her gown is totally fine now. I managed to fix the issue!"

"But, sir," the nurse strode forward, making all the alarm bells in my head ring. "You said that the buttons wouldn't clasp. I'll need you to leave the room so I can change her."

Her tone was as strangely robotic as her movements.

Raising my hands up and waving them, I declined once more. "There's no need! Look, she's totally fine in her clothes. It fits." I stepped aside and gestured to Miri. "See?"

"Hide?" Miri hummed curiously.

"Right!" I raised my voice, shifting my gaze to the open door. "So, is Lucien-sensei coming back soon? I think we'll need him to check the drip and give us another evaluation. He's a looker, isn't he? Not many good looking surgeons in the hospitals I've gone to, y'know. Have you taken some rest?"

The nurse appeared impatient as she advanced towards me and almost pushed me aside.

"No, no, she's totally fine!!"

"Chikako-san." a calm, smooth voice came from the doorway.

The nurse and I both looked over our shoulders to see the surgeon, Lucien. His features remained neutral, despite him addressing Chikako in a stern manner. He entered the room with a warm smile.

"What's the issue?" he asked, gazing at her.

"The patient requested a new gown," said nurse Chikako through clenched teeth. "So I'm here to change her out of it, but the guest refuses to leave."

"No, not at all!" I hurried to the other side of Miri's bed and gently held the fabric. 

Miri appeared startled and confused. "Um...?"

_You trust me, right Miri?_

"It fits her perfetly! She doesn't need a new one at all! But I want to know of any news about her evaluation results, or if you needed to come back here to run a new test or something."

Lucien, at that moment, must have picked up on the urgency in my voice. His pale, lavender eyes observed the nurse at his right, before seeing the empty foam cups on the bedside table.

There was a slight shift in his features before his smile returned once more.

"It's all right, Chikako-san." And still, his tone was warm and friendly, giving me the impression that he must assure his patients a comforting stay. 

But the fierceness in his eyes told a different tale. Glaring at the nurse, he held his hand out for the piece of clothing. "There's no need for that. I'll give you a call if I need you. For now, Mayu-san is requesting your assistance in room 29. It was fortunate that I found you here since you haven't checked your phone."

The nurse made her emotions no secret as she let out a huff and passed the clothes to him. As she stormed out, I absentmindedly let out the sigh of relief I was holding in.

" _C'est chelou."_ Miri mumbled as I moved away, allowing the surgeon to take my place. He pulled out another bag of liquid from his large pocket and replaced the empty one in one swift motion.

"If you do feel the need to change," he grinned at her as he spoke, while the nurse from this morning entered the room. _Not Chikako._ "I've kept the second pair on the chair. Yui-san, may you lower the bed? Slowly, of course."

I felt like I was in the way of everyone, but neither of the two told me to leave.

Obeying Lucien's orders, nurse Yui headed near the window and pressed on one of the buttons on the side of Miri's bed. It emitted a low buzz as her top half lowered.

"Although I don't think it'll be necessary, seeing as you're free to leave once that's done." He pointed at the drip.

"How long will it take?" Miri asked, clearing her throat as she looked at me. I moved to the foot of her bed, resting my hands on the cold metal.

"Forty-five minutes to an hour. I recommend you rest. And by rest, I mean sleep." He flashed me a look before addressing Miri again. "I'm going to try and move your leg a bit. I'll walk you through what I mentioned earlier to take your mind off any sudden pain. All right?"

Miri hesitated briefly but then agreed in a hum. Lucien lifted her leg and her gown fell back, making my cheeks burn.

_There's that baby blue._

I covered most of my face in embarrassment, forcing my thoughts to Lucien's words.

"Does it hurt?" he inquired, raising her limb higher.

"It's just a dull ache right now." She answered, swallowing her words with a sharp inhale as he bent her knee. "Ah!"

I twitched, feeling the need to do something as I stepped to the nurse's side. But there was nothing I could do.

"My apologies," he murmured. "It'll only take a few seconds." His large hand made its way to her thigh, causing a strange wave of bitterness to come over me. I bit the insides of my lips as he continued to speak. "As I mentioned earlier, antibiotics and pain relievers, all right? You'll need to stay away from any harrowing exercises, and anything that would cause an increased amount of stress in your legs."

"Isn't that...what you're doing right now?" Miri panted with her arm over mouth.

Lucien chuckled in response. "Speaking of...you'll need to see a physical therapist. There are exercises that you can do, but they wouldn't befit your current routine."

One look at Miri and you could tell that she had an intense workout schedule; it was no surprise that the surgeon took note of it.

"If possible, consulting your trainer regarding your current condition may be more beneficial compared to seeing a new one altogether, once your physical therapy sessions have finished. A lot of it will be mentally challenging," Lucien went on. His voice, already soft, somehow softened. "I can recommend a psychiatrist that'll be able to help."

"That's fine," Miri replied, gritting her teeth. "I already...have one."

He nodded. "It's good to be able to speak to someone you've already been acquainted with a long time ago. After looking over your blood samples, I became curious as to what your diet is like."

"Is it bad?" the light in Miri's eyes changed as she asked the question. It was almost playful.

Lucien reciprocated with a snicker. "Just a little."

Miri laughed modestly. "Umeshu. Cigarettes. Water."

"Hm? Does Nagachika-san not take care of you?"

Their eyes darted to my direction. I raised my brows and shook my hands. "Of course, of course I do!"

_Way to put me on the spot, Miri!_

But it was true that Miri didn't really look after herself that well. She was fit, however ultimately reckless, and would often forget to eat. That much could be said, even in the short time that I'd properly known her.

Just like how Kaneki was lousy at taking care of himself. Especially during that time...

"I've eaten better," Miri said, thankfully drawing their attention away from me. "Within the past two days."

"I would recommend seeing a nutritionist, if possible." Advised Lucien.

"It's just...I leave really early and get home late, too exhausted to eat."

"With university, extracurriculars, a part-time job, and training," I mentioned, crossing my arms and frowning. "It's hard to balance everything, right?"

"Mhm...after what Hide said before, I thought of dropping my minor courses, but I'm so close to graduating that I'm afraid all the hard work I've put into it will be for nothing."

_Graduating?_

"It's not for nothing," Lucien debated, taking the lead. "It's for your health. Having a minor may also delay your graduation if you are behind on completing your hours."

"Mmm...I'll need to think on it more."

After some time, Lucien declared that he would be coming back in nearly forty-five minutes to an hour for another check-up and to try having her walk, first without the cane, and a little bit with it. Nurse Yui pulled the blanket over Miri as the surgeon practically ordered her to sleep, and requested that I stay outside.

The patient, however, wished otherwise.

"I'm relaxed if Hide's with me."

It melted my heart, and I forced my smile to remain mild.

Respecting her desires, Lucien and Yui nodded and stated that there was a mini-fridge behind the TV cabinet, where there were water bottles and juice boxes. I shook my head, facepalming as they left the room and closed the door behind them.

I picked up the metal chair and placed it on the opposite side of Miri's bed, where the machine and IV drip stood. She wondered why, and I simply said that there was no railing on this side. Giggling the way she always did, she lowered herself slightly. The last thing she said before dozing off was "thank you."


	36. ｛ Delicate ｝

— _**2020  
**_

 _**word count** _ _— 2551_

**_[Mirélle]_ **

❀

My reputation was never the best.

Not caring about the rumors, the gossip, and the drama was a conscious effort that I had made when I was a teenager. After the foundations of my home had fractured, I found comfort in what was known to most as 'a dark path'.

The solace was all I had wanted and yearned for, and it was only formed in the embrace of an endless loop of alcohol, sex, and drugs.

It wasn't as bad as it sounded to an outsider; it wasn't as though I had no control over my life. I wasn't an addict or an alcoholic, nor was I sex-crazed. Besides, I only fucked when the night was too lonely and simply too lovely to be spent alone.

_So lonely that I couldn't sleep. So lonely that I couldn't just grit my teeth and bear it. Even so, being relaxed enough to fall into a deep slumber was still out of my reach._

_It was just a side-effect, what I was feeling. An error in my software or something._

_After all, misery does love company._

_But everyone gets lonely. It's not a special feeling._

The strangers were ever so tender, considerate, and gentle – even those that bragged about it. Whether it was back in high school, or from Takayū, or Kamii; I was usually their first, yet they were never self-serving. They had always been so cute, so innocent, so easy.

It wasn't an agreeable lifestyle, but it was one that I grew content with.

Memories of those nights fluttered to my attention, and I smiled fondly, however, an abrupt tickle at the side of my wrist had me open my eyes to see Hide, sound asleep with his head in his folded arms. 

_So cute. So innocent. So easy._

We didn't have sex, but he had said that I was his first.

_So sweet. So thoughtful. So kind._

_And such a flirt._

What difference did it make? I was the first for many – their first girlfriend, first kiss, first fuck.

_He must be uncomfortable, sleeping like that..._

But of course, the difference was in his everlasting positivity and persistence.

_Can't I get that through my thick skull?_

Watching him and having him on my mind brought up another occurrence, one that had happened when I sobered up, after the spat between Hide and Sumie.

Jin and I had stood on the balcony together, smoking away what was left of our stress and cracking jokes about at the hickeys on my neck.

"Shit, those are huge." He had laughed, powering through his coughs. "Hide went all out!"

My face was on fire; the cold wind was no match for the heat. I'd touched my neck, not recalling their location nor their size, but still feeling euphoric at the thought. The reminiscence was a blur. Nevertheless, a part of me felt pleased that it had happened, complete and utter humiliation and guilt aside.

_Hide kissed me so much...fuck, I wish I could remember it._

"So," Jin continued, exhaling a wide puff of smoke. "Are you two dating now?"

"What gives you that idea?" I had asked, raising a brow.

"Your neck, obviously."

"No. I told you, I was drunk. Completely-out-of-it kind of drunk."

"And you didn't talk about it when you sobered up?"

"I mean..." I'd hesitated. "Hide did...confess."

Jin had choked on the smoke and had to repeatedly swallow before he could speak again. I had to bite my lip not to laugh. 

"He _what? Confessed?_ As in, _confessed_ that he _likes_ you?"

" _Yes_." Despite feeling rather tense, my laughter had broken through. "What else would he be confessing about?"

"Holy shit. Props to his courage."

"Don't you think it's a bit too early to be confessing?" My question almost felt rhetorical, since I already had my own answer regarding the entire scenario. However, I had hoped that Jin could somehow bring it to me in a different light, one where I didn't need to agonize over it for days.

"Well, taking into consideration how close you two have become, of course...I don't think so. Shit..." he shook his head, still amazed. "Way to go, Hide. And what about you? How do you feel? Is it too soon for you?"

"To be honest...it is. But somehow, it also isn't."

"It wouldn't be you if you knew what you wanted."

" _Tais-toi."_ I had run my fingers through my hair, irritated."Anyway, we had a long conversation and I told him that I needed time to think about it."

"Shit, rejected? And...? How did he take it?"

"I didn't _reject_ him! But eventually, after everything was said, he told me that he'd wait for me."

"Wow." Jin had muttered, turning to face me. "That's not what I expected."

"Me neither." Genuinely, I thought that Hide would move on to the next one, or even ask out Sumie.

"No, really," he urged for some reason, even though I had already believed him. "I actually wanted to warn you of his antics and tell you that you might've been better off forgetting about him."

My heart had pounded as Jin spoke, revealing to me how Hide was a skirt-chaser, that my emotions and heart weren't entirely secure if I were to fall for him since Jin knew how much that type of thing would upset me.

"I'm not implying that he'd cheat on you if you two were to ever start dating, but knowing how habitual it is of him to check girls out and ask them out on dates made me want to discuss it with you. We already talked to Hide about it when he first expressed interest in you, too."

_Right. The weird argument between Sumie, Hide, Jin, and Fujisaki when I had gone out for a cigarette. Ridiculous._

"Why didn't you tell me this three weeks ago when all I wanted was a one-night-stand, then?" I had demanded, glaring at his stupid sunglasses. "You _and_ Sumichan insisted that I see him as a dating option or whatever."

"You laughed a lot when he hung out with us and you seemed to hit it off right away. I..." his voice trailed off as he gazed at the ground below us. "I like seeing you happy. I haven't seen you laugh like that in a while."

"Then you shouldn't have brought it up, don't you think? You practically held us both by the collar and said 'now kiss'." I'd stated, which resulted in him grinning. "And so what if he does that? I'm the same, if not worse. Flirting is like breathing for me. Or are you forgetting _all_ of my conquests?"

With a half-hearted chuckle, Jin had taken a deep inhale. "How could I forget? On the wildest nights, I was the one you'd puke on instead of your date. But I'm curious...are you seriously considering being with Hide? As in, dating him?"

I'd bit my lip and stared at the cigarette between my fingers, slowly eating away at itself. "Is it so bad that I am? I'm...comfortable around him, and we became really close. He feels like..."

"Yeah," Jin had agreed, regardless of the unfinished sentence. "You're _really_ close to him. You're kind of already a couple."

"No, we're _not."_ I had to force a frown along my features because I knew that all I wanted to do was giggle. I was already scatterbrained at the thought.

_Did I like him to that extent? Or was it the idea of getting a boyfriend after two years that got me excited?_

"Well, to most of us, you already are. Yamashiro sees it. I see it. Even Hana-san sees it."

"What's up with that?" I'd tried hiding my smile, which only felt like it was stretching. "If you and the others see it that way then that's you and them...Hide and I aren't dating..."

"Yet." He'd teased, tugging at my sleeve, and I'd let out the glee that was bubbling up inside me.

I scoffed at the memory as my eyelids got heavy. The beat of my heart slowed down, nearly to a stop, while the sound of quick footsteps in the hallway helped in alerting me. Shaking my head as my heartbeat quickened, I let out a sigh of weariness. It almost felt like my soul was leaving my body like I was floating towards the doorway in order to see if it were my surgeon or someone else.

It felt like I was floating for a long time.

Then there was talking. Muffled, fuzzy. One of the voices was loud, erratic; while the other spoke in hushed tones as if trying to keep a secret. The voices continued for what felt like thirty minutes before a set of brash footsteps stomped around the corridor. They stopped for a brief moment and then continued to the other direction.

I breathed, getting up from the bed and looking down the hall, only to realize that I was still bedridden; the feeling must've been a simulation of my drained mind. Drained, but still thinking. 

A half quiet hum broke out of my chest as I wondered whether it was the head Ghoul.

_I'm too tired to move. I'm moving my fingers right now, am I not? Am I moving anything at all?_

I didn't think that I was; I was losing grip of materiality. Sleep was something that I had needed, but I didn't want to go just yet – I just wanted to look at him longer.

_This emotional shift is jarring._

There was no doubt in my mind that we were in a Ghoul hospital. The entire staff was Ghouls, and my surgeon, the 'too good-looking' Dr. Lucien, was a Ghoul.

_The head Ghoul in this place._

_Funny. Once you know a Ghoul, somehow, they're easier to spot._

But they were Ghouls blending in with humans – they were Ghouls on human duty. Lucien knew better than to unleash a pack of hungry Ghouls at the two of us; the Tsukiyama's wouldn't hire such an amateur to begin with. The rest of the staff, however...

The nurse that entered earlier to dress me in new clothing was a starving Ghoul, and Hide, quite colorfully, described her as a zombie. It was one way to put it without saying anything too realistic outright; too horrifying, too close to home.

He was quick to realize the truth of the hospital, too, long before I did. He ended up sticking paper-clips on the back of my gown. Perhaps it was all planned out in his head so that there wouldn't be a chance of she and I being alone in the room together, and Lucien entered at the perfect moment. Hide thought on his feet then, too.

_So sharp. So sexy._

_So benevolent._

In spite of everything between us, a sudden rush of anger had me gritting my teeth.

 _I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night. Hide wouldn't lie to me about what happened and I don't doubt what he said, but_ _I shouldn't have gotten so wasted._

My mind drew a blank as I forced the puzzle pieces together; puzzle pieces that clearly didn't even belong to the same picture. Relying partly on muscle memory, the sensation of Hide's face in my hand was all that I could summon.

_OK. I saw Sumie before they left, and Hide laid down next to me, at some point._

_Ugh...fuck me._

What absolutely stupefied me was _how_ Hide contained himself, and _why_ didn't he jump at the chance to have sex with me when I had thrown myself at him multiple times?

_Anyone would. Was I just...not hot enough?_

I shook my head, feeling silly.

 _He said he wanted to_ after _all the couple stuff, but I should put in more of an effort anyway._

 _He genuinely wanted to be with..._ me?

_I think I..._

Two years ago, I had fallen for a senior. Uehara Naoki. He was the last that I had been emotionally intimate with and disclosed my past to. He stole my heart and took my breath away, proclaiming that he couldn't care less about what happened. He proceeded to break down all my walls with the aspiration to escalate my vulnerability; it was never mentioned out loud, but it was as clear as day, after the fact. He was well aware of my dilemmas when it came to having faith in someone; well aware that I needed time to trust him, love him, and give myself to him.

He granted me that time. For a while. Four months, to be exact.

Next thing I knew, he had shattered every piece of me that remained from the damages before him. It wasn't bad, at first; I had understood his reasonings, which had to do with graduating, pursuing his dreams abroad, and getting away from the Ghouls. What had me itching from the inside out was the certainty in his presence and the lack of balance between his words and his actions.

"I'm leaving." He had said, yet still spent time with my best friend, Sumie. Yet he was still in Tokyo.

It felt like a dream when Sumie told me the real reason.

_No, not a dream. A nightmare._

 _"_ _The girl he's with now pretty much put out on their first date."_

 _I didn't care. I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to know that he had already found someone new. That the only thing he wanted was sex and "_ _waited"_ _for four months_ _. That he broke my heart to fuck someone else, just because I wouldn't._

The incident only fueled further doubt and suspicion when it came to those that wanted something more than a one-night-stand. Everyone around me saw it; everyone around me experienced it with me.

_The current situation with Hide...was it any different?_

Time had come when I finally concluded that I simply was too weary to feel anything so deep for anyone, anymore. After Naoki, I was stripped of all my strength. The concept of sharing myself and my life with someone felt too high school, for some reason. Love was a stupid fantasy that sixteen-year-old me would have absolutely swooned over, while I grew into a sardonic young-adult.

_Until..._

I gazed at Hide, wondering if it would be too much to play with his hair, wondering what he'd say if he caught me staring at him.

_As if. I already know what he'd say._

_"Am I just that handsome, babe?"_

_...I can't believe he called me 'babe'. Twice! The 'boyfriend' narrative must have really gotten to his head. Not that I minded, frankly. Hideyoshi, my boyfriend..._

Hesitantly, I brought my fingers to his hair and softly caressed it, terrified at the thought of him waking up. Distorted, drunken memories resurfaced in glimpses – flashbacks of my hands in his hair and my nails on his naked back. It compelled me to retract my fingers, and it felt like I was watching someone else's life. The jealousy that followed was even more absurd.

_Is it all right that you're in my head? Or is it still too soon?_

With a sigh, I bit my lip and forced my eyes shut once more, obscenely blithe as the sound of his voice replayed in my head.

My reputation was never the best.

_He must like me for me._

_...But I wasn't ready._


	37. ⦋ Opposite Ends ⦌

  
  
  
— **_2020_**

 ** _word count_** — _3512_

♫

Sometime around fifteen minutes after 9 AM, I woke up to roaring, indistinct voices that came from outside of the room. Miri was still sound asleep, radiant in the face of the morning sunlight. I had no intention of waking her up.

_Besides, she was too cute to disturb._

My lips stretched into a smile as I watched her, but the continued yelling disrupted the moment of peace. Wondering if I were half-asleep, I rubbed my eyes and stretched as I stood up.

_This can't be good._

Gently opening the door, I poked my head out, greeted by the same vacancy as before. Only this time, there was an echo. Deciding between stepping out and staying in the room made me anxious; my theories were baseless, but I couldn't help latching on to them. There was no other explanation my mind could come up with. Unless, if in fact, we were in a normal hospital.

But it pointed everything in the supernatural's direction.

_Could they be any less discreet? What with running this kind of hospital, you'd think their outbursts and hunger would be the first thing they'd have under control._

What if it wasn't that kind of hospital at all?

Knowing that we had stayed in a place owned by the Tsukiyama's, perhaps the entire area belonged to...

_Ghouls._

_Even the man at the gate–could he have been a Ghoul, too? Did we just spend an entire weekend in a lion's den?_

The voices came from somewhere near the cafeteria. It didn't sound like the door was closed properly.

_So under-prepared..._

"I barely touched her!" a woman screeched.

I desperately perked my ears to their conversation, but it was in vain, and I could only hear tidbits of what was being said.

"...a disgrace." Said a male voice.

_Chikako-san. Yui-san. Lucien-sensei. The other nurses. The administrator. Who else is with them?_

Even though I yearned to find out, I knew I couldn't leave Miri alone in the room.

With my heart in my throat, I closed the door quietly and headed back to the brunette who was suddenly awake with her hand up, gazing at the sun through her fingers.

"When did you wake up?" I asked as I took my seat.

"Just now." She beamed, lowering her arm. Taking in a deep breath, she turned to face me entirely. "It's nice to see you instead of text or call you."

I sheepishly scratched the back of my head. "We can have a sleepover if that's how you feel."

"That sounds like a lot of fun. This weekend maybe?"

_Wow, look at me go!_

Leaning forward, I rested my chin on my hands. "Hm, I'll have my assistant make an appointment for further discussion." She was adorable when she laughed. "But first, how's your leg, Mirichan?"

" _Much_ better." She said, lifting her leg slightly. However, she winced a little. "Was Lucien-sensei out there?"

"No. I think we shou—"

The door burst open and I jumped out of my seat and squared my shoulders, witnessing Miri sit up whilst wiping her face from weariness. A somewhat elderly man and woman, who appeared to be in her late thirties, stormed in almost at the same time.

"... _Hein?_ Kaiser-san? Ganaha-san?" Miri glanced at me before turning to them again. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

 _Miri knew_ _these weirdos...?_

"Uchisan! We were so worried about you," the woman, who had short violet hair and grey eyes, cried, her gloved hands clasped on her chest as she rushed to Miri's side. "Even Lee worried about you! Do you _know_ the violations he had gone through to get us here? It got us in a kerfuffle with the police!"

"K...kerfuffle? Who called you?" Miri's voice was barely audible. "This hospital...it's at least an hour from home."

"Delafose-san called us," announced the man, patting down the silver sides of his black hair. His bright blue eyes met mine, shooting daggers at me with a glare. "She told us where you were and what happened. Who's this fool? Is he the reason you're in here?"

"A-ah, no, no!" blurted out Miri, pushing herself off the bed even further as the man advanced toward my direction.

"Uchisan, are you all right?" the woman continued to whine, leaning over the bed. "Oh my, your neck...!" she looked at me and I held my breath. "You, too?! I thought it was just a bullet wound!"

Miri's voice was shaking as she hid her hickeys. "No, my neck is fine—"

"What did you do?!" the man growled, all but lunging at me.

_What the heck?!_

"Sir! I didn't do anything, sir!" raising my hands up, I retreated and shook my head vigorously, hitting the window behind me.

"Kaiser-san!" Miri exclaimed, and all I could think of was her leg and blood pressure. "He's the one who helped me when I got shot! He took care of me!"

Before the man could continue on to rant with his hands already waving about, Miri introduced us to each other in a rush.

"Kaiser-san, Ganaha-san, this is Nagachika Hideyoshi. Hide...this is my butler, Kaiser-san, and my maid, Ganaha-san."

It felt like someone had slapped me as I grew lightheaded from the distress. Not only that, though; the revelation that she had a butler and a maid took the words right out of my mouth. Just when I thought it was haggling enough having to deal with Ghouls, trying to be with someone from such a higher status and a distinct class somehow made things even more hair-raising.

_And would this "Lee" person be her driver?!_

_...We're definitely from two different worlds._

"Just Hide is fine!" After bowing a complete ninety degrees and greeting them as properly as I knew how to, Ganaha, her maid, let out a slight gasp.

"Nagachika... _this_ is Nagachika?" there was an oddly negative connotation to her question. Taking into consideration Miri's exes, and Miri's general prestige, I honestly couldn't blame Ganaha if she were disappointed at the sight of me.

"A-ah," Miri sounded unsure. Her finger rested upon her temple, and her expression read as disbelief. "Um, mm. Mhm. Yes. Yeah, this is him."

_This probably isn't the best time to be meeting them, understandably..._

Ganaha's grey eyes met mine, and she grinned widely, bowing back. "Nice to meet you, Nagachika-san! I've heard a lot about you! Uchisan can't stop—"

"Ah-ah! Anyway!" Miri blundered, stumbling through her words, not knowing what to do with her hands. It wasn't too hard to put it two and two together.

_She talks about me at home...huh?_

_Cute!_

"Did _he_ do this to you?" Kaiser demanded as he pointed at Miri's neck, the vein on his forehead throbbing.

"No, no! They're just..." Miri stammered, her eyes rapidly searching around the room as though seeking an excuse.

"Jellyfish!" the word jumped out of my mouth without a second thought.

"What?" Ganaha questioned, squinting her eyes at the both of us. Miri frowned at me, but her expression remained embarrassed and pleading.

_Trust me!_

"The chalet!" I continued, puffing out my chest. "The koi pond at the chalet had some baby jellyfish!"

"You bathed in the koi pond?" Kaiser, the butler, questioned, appearing at least _slightly_ convinced.

"Y-yeah," Miri went along with it, scratching the back of her neck. "We thought it would be fun, but we got stung..."

_Good narrative!_

" _Wirklich,_ Uchiyama-san." The—apparently somewhat German—man sighed, facepalming. At least he believed it. "You didn't think of that before getting into the pond?"

"Jellyfish..." Ganaha appeared sharper compared to Kaiser; her eyes glinted against the reflection of the sun as she continued to study the bruises on our necks, crossing her arms. There was a faint hint of a smile along the corners of her lips. If she had been wearing glasses, they would shine at this point.

_Yeah, she didn't buy that one bit._

"B-but anyway, seriously," Miri said, trying to wave her discomfort aside and moving past the topic. "I understand that Sumichan told you I was here, but there was no need for you to come...Jin was going to drop me back home after everything here was done."

Kaiser clicked his tongue and shook his head. " _We_ will take you home." He eyed me suspiciously still. " _Offensichtlich."_

"All my stuff is still with Jin," Miri attempted once again. "I...I wanna go with my friends."

"Sorry, Uchi-san. We'll be taking you home; the sooner we leave, the better." Ganaha completed, toning down the friendliness in her features. "Jin-san can drop your things off later on. I got you a change of clothes, too."

Kaiser held out a duffle bag, one that appeared too big to only be carrying clothing.

"And Hide?" Miri questioned, her voice lowering like she didn't want to ask.

"He can wait here for the rest of your friends." Griped Kaiser.

"Yeah!" I nodded in agreement, scratching my nose. "That sounds good to me!"

"That makes no sense," argued Miri. "If I leave after speaking with Lucien-sensei, why would my friends come by?"

"To pick up this Nagoya kid!" Kaiser threw his hands up impatiently.

" _Nagachika,"_ corrected Miri before they continued to quarrel.

_You're just a fly on the wall, Hide...just a fly on the wall..._

"OK. How about we take Hide with us? We can drop him off–his apartment is on the way home, _je pense._ " Suggested Miri, and I wondered why. "What do you think, Hide?"

Even though I wanted to go with her, I shook my head, getting nervous about how their gazes bore into me. "It's all right, Mirichan! I don't want to trouble anyone."

"Good," Kaiser grunted. "It's settled, then. I'll call th—"

"No," Miri persisted, reaching for a necklace that wasn't there and opting to fumble with the collar of her gown. "Wait, I mean–it's no trouble, right, Ganaha-san? If his house is on the way back home...it's no trouble to drop him off, right?"

The sincerity in her tone yanked at my heartstrings.

Ganaha hummed for a moment, tilting her head slightly. "You'll have to ask Lee and relay the directions to him. He'll decide since he's the one driving."

"Okay." Miri murmured in defeat, nodding slowly.

Kaiser rolled his eyes as he let out an exasperated exhale. "I will ask one of the nurses for your doctor. What was his name?"

"Lucien-sensei."

As Kaiser turned for the door, Ganaha followed in his steps, picking up the plastic bag of Miri's belongings. When she was at the threshold, her straight violet hair swung as she glanced at Miri over her shoulder. "I will discuss your payments at the counter. Your wallet's in here, right? With your ID?"

"Mhm."

Ganaha left without saying another word.

Miri sighed and looked down at her hands, pinching her fingers.

"You didn't have to," I muttered, returning to her side. "I wouldn't have minded waiting for Jin and the rest."

"It's the least I could do." She said, avoiding my gaze.

' _For someone who's pretty observant, you somehow failed to pick up this hint.'_

_...Of course, imaginary Kaneki hit the nail on the head._

Inhaling, I reached for Miri’s hand but got interrupted by the buzzing of the phone in my pocket. I gritted my teeth as I picked up the call.

“Hello?”

“Nagachika!” Yamashiro was on the other end, panting. “Where are you? We just arrived at the hospital.”

_Man, it took you long enough!_

“Yamashiro, calm down a bit.” I turned to Miri, but she didn’t look up. “Uh, we’re in room 127, ground flo—”

She hung up before I could finish my sentence.

With a sigh, I put my phone back into my pocket and sat on Miri’s bed again.

“I guess all seven of them will barge in at any minute now.” I chuckled, hoping to cheer her up. “Savor the silence.”

She scoffed and lifted her head, but her eyes still focused on her fingers. “I’m sorry about them,” she said, scratching the polish off her nails. “They raised me since I was fourteen, so they’re overprotective.”

“Hmm...” I leaned back, and she looked at me. I couldn’t read her expression, but I knew she was upset. “Don’t apologize for that. I don’t even know what you’re apologizing for. You’re so confusing. You confuse me.”

“ _You’re_ confused?” she smiled at last. “ _I’m_ confused. Jellyfish, Hide?”

“What? They believed it! I mean, at least your butler did. Your maid had some...psychic abilities and realized what they were.”

“Of course!” she shook her head, but her grin stretched. _So cute._ “Are we going to use that when the group asks us the same question? Would they believe it?”

“Any better ideas?”

“How about a curling iron? A straightener?”

“...Oh.”

“I thought of it _after_ your jellyfish story. Seriously, Hide...” she ran her fingers through her hair.

“See? At least I had one on the spot! They wouldn’t have believed you if you took your time with your answer, y’know.” I poked her leg repeatedly and she almost squealed but giggled instead.

“Oi! What did I say about tickling me?” she said, trying to slap my palm away.

“All I did was poke you!”

“ _Arée!_ I’m ticklish _t’sais!_ Stop! Stop!” she held my hand just then, and I pressed my lips together to contain my smile.

The sweet moment was short-lived as an abrupt commotion echoed from the corridor.

“Mimi!” Yamashiro’s voice was the first I heard. Not long afterward, the _entire_ group poured into the room.

We let go of each other’s hands as I stood up and faced the redhead who wasted no time in engulfing Miri in her arms. Looking up, I noticed that Jin wasn’t with them.

“What held you back?” I asked, not directing the question to anyone in particular.

Domoto answered, holding Esashi’s hand as they strolled to the foot of Miri’s bed. _At least they made up_. “We had to clean up the place. We can’t just up and leave.”

Miri huffed. “Ah, _putain de merde._ I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine! You got _shot_ for crying out loud!” Yamashiro continued.

“Uchisan?!” Norio’s voice boomed as he pushed through Delafose and Akagawa. “Your leg!”

Without a second thought, he yanked Miri’s blanket off—

“ _Yah! Fujisaki!”_ she screamed, pulling her gown over her thighs. “ _C’est quoi ce bordel?!”_

“Uh...” Norio stuttered and froze, unsure of what to do.

_Idiot..._

Shaking my head, I reached for the blanket at the same time that Yamashiro did and covered up Miri’s legs.

But Yamashiro gasped as she let go. “Oh my God, your neck. Oh...” her voice trailed off into a giggle as she looked at me, and I couldn’t help but blush.

“What?” Akagawa stepped forward, towering over Yamashiro and Norio. It only took one glimpse for him to scoff and shake his head as if he wasn’t entirely surprised.

However, before I knew it, they were all cackling and snorting.

“It was the jellyfish!” exclaimed Miri, burying her face in her hands.

“Jellyfish?” Domoto guffawed. “Who told you to say that? Nagachika?”

Miri groaned. I lowered my head and rubbed my brows, putting my hand inside my pocket. “There _are_ jellyfish in the koi pond, y’know!”

“Don’t tell me this is why you covered your necks in the house,” Domoto continued, adjusting his thick square glasses. “And that there was a lot of drama just because of a few lovebites.”

“Lovebites?” questioned Norio, snapping out of his daze as his eyes bounced between Miri and me. “Where?”

“Right _there!”_ Yamashiro said, lifting Miri’s chin and showing off the red splotches around her neck. Miri tilted her entire body away from the redhead, clicking her tongue.

“And _there!”_ Yamashiro continued, pointing straight at me.

Domoto couldn’t stop laughing as he checked out the brunette. “Fuckin’ hell, Nagachika! That’s almost the size of Hana’s hand!”

And because of his contagious snicker, Yamashiro cried out, too. “Right?! But look at Nagachika’s neck! Mimi, have a bit of mercy!”

As they continued to crack jokes, Delafose stepped forward, taking a peek at Miri. An odd expression masked her features as she gazed at me, attempting to smile through the plain aggression in her eyes.

Once she turned away, I shifted my gaze to a bewildered Miri. I wanted to hold her.

“Ah...what do we have here?” said a smooth, familiar voice. “I suppose it is visiting hours.”

The laughter within the small room simmered down to a stop as everyone turned to see the source of sound. Lucien strolled in, appearing to make an entrance, while the nurse, Yui, followed close behind him with an elbow crutch in her arms. He bowed as he greeted them, and they bowed back.

“This may seem rude,” he said, hiding a smile behind his hand. “But we will need the room if you please. You can stay, since you are closely associated with the patient, Nagachika-san.”

_This man...is a Ghoul? He’s way too nice to be a creature that’s so aggressive._

“Closely associated...?” Yamashiro questioned Mirélle with a smirk.

_Then again, the same could be said about Jin._

_I would have thought the same about Nishiki-senpai, too..._

_Scary._

Everyone was quick to bob their heads in agreement and exited. However, Lucien laid a hand on Norio’s shoulder, stopping him from leaving.

“Ah, Fujisaki-san?” He questioned, his brows raising.

“Yes?” Norio responded, looking up at the tall man and realizing who it was. “Oh, Lucien-sensei? This is the branch you work at?”

_Do they know each other?_

_...Norio, too? He can’t be..._

Lucien nodded. “Yes, it’s good to see you. You’re an acquaintance of the patient?”

“Yes.”

“What a small world.” Lucien grinned.

“You mean small ‘Ward’,” I commented, pointing a finger gun at the two. Norio, just as I had expected, rolled his eyes, but Lucien humored me with a little chuckle.

“You’re right, Nagachika-san.” The surgeon said before turning to Norio. “Is Harada-san accompanying you soon?”

_That makes more sense._

Despite Norio and Jin being close, he never was with Jin when I saw him around Anteiku. He never joined Jin’s escapades.

_Besides, he never misses lunch on campus. It made more sense that Norio knew Lucien through Jin’s connections, rather than the other way around._

_Anteiku was the place to exchange information among Ghouls._

I glanced at Miri, but she was already gazing at me. Her brows furrowed and she somewhat shook her head, as if to ask, _‘why are you looking at me like that?’_

_You’re thinking what I’m thinking...aren’t you?_

Frowning, I squinted my eyes at her before directing my attention back at the two ahead of us.

“Jin called me and informed that he wouldn’t be able to pick us up right away,” elaborated the blond. “But that we had time to clean up the cabin and pack everything up. Once we finished, he picked us up and dropped us off, leaving in a heartbeat. He said he had an urgent errand to run, but he’ll be back soon to pick us up.”

Lucien hummed. “I look forward to seeing him.”

With that, Norio bowed and left the room.

Lucien and Yui heaved Miri out of bed and have her try walking. She struggled with the first few steps, making me twitch and rush to her position. My presence only resulted in Yui stretching her arm out to prevent me from getting any closer, but within seconds, Miri stood and walked, albeit with a small limp that made her wince and pant.

“You got this!” I cheered from the side, hoping to encourage her.

“Thanks.” She moaned and clenched her fists. “How am I supposed to...”

“I understand,” Lucien said as he held on to her. “That’s why we’re here to help you through it. Yui-san, can you give me the crutch?”

Yui did as requested, and Miri tried once more while leaning on the elbow crutch. It appeared easier, but it still irritated her.

“It’ll only be for two weeks!” I said. “It’ll go by quick.”

“Your boyfriend is right,” muttered Lucien, making me flinch at the word. “Two weeks will pass by in a blink of an eye.”

Miri pouted as she looked up at me, and I could only imagine her frustration.

“You can do it.” I urged.

Lucien and Yui retreated from beside Mirélle, giving her the space to walk on her own. Yui adjusted the crutch’s height as Lucien explained how to grip it in a way that’ll keep Miri comfortable. She almost slipped on her first try, but regained her composure, walking back and forth from the bed.

“ _Putain,_ I can’t...” she whimpered, wiping her eyes. “I’m so slow.”

Lucien gazed at me and gestured with his fingers that I stand by Miri’s side. I felt antsy and obeyed, brushing her hair out of the way.

“It’s OK!” I said. “It’s only your first day so it’ll be tough, but we’ll be with you for the rest of it!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry! And don’t be scared. Don’t cry. You’re doing so well!”

Quivering, she sniffled and rubbed her eyes again, straightening her back and continuing to walk.


	38. ⦋ Errand ⦌

— **_2020_**

 ** _word count_** — _5583_

♫

Some things needed a push. Some things needed more effort. Some people built walls around themselves to exclude everybody and to keep themselves safe from within, even if it meant that they'd be lonely in doing so. They become content with loneliness.

Kaneki was one of those people. Mirélle was one of those people.

Kaneki had left before I could do right by him. Mirélle's still there. I had to show her. I had to do right by her.

She wouldn't ask for my help. He never did, either.

She wouldn't ask me to take care of her.

 _"I'm your baby."_ She said last night, utterly drunk.

_That doesn't count._

I stood out in the corridor with the rest of the group as Miri continued into the bathroom to change. The place wasn't full of staff, but those that had gone earlier came back to their positions. Noises reached out from other patients' rooms and it didn't sit right with me.

Ganaha and Kaiser returned as well, having a chat with Lucien in Miri's room. If anyone needed to know of Miri's condition and how to take care of her, it's them.

 _Lucien-sensei thought we_ that _close, huh. Familiar enough for him to tell me how to care for her and everything..._

_Miri went along with it._

_Maybe...she expected it to happen...?_

My cheeks flushed at the image.

With my arms crossed and my gaze fixed on them through the vision panel, I tried to ignore the surrounding group, who were still quipping about my neck and hers.

_You'd think they'd run out of hickey jokes, but they somehow kept them coming!_

I couldn't deny that I let out a chuckle at a few of Domoto's jests because of how ridiculous and over-the-top they were.

Delafose wasn't part of their conversation. The last I saw her, she sat on a chair behind us, fiddling with her phone, texting furiously.

"Why are you still laughing about it?" asked Norio, scoffing. "Getting stung by jellyfish isn't fun and it was never funny to begin with."

"Bro..." sighed Domoto. "You _know_ that's just a cover-up, right? That it's not true."

"Why would either of them want to cover up huge bruises like that? I'm sure Lucien-sensei prescribed an ointment for it. Didn't he, Nagachika?"

"Yup! Totally!" the words were out of my mouth before I had even realized it. I glimpsed at him through the corner of my eye, and he was leaning against the wall beside me, waiting just like I was.

"I need to talk to her..." he mumbled to himself.

"No, bro," Domoto repeated, persistent on the topic. "There is no ointment."

"C'mon Domoto-san," Akagawa said. "I don't think you should explain it. He's not a kid."

"Explain _what?"_ asked Norio. "For context, I'm the same year and the same age as Jin, moron. And there _is_ another way to help with jellyfish stings if that's what you meant."

"Aww," cooed Yamashiro. "How cute. Fujisaki – I mean, can I call you Norio-kun?"

"I don't see how it's relevant," he sounded flustered. "I couldn't care less."

"Norio," Domoto said. "You've had girlfriends before, right?"

_This conversation's taking a turn..._

" _Why_ are you asking me that at a time like this?"

Miri stepped out of the bathroom in a large white shirt and glanced over her shoulder at the door where I stood. With a small smile, she waved at me through the glass. I returned the gesture, wanting to go back into the room and not listen to the rest of Domoto and Norio's exchange.

"Lovely..." I sighed, watching her join Ganaha, Kaiser, Yui, and Lucien.

Domoto continued asking things he didn't need to. "Have you _never_ sucked on your girlfriend's neck or something? Or-or has she notdone it to you?"

Norio hesitated with a stutter, but I noticed his tension rise. " _Huh?!_ You're being tasteless when you should worry over Uchisan. My private life is none of your fucking business."

Yamashiro continued to express how adorable she thought Norio was through various high-pitched noises, and a passing nurse had to shush her.

"No, bro." Domoto's tone was still lighthearted. "I'm worried for Uchi, sure, but her neck is fine, because—"

"Domoto-san!" I whipped around to confront him, throwing my hands about. "We're at a hospital, y'know. Don't you think—"

"Those are from Nagachika," Domoto said as if I were just a figment of his imagination. "He sucked her soul out." The brunette laughed once more. "He _absolutely_ looked after her!"

I sighed. "Domoto, what—"

But Norio grabbed on to my collar. His blue eyes filled with fury and his jaw clenched so tight that his face scrunched and his nostrils flared. With ragged breath and fluttering eyelids, he asked me, through gritted teeth, "It was when you went back from the amusement park, wasn't it? Was she drunk?"

_Damn it, Domoto._

I deserved it. We both knew it.

I didn't bother putting up a fight, but I seized his wrists. "...Yes."

Norio, with all his might, shoved me against the wall, knocking the air out of me while it felt as if someone hit me on the head. "You were supposed to take care of her, but you took _advantage_ of her?!"

Domoto and Akagawa hurried to Norio's side, attempting to pull him off of me. He didn't budge and pushed the two away with his elbows. Domoto then held Norio's waist while Akagawa yanked at his shoulders again.

"Shit!" exclaimed Domoto. "I was just fuckin' with you!"

Yamashiro screamed and attempted to encourage Delafose and Esashi to do something, but with the guys in the way, they could only watch in anxiety.

"I-I didn't mean to!" I implored, trying to remove his hold on my shirt. He was plenty stronger than I was and stronger than Domoto, but not Akagawa.

"Why?!" Norio shouted. "Were _you_ drunk?!"

_He's right. He's right. He's right. He's right to be mad._

_I never thought I'd be in this situation._ What the hell?

"No—"

"Then how could you do that to her?!" he placed his forearm against my neck, making it harder for me to breathe. Nurses around us scuttled and moved about while the voice of the admin calling security echoed around the hospital. Twice, Domoto and Akagawa pulled him away, but twice, Norio had lurched back to me.

I gasped as his arm all but suffocated me. "I tried to sto—"

"You shouldn't have to 'try'! You should have _stopped!_ You never should have _started!!"_

The memories were hazy, but I remembered a desperate need to stop. I remembered reprimanding myself for what I was doing. I remembered feeling guilty when I came. But what I remembered the most, was how much I also wanted her at that moment. What I remembered the most, was how I had never felt that way about someone before that night, and how addicted I was to the rush of adrenaline.

_It was wrong of me. I don't blame Norio for being filled with fiery rage. It was selfish of me to give in. Even now, thinking of last night..._

_I wouldn't compare it to the terror and excitement I get when following a potential criminal or Ghoul, but it matched that feeling._

Just as the early morning, everything happened in slow-motion, but all too fast. Two muscular security guards pushed Domoto and Akagawa away and towed Norio off of me as I fell to my feet, twisting my neck and embracing the ache while panting. As they dragged him away, I straightened my back and called out to him.

"Norio!"

He glared at me, fists tight and teeth bare.

I coughed. "Go ahead."

With his azure eyes widening, he relaxed in the security guards' grips for a split-second before lunging out of their arms and punching me in the face.

_Huh...was that my jaw that cracked, or my nose?_

The blond didn't stop at one, though. Another hit landed on the other side of my face, making me stumble backward into the arms of someone. The guards caught Norio once more and wasted no time in pulling him out of the hospital. But I was sure that if he could, he would go on with punching and kicking me some more.

_It's not the first time I was beaten up. Nishiki's hits were a thousand times worse than this..._

_A Ghoul's strength is something else._

Rising to my feet, I rubbed my jaw, expecting a bruising. The one that had caught me was Lucien, baffled at the sight of what had unfolded.

"Is everything all right?" the surgeon questioned, his gaze shifting between me and Domoto.

" _Perfect!"_ I shot a glare to Domoto. "You could have stopped when Akagawa told you to, or at least when I _tried_ to warn you! Or did you think I was interrupting you to be annoying?"

"I didn't expect him to go bat-shit!" Domoto exclaimed, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

"Are you forgetting that he punched Jin three weeks ago _just_ for mentioning that Miri's interested in me?"

"Bro, that was like a month back! He should be over it by now, shouldn't he?"

"Yeah, but you know he wouldn't be, man!" when I turned to the side, Miri's appearance startled me.

"What happened? We heard shou— _oi,_ you're bleeding!" she gasped, putting her weight on the crutch as she leaned towards me, squinting her eyes. I wiped the corner of my mouth, my hand staining with the crimson liquid.

"It's a good thing you're at a hospital." Lucien smiled, requesting an ice pack from nurse Yui.

_Yeah, a Ghoul hospital._

She was back in a flash, and I placed the compact bundle near my cheek, noticing Delafose stride in our direction.

" _Arée,_ is no one going to tell me?!" Miri demanded.

"It all happened so fast!" Yamashiro's tone was high as her brows raised. "Out of nowhere!"

"It was a misunderstanding," Akagawa answered, grimacing at Domoto.

"OK, but why is Hide bleeding?"

"It's nothing to worry about!" I smiled at her, scratching my cheek.

_As if she'd believe that!_

"Norio acted like a child," countered Domoto. "I teased him and he threw a tantrum—"

"So he hit Hide?" anger laced Miri's tone as she glanced around the group. "Where's he? _Putain de connard..."_

"Honestly, it's fine!" I chuckled, wincing at the dull ache from Norio's punches. Miri twitched at the sound of my sharp inhale. "A misunderstanding—like Akagawa said!"

"Then _where is he?"_ she pressed. "I just...I just want to talk to him."

"Outside," responded Akagawa. "Security had to take him out." Then he looked at me, unexpectedly telling me to call him Ryū and drop the formalities. Even though it was definitely not the time to bring it up.

Miri scoffed, shifting to face the exit while chewing her lip.

"Hey, I said I'm OK—" the phone in my pocket rang, stealing away my attention. "Hello?"

It was Jin on the other end. "Yeah, where are you and the rest?"

"Ground floor, room 127. I think we're leaving soon..."

"I'll be there in a minute." He hung up, not giving me time to speak. I gazed at Miri as I attempted to reassure her once more, however—

"Wait." Delafose stepped to the brunette, cutting me short. "Can I talk to Miri in private, please? It won't take too long."

"Ah, Delafose-san! Of course, of course." Accepted Ganaha, allowing the girls to saunter back into the room. I grew nervous at the sight, knowing that nothing good could come out of whatever Delafose had in mind.

The minutes drew out as we waited; Jin made an entrance, turning the corner and jogging his way to us. He meant his words literally.

"Jin!" exclaimed Haru. "Where'd you go?"

He caught his breath as he arched forward. "...An errand." He wiped his forehead as he greeted Ganaha, Kaiser, Yui, and Lucien. "Lucien-sensei, it's good to see you again."

It was when he stretched and cracked his neck that I noticed a smear of blood on his jawline and behind his ear.

"Likewise." Lucien remained as friendly as he had been from the start, bowing to Jin in return.

But Jin's mind was already somewhere else, as expected from his apprehensive behavior. "Where's Miri? And why's Norio outside? Hide, are you all right?"

"One thing at a time!" I snickered. "There was a conflict with Norio—"

"Whatever," Domoto interrupted. "It was stupid as hell. Man needs to grow some balls. And Hide had nothing to do with it. I mean, Nagachika. Sorry, bro."

I shrugged. "Just 'Hide' is OK."

"Really?" Domoto tittered. "You can call me Maki, you know—"

"Good," Jin interfered. "Let's be on a first-name basis, it's been a fucking month. Anyway, Miri? Where?"

"She's—ah, turn around!" I said, gesturing that he moves with the jerk of my head.

"Hey." Miri approached, limping ahead as Delafose moved past her. It was as though they haven't even spoken.

In a split-second, Jin engulfed Miri in his arms, exhaling in relief. She wasn't visible to me from his wide frame. Bringing a hand up to his back, she patted him lightly.

_Where's the blood from, Jin?_

"I thought Hide told you that I was fine..." she said, her voice muffled by his shoulder. "You drove us here, didn't you?"

A sudden itch crawled up to my collar.

"He did, and I did," replied Jin, somehow tightening his grip on her. "Still, I worried about you. I couldn't help it."

Nurse Yui dismissed herself, bowing and leaving as Lucien pulled Jin away from Miri and spoke to him in hushed tones. The rest of the group announced they'd wait outside, and Domoto—Maki—asked Jin for his keys. In contrast, Delafose caught my attention when she called out to me, signaling we discuss something in private.

The prickly sensation spread to my fingertips, increasing my apprehension. I wanted to eavesdrop on the conversation between the Ghouls.

_It was far more interesting._

"You might not believe this," she declared, tucking her brown hair behind her ear. "But I told Miri all that happened. From the time we left for the amusement park until...till my confession to you. I apologized to her and we're fine now. So...I'm sorry for what I did earlier, and what I said. It wasn't my place to confess to you while I was intoxicated either, knowing what you have with my best friend.

"You'll forgive me, won't you?" she put her hands together, pouting–or looking like it. I placed the packet over my mouth. "We'll be around each other more, and it'd be better if there wasn't any tension or awkwardness between us when we hang out."

"You told her everything that you said about her in the chalet, too?" I questioned.

"Yes. I said sorry for it..."

"And you said sorry for confessing to me?"

"Yes, for God's sake. You want to ask her? Go ahead."

_I would, but is that what you expected of me? Or is it the exact opposite?_

If she were lying, I'd risk hurting Miri with the information that her best friend stabbed her in the back. Besides, there was no guarantee Miri'd believe me over Delafose if I advised her the truth. The fiend would twist my words and somehow make it look like I was the one after her.

"I get it if you won't excuse me, but..." she sighed, advancing closer while I stepped backward. "For her sake and the group."

I nodded, almost snickering at her endless annoyance. "Sure, since I'll be with Miri a lot. So...for her sake."

_Seeing you with her will be inevitable, I suppose._

"Yeah, of course." Delafose's irritation was skin deep. "We're good, then? You forgive me?"

"Yup. You got it."

"Great. That makes me happy. I'll do the same with the rest, so you don't have to worry about them." She tilted her head as she smiled and bowed when she left.

_I guess she's not as sharp as Miri. Unless..._

_Miri, you couldn't have fallen for that, could you?_

I peered at Miri, who was watching Jin approach her once he said goodbye to Lucien. She joined in and gave the surgeon a friendly bow, thanking him for everything that he had done. At that moment her eyes met mine, but Jin cut in and asked her if she needed help walking.

"Oi, respect this." I wasn't able see her, but I could imagine the cheeky response clearly.

Delafose's apology echoed in my brain on repeat. Even if she weren't being truthful, what was the worst that she could do?

"Buy these from the pharmacy near the exit," Ganaha ordered Kaiser. "We'll meet you there."

As the five of us headed towards the sliding doors, Miri pensively glanced at Ganaha, allowing a string of questions to spill out of her mouth. "Wait, where's the counter? Did you pay already? Ah, I forgot to give Kaiser-san some cash. Was the bill too high? Did you use the card in my wallet?"

"It's no problem, Uchisan." Her maid responded tenderly. "It wasn't necessary."

"...Are you saying it wasn't necessary to _pay?"_

"No, nothing like that." Ganaha feigned a giggle, as though it would soften the blow to whatever she was about to say. I already felt the change in the brunette's demeanor as she slowed her pace. "We've been in contact with the Chairman..."

"Yeah? And how's that relevant?"

"I know you don't really—"

"Why did you bother involving him?"

"How could we not?" Ganaha all but yelled. "You're in the emergency room—"

"I'm _always_ at a hospital."

"Yes, but this was under different circumstances." Ganaha attempted to quell the situation. However, judging the escalation in Miri's expression, she wasn't doing an outstanding job at it. "The Chairman acknowledged the need to support...financially."

"I can afford it, _t'sais."_ Enunciated Miri through gritted teeth. "I've been working and paying my bills. Maybe not for university...but I could have paid for this without his help."

"Your father is only keeping an eye out for you." Ganaha pleaded. "He was on the phone once we were at the cashier. He gave up his card information and...settled the bill. It wasn't my place to refuse—"

"Are you kidding me?" Miri interrupted. "I'm not a child and I don't work until dawn to be treated like I have no control over anything."

_...Her father is a Chairman?!_

_It's slowly making sense..._

The weather blindsided me as we departed, making me shield my face from the wind and sun at once. The Jeep stood straight ahead in the spacious parking lot, and everyone sat inside except for the persistent blond who leaned against it with his eyes fixed on us - on Miri. To the right of the vehicle parked a black car, accompanied by a man in a dark suit and white gloves.

_A butler, a maid, and a driver...insane._

Miri and Ganaha continued to quarrel over something that I couldn't interfere in. It wasn't as if Miri ever spoke of her family matters with me, and even if she did, I had no say in the matter.

_Is everyone's schedule packed today?_

Our parties were the only ones in the lot.

_They'll be here soon...they must. We can't leave otherwise._

"Of course," agreed Ganaha. "But with the situation of your mother—"

"Mother has _literally, figuratively_ and _virtually_ nothing to do with this," Miri huffed, turning away from her maid. I had never seen her so agitated with anyone who was not Norio. "This isn't up for discussion or debate. It hasn't been for a long time now."

Kaiser's presence came from far behind, joining in on the exchange. "The Chairman was—"

"Worried, right?" Miri complained, making a beeline towards the sleek car while Ganaha and Kaiser both tailed after her.

"So," muttered Jin as he put an arm around me. "Can you show me—"

" _Yah,_ Hide." Miri's voice was sharp, tugging at my attention. "Are you still coming with us?"

Kaiser cleared his throat. "Surely, there's no need for him to—"

"Yeah, for sure!" I shrugged out of Jin's hold, avoiding her butler's burning gaze. "I'll just get my stuff from the Jeep."

"True," Miri nodded. "Me too. I almost forgot about that."

"I'll get them for you." I offered with a smile, hurrying forward. It was when I opened the trunk that Norio shoved himself off the vehicle and started for Miri. Despite his tender expression, I could tell that it wouldn't be a pleasant conversation.

_She's already annoyed with how they dealt with the bill...this is just going to make things worse._

The urge to warn him crept up my spine, but I decided against it as I squeezed the packet in my hand, thrusting it into my pocket.

_Good luck, buddy._

I heaved Miri's bag and mine out of the boot, rushing to the front seat and telling the group I'd see them tomorrow in uni. Well, everyone except for Delafose, Haru, and Ryū. I grunted as I walked to the car, struggling with both bags on either shoulder.

_With a seating arrangement like that and the number of people in the Jeep, if Miri and I were to go home with Jin..._

_She'd have to sit on my lap again._

_Huh._

_Is it too late to switch?_

Miri was dealing with Norio, and judging by her tone, she wasn't having a good time.

"Jin-senpai, can you open the trunk?" I requested, my body wobbling from the weight.

"Ah, sorry!" exclaimed Jin, embarrassed. "I don't—"

The chauffeur, Lee, acted without delay at my sight and opened the door to the driver's chair. The compartment popped up the next second, and Ganaha and Jin both helped with the baggage.

"Thanks!" I bowed to them, addressing Lee. "I'm Nagachika Hideyoshi, but just 'Hide' is fine!"

"Yes," Lee added, arching forward once more. "Uchiyama-san's special friend. It's nice to meet you. Please cherish our Mirélle."

Heat smothered my cheeks while I nodded, again and again, hoping that those watching me would think the redness was from the intensity of the sun.

_What was she telling them about me?_

"No, no - of course!" a jumble of words poured out my mouth and I wasn't even sure of what I was saying, I was only sure that I meant it. "Of course I'll take good care of her! I'll protect her with all my heart! You can count on me!"

Ganaha and Jin both laughed, strengthening the awkwardness I felt. Kaiser shook his head and got into the passenger seat of the car, ignoring us.

"Why are you shy?" the maid questioned warmly. "Is Uchisan your first girlfriend?"

"Well, no..." I rubbed the back of my neck. "We're not really..."

"They have yet to figure things out is what he means," Jin spoke over me. I was unsure of whether he salvaged the situation or made it worse.

"Oh? How so?" Ganaha asked.

"I'm waiting for her answer," I said, peeking at Jin. There was no harm in being honest, especially not with those that were closest to Miri. "I confessed over the—"

"Eh?!" Ganaha cried out, interrupting me. "You confessed? A _proper_ confession?"

My blush deepened. "No, no, ah...it wasn't a formal confession, but I told her I liked her. I'm awaiting her response, that's all!"

"Eh..." she looked taken aback, with her grey eyes wide and her gloved fingers over her cheek. "That's great of you. Uchisan can be...a _handful,_ but she's also rather wondrous. It's a good balance, at the best of times."

"Yeah," I glanced over at Miri still talking to Norio; the word 'sensational' came to mind. She ran a hand through her hair, and I wished I had a super-hearing ability. "Did...did she say anything about me?"

Ganaha exaggerated a cackle. "I told you she can't stop bringing your name up at home."

"Were they good? I mean, were they good things?"

The woman hummed. "She speaks of her confusion over you, but she mentions how handsome you are. I didn't expect that you looked like...how you look," her cheeks went pink, and I had all but ground my teeth. "But she's very fond of you."

_I wish I could see myself through Miri's eyes if I was that appealing to her. Ganaha seriously just laughed at me..._

_If I were comparing myself to Jin or Norio, I appeared..._

_Well, more on the average side. Jin could easily be an actor and Norio was photogenic as hell._

"You chat with her, don't you?" she pursued. "She sits in the lounge for hours on her phone, so I assume she's chatting with you."

"Yeah! On LINE, usually after uni or before my shift starts. Sometimes afterward, too!"

"Yes. You know, when you speak over the phone, she takes laps around the entire house; I took a video of it because it was just too cute! She smiles from ear-to-ear! And she showed me a picture of you - the one she took of you when you first met, I believe. She told me she looks at it before heading—"

"A-ah, Ganaha-san, isn't that a bit much?" Jin disrupted, wandering toward the car and triggering the curious thirst within me. "Shouldn't you wait for Miri? Oh, Hide, your bag is kinda open."

_I needed to know what Ganaha was going to say, damn it._

_And that video...I gotta get my hands on it someday!_

But she reacted to his words, relaxing and shaking her head in shame. "Right as always, Harada-san. Thank you for stopping me. It would bother Uchisan if she knew. She wouldn't talk to me for a week."

The concept of Miri giving her maid the silent treatment out of embarrassment was a downright domestic power move; spending regular time with Miri and the rest made me forget the kind of life I was living and the kind of place I was living in, but only briefly.

Jin was right about my backpack, too, so I hurried up and zipped it shut.

_I guess I'll never find out the end of Ganaha's sentence unless Miri herself tells me..._

"Ah," moaned Jin, patting his pants until he pulled a mobile out of the front pocket. "Here's Miri's phone. I forgot to give it to her. Do me a favor, Hide," he requested, distressed. "And tell her to always keep it close and not to leave it at home. I almost had a stroke."

"Thanks," I replied, seizing it tightly. "You got it. Don't worry!"

"She must've thought no one would call her or something," exhaling, he shook his head and folded his limbs. "Whatever it was, it was neglectful of her."

"Yeah..." I nodded, becoming tense from Jin's profound aura. "I'll tell her."

As Lee directed that I take a seat inside and wait for Miri, a siren blared from our left. I had expected a car or two, but only a singular official on a motorcycle arrived. I turned to the rest and instructed that he had come out to interrogate me since I was on a call with the station that morning.

"Wouldn't he need to speak to Miri, too?" Jin wondered.

My phone rang as Miri picked up on the mention of her name, arriving at my side. I waved at the policeman and put my arm around Miri's waist; an excuse to hold her as I helped her walk.

But she coiled out of my grip. "I'm fine." She stated, clicking her tongue and continuing toward the man. Her mood was odd and unfamiliar; sure, being around Norio vexed her, and she indicated more of that same dissatisfaction when certain things didn't go her way, but the frustration this time was keen.

_I mean, considering everything...I can't blame her, can I?_

We reached the guy in uniform, discussing the incident that took place hours ago. Miri elaborated that it was a completely random attack as I gave him my phone, showing him the image of the suspect. Apparently, our information was the only statement that he needed, given that the body of the man in question disappeared from the scene of the crime.

" _Quoi?"_ Asked Miri. "How come?"

"Maybe he ran away," I said; the officer fiddled with the device, sending the photo over to the department through e-mail before giving it back to me. "We injured him before he shot you, and then we moved...it wouldn't make sense for him to stay there."

"But if you did a number on him," interjected the policeman, crossing his arms. "And if he were somewhat intoxicated, then he couldn't have gotten too far. But even after our men searched the area, going to the furthest building in the neighborhood, they weren't able to find anything. Other than the corpse of the cashier, of course."

_Hmm..._

If we took into consideration the circumstances, that we're supposedly in Ghoul territory, could all the law enforcement and every probable institution be Ghoul infested?

The hospital's staff were Ghouls, the chalet estate's owned by the Tsukiyama Conglomorate; who's to say that the officers weren't Ghouls as well? And if they were, would they cover up this human fuck-up?

"What about the witnesses?" I asked, anxious. "Many people came out when we were there and before we left. Some of them must have definitely stayed and seen where he went!"

_Except if they're Ghouls, too? Ghouls, watching three humans act as total dingbats?_

"Unfortunately, there was only one witness." Finalized the guy, preparing to get on his motorbike. 

_Then again, what would the Ghouls do with him? Eat him? And if Ghouls occupied the entire neighborhood, wouldn't they have all ganged up against us and eaten us?_

"That's ridiculous! At least two individuals witnessed everything that happened! There was a woman there, too!" Miri exclaimed, chewing on her bottom lip. "And the homeless man couldn't walk straight! It's impossible that he escaped so fast unless the police were slow."

 _Or were they just really_ _committed to living like humans?_

"Our eyewitness is a male in his late forties." Continued the officer. "Nobody el—"

"Maybe you should go back and ask the rest of the community? Isn't that what you're supposed to do?" her tone shifted to sarcasm.

I nodded in agreement. "It's been a few hours since I talked to the police on the phone, too."

_Miri, I wish I could tell you what's on my mind. I'm sorry I can't be of much help..._

She looked at me, then shook her head when I placed a hand on her shoulder, hoping that it'd soothe her.

"Of course sir, miss," he added, remaining as monotone as he did when we first began the conversation. "Our men are expanding the search and a few others are going door-to-door, questioning the civilians in the district."

Miri released a wordless sigh and bowed to him, apologizing. "Forgive my rudeness, sir."

I followed suit. The man responded sympathetically, grabbing hold of the motorcycle's handles. "I understand. It must have terrified you kids. You were brave to even counterattack, let alone have enough time to take a photo of your assailant. It's relatively rare to think that quick on your feet.

"We'll run the picture in our software and see whether nearby CCTV caught him, and we _will_ stay in touch."

We both bowed once more as he turned his engine on.

"Depending on where you're going, expect some traffic." He urged, soon driving off the parking lot. We said nothing as we headed back to the car; Jin asked questions of reassurance and if they required us to go to the station and give an official statement.

"Nope," I answered. "We told him all that he needed to know and all that we knew. That was our report. Or at least, that's what he claimed he needed."

With one final hug to Miri, Jin strolled into his Jeep, and they drove out. She and I were the only ones outside, since Ganaha, Kaiser, and Lee went into the car and waited.

"I'm sorry," Miri muttered. "I lost my cool."

"What?" I asked, raising my voice. "Never! You're always cool. You're the coolest person I know!"

"I could do without your constant lip service, _t'sais."_

"No lip service at all! Not even once!" I insisted, opening the door. Ganaha sat on the far right, giving space for Miri and me to sit together. "I speak from the heart when I'm with you!"

"Oh dear," Miri sighed, rolling her eyes. "Spoken like a proper host. If you tell me your timings, I'll always book you."

Despite being still mildly irritated, I took her words as a joke and ran with it. There'd be no point in responding with hostility, although her expression and tone hurt.

_It'd only make things worse and most likely drive her away._

_Besides...I should show her she could count on me, no matter how shitty she feels._

Clearing my throat, I grinned and winked at her."Call on me whenever you want. You're my favorite client."

"Really?" she raised a brow as a sarcastic smile graced her sharp features. "Funny, you're my favorite escort."

"Then I'll be sure to always offer you the finest benefits, Miri- _hime."_

She pouted and whimpered adorably, taking a step toward me and lifting her arms. I nearly drew her into mine, wishing away her sad gaze, but Ganaha ordered that we get in the car.

"You can give him a hug when we drop him home!" the maid exclaimed relentlessly, making me think of Delafose.


	39. 『 Hopelessly 』

— **_2020_**

 ** _word count_** — _4933_

**_[Norio]_ **

✾

I shielded my eyes against the burning rays of the rising sun, wiping them from time to time. Uchisan's words replayed in my head, like a song I wish I had never heard.

"I don't know what you were expecting," murmured Jin, with his usual objective nature and his bad smoking habit. "The timing could not have been worse."

"That's crazy, isn't it?" said Haru, resting her folded arms over the storage compartment between Jin and me. "She got fucking shot. It sounds so unreal. Like, I know that she's trained for those kinds of situations, but _holy cow._ Hide must have been so dreamy when he saved her. I can hear Mimi's sighing from miles away."

"Are you saying I should have waited?" I directed my question to Jin, not remotely interested in Haru's ramblings, especially when she mentioned that irksome guy.

_Uchisan swooning over him? Give me a break. She's above that behavior, and out of his league._

"According to Hide," Jin answered Haru before addressing me. He was always too nice, even to those who didn't really deserve the time of day. "Miri fought the mugger and took total control of the scenario."

_Pathetic. He doesn't have the balls to protect her in a life-threatening situation? As if Uchisan would fall for that loser._

Haru moaned too enthusiastically. It was disgusting. "Where can I find a girl like that? That's so hot! If I were him, I would have wanted to have her right then and there!"

"Can you not talk about her in that way?" I requested, clenching my fist. "Jin did y—"

"Of course," he interrupted. "I heard you, Norio. It's just that...maybe you should dial it back a bit, yeah? Confessing to her after being treated for her wound...not your finest moment."

"So, I should have waited?"

"No," Maki cut Jin off before he could open his mouth. "Give it up, man. Is this the fourth time you confessed? Fifth? Sixth?"

"I don't keep count like a fucking weirdo," I growled, glaring at him through the mirror.

"Yeah, but you confess more than you need to, like a fuckin' weirdo." Maki scowled, not holding back.

"How else is she supposed to know how I feel?"

"Dude! I'm pretty sure she fuckin' knows!" As Maki spoke, I faintly heard Hana telling him to calm down.

"I don't blame you," Haru stated. I didn't want her opinion, but she gave it anyway. "But as Jin said, she got shot. Mimi's a cadet...she must be stressed out of her mind."

My insides ached from Jin's silence.

"At least Hide was there for her." Haru continued.

"He's insufferable." I snarled. "First, he goes to the chalet to take care of her, but instead hurts her like that? Then they go out, and she gets a bullet to the leg?" Shaking my head, I rolled down my window as well, desperate for some air.

Ryūnosuke said nothing until that point. "I wouldn't say 'hurt'. It was an intimate moment between the two of them; we don't know what happened, and it's not our place to judge them for it."

Sumie let out a scoff from behind me. I couldn't deny that, even though I strongly disliked her, I concurred with her reaction.

"How could you suggest that?" I asked, confused. "Did you see what he did to her neck? That shit's not normal."

"Bro, what the fuck are you talking about?" Maki shot at me, just as aggravated as before. "Hickey's don't hurt. What the fuck?"

"You're adorable, Norio-kun," Haru repeated what she said in the hospital when I wasn't able to understand what they were making jokes about. "If I weren't into girls, I would've volunteered to show you."

It was true that I had no clue what those things were; how they formed, how one suddenly has them, but they didn't appear pleasant. Sucking on someone else's skin made no sense to me - I doubt that that was all that had happened for her bruises to become so vibrant and visible.

_Would he have choked her...?_

I was inexperienced and uninformed, and my reaction to their 'hickeys' and 'lovebites' established it so painfully that I wish I had done research on it before saying anything, or they'd explain it to me without making me feel like an absolute imbecile.

_But do I want to know?_

Maki went on, and even the wind from outside wasn't enough for me. I wanted Jin to put out his cigarette, but he smoked one after the other, just as the addict that he was.

"I get that they were having sex, but—"

" _Hey!"_ I leaped off my seat, twisting my body to glare at him. He had a smug look on his face like he achieved something. "Don't you _dare—"_

"Shut the fuck up, dude," Maki persisted, rolling his eyes. "She's an adult and so is he. They've been fucking for a month now. Even the chemistry between them—"

I wasn't sure of the sound that came out of me as I panted; unsure of my actions as the rage within me blinded me. But Jin, Haru, and Ryūnosuke told me to settle down, and Jin grabbed my arm and forced me to my seat as though I were a child.

"Stop talking!" Ryūnosuke yelled at Maki over his shoulder. "Do you _want_ to get punched in the face, too?"

"Yeah, ri—"

"Holy fuck, shut up!"

I rested my elbow on the windowsill of the Jeep, shutting my eyes and rubbing my temples. Nothing was making sense to me. "Hana, what do you think?"

Hana, who barely spoke and observed things from afar, made a small sound at the sudden address of her name. Maki questioned why I needed to have her opinion when she was as much of an outsider as the rest of us. "She's not even that close to Uchi." He grunted.

"That's not true," defended Hana softly. "We talk on LINE."

"OK, and?" 

"Um..." she stuttered. Looking at her through the mirror too, I saw that she was struggling to find the words to say. "I'm not sure, Norio-san. She told me that she liked him..."

"No way." A sigh left my chest, and I felt helpless.

"It's almost been a month, Norio-kun," said Haru. I didn't want to hear it - especially from her, who encouraged them when they were alone, who supported their foreign behaviors. "Mimi and Hide have been all over each other from the beginning. It isn't news, right, guys?"

I shook my head. "What do _you_ know? You showed up three days ago. You can't bullshit me."

"That's true, but," Haru insisted, making me grind my teeth. "Mimi and I always keep in touch. Because we were together during the Korean Cultural Festival and weeks before that in preparation, we spent a lot more time with each other. I've seen it, you know? Constantly on the phone, texting, or calling. They've been inseparable since."

"Can you at least tell us what happened?" Jin finally asked me, throwing the rest of his cigarette out the window. But he kept it open for my sake. "We've argued and we don't know what went on. You confessed, and she said no, again?"

The Jeep was coming to a halt as cars piled up ahead. It was dreadful that we stopped; my eyes watered and my throat closed up. I blinked to get rid of the tears, but it only made things worse.

Her voice echoed in my head. My heart sank to my feet. "She told me that she never wants to speak to me again. When we're with other people...you know, you guys, we'll talk, but only if it's extremely necessary. Never anything outside of that scenario."

Silence followed my words, an unbearable silence that I didn't want; an embarrassing one that gave way to the rest of my sniffles and vulnerabilities.

"It's not the first either, huh?" Maki interrogated. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was better than the humiliating quiet.

"No..." I answered, pushing my hair out of my face. "I _knew_ it was a bad time. She was just done quarreling with her maid. And like you said, she got shot..."

"So, why did you push her?" questioned Jin.

"I...I was desperate. After hitting Nagachika, I felt like I accomplished something..."

I hated that I wasn't by her in her time of need; despised that it was _him_ with her. But that wasn't going to stop me.

_She sees something in me, too. They'll grow apart at some point, and I'll be there, right by her side, to save her from any sort of sadness she may drown in. I'll be there for her, the way I had always been._

"She got mad when she found out you hit him," revealed Ryūnosuke. "I mean...she is protective of him, too."

Haru groaned wildly once more. "She's such an Alpha."

"Can we get back to the point?" Sumie demanded. At that moment, I was thankful that we were on each other's side. It made me wonder whether we should work together.

"Before all of that happened," continued Jin. "What was the conversation like? You confessed, and she just told you off?"

I shook my head. "She isn't that cruel."

_No, of course she wasn't. I wouldn't have fallen so hard for her if she were. But my patience was running thin..._

"Then?" prompted Haru.

"...Never mind it." I declared, to which Haru protested.

The scene played out as clear as crystal in my head.

The breeze of the early morning had blown from where she stood, carrying her scent along with it. A shiver ran down my spine at the smell - standing and simply inhaling her was enough to make my insides tremble.

But if she'd known, she'd have become furious, so I'd pushed myself off the Jeep and strode to her direction, speaking what was on my mind.

"Uchisan...can I talk to you?" I'd asked. She said nothing as we walked to the side, away from the crowd.

"Before you say anything," she'd muttered, pushing her hair away from her face. She had no makeup and it was understandable, but she was prettier with a little bit of something on; the bags under her eyes, the freckles, and the little acne scars wouldn't be too visible. "Why did you hit Hide?"

Her question came through gritted teeth.

"For what he did to you," I'd answered, finding no reason to lie about it. "Your neck."

"Oh...well," she'd been taken aback. Blinking rapidly, she placed a finger under her lip. "Thank you, but he and I already talked it out. It's something between us, so it doesn't concern you."

She had been hesitant with her response; I'd known that I was right.

"Still, you weren't conscious and sober. It was wrong of him to do that, whether you started it or not. I know he's new to the group, but that rule stays the same."

A little smile had broken her solemn expression. My heart soared at the sight of it, and I'd fallen so deep into her gaze that I was at a loss for words for an instant.

"That's actually kind of sweet of you," she'd said, scratching her head. "I really appreciate the gesture, and you're right, that rule stays the same, but like I said: we discussed things and we were both in the wrong. He also acknowledges his mistake. Thanks anyway."

_Now. I can tell her now. She wouldn't allow such a tender look if she felt nothing for me. Perhaps the night that she spent with Nagachika made her realize that he wasn't the one she wanted to be with._

_Maybe this time, she'd give me a chance._

"About last night," I began; still afraid, still nervous. "If you had asked me to go with you, I would've protected you and you wouldn't be on a crutch right now. If you called _me_ to go back and take care of you while you were drunk, you would've been safe without bruises on your neck. I would never cross a line with you. Y-you should've called me instead..."

"Fujisaki," her voice and her head had lowered. "Don't do this...I'm not in the mood and I don't want to have this conversation again. Is there something else you wanted?"

Her words were like a knife going right through my chest, right through my pounding heart.

I'd shaken my head. "I wanted to check up on you. I got worried."

"You don't need to worry about me. We took care of it. The surgeon did, too."

"Yeah," I'd strained out a chuckle. My eyes had stung, however, I forced my cheeks upward with a smile. "But if you went out with me, then none of whatever happened would've happened and you wouldn't be limping. Perhaps we can go together next time."

"Well, it happened, therefore your statement is irrelevant and redundant."

"That's why I said next time." I'd grinned, taking a step forward.

"Don't come near me." She had ordered, extending an arm in front of her.

"I'm clean, I promise. I won't hurt you. I'm not a Ghoul or anything."

"It's not about that. I just don't want you close to me."

Blinking, I'd felt my face warm up and my eyes fill with liquid. "Uchisan...why do you hate me?" the question came out of nowhere; all I knew was that her words stung, that she was hurting me _so much_ , in such a small amount of time. "I've...I don't think I've ever done anything to hurt you."

"I don't hate you. You're just..." she had sighed, but she didn't look angry. She simply looked...exasperated. "You're always pushing me."

I usually knew what to say, how to react, and how to process information, but at that moment, I couldn't think.

"I'm trying to be a good friend."

"We're not friends." She'd stated, as-a-matter-of-factly. "We were at some point, sure, but things changed...so please, don't make this harder than it already is for the both of us."

_But my heart is the only one that is breaking, Mirélle._

"But that can't be true," I'd protested. "Are you telling me you've never felt something more—"

"No. I never once felt anything else."

"But I love you," my insides had quaked, causing my voice to vibrate along with it. "I love you so much it hurts—"

"That's not _my_ problem." She'd retorted aloud. " _I'm_ notresponsible for the way _you_ feel."

"I'd do everything for you, Mirélle."

" _Ta gueule. Fous-moi la paix."_ She had turned around, and I wasn't able to stop myself from grabbing her arm, unable to hold myself together, unable to look directly at her. She tugged herself out of my grip, her lip curling, and her brows furrowing.

"It hurts, I—"

" _Ensuite_ you're telling me that your health, your _life,_ depends on the way I _feel_ about you? Grow up, Fujisaki! What would it take to get you off my back? Could you possibly be any more selfish? Do you have any idea how much guilt I already feel?"

 _Why am I doing this? I knew the outcome, I_ knew _how she'd react, yet here I am, being a complete_ moron...

"Nagachika," my voice was shaking as the sensation of her wrist faded from my palm. "What makes you so sure that he'd take care of you, that he'd help you the same way I have? What makes you think he'd be a better choice than me?"

"It's _not about_ that; it never was. I don't _need_ anyone to take care of me - I can do that perfectly fine on my own! Listen, I am thankful for the times you've helped, but you're not making it easier for me to appreciate it properly. Please understand that I just don't feel that strongly about you. You're not lacking in anything, I just..."

_I'm...not lacking?_

_I must have a chance._

"We've had this conversation way too many times for me to count." She'd continued. "After all the years that we've known each other and every time you confess and every time I reject you, I thought you'd understand, but no. Here you are again, bringing it up again, talking about taking care of me, doing everything and anything for me, being here for me, and all that bullshit, _all over again._ I'm exhausted of this never-ending cycle, Fujisaki...please."

_She doesn't hold back, does she?_

"But—"

"No. There are so many girls in Kamii that run after you. And I know that if I lived a thousand lifetimes over, I would never deserve you. Please, do us both a favor and stop wasting your feelings on _me_. Spend them on someone who _does_ care...on someone who will love you back.

"I'm not that someone, Fujisaki, and I never will be. This isn't the so-called 'fairytale' of your parents. Your mother may have accepted your father after several seasons of being embarrassingly and painfully rejected, but I am _not_ her, and I am not _like_ her. Just... _s'il ti plaît,_ leave me alone."

It'd been even more painful to have her bring up a story I had told her years ago about my parents. A part of me had hoped that someday, we'd be together the same way he had landed her.

"What about Jin? Do you still love Jin?" I'd asked. _I needed an answer._

She had glared at me with revulsion, taking a quick glimpse at Jin. "I will love him until the end of time."

_There. The loophole._

"How can you say that you love him but feel something for Nagachika?"

"You know that's none of your fucking business, right?" she growled.

"So is Nagachika there just for now?" _it's true; she'll deny it, but it's true. We will be together, and Nagachika is only a speed bump._

_Isn't it?_

"For fuck's sake," she chuckled, but it wasn't out of amusement. "I adore Hide! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

_...Whatever I did doesn't count; she'd never reciprocated my emotions. No matter how far I go, she wouldn't choose me. Even if I killed for her, she wouldn't love me._

_Why? Was it the way I looked? The way I smelled? The way I talked? My interests? Things I liked and things I didn't like? Was I boring?_

"Why not me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not good enough?" I had sounded so wounded, like an animal that got shot, trying its best to survive even though it knew it wouldn't. "I'm right, aren't I? I'm nothing. I hold no value to you and I'm not important..."

She had moaned again, rolling her eyes before frowning at me. "Are you listening to me? I said there are others out there that want you and _like_ you. I don't, but that doesn't mean all the _putain de_ _merde_ you said. Just because _I_ don't like you— _me_ , one girl among thirteen _million_ people in Tokyo doesn't mean you're not fucking important! _Arée,_ you're so infuriating, it's fucking ridiculous!"

Uchisan had continued to laugh out of frustration. I saw it in her face - the ache, the irritability, the guilt, the rage; all forced onto the fake smile she wore.

"Ahh..." she shut her eyes briefly. "I'm not okay with this whole thing. Listen...don't talk to me unless we're with everyone else and if it's important, and I won't initiate conversations with you except when they're necessary."

"Uchisan..."

"I can't do it anymore...truly."

"How can I fix this? Please, tell me."

"There's nothing you can do."

"Anything, anything at all. I'll do it."

"Stop...just stop."

It had fallen silent between us until a siren blared out, and Jin mentioned her name in a conversation he was having with Nagachika.

_I fucked up real bad._

"Norio," Jin called out to me, pulling out another cigarette. "We can't help you if we don't know what happened."

"I said never mind."

They wouldn't understand it. They wouldn't understand that Uchisan needed space to realize her feelings for me. They wouldn't understand that Nagachika was just there for fun, that she only kept him by her side to satisfy her desires, just like all the others she had slept with. They wouldn't understand that she and I belonged to each other; that eventually, we'll be together.

It was just a matter of time.

Even though the thought sickened me to an extent, I had hoped that Sumie's revelation of Uchisan's past would push Nagachika away from her, and make him rethink his choices or desire to be with her - but I was wrong. He was persistent about it, the way he was persistent in university, the way he was passionate over the idea of Ghouls living among us, and finding them out.

He made her happy. But I did too - at some point - in some ways.

"Remember when I got the flu?" I asked, gazing at Maki through the rearview mirror before looking at Jin again. "She cried for me. It must mean something. Why would you cry for someone you're not in love with?"

"You tell that story way too many times," replied Maki with a sigh. "And OK - I'll give you that."

"No," Jin interjected. "That's just how Miri is. She feels everything deeply, and she cares about her friends."

"I don't know, man," Maki said. "Uchi wouldn't react like that if I were sick."

"She did when I fell ill," Ryūnosuke disclosed, backing up Jin's statement. "Constantly called, made sure I was eating and resting. And she cried when she came over to take care of me."

_Could it be that...she loved Ryūnosuke too?_

_No. Never._

"Hide's the same," agreed Jin, punching me in the chest with his words. "When his best friend didn't come to uni, he brought food and visited him in the hospital almost every day. He was fidgety all over and caved in, eventually joining us in the Festival Committee."

"So cute!" exclaimed Haru again. "They're perfect for each other."

"I don't know," Sumie grunted. "I don't think they like each other that way."

_Ah, thank you, Sumie...thank you!_

"Funny you'd say that," Jin forced out a chuckle; it meant nothing, just like how his smirk came out of dissatisfaction. "Since you have a thing for Hide, don't you?"

"No, I don't!" Sumie yelled as Haru gasped, and Maki snorted.

"It's embarrassing that it took me this long to see it," scoffed Jin. "But after what happened last night, there's no denying it."

"Is it true?" I asked. The only reason she exposed Uchisan so immaturely was that she liked Nagachika? "You have feelings for that kid?"

"I _do not!_ Stop spreading rumors, Jin!" Sumie defended.

"Look, it doesn't matter." Expressed Jin, tapping his cigarette. "You can't control your emotions, that's understandable. But you're both out of line. Norio, I care about you, but you already pushed it the third time you confessed to her. You've pissed her off to where she doesn't want to _speak_ to you. If you screw up again, she'll avoid you entirely. And Miri...as fickle as she seems, she's headstrong and stubborn as fuck.

"Sumichan...everything you did in the chalet made sense after last night. But do you think Hide would like you after that?"

"You basically gave them reasons to date each other," said Maki. "You wanted to pull them apart, but guess who Uchi will run to after the shit you pulled? Guess who Hide will want to be with after seeing your aggression and bullheadedness?"

Maki being right rattled my bones.

"I don't like that guy," Sumie insisted, kicking the back of my seat. "I don't give a fuck if he's with Miri! Besides, do you even _know_ what Miri said when she first saw him during the festival? She said she couldn't wait to ruin him for the night! He was nothing but a target!"

Jin chuckled, and it confused me.

"Wow, having a change of heart is an impossible task, then." He declared, glancing at Sumie over his shoulder. "It's inconceivable for humans to evolve, right?"

"For someone who says she doesn't care," Maki and Jin were essentially having a back-and-forth, and I never felt so far away from my best friend as I did at that moment. "You sure like to talk a lot of shit."

"OK," interrupted Haru, not taking the situation as seriously as I was. "But what about that phrase that Mimi chose? That she wants to 'ruin' him...? Ah, so erotic! I wish I were Hide."

"Uchi's number one fangirl," Maki laughed. "Don't tell me you're in love with her, too?"

"No way!" exclaimed Haru. "I just like supporting her!"

They continued to gush over them as though the entire conversation didn't commence with me in the middle of it all; as though I were invisible.

I shut my eyes and pressed my lips together once more as memories of previous years faded into the void. There she stood, with her hand up high and a grin on her face, excited to see me. Things changed so drastically, almost like they happened a decade ago.

_"Norio, let's get some coffee and sit by the shore. I really need someone to talk to. If you're free, of course!"_

...Did I have to ruin everything by confessing? 

Tears ran down my cheeks as I crumbled from within. I vigorously rubbed my nose and eyes, hoping that no one saw anything. 

Jin groaned, pushing a button and opening the sunroof. "There's no movement whatsoever. I should just turn off the engine. Can you see anything up ahead, Haru?"

_He must have heard if he weren't asking_ me.

There was a good amount of infuriating shifting from the backseat as Haru pushed herself out of the roof. Once she sat back down, she said, "A ton of cars in front of us," _fucking obviously._ "Two police cars and a couple of barricades on both lanes, but one lane is open."

"Did it look serious?" Ryūnosuke asked, but I found myself answering.

"If there are police cars and barriers, doesn't that sound fucking serious to you?"

"Hey," obstructed Jin. "I understand you're upset, but don't take it out on us. Just try to relax." My best friend took in a deep inhale from the cigarette, leisurely blowing the smoke out of the window. "Looks like we'll be here for a while."

"Oh!" The redhead, having absolutely no respect for me or my emotions, pulled out her phone and allowed it to noisily ring out in the already suffocating space. I wanted to grab and throw it out the sunroof. "Right, I should add Hide to the group chat." 

"Is that necessary?" questioned Maki, and for once during the drive, I agreed with him. "They're just fucking. I don't think it'll last that long."

"This conversation completely flew over your head." Replied Haru. "They haven't even kissed yet."

"Yeah, right!"

"I agree with Domoto," muttered Sumie. "It won't last. That's what I've been saying the entire time."

"Exactly. Being friends-with-benefits ends easily." Maki went on; it was lewd and vulgar, but he had a point. I wanted to puke at the thought.

Jin turned on the radio, vexed. I gazed at him, wondering how my best friend could betray me like that.

_He even set them up, didn't he?_

Haru clicked her tongue. "Mimi doesn't do 'friends-with-benefits'. She goes on one-night-stands and hooks up with strangers, idiot."

"As if there's a difference," he scoffed. "They're just having sex is my point."

"Exactly," Sumie sounded her consensus. I disagreed. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't even want to hear their repulsive gossip. "That's the person she is."

"Delachan," Haru addressed her softly as if taking a fresh approach. "Aren't you her best friend?"

"Yes, I am. I know her best, and she's just using him."

"Wrong. Mimi doesn't fuck with someone's emotions. There's living proof."

_Did she mean...me?_

"I get that you like Hide," Haru said. "And that's totally fine, all the power to you, but you don't have to play so dirty."

"Can we drop this?" requested Jin, placing his palm on my shoulder and gripping me lightly. If this was his way of consoling me, it wasn't enough. He was already on Nagachika's side. 

" _Yah,"_ Haru shouted, patting him and me on the arm. " _Yah!_ Isn't that them? That's Mimi, right? And Hide's with her?"

Covering my face, I lifted my head up slightly and followed to where her finger was pointing. Without a doubt, Haru saw correct; Uchisan walked as fast as she could, with the help of her crutch, while Nagachika followed, eventually holding her close as they both sprinted forward. Jealousy clawed at my throat in an instant. Everyone in the Jeep spoke, but I only heard muffled voices.

I knew what I needed to do, but it was always easier said than done. Even after I had tried over the years, nothing ever changed. I convinced myself that someday, it would happen; after everything I had done for her, everything I had given her, I hoped that she would ultimately return my feelings...

_But I'm wrong._

And now that Nagachika was in the picture, Uchisan will drift away from me - from the rest of us. Her love was so strong and passionate; the love I felt for her, she gave to someone else or will give to someone else.

Not me. It was never me.

Was it?


End file.
